Addiction
by LoveisHeartbreak
Summary: Addictions are never easy to cope with and Bella is all too familiar with their destructive power as she struggles with the nightmares from her past. She knows that if she doesn't get out now, they will stick with her for life. OOC, AU.
1. Because of You

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight.**

**Warning: This story contains scenes of self-inflicted injury in a very detailed manner so consider yourself forewarned.**

**A big thank you to my betas Maddux and Owlpostagain for making this story polished and presentable. :)  
**

**Chapter 1:**** Because of You**

"_Hands on the mirror,_

_can't get much clearer,_

_can't make this all go away._

_Now that you're bleeding,_

_you stare at the ceiling,_

_watch as it all fades away."_

_Because of You -Nickelback_

BPOV

The bricks dug painfully into my cheek, most likely drawing blood. They were a rough, reddish brown – which filled my vision as unrelenting hands held me down and hard combat boots cracked a few of my healing ribs. I would be back at the doctor in the morning with the excuse of having tripped and fallen down the stairs again. It wasn't like I couldn't handle the pain; it was the bruises that made it all so much more difficult. Even in the summer I wore long sleeves and jeans to cover the purple and blue patches that bloomed across my body. At least in Forks, the summers were mild; long sleeves and jeans didn't stand out like they did in the burning heat of Phoenix.

I never fought back, I welcomed what they did. It grounded me, gave me a release from the addiction, and in their minds, I deserved it. I did deserve it. I hadn't decided yet if I deserved their brand of punishment, but if they didn't do it – I would end up like I was in Phoenix, causing my own pain. My therapist called it self-inflicted injury. I called it punishment – a punishment I deserved. I welcomed their blows and their words.

"She's always silent. She never makes a sound."

"It's unnatural." I knew they whispered about me, I heard them everyday. All those who stood by and watched as my body splintered beneath their anger. They found me to be strange, a freak of nature in my silence. What would they think if they knew of my acceptance, even _enjoyment_, of the pain?

"Hey asshole! Let go of her!" My eyes snapped open, searching for the voice that was going to stop the hands and feet that ganged up on me – creating my own personal heaven.

She was tiny and I snorted at the thought of them stopping because she told them to. They would merely throw her down next to me and beat her as well. There were a few who had tried to help me before, and failed.

Her eyes flickered to me at my involuntary show of humor. The determination and anger in her eyes pulled me up short and my humor faded as a familiar pair of coarse hands yanked me up into a standing position. I didn't have to turn around to know that James, the owner of the combat boots, would be sneering at this tiny disruption of his games.

"Or what? You'll yell at me some more, pixie?" his chuckle vibrated through his chest as he held me against him in a choke hold. I did not squirm, I did not speak. I could hear several others chuckling at his 'joke' as the tiny girl folded her arms across her chest in angered defiance. Her eyes flickered to me again, searching, no doubt, for some kind of resistance towards him, for a silent plea for help in my eyes. She would find none, I knew.

"Em, Jazz." Her voice was soft, conversational, and the words made no sense. My reaction was, once again, unexpected, as confusion flashed across my features.

"Hey Shorty! You called?" a booming voice echoed across the parking lot as all eyes turned to the newcomers. I fought back another reaction while the rest of the student body gasped, whispered, and stared at the largest man any of us had ever seen. He moved like a lumbering bear, and yet he was somehow much more graceful in his movements. I could feel James' hold loosen considerably, but I did not try to escape.

"Yep, I did. This guy seems to think I was joking when I told him to let her go. He was planning on hurting me like he was hurting her." Her tone gave away nothing, no anger or fear. She was merely stating the facts to her supposed bodyguard. I hadn't seen him earlier, but there was a second male who moved to the tiny girl's side and took her hand while the bear man continued in our direction. James stiffened and moved me in between himself and the bear man. I felt a finger lift my chin until I was staring into the most peculiar shade of golden eyes. I couldn't seem to force myself to break his gaze; his eyes were captivating and alien.

"Were they beating you?" his voice was loud even as he tried to lower it to speak to me. I did not respond, I did not move. His expression twisted in confusion as my silence dragged on. He broke our gaze and I immediately dropped my eyes, only to find myself staring at his broad chest. I could hear the onlooking students start to scatter. James let me go and shoved me into the bear man as sharp footsteps approached.

"Disperse! All of you! Get to class! Is there a problem here Mr...? Who are you three?" Mr. Greene, Forks High School's principal, demanded as he moved to break up the apparently non-existent fight. I stepped back from the bear man, who had steadied me as I had fallen into him. He didn't hold on and I scuttled away while the new trio explained that they were new but that they didn't know what was going on.

As I turned the combination to my locker I heard a bang and lifted my eyes to see the same coarse hands that had yanked me up earlier. I could smell the pot smoke wafting off him as his mouth came in contact with my ear. His voice was rough and gravelly as he whispered to me.

"It's not over Swan. You're mine, forever and always." His tongue slid up my cheek and then he was gone, sweeping down the hallway with his cronies in tow. I could feel my body shudder as I wiped his saliva off my cheek. He was disgusting but he was the source for the pain that I craved.

Maybe my therapist had been right. I am addicted to pain and I would do anything to get it, even play into the hands of someone like James. I opened my locker and pulled out the books I would need for Spanish, but as I turned around all of those said books were scattered as I yelped and dropped them. The pixie girl who had tried to help me earlier was standing directly behind me.

"Hi! I'm Alice!" she stuck out her hand, which was covered in soft leather, and smiled warmly at me. I fought the urge to tell her to fuck off and bent down to pick up my scattered books. She squatted down with me and grabbed one of the notebooks off the floor. On the front of it I had written, in big block letters, FUCK YOU. She studied it curiously before I snatched it out of her leather-covered hand and turned to start towards my class. I was going to be late now, because of the new girl.

"Hey wait! I didn't get your name!" she shouted at my retreating back. I scowled but did not turn around as I continued down the hallway.

"I didn't give it." She didn't say a word after that, maybe she realized the time and ran to class. I didn't care, so long as she didn't keep trying to talk to me. I didn't have friends here and I didn't want any. Most people didn't want to befriend me as it was, so there was never an issue, until now. I sighed as I quietly slipped into my first class of the day. My teacher had already started on the lesson, not that it mattered much to me. I'd already had this class in Phoenix, so I wasn't too worried about the material.

"Senorita Swan. Buenos días. La clase ya empezó, sientate." I nodded and sat down quickly at my regular desk. No one ever sat there, no one ever sat in the chairs I chose in any of my classes. It was a little like they thought I was cursed or would kill them or something. The mystery of silence in a small town had the weirdest effect on people.

A few of my classmates turned to look at me, to stare and then whisper to their friends about the fight this morning. I slumped down a bit in my chair and pulled out my FUCK YOU notebook, the one I wrote everything in. It was a gift from my therapist when I had left Phoenix. She said it would help me work through my addiction so I could grow into a normal young woman.

I had snorted when she said that and she had frowned at me in disapproval. Not that I cared, I would never have to see her again and there were no more of the full body searches to make sure I hadn't cut myself in between sessions. Though my therapist had recommended it, Charlie was too embarrassed about the whole thing to actually put me through that, for which I was grateful. That was one of the reasons I had moved here in the first place; Charlie would never know if I did it or not. He didn't know how to pay attention for the right signs or whatever. Not that he didn't try, he just wasn't good at it like Renee.

I wrote quietly, pretending to focus on the teacher every few seconds, like I was taking notes. What I was writing was far from resembling anything note-like; my words spilled forth, spelling out all the reasons why I deserved what had come to me today and all the dark hatred that sloshed around in my head splattered out on the page like vomit. I liked the way my hand pushed the pen heavily into the paper, similar to the way I push the blades into my skin. I delighted in the way the ink would bleed out of the pen and swell to form my thoughts in rational yet disturbing sentences.

"_Miss Swan,_" a female voice interrupted my musings as I looked up towards the board. My teacher, Mrs. Rodriguez, was glaring at me from her desk. I sighed as I closed my notebook and sat up a little straighter.

"Sí?" She looked at me for a moment before pointing to the board. I read quickly and looked at her again.

"Cuál es la respuesta?" Her eyes were still angry, glaring, unhappy with my inattentiveness. I shifted slightly in my seat, leaning forward to glare right back at her. With a twisted smile I thought it over.

"Numero dos," I answered and then sat back as she nodded before turning to another class member, someone who was probably paying better attention in class. I opened my notebook once again to continue my last train of thought – but the bell rang then, and with a frustrated growl, I was out of my seat, walking to my locker to gather a different set of books.

I didn't see Alice between classes, for which I was silently grateful. I also had yet to see James, which was rare because he loved to torture me any chance he got. I searched around as I walked but he wasn't at any of his usual hang outs, so I made my way to the run down building they called the cafeteria.

I don't eat the food here and I don't bring my own food. I had learned that lesson when I had first gotten into this bloody cycle with James. If I ate, I would puke while he beat me and that, while adding to the pain, was messy and Charlie would notice the smell. I sat down at my usual table, deserted in the corner of the room. I kept my back to the rest of the students and opened my notebook again, this time to draw. This was one of my favorite times of the day as far as soothing the addiction. Sitting like this gave me no warning to his approach and his disgusting hands usually grabbed me hard and yanked me out the door while his cronies followed so they could watch.

It always got my adrenaline going when I didn't know where he was or when he would grab me. It was like a cat and mouse game and I knew he loved it just as much as I did. Today I waited and waited and waited, but there was no commotion, no sound, and no grabbing as the spike and lull of conversation droned on around me. As the period wound down I finally turned to see if he had left for the day and what I saw threw me for a loop.

James was sitting calmly, with his cronies, at another table across the room and he wasn't even trying to look at me or making lewd faces. There was nothing except the purple swelling around his nose. What I hadn't noticed was that in between our two tables, at one of the tables in the center of the cafeteria, sat the new group of students and then it dawned on me. Bear man had caught up with James.

I felt my stomach lurch as my body reacted to the idea of my source getting cut off. _How could they?!_ _Didn't they understand?_ But they didn't understand, couldn't understand what it was like to be addicted, so hopelessly addicted to the release. I felt the tears start to form as my eyes took in the scene. My anger grew towards this bear man and pixie girl who seemed to think they could just swoop in and change everything.

As I glared at them, my brain started to spin, the anger intensifying, but then I realized that the trio was not a trio any longer. They had come with more than just three. There were five of them and not one of them was eating. My glare changed to curiosity as I watched them interact, like a family. I felt my heart wrench and I stood quickly, gathered my things, and left for my car.

Today was no day to be at school, I had needs and they weren't being met. It was raining again as I stepped out of the cafeteria but I didn't bother with a hood. My hair was the least of my worries now. My mind had honed in on reaching the scissors underneath my bed – sharp steel that would wash away the stress of such an odd day.

My truck roared to life, canceling out the chance of a sneaky getaway, but I pulled out without thinking twice about the consequences and exited the parking lot towards Charlie's house. The drive wasn't supposed to be long; normally it wasn't long at all but this time it dragged. It didn't matter that I was pushing my piece of shit truck as fast as it would go, but it wasn't fast enough for me.

When I finally pulled up to the curb I found myself leaping out of the cab, which was not the best idea, seeing how I then proceeded to fall flat on my face into a bit of mud. Yet the mud went unnoticed as I pushed myself up and ran for the door. Charlie wouldn't be home for a few hours, I had time to really push myself. I wiped off the mud with a towel in my room as I hastily leaned down to grab the scissors from their hiding place.

I whirled around with them and stumbled my way to the bathroom as the adrenaline started to pulse through my veins. I sat and I tugged my loose jeans down to reveal the milky complexion of the skin of my thighs. Mine was a body that could have been beautiful, at least that was what my mother always told me. I thought the beauty was found in the rows of scars that contrasted harshly against the milky color. They were red, angry scars that spoke of the pain and fear I had so frequently experienced. I sighed as I studied the beauty that was my addiction.

I let my hand drop lightly to my leg as I opened the scissors as wide as they would go before pressing lightly to the skin. I waited a moment, letting my heart slow down and then slowly added more and more pressure until the sharp edge was cutting into the scarred surface. I let my hand push down as I dragged the blade across, letting the tip of the scissors, the sharpest corner, scrape against the skin. I watched in fascination as the blood drops beaded up to the surface and bloomed out onto my leg, like a flower. The blood grew as I set the scissors on my other leg and it began to run slowly in rivulets down to the bathroom floor.

There wasn't much blood but there was enough to keep me content as the pain set me free and gave me the release I had been craving. I don't know how long I sat there until I heard the cruiser outside of the house and I pulled myself up quickly before grabbing a Kleenex. I wet the tissue and rubbed off the dried blood, cleaned up the floor and my scissors, and then pulled on my jeans. I winced as my quick movements stretched out my injured ribs. I could hear Charlie as he unlocked the door and I ran quickly to hide my scissors.

"Bells?" his low voice carried up the stairs as he hung up his gun and pulled off his shoes. I walked casually out of my room and down the stairs with a smile as I tried to come up with an excuse as to why there was no dinner just yet.

"Sorry Ch-Dad. I had so much homework I just got caught up. Let me heat something up real quick." Charlie chuckled as he inched himself towards the living room.

"That's okay, Bells. I wanted to catch the score on the game anyway. I'll be back in when dinner's ready." Then he was gone, lowering himself into his armchair with an exhausted sigh.

I sighed as well, in relief. I was rather good at covering for myself but one could never be too careful. I opened the fridge and pulled out some leftover casserole I had made the other day. I grabbed two plates and, after dishing out the food, heated it up.

"You know," I felt myself jump in surprise as my normally loud father spoke unexpectedly from the kitchen table, "I can take care of myself, Bells. Been doin' it for years. You don't have to be here all the time for me. How come I never see you go out with any friends or call anyone on the phone?" I took a deep breath, letting my heart rate slow down as I grabbed the two dishes from the microwave and set them on the table. Of course Charlie would take today, of all days, to bring up the fact that I am always at home.

"I have a lot of homework and projects I have to do and so do my friends. We aren't really the partying type, Dad." I tried to sound like the good student, the one who does everything she is told and does it well. I felt phony saying it though, and I couldn't be sure he would accept that as a viable answer. Charlie folded the newspaper he usually read during dinner and tossed it lightly onto the ground at his feet before looking up at me. He didn't buy it.

"Honey, I know it was hard in Phoenix and I don't want to have to send you back there, but you need to live. Go out, have a good time, you're only seventeen once, you know." There was no room for argument, not this time. My father would send me back to Phoenix, the one place I refused to be sent to, if I did not start to have a social life. What parent has to force their kid to party? Apparently mine. I tried to put on my most sincere expression as I met Charlie's gaze.

"You're right, Dad. I'm sure I can get a few of my friends out one of these weekends. We could go to a movie or something in Port Angeles." Right, keep it vague, the next few weeks or whatever. The hard part was that in such a small town, I had to actually go with someone because, invariably, Charlie would ask about my night out with 'friends' and their parents would inform him that I had not gone with their child. Ug, small town life.

I trudged up to bed that night, finding myself utterly exhausted after the stress of the most unique day of my life so far in Forks. Not that unique was good in this case, it seemed everything that could go wrong _did_ go wrong. As I flopped down on my bed I made a mental note to dispose of the bloody Kleenex tomorrow after Charlie had left for work.

In the dark I let the day run through my mind. I still didn't understand why this new girl had such an interest in me. I didn't understand what was up with the bear man's eyes and I didn't understand why they thought that it was okay to just up and interrupt the normalcy of life at Forks High School. Most of those who were new tried to fit in, it was human nature, unless you were me. Now this new group comes tromping in and changing the way my routine works. I bit back a growl as I contemplated telling them off for meddling with my source.

Assholes. Who did they think they were anyway?

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**Thoughts, feelings? Let me know. :)**


	2. Breakdown

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Warning: This story contains scenes of self-inflicted injury, along with other dark themes, in a very detailed manner so consider yourself forewarned.**

**Chapter 2:**** Breakdown**

"_So break me down if it makes you feel right,  
And hate me now if it keeps you alright,  
You can break me down if it takes all your might,  
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye._

_And I'm the one you can never trust,  
'cause wounds are ways to reveal us,  
And yeah I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us,  
But what a waste of my time when the world we have is yours."_

_Breakdown -Seether_

BPOV

I thought long and hard to come up with someone that would fulfill Charlie's order that I be a normal teenager. There was one person, but that didn't mean I was pleased with the option. My thoughts strayed to Jessica and I could feel my emotions spiral downward over the whole situation. She hated me and she had every right to hate me after what I had done to her.

Charlie asked about her rather frequently and most of the time I was able to effectively avoid his questions. Jessica had tried to befriend me when I had first moved to Forks, which had been a mistake on her part. She considered me her charity case though. She wanted to help me so our classmates would think highly of her. I had tried to keep an open mind but I knew it would only end up hurting the both of us.

When James had started his little games, Jessica had disappeared from my life. She was more interested in gossip and popularity than being around me as I transformed into the crazy girl at the high school. It didn't help that she was afraid of James. Most everyone was afraid of James.

I had heard his whispers, his gravelly voice in my ear, as he called Jessica an attention whore and a bitch. He hated her and I knew it had to do with me. He didn't like that she had befriended me when I had first arrived. It didn't take long for that to manifest itself into a violent retaliation towards her. I would never be able to shake the memory of Jessica coming into class, a black eye prominent on her face.

If looks could kill I would have been six feet under as soon as she laid eyes on me. After that she never went anywhere without one of her friends and it only threw me farther into the freak category. The one friend I _had_ acquired turned to hating me for what my friendship had done to her.

It was about that time when I chose to throw away any desire for friends. The addiction was what mattered the most, it was what kept the darkness at bay. I'd watched with neutral eyes as a few others tried to pull me from James' claws, but it had only gotten them hurt and soon enough they stopped trying.

For that – I was grateful. Yet, now there was a new group at school and somehow, one of them wanted to be my friend. If there had been any other option, I would have taken it without another thought. Anything would have been better than the look I was getting now. She was like a puppy dog with her pleading eyes.

"Fuck off," I turned slightly as I finally decided to escape to my biology class. She followed, of course. She was persistent as hell and I still didn't understand her at all; her entire group was a complete mystery. Plus they had taken away my source which left me to sneaking around Charlie, who tried to be as thorough as Renee used to be. He failed at that, which was another thing I could be grateful for.

Not that I could say that they had taken it away for good, it had only been three days, but it was enough to cause quite a bit of stress for me. I hadn't even made it past lunch for those days. Mostly I would leave by lunch and end up back at home in my bathroom, only to scramble around and hide my mess when Charlie came home.

I knew, at some point, I would be in Mr. Greene's office to explain my absence, but I was hoping that the note I had turned in to Mrs. Cope would keep that confrontation at bay for a little while longer. At least until I was able to make it through a full day.

"But – you asked! That means we get to be friends, right?" I turned one disdainful eye on her and she shrunk back slightly in confusion. I fought the urge to laugh in her face, I wasn't trying to be rude. I just didn't want any friends and she didn't understand that.

"No, Alice. That means Charlie wants to see me leave the house and if I don't he will ship me back to Phoenix. So if that means I have to go with you to Port Angeles, for one night, then that's what I'll do. That does not make us friends. I don't want friends." I think that was the most I'd said since I moved here. At least it was the most I'd said to the student body of Forks High School. I turned my back on her again and hurried off to class before she could try to get another word in. Fortunately for me, she chose to go back to her group and probably gossip about me.

I had left a little too early for my liking, though, and I was now stuck sitting in an empty classroom; empty, at least, until James sauntered in. He didn't have biology with me but he did know my schedule, since he'd been following me around to harass me between classes.

"There you are," his tone was dark, angry, as though I was the one who had given him the black eye and broken nose. I felt a shudder run through my body in anticipation for what would surely come next. I felt his hand as it shoved me off my chair, my body sprawling onto the hard floor. I didn't make a sound, but James laughed.

"I told you it wasn't over. You're mine." His expression twisted into a grotesque mask of domination and desire.

He reached down and quickly yanked me up to him so we were eye to eye. I kept my expression neutral as he glared at me. The most frustrating thing about me, for James, was that I never reacted to anything he did; it was also the thing he loved the most. He stepped forward until he had me backed into another lab table. I didn't see it coming as his fist dug into my stomach.

"How's that feel? Good, I'd bet, for a freak like you." I felt his fist dig in again as my body doubled over in reaction to the pain when it registered in my brain, toppling me into the sweet release from my ever-present addiction. I felt, rather than saw James heave me up into a standing position before throwing me to the floor again. I waited for him to speak, to grab me again but it never happened. I let my eyes open slowly – only to find a different pair of strange, golden eyes watching me.

I heard myself gasp as my eyes focused on the face in front of me – another one from Alice's group, one I hadn't met before. He was beautiful, but the way he looked at me immediately made me angry. His eyes held two emotions I was all too familiar with; disgust and pity. I bit back a growl and tore my gaze from him. Behind him stood the bear man, who had James in a head lock and one hand over his mouth to keep him from yelling for help. His struggles seemed futile against such a large opponent. I tried not to laugh at what I was seeing while the new guy continued to stare at me.

I stood up slowly, ignoring the new guy's proffered hand, as I gathered my books and set them on my lab table before sitting down. Bear man was the first to speak. His voice was loud and it surprised me.

"Why do you let him do this to you?" I didn't look at him, nor did I respond. I merely rifled through my bag to find my sketch journal. I looked up a moment later only to see bear man letting James scuttle, tail between his legs, out the door. Bear man left quickly after that, no doubt for his own class. The new guy had moved to stand near the front of the class. He didn't have a seat and that was when I realized he would have to sit next to me since my table was the only one with an open seat. I scowled as the teacher entered the classroom and a few students filed in behind him.

"Mr. Banner, I'm Edward Cullen. I just transferred into this class today and I was wondering if I had an assigned seat..." he trailed off as I tried, unsuccessfully, to ignore the conversation. I didn't give a shit about someone who made it a habit of staring at people for large amounts of time. I didn't care how good-looking he was, his disgust made it clear what he thought of me. I let my hair drape over my shoulder to cover my face and my notebook. Hopefully that would deter him from trying to talk to me before class.

I heard the neighboring chair scrape against the floor and his weight settle as he set his own books on the table next to mine; I did not look up. He cleared his throat slightly and then set about to opening his notebook while the rest of the students filed into class.

"You're Bella Swan?" his voice startled me and I worked not to turn towards him or acknowledge that he'd said a word. It was difficult. His voice was like velvet, soft, caressing, and almost impossible to refuse, but refuse I did. He didn't touch me but he cleared his throat again.

"Excuse me? Are you-" I turned quickly, my glare set in place as I cut him off.

"Yes, asshole. I am. Anymore questions you'd like to ask when I am so clearly trying to ignore you?" I could hear the reaction of a few students around me as they turned to whisper about me to their neighbors. It was hard to focus on what they were saying, though, seeing as it took all my concentration to keep my glare in place when I was glaring right into his honey-gold eyes. His expression didn't look shocked or angry and the pity had disappeared. Much to my utter confusion, he merely looked extremely curious, as though that had taken over his previous feelings towards me.

"Well, then you're the one who is going to Port Angeles with my sister Alice," he stated in a matter-of-fact tone. I tried to curb my surprise, to hide it from him, but it didn't work and he smiled at me. His smile threw me for a loop as my thoughts scattered, rendering me mute. I fought against it and finally managed to tear my eyes away before I quickly flipped my hair back into it's curtain position between us.

Who the hell was this guy and how did he _do_ that? I growled to myself in frustration, blushing as I remembered that I had a lab partner now and that he had probably heard me growl. I then had to berate myself for blushing. I didn't give a shit what anyone thought, that was what made me, me. I decided a new topic of thought would be good for me as I focused on what I had learned.

This new guy, Edward, he said his name was, was Alice's brother. I tried to picture the resemblance in the two, but it seemed pretty farfetched, except for the eyes. The eyes of the four group members I'd met had been almost identical. They were all an unnatural gold, an eye color I'd never seen before. Of course, they could all just be wearing colored contacts, but that was a weird color to choose for contacts.

"Okay, class! Listen up! I have a box of slides here. Please take a pack of six slides and come up to grab your microscopes." I didn't move but I heard Edward's chair scrape back again as he stood to get our tools for the lab. I secretly cursed Mr. Banner for making us work together instead of just lecturing to the class.

"You know, I don't understand why you are so mean to Alice. She has been nothing but nice to you. She doesn't deserve to be treated that way." I jumped slightly as his voice floated right by my ear. I whipped my hair back quickly to glare at him again, only to be met with the pity and disgust I had seen in his gaze earlier. I turned away from him quickly and focused on the lab in front of me. I didn't need his help anyway.

"I don't want friends. She doesn't seem to understand that," my eyes widened as the words popped out of my mouth. What the hell? I hadn't meant to answer him. I fought the urge to check on his reaction and instead looked towards Mr. Banner, who was wandering about the room. He would be at our table soon and I would tell him I felt sick so I could leave class and go home.

"That doesn't make sense," his tone was quiet, but I heard him.

"Whatever," I replied curtly before looking into the microscope again and scribbling down the next answer. Mr. Banner stopped by our lab table next and glanced at the paper that I was writing on before looking over at Edward.

"Ms. Swan, you need to work _with_ your lab partner," he gave me a disapproving look and I fought the urge to laugh. Did he not yet understand that I worked alone? My arguments would definitely not help in getting me out of here so I kept my thoughts to myself.

"Mr. Banner," I kept my voice low, weak, to keep me sounding off, "I'm not feeling so good, may I go to the nurse?" I didn't look back at Edward, keeping my eyes fixed on the table in front of me and trying my best to look sick.

"Would you like someone to take you?" He had stopped and turned around to face me as I looked up through my lashes. He looked concerned so I assumed my acting was working.

"No, I can make it, I just need some medicine or something. I haven't been feeling too well these past few days. That's why I haven't been here." Mr. Banner nodded in acceptance as I started to gather my things. I fought the urge to look back at my new lab partner.

"I was informed about the note from Chief Swan. I hope you feel better." I gave him a sad smile as I slowly slid off my chair and shuffled out the door. I moved to my locker quickly, grabbing the books I would need for the homework I had missed the past few days. I may have been strange to the student body but I did manage good grades here. That may have been because I had already taken these classes in Phoenix, but I wasn't too picky on the details and neither were my teachers.

I had written the note that I had turned into Ms. Cope at the front office. I had become rather good at copying signatures and handwriting, especially Charlie's, since I had moved here. I didn't bother going to the nurse or the front office once I left my locker and I made it to my car without any problems or questions. As I, once again, sped home I tried to keep my mind focused on the goal of the scissors. Yet much to my frustration, all I could see were Edward's shocking golden eyes and his confusing expressions. I felt my hands sting as I smacked them against the steering wheel I had been gripping tightly moments before.

It wasn't until I pulled up to the house that my frustration broke into pure hysterics when I caught sight of the cruiser in the driveway. I thought momentarily about passing the house and driving around until school ended but the risk of Charlie hearing the truck roar by was too great and as I pulled up next to the curb I silently cursed the piece of trash I drove. Any other car would have given me safe passage but not this one with its incessant clunking and chugging.

I tried taking a few deep breaths before I worked on my 'I'm sick' act and then I clambered out of the cab nice and slow just in case Charlie was watching from the window.

I made it upstairs without much of a fuss from Charlie. He didn't know what to do with me when I was sick, which made sense since he had never been my caretaker. That had been Renee's job for most of my life. I curled up in bed, letting my mind wander from its original focus, to try and keep the addiction at bay. I could go one day without it and I had gotten a slice of it from James already. I could live off of that.

I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until the nightmares started, until there was darkness and in the darkness there were hands. There were hands, touching and dirty as I tried to scream for help before those hands covered my mouth.

_"Mine, mine, mine, mine," _the voice was deep and frightening as I fought against the clear memories that threatened to undo me.

I gasped as my entire body shot out of bed and onto the floor with a thump. My eyes were wild as they rolled back into my head while I tried to make sense of reality. When I was finally able to get my breathing under control, my eyes caught sight of the clock and I was sent into another panic.

It was 7pm and I had forgotten dinner again! I shot up and just as I reached the door I realized why Charlie hadn't woken me for dinner. I was supposed to be sick. My whole body sagged in relief as I trudged back to my tangled up sheets and laid back down. I grabbed my headphones, sticking them in my ears and blasting the music to keep me from falling asleep again. There hadn't been enough pain today to keep away the nightmares.

My body wasn't exhausted enough to forget what had happened. I fought the tears back as they formed and tried to focus my tension into the songs that were playing. I did not fall asleep again until the sun began to rise the next day.

The next time I startled myself awake my eyes immediately glanced at the clock. It was after noon on Friday and I would now have missed an entire day of school instead of my recent half days. My body was aching, my mind exhausted, as I tried to focus on something besides the nightmares. It took me a half an hour to drag myself out of bed, but once I got downstairs I found a note from Charlie which explained that he had called my sickness in to the school, so I was covered. He also noted that Alice had called just as he was about to leave asking if she and I were still on for Saturday.

I groaned as I recalled my unfortunate plan to spend a few hours with Alice Cullen in Port Angeles, but I couldn't be too upset since I knew it would appease Charlie and keep me in Forks. I ate rather quickly, keeping up with the time I had until Charlie returned home. After I was done I grabbed my favorite item, my scissors, and headed to the bathroom to satiate my addiction and help the memories fade.

I sat down in my usual spot, leaning up against the shower door, and yanked down my pants quickly before kicking them off. I tried to slow down, to give my body time to relax but it had been too long and the nightmare was still fresh in my mind as my hand moved quickly to its rightful place. I felt the air rush out of my lungs as I pulled the sharp scissors across the scars.

I could feel my body shudder slightly as my eyes took in the pulsing red, the fruit of my obsession. My legs were now covered in the newer, open wounds; this had been my method back in Phoenix. Now that James' beatings were kept to a minimum, I had been improvising throughout the week and my legs were a testament to that. This time I had grabbed the tissue box before I'd sat down. I pulled a few tissues out to dab slowly at the blood as it pooled at the surface.

I could feel my body automatically relaxing under the familiar feeling of the sting and the blood. The nightmare started to fade under the intense feeling. It was disgusting to some, but, oh, so very comforting to me, my very own kind of beauty. I picked myself up after the sting had subsided and stripped off the rest of my clothing before moving into the shower.

After cleaning myself up, I made sure to dispose of the bloody tissues before I forgot about them. It wasn't until I had finished all the processes of my day to day ritual that I remembered to call Alice and make sure she knew I was still on for Saturday, if only to keep Charlie happy.

She was way too chipper as I spoke to her in curt sentences but I was starting to see it was inevitable with Alice, rather than annoying. I convinced myself that this was merely to prepare myself for the time I would spend with her tomorrow, because there was no way I was going to be friends with someone like Alice Cullen. Not a chance in hell.

Charlie was, of course, concerned for my health when he returned home and I explained to him how it must have been a 24 hour thing, because I was feeling much better and would be joining Alice tomorrow in going to Port Angeles. He seemed pleased with my declaration and I was free to slip back into my room after dinner.

I worked on a small amount of homework before picking up my favorite book, Pride and Prejudice, to engage in a bit of enjoyment reading. Though it was not consistent with my current state, Pride and Prejudice had been one of my favorites since I was a little girl. It was as though a part of me could not let go of the small speck of hope that someday I would be swept out of this fragile world of nightmares. As though there could actually be a Mr. Darcy out there for me.

I snorted as that thought passed through my head and threw the book the floor. No, I knew better than that. He had made sure I knew better than to believe in fairy tales. All I could believe in now was the addiction; the one constant and my saving grace.

As the night moved onward, I fell asleep to the sound of the monotonous rain pattering lightly on the roof over my head, dreading the moment my alarm would go off tomorrow morning, because I knew it would be the start of a most torturous day.

* * *

**Thoughts? Questions? Let me know if you are enjoying the story or not. :)**


	3. Scared and Lonely

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Warning: This story contains scenes of self-inflicted injury, along with other dark themes, in a very detailed manner so consider yourself forewarned.**

**A big thank you to my betas Maddux and Owlpostagain for making this story publishable. You guys are amazing!  
**

**Chapter 3:** **Scared and Lonely**

_I know there's something out there,_  
_I think I hear it move,_  
_I've never felt like this before,_  
_I wish you never told me,_  
_I wish I never knew,_  
_I wake up screaming,_  
_It's all because of you._

_So real these voices in my head,_  
_When it comes back you won't be,_  
_Scared and lonely,_  
_You won't be scared, you won't be,_  
_You won't be scared and lonely,_  
_You won't be scared, you won't be lonely._

_Scared and Lonely -Three Days Grace_

BPOV

I heard light footsteps as I twisted myself around in my sheets. I could feel the darkness starting to creep in as I fought to open my eyes. There was someone in my room, walking towards me. I felt the panic start to spread as I yanked back the covers, my eyes flying open and my fists coming up to defend myself from whomever had chosen to creep around my room.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to scare you but it's time to go, sleepy head!" I tried not to collapse in relief as my eyes adjusted to the sight of Alice Cullen standing a foot from me. I wanted to yell at her for scaring me and I wanted to dive back under my covers as I watched her eyes widen in shock when she took in my appearance.

I didn't usually have to cover up when I slept; Charlie already knew about my scars, so I could wear t-shirts to bed – though I never left my room without a long-sleeved shirt on. Now, I was standing in my pajama pants, thankfully, and a short sleeved t-shirt, which showcased all of the crosshatched white scars that covered my arms for Alice to see. I whirled around and grabbed my sweatshirt, pulling it on before grabbing all of my clothes for the day and stomping off to the bathroom.

Alice had composed her features rather quickly and was sitting calmly in my desk chair when I left. She didn't say a word about what she had seen. I tried to regulate my breathing, somewhat, as I shut the bathroom door. I could feel the blood pumping through my veins as my adrenaline and fear kicked in.

Through all the manhandling at school, I had somehow managed to keep my scars hidden, most people only saw the bruises, but now Alice knew and I didn't trust Alice not to tell anyone. I quickly yanked on my clothes before throwing my pajamas into my room and leading Alice back downstairs where Charlie was packing up for a fishing trip. I told Alice to wait outside while I spoke to him.

"Dad, didn't we talk about letting people into my room?" Charlie looked up at me from his packing, confusion evident in his expression. I sighed in exasperation as I yanked up one of my sleeves. I watched in satisfaction as all the blood drained out of his face and his expression became one of horror as he straightened.

"Oh shoot, Bells! I'm so sorry. I guess I just forgot. I didn't mean..." he was starting to turn red as his embarrassment became clear. I pulled my sleeve back down and twirled to grab an apple from the fridge before I threw on my shoes while he continued to sputter behind me.

"It's fine, Dad. I'll be back later tonight." He didn't say a word as I bounded down the porch steps and then stopped suddenly at the sight before me. Parked behind my rusty red truck by the curb was the most ostentatious car I have ever seen. It was a canary-yellow color and it screamed money. I rolled my eyes and finally got my body to keep walking towards the car.

"I have no idea why you would own a car like this. It's _yellow_," my face twisted into a mask of revulsion as I slid into the car and Alice hit me lightly in the shoulder at my comment. She was quick to pull away and soon we were flying towards Port Angeles. She was as crazy a driver as I was. Although our driving habits were similar, they were so for _very_ different reasons.

"This is the most beautiful car on earth, Bella, and it was a gift to me so don't you knock it!" I didn't try to argue with her logic; I didn't want to be the one to break it to her that killing canaries to paint your car was illegal. The trip was quick, maybe a half hour, where it would have taken an hour in the cruiser with Charlie. Alice blabbered the whole way there, too, for which I was grateful. It left me with the job of hmming and ahhing at all the right places, requiring very little verbal interaction on my part. It also kept us out of the awkwardness of acknowledging what she had seen this morning.

By the time we were pulling into the parking lot of Alice's favorite store in Port Angeles, I was thoroughly absorbed in my own thoughts and could not have even attempted to summarize what Alice had been talking about. I had no clue what she had been blabbing on about and was reminded of this as she turned to me with an expectant look on her face. Shit, she had asked me something.

"I'm sorry?" I shook my head slightly and tried to focus on the pixie bouncing around in front of me. She threw her head back and laughed, causing several people to stare at us.

"I asked if you like to shop?" I snorted and she whirled around to glare at my reaction. Apparently I was supposed to say that I loved to shop. I glared right back at her for a moment before she laughed again and slowed down to walk beside me.

"I hate shopping," I stated, willing her to get angry with me so I could walk away from this whole thing. Maybe that would get her to stop with the friend talk. I wasn't here to be all buddy-buddy anyway. She didn't get angry though, she merely shrugged and led me into the teen section of the store. There wasn't much of a selection but what could you expect in a small town?

I tried not to look too bored as she grabbed different items off the shelf and held them up to me. There were a few things she held up to herself with a grin and then, with a pile of clothes in her hand, she was tugging me towards the dressing rooms. I tried to catch all the clothes she shoved into my hands before she pushed me into an actual room and closed the door so I could try on the things she had chosen for me.

"I want to see all of them on you, Bella! That means you have to come out here with each item on and, believe me, I remember what I picked for you, so no cheating!" Her tone was adamant as I slowly stripped off my original shirt and pulled one of her chosen pieces off the hanger. She had put them all together very well, organized so that I knew what went together. The first top had spaghetti straps but she had paired it with a loose sweater that had tight long sleeves to cover my arms and wrists.

I tried not to look in the mirror, I didn't want to know what I looked like in fear of actually liking what she had chosen for me. I kept my eyes on the floor as I stepped out of the dressing room for Alice's inspection. I hadn't felt this nervous about a judgment from someone else in a very long time. I shuffled my feet as the silence stretched on before Alice was suddenly lifting my chin with a smile.

"This looks great on you. Do you like it?" Her eyes were kind as she smiled. I felt myself smile back slightly before stepping back to keep a bit of distance between us.

"I haven't seen it," I said softly and she squealed. She actually squealed, like those preppy girls on the television. I tried to hold back my laughter as she dragged me back into the dressing room and forced me to look at the outfit. I had to admit, it did look pretty good on me, but that didn't make me want to buy it anymore than before. I didn't need to dress up. Who was I going to dress up for anyway?

The rest of the clothes went about the same as the first. There were a few Alice didn't like but she said it was the clothes, not me. After she had picked out a whole new wardrobe for me, she grabbed a few items she had liked on her and went to the cash register. It wasn't until she stood up there with all my clothes that I realized what she was about to do.

"Alice! You can't pay for my clothes!" I tried to grab my items from her as she started to set them on the counter. She just snatched them back and handed them to the woman behind the counter.

"I can and I am going to. Consider it an early birthday present," She retorted with a grin.

"My birthday was in September and you barely know me!" She didn't even flinch as I tried to reach for the clothes. She was amazingly strong for such a small girl.

"Fine it's a belated present and we are going to be great friends, so don't you worry about that!" She grinned triumphantly as the cashier rang up the last item and bagged it. I huffed in irritation as I grabbed the bags and Alice paid with her shiny, black plastic credit card.

"Alright, grumpy, how about we go to a bookstore now? Would that cheer you up?" she inquired as we loaded our new clothes into her car. I tried to keep my irritated expression in place, but I loved books and somehow, she knew that.

"As long as you don't try to pay for those too," I conceded and she agreed with a smile before speeding off to the only bookstore in town. Just as I started to relax and submerge myself in the bookstore aura, Alice was tugging at my sleeve urgently. I growled lightly as I turned to her with a glare. Her expression was fearful and I felt my glare melt as I wondered what she could be upset about.

"What's going on Alice? What's wrong?" She grabbed the book from my hand only for me to pick it up again. I wanted to buy the book before we left. She tugged at me harder before speaking.

"We have to go now," her voice was a hiss as her eyes darted watchfully around the store. I didn't understand why she was being so pushy. All I saw was the old man at the counter and her canary-yellow car across the street. Her fear or caution didn't make sense to me.

"Alice I want to buy this," I stated as I moved towards the old man. He smiled a welcoming smile as I set the book down on the counter and reached for my money. Alice's agitation only grew as the old man took about five minutes to ring the book up.

As he handed me the receipt, I heard Alice curse softly and saw her shoulders slump in defeat. I turned to her in confusion but she only looked frustrated now as we started towards the door.

"So much for avoiding this," she whispered and I grabbed her arm before we got to the door.

"Alice, what the hell is going on?" She pulled out of my hold and opened the door to step out on the porch that surrounded the front of the store. Her face was shadowed in the fading light as the sun set behind the clouds.

"We will be fine. Let's go," she linked her arm through mine as she led me down the stairs and onto the sidewalk before we hit the street. I heard laughter and voices before I saw them. Alice wasn't even looking at the car, her eyes were trained to our left.

"Hey! What are you two doing out here, all alone?" the voice was clearly male and I could feel my body lock up before my mind could process what may be happening. Is this what Alice had been freaked out about? Then I saw them, surrounding us. There were six of them, total, and they were plastered – I could tell by the way they walked – I knew that walk all too well.

Two of them surrounded the canary car as they closed in on us rather quickly and I realized then why the car was no help. It was still warm this time of year and the top was down since it hadn't rained today.

I felt Alice slide her arm out of mine and position herself in front of me. I stared at her, confused as to what she was doing. I watched as she crouched low, her arms bending slightly as she leaned forward. What the hell?

"Alice what are you-" I kept my voice as low as I dared. I wasn't sure she heard me until she cut me off. She didn't turn her head to speak, she merely answered in a calm voice.

"I'm protecting you from them." I didn't know how to respond so I just stared at her before I shook my head and focused back on the men who were closing ranks. There was a growl then, low and menacing, and a shiver ran down my back at the sound. I looked around to pinpoint where the sound had come from and then it happened again. I felt my shock once again as I realized that Alice was making that noise.

"Back up assholes," her voice was dark, menacing, and I shivered again at this new person in front of me. The men stopped but did not back up, they were too out of it to realize danger when they saw it. My body, though, was well aware now that the greatest danger here was crouching in front of me, growling.

"Or what, _Princess_? You'll slap us to death?" The other men chuckled, some laughed uproariously, though it hadn't been that funny. I wrinkled my nose slightly as the scent of booze emanated from their mouths. It was a disgusting smell and one I thoroughly detested.

I could see Alice shift slightly and before I could blink, one of the men was on the ground groaning in pain. I felt my breathing quicken as my fear escalated – and it wasn't the men frightening me at this point.

"Paul? Hey, man, get up. What's wrong with you?" the leader, the one who had spoken first, addressed the man on the ground. Paul didn't stop groaning to respond.

"Alice... did you..." I couldn't finish my sentence as the other men looked around at each other in confusion. They hadn't even seen her move. One of the men backed up a bit and I watched as Alice turned towards him next. She didn't even bother answering me as I tried to keep my breathing under control.

I watched closely as Alice vanished from in front of me for a split-second, and then was back. It made sense that, to the men, it would seem as if she hadn't moved. I looked over at the man who had stepped back only to find him on the ground in a similar position as the first man. Two of the other men held up their hands and started to back away before turning and running for safety.

"How are you doing that?" the leader asked as he stood his ground. He didn't look frightened but he was probably the most drunk out of the lot. Alice stayed where she was, facing the leader and his last friend who had stuck around.

"I suggest you leave," she growled. I could see the both of them shiver slightly at her words. The leader's friend tugged on his arm lightly before turning and picking up one of the guys on the ground to carry him away. The leader's eyes lifted to meet my gaze for a moment and my whole body shivered in fear before he leaned over to grab the other guy and join his friend.

Alice slowly rose from her crouch then and with a heavy sigh pulled out her car keys before jumping into the front seat. She was quick to start the car and pull the top up as I slowly got in. My mind was still trying to process what had just happened. We didn't speak as Alice drove through town and stopped under a lamp light next to a small restaurant.

It wasn't until we had reached the door that she spoke again and she sounded so weighed down that I immediately felt bad for not speaking earlier. My fear had overridden the realization that Alice had just gotten us out of a very sticky situation and I probably should have thanked her.

"I'm sorry Bella. I didn't want us to run into them. I was hoping we could avoid it. Are you okay?" I tried to organize my thoughts so I wouldn't say anything that would hurt her feelings.

"I'm fine. I'm just glad they didn't hurt us, I'm glad you were there." I think I surprised her with my reaction because her whole face lit up at my words. As the waitress seated us and handed us the menu, I tried to keep myself open to accepting what had just happened.

"So you're not freaked out or anything? I mean, I didn't want to scare you and I still really want to be friends." She looked so sincere. I immediately felt guilty that my first thought was to tell her that I didn't want friends. I tried to suppress it as I formulated my answer.

"It's not that I don't want to be friends, but, sure, I'm a little freaked out, Alice. I mean you just beat down two guys and scared off four others in super speed or something. Are you superwoman?" She laughed but didn't seem offended as my brain tried to form some logical explanation.

"No, I'm not superwoman. What did you want to eat?" She inquired, changing topics suddenly. I quirked at eyebrow at her just as the waitress returned to the table. I looked at my menu quickly before ordering a soda and a chicken fajita. Alice didn't order anything.

"So I guess we're even now, right?" Alice's voice cut into my chewing as I tried not to think about what had just happened. Mostly, I was occupied with what the hell Alice could be. I looked up at her, confused again.

"I mean from this morning and all. We're even?" I fought the sudden urge to laugh as my brain tried to recall this morning. It seemed so long ago, especially after Alice's little display. Of course, when I chose to spend time with someone it has to be superwoman or something. I was a danger magnet that was for sure.

"Yeah, Alice. We're even." We didn't talk much after that. It was mostly small talk and the issue was never brought up again as to what had happened. The drive back was just as quick as our drive out. It was only about 7pm, but I was sure Charlie would be worried about what had happened to me. I grabbed two of my bags while Alice grabbed the rest and helped me put them away upstairs.

After Alice spoke to Charlie he seemed to completely forget that we had been gone all day and I made it to my room without much of a fuss. I tried to stay calm as the darkness of my room had my eyes seeing things. I didn't understand what the hell had happened and I wasn't sure I wanted to. All I knew was that my body was reacting in a violent way as I shook under my covers for more than an hour. I still couldn't get the memory of Alice crouched in front of me out of my head. By the time the shuddering stopped I was exhausted and I fell into a dreamless sleep that I was only awoken from as the sun peeked through my window the following Sunday morning.

I did a lot of homework Sunday, on the front porch to soak up as much sun as I could before it vanished beneath the normal cloud cover of Forks. I was grateful for the sun and the way its warmth kept the shaking away. Sunday night Charlie brought back a few more pounds of fish and then Monday was upon me – I would have to go to school for the whole day.

They wouldn't be too pleased if I tried to skip out on two days of school. I found myself somewhat excited, with the mystery of Alice and her family hanging in the air. Then there was Edward, and I had to wonder if he was a superhero, too. I was resolved to ignore him either way, so I tried to tell myself it didn't matter as I entered school Monday morning.

Most of my classes went well and I sat down at my usual table at lunch only to have Alice join me moments later. None of her group came with her.

"Hey, Bella! How was the rest of your weekend?" She sounded excited as she sat down beside me. I tried to ignore the stares as most of the cafeteria speculated with one another as to why the new girl was trying to befriend the resident freak.

"Pretty good. I did homework all Sunday and now I'm here." I picked up an apple as I spoke and took a bite before looking at her. I hadn't eaten lunch here in a long time, it was nice to eat and be 50% sure you wouldn't puke it up later in the day.

"Sweet! I went camping with my family on Sunday. Do you mind if I sit with you from now on?" she inquired. I tried to squash the hope that had started budding since yesterday concerning having a new friend. I didn't need friends, but Alice was slowly spoiling me into thinking I did. Plus, though I couldn't be sure of what Alice was, I had slept without nightmares and without the necessity of easing the addiction. It was a new situation for me.

"Sure," I told her. She grinned and we sat in comfortable silence as I ate my apple and she worked on some homework.

I was somewhat nervous as I entered my biology class that day, but I had no reason to be. I studiously ignored my lab partner while Mr. Banner lectured. Edward did not try to speak to me today, for which I was grateful. I didn't want to have to see what he thought of me again and I still wasn't sure if I wanted to know if he was similar to Alice or not.

One superhero was enough for me, thank you. So, the week progressed. It became routine for Alice to sit at my table and by the end of the week most of the student body had stopped talking about it. James caught up with me once in a while, only to have bear man, who I had learned was named Emmett, come to my rescue with Edward by his side each time. I didn't understand why he continued to help me if he found me so repulsive, though I had refused to look at him since the first day I'd met him. For the rest of the week I went without acknowledging my biology partner, much to the frustration of Mr. Banner.

**Thoughts, feelings, questions? Review and let me know! I'd love to know how ya'll are feeling about the story. :)**

**peace & grace  
**


	4. Imaginary

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**A big thank you to my betas Maddux and Owlpostagain for being awesome and making this story readable. :)  
**

**Chapter 4:**** Imaginary**

_Don't say I'm out of touch,  
With this rampant chaos - your reality,  
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge,  
The nightmare I built my own world to escape._

_In my field of paper flowers,  
And candy clouds of lullaby,  
I lie inside myself for hours,  
And watch my purple sky fly over me._

_Imaginary -Evanescence_

BPOV

Darkness, one that wouldn't go away, was choking me as I lay paralyzed under the waves of fear that seemed to roll off my skin. I could smell the liquor on his breath, I could hear him walking around me, as though he could see me. My eyes strained harder to make him out, to give me a target so I could fight against what I knew was coming.

The darkness allowed me no sight, though, and I cried out for help, already knowing no one would come. My cries only made him laugh. He enjoyed my noises, he had told me so once. I tried to close my mouth but my pleas continued as I panicked. His voice was rough, older, and he knew full well what he was doing when he knelt next to me and lay his hand on my stomach only to lift it a moment later.

He could smell my fear and was waiting for me to cry out. He wanted to see my hopes dashed as he finally got what he came for. He always got what he came for. I felt the tears start to form as my shouts grew hoarse until I could barely whisper out my pleas. The darkness was suffocating as my body tried to twist away from where he was kneeling next to me.

"Mine, mine, mine, mine. You're all mine, Princess," he laughed, a loud, raucous laugh that had me cringing to get away from him even as my bonds kept me from going anywhere. I tried to reach out, to hit him in some way, only to have my efforts thwarted by my bonds again.

"You always were feisty." I felt his hand touching my stomach again as he tugged at my t-shirt. I tried to scream again but nothing came out. I thrashed against his movements and he laughed as my shirt continued to reveal my pale skin. His stubby fingernails scraped lightly up my stomach as he went, causing my body to shiver in revulsion.

"You like that...?" he purred, his lips at my ear. I felt myself shudder again before he leaned down to inspect my skin.

"You are so beautiful, so pale and perfect. Like a china doll, my little, toy china doll. You're all mine." I tried to think of my scars, the way he had been so angry and threw me away from him in disgust because I had ruined the perfect china doll skin he had loved. Yet now I was whole again and without the scars I was his slave, stuck under his dirty hands and forced into silence. I tried to focus on the scars, will them back so he would throw me away again. So he would hit me in anger, instead of touch me.

"Hey, asshole! Let her go!" I searched in the darkness as Alice's voice rang out through the darkness. I couldn't see her but I begged my mind to be straight with me so I wouldn't get my hopes up. I could see the growling Alice in my mind's eye; the way she had knocked over those men so easily and I felt the tears start to fall in relief at that thought of her being here.

I could see the light as it started towards me and him, exposing his hand as it held my shirt above my breasts. His eyes, which I knew had been trained on me, had jumped to search for whomever had yelled at him. Yet as the light grew closer I could see that Alice was not the one to approach. This person was male and oh, so beautiful as he lit up the darkness around me.

I gasped as I recognized who was now coming to my rescue. Edward Cullen.

"Let her go." His voice was adamant as he stood on the other side of me looking half feral, half human. I heard my gasp, rather than experienced it, as my eyes studied his beauty. He stood firmly and I could see he would not take no as an answer. I wanted to laugh in the face of the man who thought he could conquer me. I could feel his dirty fingers slowly release my shirt and he stood to fight my rescuer.

In the blink of an eye I could see Edward's fist punch through the man's chest and his eyes grew wide, glancing down at the arm through him, before he vanished into the darkness. My eyes flew back to Edward as he knelt down beside me and started untying my bonds. His fingers were cool as he pulled my arms gently out of their uncomfortable positions.

His honey-golden eyes never left mine as my breathing returned to normal and my tears dried. They held no malice in this nightmare-turned-dream and his pity had vanished. As soon as he had untied all of my bonds he slipped his arms under me and then we were flying through the darkness. He was moving so quickly I had to remember to breathe as the cold air rushed against my tear stained face.

The darkness started to change around us to a lighter color that made me think of the moon, though I couldn't make out anything of substantial detail as he ran. It wasn't long before he was slowing down and breaking through the line of trees into a small meadow that practically glittered in the moonlight around us.

"Edward," I whispered quietly, my voice raspy from all my screaming, "thank you for saving me from – " I shuddered as my mind replayed the darkness and his sinister laugh. Edward smiled at me for the second time since I had met him and, once again, my thoughts scattered, rendering me mute.

He walked us to the middle of the clearing before setting me down lightly in the grass. He didn't sit down until I tugged gently on his hand and then he was folding himself gracefully next to me. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to find proof that he was real. Yet I kept my hands to myself in fear of his reaction.

We didn't speak, at all. He never said a word after his demand that I be let go. He merely turned to watch me as I looked up at the moon. I tried not to look at him too much but after a few minutes I gave up and turned my head to meet his beautiful eyes. What I saw there brought unbidden tears to my eyes. He looked so sad, like he had lost a part of his soul and had just realized it. I felt my hand reach up to touch his cheek lightly.

He leaned into my touch for a moment before opening his eyes to look at me again. The sadness was still there and I sighed in frustration. I couldn't have the man who had saved me hurting the way he was.

"Edward, what's wrong?" my voice sounded loud and intrusive after the silence that we had just experienced. I could hear him sigh as well and could feel his sweet breath rushing over my face. I didn't understand why he couldn't speak but he didn't respond, he merely continued to watch me with that same look of sadness.

I had to look away for a moment as I tried to think of what could be hurting him so much. Suddenly, I was being jostled around as he grabbed me in his cold embrace and flipped me back before he placed himself in front of me in a low crouch. The growl that came out of him had my knees weak as I searched for the danger I knew was coming.

If I had learned anything from Alice, crouching meant danger, and his growl was far more frightening than hers had been. As I searched, to no avail, for the danger, I heard a crunch behind me and a burst of pain before I began to fall.

I felt my head hit the ground and then the rest of my body follow suit before I realized what had happened. It was just a dream... a nightmare... I let myself lay there for a few minutes as the adrenaline faded from my system. That was not the same old nightmare because Edward had never been in my nightmares before. He had saved me from one nightmare but what had followed us into the meadow?

Better yet, who the hell hit me? I felt my head throb slightly as it registered that I did actually get hit, probably by my headboard when I had jerked in my sleep. I pushed myself up and back onto my bed while I mulled over the new nightmare/dream I had slipped into. What did it mean that Edward had been there? I had been ignoring him all week so it didn't make sense that he was there.

Why had he saved me? That had never happened before in any of my nightmares involving my past and it didn't make sense, considering how I knew he felt about me. I shuddered as my brain ran over the first half of the nightmare/dream. That man was the reason I couldn't sleep without my scars to protect me. They were _my_ beauty, they were what kept me safe from his prying eyes. I tried to direct my train of thought elsewhere before I found myself holed up in the bathroom with my scissors again while Charlie was sleeping in the next room.

It worked well to think of my savior again and worry about why my subconscious may have cast him as my savior. I didn't understand why it wasn't Alice, the one I knew had some kind of gift, the one I knew wanted to be my friend. Instead, my mind had chosen Edward, and I wasn't too happy with that since I didn't want to speak to him, let alone have him save me. At least that's what I'd been telling myself since that first day in biology.

It didn't matter what I wanted though. I knew the minute he saw my scars he'd turn tail and run as far from me as physically possible. I knew how it went, I had tried before, when I was much younger and much more naïve. Boys didn't fall for girls with mental problems, which is what they called it when people cause self-inflicted injury: a mental problem.

Yet, none of this was going to help me control my dreams, or whatever my subconscious had going for Edward. I would have to do that on my own, maybe through some kind of experiment. If I can prove to myself that he is just as annoying and stupid as the rest of them, then the feelings should go away. At least then I can be friends with Alice and Edward while not having the problem of casting him as my savior as well. He was no Mr. Darcy, _that,_ I could tell, just by the way he had looked at me.

I smiled into the growing light as my mind accepted the proposal. I would start today and prove, once and for all, that Edward Cullen was not worth my time or effort.

xXx

It was an overcast day in Forks, the same as any normal day, but I could feel the difference in the way I walked, the way I greeted Alice in the parking lot – much to her surprise – I knew today would be different. I tried not to grin as James scowled in Emmett's direction and kept my mask of calm under control as Alice skipped up to me so she could walk me to my first class. My new bodyguard and only friend. Yeah, we were sort of friends, now that we had each accidentally unveiled pieces of our secrets to each other. Though we hadn't discussed our secrets after the fact, I knew the only reason I was able to trust her was because I was privy to a small piece of her secret just as she was privy to a small piece of mine. As she had so eloquently put it – we were even.

"Don't you just love how upset he gets every time we show up at school? It is so entertaining, like he is just waiting for the day we stop coming," Alice giggled happily and I smiled, one small smile before we reached my classroom. She squeezed my hand quickly before she was off to her own class and I made my way into Spanish class. I was almost never late now.

I made it through my class periods without incident and Emmett followed me, at a distance, to the cafeteria. He had never officially met me, he just kept protecting me because Alice asked him to. I felt a pang of guilt as I realized that I could have introduced myself at some point, maybe even started a sort of friendship with my protector. If he was kind enough to be my bodyguard, he would probably make a good friend as well.

_You don't need friends. You'll only get hurt._ I shoved that thought down into the darkness as quickly as I could before it could take over.

I sat down at my usual empty table while Emmett made his way, parting the sea of students, to his own table with Rosalie, Edward, and Jasper. Alice had told me all of their names and it wasn't long before Alice herself was plopping down next to me. She never had a tray of food so I didn't even bother asking if she wanted anything from my tray as she pulled out a book and started reading.

It was a rather uneventful lunch period until the last ten minutes rolled around and I could feel my nerves start to take action, causing my heart to speed up and my palms to grow clammy. Alice glanced up at me with a knowing look before marking her page and putting away her book. She turned to face me.

"What's got you so nervous?" she demanded as she folded her hands together on the table. Alice could read me like nobody's business. I tried to keep my eyes clear as I responded that I wasn't nervous, but my blush gave me away and she laughed.

"Okay, okay so I'm a little nervous. I'm not telling you why, though. Not that it matters. You probably already know why." I watched as Alice's expression went from curious to devilish in the matter of a moment. I hit her lightly on the arm and she giggled again.

"Exactly," I grumbled as I started to pack up my things for my biology class. My nerves hadn't calmed down one bit and Alice just kept grinning at me while I tried very hard to ignore her. Out of all the weird things I was starting to notice about Alice, I had also come to realize that she could pretty much predict anything and be right about its outcome. You would not catch me betting against Alice, ever. It also made her extremely annoying when you were trying to hide something and she already knew what it was, though I still hadn't figured out how she knew the things she did.

Alice led me over to her family's table, grinning all the way, and I tried my best to ignore her pointed looks but that wasn't working out so well – I was already beet red by the time we got to where Edward was waiting. I watched as he looked over at Alice, confusion marring his features, then he turned and beckoned for me to follow as Alice skipped away.

He didn't even try to speak to me. Ever since Alice had asked him to walk me to biology, to keep me away from James, I had made it clear that I wouldn't answer even if he did speak to me. As we walked, I started to feel more guilt at the way I had treated him over the last week.

"So... doing anything fun this weekend?" I inquired casually. I think I shocked him a bit because the look he gave me made me want to shrink into a tiny speck of dust. He looked annoyed. Strike one against Edward Cullen, I thought smugly to myself. He seemed to recover rather quickly, though, as he responded.

"Nothing particularly interesting. I'll probably go hunting with Emmett, Jasper, and Carlisle, my dad. We go hunting every couple of weekends. How about you?" he turned his head towards me as we sat down at our lab table. I was slightly taken aback at his expression. He looked extremely curious, all traces of annoyance gone, like the first day when I had snapped at him. I tried to clear my head and come up with an appropriate answer.

"Uh. Not much. I will probably hang out with Alice at some point and then work on homework the rest of the time," I tried to smile but I was sure my nerves turned it into more of a grimace. Edward nodded but the curious expression never left his eyes.

"So you are going to be friends with her, now? I'm glad you've changed your mind. She is much happier when you're nice to her." I felt another pang of guilt as I thought of the first impression I must have made upon her and, yet, she still wanted to be my friend. I thought for a moment about inquiring if he had the same superpowers she had, but tossed out that idea rather quickly as Mr. Banner walked into the room.

"Yeah. I was wrong. I guess friends are cool. Plus, Alice and I have an understanding. Neither of us fit in," I whispered back. I didn't check to see if he was going to respond and before he could, Mr. Banner was starting his lecture. The rest of the period rushed by as I tried to calm my nerves and keep my mind from dwelling on my dream from last night.

Once the bell rang I was surprised to see Edward wait for me to gather my things and walk out the door with me. There was no Alice in sight. I tried not to laugh as I thought of how she had probably planned it that way.

"Neither of you fit in? I think the two of you fit just fine in our group. The other students aren't worth it anyway." I looked up at him only to find him gazing right back at me. I tore my eyes away quickly so I wouldn't trip in front of him.

"Yeah," I looked up to figure out where we were headed when I found myself staring directly at James. He was leaning up against my locker with a few of his cronies surrounding him. I stopped and Edward planted himself in front of me. I could see James' eyes narrow in anger at my new friend, but he just laughed at the two of us standing there. He made no move to leave.

"Move, James." Edward's voice was low, angry, and it instantly reminded me of the way he had spoken in my dream/nightmare. James' cronies laughed as James folded his arms and stood his ground.

"Not a chance in hell, Cullen." I could see Edward tense, his muscles flexing and bunching in a move that reminded me of Alice and our night in Port Angeles. I was starting to see the similarities as I got to study them both a little more. I wondered momentarily if he even realized he was doing it. The hallways had cleared by then, though a few students stood at their lockers a few yards down the hall. After a few minutes of tense silence I heard it, a low growl – that I was sure only I could hear.

I listened harder and almost started jumping up and down when I heard it again coming right out of Edward. There was my proof that he was just like Alice and he could kick James' ass, along with all his cronies if he so chose. I thought back to the days I had been angry at their protection and wanted to laugh right in James' face.

I didn't need his services anymore. I had gotten back into my old routine of sneaking around Charlie and, much to my surprise, hanging around Alice curbed the addiction just enough to slow down the cutting, too. It wouldn't be so noticeable to anyone else, though the nightmares were just as bad, but I knew I was changing under Alice's influence. Who knew that having a friend who didn't fit in, like me, would make things easier to deal with?

"James, you and your friends need to get to class. Mr. Cullen, Miss Swan, you two need to follow suit," Mr. Banner walked down the hall towards the group with an annoyed expression as Edward quickly straightened out of his crouched position. As James and his friends walked away, Edward walked me to my locker without saying a word and escorted me to my class before leaving for his own.

After my last few classes and being accompanied to my truck, I said goodbye to Alice and drove home with a smile. Today, of all days, had been good. Just like I'd predicted. Maybe Alice's skills were rubbing off on me. Today would also be the first day I picked up my scissors and put them back down without making any new cuts. The addiction could wait another day.

**Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Review and let me know!  
**

**peace & grace  
**


	5. I'm So Sick

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Warning: This story contains scenes of self-inflicted injury, along with other dark themes, in a very detailed manner so consider yourself forewarned.**

**A big thank you to my amazing betas Maddux and Owlpostagain for making this story presentable. You guys are amazing!  
**

**Chapter 5:**** I'm So Sick**

_I'm so sick,  
Infected with where I live,  
Let me live without this,  
Empty bliss,  
Selfishness,  
I'm so sick,  
I'm so sick._

_If you want more of this,  
We can push out, sell out, die out,  
So you'll shut up,  
And stay sleeping,  
With my screaming in your itching ears._

_I'm So Sick -Flyleaf_

BPOV

The sunshine woke me as I tumbled out of bed, wiping the sleep out of my eyes, and trying to get myself focused on something besides Edward. It seems that my plan to befriend him has given my mind something good to think about since my nightmare has once again cast him as my savior. Charlie had already left for work by the time I made it down the stairs for a bit of breakfast and then I was off to another day of high school.

The drive was short and I anticipated getting to see Alice and Edward, all the while enjoying the rare day of murky sunshine. It wasn't until I found a spot to park in that I realized something was off. Emmett's jeep was nowhere to be found – none of the Cullen cars were in the parking lot. They were probably just running late, I certainly couldn't expect them to be on time everyday.

I debated momentarily if I wanted to wait for them in the parking lot, but that seemed silly, so I left my truck and kept my head down as I made my way to my locker. I should have known it wouldn't be that easy – as soon as I reached my locker, James was eying me and searching for my usual bodyguard.

"Where's your bodyguard, Swan? Ditch you today?" James slid one arm around my waist suddenly and yanked me back from my open locker with a laugh. It took me a little more effort to get my mask in place, I was so out of practice. I had been spoiled over the past week and a half. I felt myself search hopelessly for Emmett or Alice, someone, to stop him and bring things back to the new normal, but no one came.

"They aren't here today, are they?" James sneered, his cronies laughed and one of them high-fived another. I finally got my mask in place and stopped searching for them, they weren't coming to my rescue today. I felt his fingers pull at my hair as he yanked my head back until my eyes met his. The rage and ugly desire was back and I tried to keep myself from shuddering. The anger was winning out, though, and I knew he was going to punish me for having avoided his beatings for so long.

"I've got you all to myself again," he laughed before releasing my hair and grabbing both my arms while another one of his friends grabbed my legs. Before I knew what was happening they were shoving me inside my locker and laughing hysterically. This was not a part of their normal beatings. I could feel my eyes start to search frantically for a hall monitor or a teacher but there were only wide-eyed students as James shut the door on me.

I could feel the darkness start to overtake me as flashes of hands, dirty hands, started to invade my mind. I could hear myself screaming for help but I could not recognize my own voice as my mind started to shut down behind the memories. I could hear James laughing loudly while a few of his friends, sounding a bit panicked, told him the joke was over and he needed to let me out. None of it mattered though as the darkness pressed in and my breaths became pants, slowly suffocating me.

I tried to focus on the slanting rays of light that shone through the slits in the locker, but it wasn't enough to stop all the memories from resurfacing. I felt my body start to sweat and then slow down its thrashing as I gave in to my fate.

"Bella! Bella! Can you hear me? James! Get away from the door! Take him down to my office, now!" I felt myself start to fall, as the door was whipped open, my hands slapped the linoleum floor and my head followed quickly after. I groaned as the pain ran through my body, but I could not lift myself because my arms were shaking so hard. I could feel the throbbing through my entire body – I knew I would have some terrible bruises.

I could hear the whispers as I panted; the students whispered about my screams – my only reaction to anything James had ever done to me. Mr. Greene bent down until I could hear him trying to speak to me, asking me if I was okay. I tried to push myself up again, but my arms protested until I stopped. Then I was being dragged up by a soft pair of hands. The nurse held me up and pulled me away to the nurse's office to make sure I hadn't broken anything. Mr. Greene followed, silently, a few feet behind.

"Okay, dear, go ahead and sit on the table there, so I can make sure you're okay. Does anything feel broken?" Her tone was kind and motherly as she looked me over, poking me a few times. I winced, but as soon as she went to lift my sleeves I shook my head and jumped away from her.

"No! No. I'm fine, really. He didn't mean any harm, he didn't realize I was claustrophobic." My lies came effortlessly as I tried to keep the nurse from lifting my sleeves. I didn't want her to see my scars, I didn't want any of them to know about my addiction. I felt the desperate need for the pain flare again as I realized that the Cullens weren't going to protect me today.

The nurse eyed me skeptically, but let the issue drop and turned me over to Mr. Greene, telling him that I would be alright. He didn't say a word as he led me to his office, where James was undoubtedly waiting. As we entered the building, I could see James sitting in a small chair in another room. He made a face at me and then winked.

"Miss Swan, if you would like to press charges we need to know now. I can suspend James for a week and when he comes back we will deal with keeping him away from you." I felt my head start to shake in a clear no as he tried to finish his sentence. I stepped back from him and turned away from James' prying eyes.

"No, no, I don't want to do any of that. He thought it was a joke, he didn't know and I didn't think to stop him. It's fine, I'm fine. Can we just let it go, pretend it didn't happen?" My voice was soft as I tried to keep my emotions under control. I didn't want any charges or trials. I didn't want to have anyone looking at me too closely. I didn't want to fight anyone and I didn't want to deal with the stares and judgments if I did press charges. When had I started caring about what others thought of me?

Mr. Greene looked confused for a moment as he tried to process what I was saying. His eyes flickered to James and back to my face and I tried to keep a hold of the small amount of control I had left.

"Miss Swan... are you telling me you let him put you into the locker? That it was meant as a joke?" He looked incredulous, trying to sum up what I had told him. I lifted my eyes to his, defiance my main emotion in that moment.

"Yes, sir. It just got out of hand. It won't happen again." Mr. Greene leaned towards me slightly, his expression serious.

"Miss Swan, you do realize, if you do this, I cannot punish him for what happened?" His voice was whispered and urgent as he tried to get me to admit what he couldn't be sure even happened. He hadn't been there until I was already in the locker, how could he know for sure? I tried not to laugh at the irony of what I was doing. I was letting James get away Scott-free for what he did to me. I was lying for him. No, that wasn't entirely true, I was lying for me, to protect myself, and my secrets.

"Yes, sir. May I go? I have class." He stared at me a moment longer before nodding, his whole posture slumping as he admitted defeat. I grabbed my things then, not bothering to look back as Mr. Greene went to speak to James. I was late for class, but this time I had a note. It didn't matter much either way because everyone in school knew what had happened by now. Mrs. Rodriguez did not yell at me, she did not say a word, though her eyes said it all as she glanced at me with pity.

I tried to justify my actions on paper as I pressed my pen into my notebook and let the hatred spill out once more. The ink was like blood as it flowed and bloomed across the page. I wanted to laugh and to cry as I ignored the overall crushing feeling of abandonment. They were just like everyone else, always disappearing when I needed them most. I tried to hold back my anger as I analyzed how I had fallen for Alice's act.

She'd wanted to be friends and now I was left with that friendship crumbled, crushed on the floor at my feet. This was why I had refused to have friends before she had come along. They always ended up letting me down. I knew what I deserved out of life and friendship was not a part of the package.

James didn't bother me in between my classes and I began to relax a bit as I started towards the cafeteria. James was nowhere to be found, but I did see several of his friends around me. What I failed to note was the way they started to close ranks around me until it was too late and I was trapped into going where ever they led me.

I could see Laurent to my left and he leered at me for a moment before Victoria snapped at him to knock it off. She didn't even look at me as they all herded me towards the back of the school. She was the only female in James' group – she was considered his girlfriend. I had often wondered what she thought of his obsession with me, though the looks of jealousy I saw in her eyes every once in a while explained it pretty well.

Victoria hated me.

"Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in..." My eyes snapped up to find James lounging comfortably against one of the brick buildings. He looked flushed, as though he'd been running, but I highly doubted that was the case. I felt a hand grab my arm and nails dig into my skin as Victoria dragged me over to James. The rest of his followers created a loose half circle around us.

"Now... I should technically be suspended right now, but I suppose I have you to thank, since I'm still here." James laughed as he grabbed my shoulders and shook me. I could smell the liquor on his breath, he had been drinking.

"Yeah, I bet it's 'cause she's afraid of what you'd do to her if she ratted on you." Victoria's high soprano voice cut in and James looked at her, a slow grin spreading across his features. With his eyes on her, he shoved at my shoulders hard and with one foot knocked my feet from underneath me. I felt my entire back slam into the ground, knocking the wind out of me while they all laughed.

"Hold her down," James growled as he glared down at me. A few of his bigger friends grabbed my wrists and my ankles while Victoria crouched down and placed one delicate hand over my mouth, effectively keeping me from screaming, though I'd never made a noise before when they'd beat me.

James moved to one side of me and lifted a foot, hovering his muddy combat boot over my face. He pulled back after a moment, his balance was a bit off, and threw all his weight into slamming the heavy shoe into my rib cage. I could hear the crack as my breath rushed out of me. I couldn't breathe momentarily, but I did not make a sound as my body fought to take in some kind of air.

"I have been waiting for this ever since your new friends showed up. Can't protect you all the time, can they?" He laughed again as I tried to shut out thoughts of my friends. They may be powerful, but they could not protect me forever – I had learned my lesson. I remember, now, why I didn't want any friends in the first place.

My eyes followed him as he moved to my other side before winding back and kicking me. My body jolted, trying to curl up and protect itself. I tried to pull in another rasping breath while their hands held me in place.

"Let her go," James ordered. Their hands slowly disappeared and my body curled onto its side. I could feel my ribs protest as my weight shifted and stretched them. Before I realized what had happened I couldn't breathe once again. James had wound up and slammed his boot into my stomach. He laughed uproariously as I gasped, my face pressed into the dirt while my body tried to protect itself.

"Let's get something to eat. I'm starving." My eyes slowly opened again and I watched as Victoria slid an arm around James' waist. She looked back at me, her eyes dancing as she laughed and smiled. I felt my eyes slide closed again as I finally caught my breath, only to groan when my ribs fought against the movement.

It took me about five minutes to get my breathing under control while I fought back the emotions swirling through me. I had to get to class and after school I could head to the doctor. I hadn't been there in a while, so at least I could pretend like I really had tripped and fallen or something of the like. I pushed myself up slowly, letting my body adjust to the pain of breathing and moving before I grabbed my discarded books.

I made it to class on time, though I was rushing because I had to stop at the bathroom and wipe off the dirt I had accumulated from laying on the ground. It wasn't until I started towards my next class that I knew I wouldn't make it through the rest of the day like this. Breathing was painful enough and having to hold my ribs together without hurting myself more was even more difficult.

Plus, I had every eye on me anywhere I went. The student body of Forks High School was buzzing about the locker fiasco this morning and with all the staring, they were noticing the way I walked, how I was a little off. So I gave up for the day and piled my stuff into the cab of my truck.

It was a quick trip to the hospital, but I drove slowly in an effort to avoid the bumps in the road, and in turn, keep my ribcage from being jostled around too much. I found a parking spot rather quickly and locked my truck before turning to go inside. The receptionist greeted me with a smile, no doubt recognizing me, though I couldn't remember her name.

"Miss Swan. What can we do for you today?" I tried to smile in return but the pain was getting worse so I merely held onto my sides lightly and stepped closer to the desk.

"I need to see Dr. Gerandy. I fell." I kept my explanation short because she didn't need to know the details, only Dr. Gerandy did. He would be the only one that understood, or at least, he had been told about my scars. I was okay with him treating my injuries because he had been the one they told when I had moved here. Someone at the hospital had to know, just in case anything happened.

"I'm sorry. Dr. Gerandy isn't in today. Dr. Cullen is here, though. Would it be okay for you to talk to him?" I tried to keep my mask in place while the panic started to well up. I shifted slightly and I had to fight to keep myself standing straight as the pain ripped through me again. The nurse's expression instantly turned to concern and I silently cursed my lack of control.

"Can you call Dr. Gerandy? Please?" My tone took on a pleading note as I considered begging. How could I face a Cullen at this point? Would he tell his family about me and my problems?

"I'm sorry, sweetie, he's on vacation. He should be back by the weekend but that's four days away and you look like you're in a lot of pain." I tried to breathe again and winced. There was no way I was making it four days. I was 99% sure James had broken something, because most of the time, it never hurt this much.

"Fine. Fine. Dr. Cullen," I acquiesced with poor grace. She smiled and turned to the phone, but before she could dial, Dr. Cullen himself was walking towards us. His gaze caught mine and I looked away.

"Dr. Cullen! I was just about to page you. Miss Swan, here, fell and wanted to see Dr. Gerandy. Since he is not here I was going to have you come down." She set down the phone, her eyes wide as she looked over the man she worked with. I tried to hold back my laughter at her obvious admiration towards the good-looking doctor.

"Thank you, Katie. Miss Swan, right this way." I looked back up at Dr. Cullen and he smiled but all I could see were his bright, gold eyes, which made me think of Alice and Edward. I cursed my luck as I looked back towards the ground and followed him in silence. I could see why Katie would admire him, he was very handsome and young for a doctor. It would make more sense to assume he was a supermodel than a doctor, but who was I to judge?

"Now, what seems to be the problem, Bella?" His voice was soft, considerate as he led me into a small examination room and shut the door with a quiet click. I tried not to look directly at him as I sat down on the exam table – covered in crinkly paper.

"I fell at school. I think I broke something. Usually I talk to Dr. Gerandy about this stuff. He knows..." My words cut off as my emotions took over momentarily. I didn't want to have to explain my problems to anyone. At least Dr. Gerandy knew about it before I even had to meet him.

"I wish he was here, but every doctor needs a little vacation time. He and his wife are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary this week. Would it be okay if I helped you?" He was trying to be kind and understanding and I avoided his eyes. I finally got my emotions under control enough to be able to look at him.

"I have scars," I whispered, "A lot of scars from when I was in Phoenix and I have bruises because I fall a lot. I know it looks bad, but no one has ever treated me besides Dr. Gerandy, so if you're going to help, you should know before you see them. I think, when I fell today, I broke a rib or two, it's excruciating." Dr. Cullen didn't look surprised in the least, for which I was glad. Even if he was shocked, he seemed to have a very good poker face. I tried to relax as I spoke, but it wasn't working.

"Alright, let me take a look and we will do a few tests, if necessary. I can give you a prescription for the pain if you think you need it. Lay back please." I had to let go of my ribs then, and they protested as gravity took over. I placed both my hands behind me so I could lower myself slowly to the paper. I winced as my ribcage fought me the whole way down.

Dr. Cullen had pulled on a pair of gloves before he moved to my side and had me pull up my shirt so he could see my ribs. His eyes betrayed nothing as they took in the rows of scars and the blooming bruises from the beating James had laid on me. I closed my eyes and waited patiently while he gently checked for breaks and fractures.

"This is pretty severe. You have two broken ribs on one side and you will have a large amount of bruising for the next few days. Though I can see that you're still healing from previous bruising, so I suppose you're used to that. How did you fall?" His voice held honest curiosity and I wracked my brain for an answer.

"I fell down the stairs at school, from the top to the bottom. It hurt a lot." I had used that lie on Dr. Gerandy a few times and I was quick to use it again, since Dr. Cullen had never treated me before.

"Alright, well, try and be more careful next time. The healing process will take about six weeks, if you are careful with it but, other than that, your lungs are intact, okay?" I nodded as he helped me to slowly sit back up. I was a bit surprised he could gather as much from merely looking me. Normally, Dr. Gerandy had to x-ray me before he could come to any solid conclusions. Once I'd had help getting down from my perch on the table, Dr. Cullen filled out my chart.

"I don't need a prescription. I have medication at home from the last time I was here. I don't usually come in unless it's more painful than normal. I fall a lot so if the pain is that bad, then there could be something more wrong, which is why I came this time." He was glancing through my previous files, then, while I tried to keep myself as comfortable as possible – the pain was still extremely distracting.

"Bella," I froze at his tone, he sounded suspicious, like he knew what I was doing, "your injuries are exactly the same each time you come in. Do you fall a lot on the stairs?" I couldn't bring myself to look at him as I mumbled a yes. The silence stretched as I continued to stare at the off-white floor. Then there was a rustle of papers along with a small sigh.

"Okay. Well, try and be more careful. I'm going to write you a doctor's note for tomorrow. Stay home and rest. It was nice to meet you, Bella." He stood and held out one hand, which I took before he handed me the note. I couldn't say I was too surprised at how cold he was, it reminded me of Alice.

"Good to meet you, too, Dr. Cullen." I turned then to make my escape while he put my files away.

"Please, call me Carlisle." I felt myself turn back, a smile plastered onto my face.

"Okay. Thank you, Carlisle." I exited quickly, not waiting to see or hear his reaction or response. All I wanted was to be back at home to sleep and ignore the outside world for a while. None of it was making any sense, what with the Cullens and their differences, along with their interest in me. I didn't understand any of it and I was so tired.

I barely made it home as I fought to keep my eyes open. The adrenaline of the past few hours was fading, leaving me exhausted and I collapsed in bed, having left the doctors note and my own note for Charlie on the kitchen table. He could drop it off at school tomorrow.

I slept through most of the next day, getting up only to pop a few painkillers and chug down some water. I didn't feel like eating or taking the time and effort to go downstairs to eat. I woke up for the last time around five in the morning, the day I was to return to school and dragged myself out of bed to shower, so I was somewhat presentable for school that day.

I took another painkiller and bagged a few for my day so I could make it through the day. The sun had been peeking through for the past three days, much to my surprise, but as I pulled into the parking lot, I found my anger climbing when I saw that the Cullens were missing again. My mood was lifted slightly, though, as I realized that James was not in school that day, and I was rather successful at ignoring the stares as I maneuvered through an almost normal day.

The icing on the cake was that my doctor's note got me out of gym, and I sat down to watch the rest of my class play basketball. Gym was always a challenge for me, especially with Victoria in the same class, so I was pleased that I didn't have to join in for the week.

James didn't show up the next day, but neither did the Cullens. I tried to ignore both of their absences. I was still too angry with Alice to want to see or speak with her while James' absence gave my ribs a much needed rest, though it made my own ministrations necessary to curb the nightmares.

I tried not to do too much wondering as to their whereabouts and gave myself over to enjoying the sunshine while it lasted. It was extremely rare to have four days of sunshine in a row. I highly doubted that even Charlie had experienced anything like this, and he had lived here his whole life.

I couldn't be sure what Monday would bring, but I knew that even if Alice returned, I wouldn't be able to forgive her, or myself. I had let my hopes blind me. I wouldn't need to learn that lesson twice. I couldn't be friends with anyone; I certainly couldn't trust any of _them_ and I had let Alice convince me otherwise.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

**Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Review and let me know. :)  
**

**peace & grace  
**


	6. Unwell

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Warning: This story contains scenes of self-inflicted injury in a very detailed manner so consider yourself forewarned.**

**Chapter 6:**** Unwell**

_I'm talkin' to myself in public, dodging glances on the train,  
And I know, I know they've all been talkin' about me,  
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think,  
There must be somethin' wrong with me,  
Out of all the hours thinkin', somehow I've lost my mind._

_But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell,  
I know, right now you can't tell,  
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see,  
A different side of me.  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired,  
I know, right now you don't care,  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me,  
And how I used to be, me._

_Unwell -Matchbox Twenty_

BPOV

I felt myself shaking in the dark, my eyes straining to see the man I knew was about to kneel beside me, once again. It was too dark, though, as a cold hand laid itself on my bare stomach. I gasped at the unexpected feeling, as though he had stuck his hand in a snow drift before coming to haunt me.

"Please! Please stop!" I begged, my voice cracked as I started sobbing. He laughed and slid his hand up my rib cage. I winced as the pain flared where I knew my healing ribs were. The cold trail his hand left burned unpleasantly as I tried to force my eyes to focus on him.

"No need to scream... _princess_" he whispered and I froze as my heart raced at the sound of his voice. I knew that voice, that was not the voice of my nightmares, but the hint of anger I heard in it had me shuddering. He laughed quietly before yanking me up so I was standing before him. I tried to reach out, to defend myself, but it did me no good.

I felt the blow first and then the excruciating pain as his fist burst right through my chest, exactly where my heart would be. It took me a moment to realize the high-pitched, keening sound was coming from my mouth as I struggled against him.

"No use in struggling, _princess._" I wanted to scream at him to stop using that nickname. I wasn't his princess. A sob escaped my mouth as the tears started to fall. I could not tear my eyes from his hand, which was thrust through my chest.

"He's right, you know. No use in struggling. You brought this upon yourself." I couldn't hold back the screams as Alice's voice floated up to me in the darkness. I gasped as he yanked his hand back and my body crumbled at his feet. I heard the sound of footsteps and I cringed away from the sound. The darkness deepened as my lungs fought to keep air going in and out of my body.

"Poor thing. Did she really think we would stick around?" I tried to drag in some air as Emmett spoke and then they were all crouched around me, their faces twisted in the same masks of revulsion I knew all too well. My eyes widened as Edward held up the fist that had punched through me and I could see, clutched in his pale, bloody fingers was my heart.

I watched in horror as he licked a small amount of the blood off his hand, his eyes closing in blatant pleasure. My hand reached up, touching the hole in morbid curiosity as I fought to keep my eyes open. It was a losing battle though, and before I could stop myself, I was falling to the dark floor, their laughter ringing in my ears.

I heard the screams then, ripping through the air in an alarming manner and I searched my room frantically for the source of the noise. A moment later my brain registered that the screaming was coming from me and I shut my mouth with a snap. I could hear Charlie's snores in the other room and I sighed, relieved that he hadn't woke.

It was then that the trembling started; my hands were shaking and it moved up my arms. The shaking worked its way through my whole body as I lay there shivering and making a futile attempt to forget my newest nightmare. I could feel the tears start to fill my eyes and I fought them back. I knew they were right. I had gone against my own rules and let someone in, now I was paying for that mistake. I had been able to keep the nightmares at bay for most of the weekend, using homework and my addiction to my benefit.

Charlie had gone fishing Saturday, leaving me free to do as I pleased for the day. I found myself hold up in the bathroom for hours, captivated by the blooming red lines across my pale skin. My luck had run out there, though, since Charlie decided to stay home the next day to be with me. It had been awkward, long, and tedious to spend so much time with my father, but I couldn't refuse him or sneak away without raising suspicion.

I sighed as the trembling slowly subsided and I rolled out of bed as silently as I could manage. I took my time in the bathroom, flushing the toilet and washing my hands before grabbing a few tissues for my room.

My clock told me I had three hours before Charlie would wake and start his routine for work. He didn't normally check in on me, but if he had any reason to think I was up, he would come in. I cringed at the thought of him witnessing my secret activities firsthand. That would have me on a plane back to Phoenix before I could blink.

It only took a second to lean myself back against my headboard with a pile of Kleenex at my side. I slid my pajama pants down my thighs, revealing the lines the crossed my skin. I winced slightly as the fabric slid and caught over the newer cuts from the night before. My breathing shook slightly as I absorbed what I could from studying my legs. I let my hand open the scissors slowly and lay them against my skin.

I shivered at the contact of cold metal on my warm skin. I had missed these sensations, having gone without them all of Sunday. I pushed down firmly, running the scissors quickly across and gasping softly as I pulled towards the spiraling release. I reached over to the other leg, copying my movements and then carved out a second line on both legs before dropping the scissors onto the Kleenex. I let my head roll back against the wall as the blood started to bubble up. I wanted to laugh, to let the joy bubble out just like the blood, but I knew my laughter had the potential to wake up Charlie, so I stifled it quickly with my hand.

I felt my hand reach slowly for the Kleenex, aware that I couldn't let the blood fall onto the bed, but not truly caring in that moment. My fingers grasped at the tissues, fumbling with them as I let myself hover just outside of my own body. I focused again on the sting and let it soothe my aching soul. I let it engulf the darkness and destroy it while my hand finally connected the tissue to the blood, soaking it up before it could drop on my sheets.

I laid two of the tissues across all four cuts and let my hand fall useless to my side. I let myself come back down slowly, returning to reality with a sigh. My breathing was calm as I hid the bloody tissues in a drawer beside my bed. I tugged my pants back up slowly and leaned my head back once more in relaxation.

I tried to ignore the nervous twist in the pit of my stomach as I relaxed, but it didn't make any sense for me to be nervous, so I opened my eyes and glanced towards the door. It was still closed, just the way I had left it. So why did I feel as though I were being watched? I tried to keep calm as that thought ran through my mind.

And if I were being watched, how much had they seen? My breathing started to change into rasping as I tried to keep from hyperventilating and passing out. I searched my room carefully, staring at the shadows until I was certain there was nothing there at all. I let myself lay down then, shaking from the nerves, and berating myself for feeling so paranoid. No one was here and I could still hear Charlie's snores, so I knew it wasn't him.

My thoughts strayed to Alice and it felt as though someone stabbed me in the chest at the thought of her name. I curled up to protect myself from the unwanted emotions that came. I didn't fall asleep again, my release was clouded by my fears and the churning sensation in my gut. I listened silently as Charlie got up for work and as soon as he left, I got up to shower. I ate quickly, piling all of my books into my bag, and ran out to my truck.

It didn't take me long to get to school, even though I was rushing since my shower had made me a little later than normal. As I pulled into the parking lot, I felt the strange urge to run over the shiny silver Volvo. I passed it and found my own spot. I stalked inside with my headphones in, making sure everyone and everything was blocked out for the time being. I didn't look around as I took what I needed out of my locker and turned to go to class.

There was still no James, but my eyes immediately caught sight of Emmett as he followed me at a distance to my Spanish class and then vanished into his own class. So they were going to play it that way? I wanted to scream in frustration as I muttered to myself about the stupid super heroes I had to deal with. I shut my mouth though when Jessica turned around to glare at me before focusing back on Señora Rodriguez. I realized then how odd it must be to hear me talking to myself.

I knew they thought I was crazy, but now they had proof. I talked to myself. Ug. I'm not crazy, I knew that, but I was so frustrated I hadn't thought about what I was doing. I sighed quietly and pulled out my notebook so I could write/draw out what was going on in my head. At least if I put it all down on paper, I wouldn't start talking to myself again.

Señora Rodriguez did not bother calling on me today and I tried to see that as good thing as Jessica continued to take random moments to glare at me. Her friends were quick to follow suit and within the five minutes they were passing notes, giggling, and staring at me pointedly. I tried my best to ignore them, though it wasn't as easy as it used to be.

_That's what you get for letting your guard down! _My thoughts warned me, sounding smug as I tried to push them away. I knew I had made my rules for a reason, but I didn't need to be reminded of my fucked up mistake. I wouldn't make that mistake again, I had learned my lesson. Hadn't I?

My mood was only deteriorating as the bell rang, signaling the end of one class. I tried not to react as Jessica shoved her way past me, dropping a note on my desk in the process. Her and her friends giggled conspiratorially before vanishing out the door. I frowned at the small folded piece of notebook paper on my desk and then picked it up slowly before exiting the classroom.

I didn't try to read it, but I stuffed it in my pocket to save it for a more private time. It was not safe to read notes out in the open, I had learned that the hard way as well. I could see Emmett, a small smile on his face as Jasper walked beside him. They were chatting away as he followed me to my next class. I hadn't seen James since I had gotten here and I found myself, once again, curious as to his whereabouts.

Before lunch, I ducked into a bathroom, noting Emmett's confused expression as he stopped to lean against a few lockers with Jasper next to him. No doubt he would wait for me to enter the cafeteria before leaving me to fend for myself. I tried to ignore the distorted pictures from my dream that popped up when I looked at the two of them.

I let myself into one of the bathroom stalls, locking it behind me and hanging my book bag up on the metal hook before I pulled out Jessica's note to read it. I already knew it would be harmful. I knew it would be cruel, just as she always was towards me now-a-days. I unfolded the paper quickly and let my eyes scan the few words before taking in the drawing.

If anything, she wasn't a very good artist, but she got her point across.

_We know. Better watch your back._

I wanted to laugh at the way she had worded her note but the drawing kept me from doing so. They had drawn a knife with blood dripping down the blade and off the handle. Under the knife was a poorly drawn arm with scars covering it in grotesque patterns. I sighed quietly and tore the note to shreds before dumping it into the toilet.

I flushed away the evidence with a satisfied smile and exited the bathroom. Before I could even step towards the cafeteria, I was knocked down to the linoleum floor. I looked around, confused as to who had knocked me down. All of a sudden, Emmett was pulling me off the floor, a concerned expression clear in his eyes.

"Hey, are you okay?" he inquired. His brother, Jasper, did not try to come any closer. He merely watched, his head cocked slightly to the side, as though he were listening to our conversation.

"Victoria is such a bitch. I'm sorry, I should have been watching her," he whispered. I was surprised he could get his voice to be that quiet. I nodded and then pulled my arm from his grasp. I hadn't said a word to him and I didn't plan on saying a word to him as I sat down at my usual table. I wasn't surprised that Alice appeared beside me. Her expression was so sad, I had to fight back the urge to console her.

"Bella, please, I can explain... please let me explain. Please, don't do this." I felt my heart break just a little at the sight of her in so much pain, but I would not waiver from my choice. I couldn't afford to have friends, even ones as indestructible as the Cullens. They didn't need to waste their time protecting me, I was not their responsibility. I shook my head slightly and turned away from her slowly, staring at the table.

"You need to leave," I whispered. I heard my voice crack and I cursed myself for having shown my weakness. I wanted to be strong about this. At least I knew, that without them, I would be strong again. I would go back to needing no one. Everything could go back to normal. I could feel her presence as she stared at me, waiting for me to change my mind no doubt, but after a few minutes she was gone.

My whole body went slack then as I rested my head on the table. I fought my tears back, working to keep myself from breaking down here. I had enough stacked up against me as it was. I knew there was a reason I was doing this. They had left me to fend for myself. I had trusted Alice, all the Cullens, really, and I had known it would end this way.

I closed my eyes for a moment only to have Alice's sad eyes looking back at me. I wondered now if they would protect me. I hadn't seen James recently but it seems Victoria was going to try and resume his duties until he returned. I wanted to believe they would just let me go, leave me undefended, but something told me that I was wrong, very, very wrong.

I gathered up my things quickly, just as the bell rang, and made my way to biology. I didn't have to look to know that Edward was walking behind me. It was like I could feel his presence even if I couldn't see him. It was a new sensation and I could feel the goosebumps all down my arms as we finally entered the classroom. He didn't try to speak to me as we sat down, but with a glance, I saw him staring right back at me and I bit back a gasp at what I saw.

His eyes were darker than I had ever seen them, the hate and anger rolling off him was enough to overwhelm me. I immediately let my hair fall between us and silently prayed Mr. Banner would not force us to work together today. I watched with bated breath as Mr. Banner walked in and announced that we would be learning about the bones in the human body.

I exhaled in relief, forcing myself to keep my eyes on Mr. Banner as he spoke, instead of glancing at Edward. I hadn't seen this strong of an emotion in his eyes since the first day we had met. He really didn't like it when I hurt Alice. Of course, I couldn't blame him for his reaction. I deserved it. I just knew that what I was doing made sense. I was protected when I was alone and I wasn't a very good friend to have anyway.

Edward followed me to my next class. His presence constant behind me as I stopped at my locker and then made it to my last class before gym. As I exited the room at the end of class I felt myself searching for Alice but stopped quickly. I saw Emmett again, waiting for me, his eyes knowing as he watched me. He knew who I had been looking for. I felt my cheeks redden as I hung my head and started towards the gym.

Couch Clapp had me participating in gym that day and placed me on a basketball team with Victoria. I didn't try to argue as she tripped me on several occasions and shoved me a few more times. I could feel the dull ache of my protesting ribs but it was a familiar feeling and I welcomed it. I knew I would bruise but I couldn't bring myself to care.

Emmett and Jasper made sure I got to my truck safely and then they were gone, to meet up with Alice, Edward, and Rosalie, no doubt. My heart constricted painfully as I fought to breathe right. It wasn't working and the tears started falling before I could stop them. I swiped at them furiously before shoving my key into the ignition and exiting the parking lot as quickly as I could.

This would be good, this had to be good. They were better off without me and I would be stronger without them. My grip on the steering wheel was growing painful as I fought against the waves of sadness that were swallowing me whole. Charlie was not home when I arrived and I found myself thanking any deity out there for that blessing.

It was only minutes before I was sobbing, the scissors poised over my leg, on the bathroom floor. The tears just kept coming, the sadness like a wrecking ball to my chest. I could feel my hands shaking as I pressed down again to my skin. My whole body shook with the wracking sobs that emitted from my chest.

I watched as my shaky hand drew the blade across my skin once, twice, three times and then turn to the other leg to repeat the action. It took eight stinging lines of blood to shut off the sobs and hold the tears back. My body slumped down in defeat as I gave in to the intense feeling rushing through me.

I wanted to feel relieved that I had finally gained my release, but in that moment, it wasn't enough to watch the blood pool and spill onto the tile below me. I lifted my hand slowly off the cold floor and set it lightly into the lines of blood. I felt my hand slip slightly as I tried to relax it there, in my own blood, but I did not flinch at the pain.

I let it stain my hand slowly before lifting it to my eyes. I watched as it dripped down my arm and off my elbow, back onto my leg. I couldn't say how long I stared at my hand before dropping it down to grab a few tissues and clean up. I stood up slowly, knowing that the pain would be a constant reminder after so many cuts in one sitting.

I stuck my hand under the sink, watching in silence as the blood slid down the drain. I tugged my pants back on after that, letting my thoughts wander over what I would cook for dinner for Charlie. I tried to think back over the day but I felt numb, the day lost to whatever I had just experienced.

I looked up, catching my reflection in the mirror before exiting the bathroom to dispose of the tissues. My expression was one I didn't recognize; dead and numb. I couldn't feel much of anything in my expression though. It didn't bother me, or make me sad.

I decided that tonight was a night for lasagna and pulled out all the ingredients I would need, before making up a list for the grocery store when I realized we were running out of food. It didn't take long for the food to be in the oven and then I went upstairs to work on my homework.

I couldn't quite remember when I decided to do my homework but I did not question the choice. It was a responsible one anyway.

The week passed by in a blur of school and home, without any thought as to why it was going by so quickly. I spent most of my time in a daze, keeping up a routine of scissors, homework, and classes without really paying attention to any of it. I felt like someone had detached me from my body completely, like I wasn't quite all there anymore. It wasn't an overall unpleasant feeling, it was just new.

As long as Charlie didn't notice, I could care less. It seemed the only thing that affected me during the week was Alice's worried gaze when I saw her periodically. Her family continued to protect me, while she kept her distance, but I could still see her grow more and more worried as the days passed.

Somehow, though, I was able to shove that away in my numb state. Going through the motions – that was all I needed to keep away the nightmares.

**Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Review and let me know! :)**

**peace & grace  
**


	7. Happy?

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Warning: This story contains scenes of self-inflicted injury in a very detailed manner so consider yourself forewarned.**

**A big thank you to my betas Maddux and owlpostagain for making this story polished and ready to be posted. :)  
**

**Chapter 7:**** Happy?**

_I feel it in me,  
So overwhelmed,  
Oh, this pressured center rising,  
My life overturned,  
Unfair the despair,  
All these scars keep ripping open._

_Peel me from the skin,  
Tear me from the rind,  
Does it make you happy now?_

_Happy? -Mudvayne_

BPOV

It took a week for Charlie to realize that I wasn't acting myself and I knew that I would have to try harder if I didn't want to go back to Phoenix. He had taken to watching me closer whenever he was home. Not that it mattered, since most of my activities took place when he wasn't home.

Yet I knew the numb couldn't last forever, as hard as I tried to keep myself there. The day it shattered was the day Renee emailed me; her words were worried, as though she knew something wasn't quite right. But it wasn't her words that had cracked whatever spell I had been under, it was the ending to her email.

xXx

_ Okay, sweetie. Just please email me back soon. Phil and I were talking about coming up to see you, or maybe you could come visit us down here in Jacksonville. You'd love Jacksonville, baby. Okay, well, I love you. Call, email, something._

_ Love, Renee_

_ P.S. Phil wanted to leave a message too, just look below. He's so excited to see you._

_ I miss you, Princess. See you soon. :) Love, Phil._

xXx

I miss you, _Princess._ See you soon. :) Love, Phil.

Love, Phil.

_Princess. _I shuddered as I fought back the memories trying to flood my brain. I could hear the sobs ripping from my throat, but they wouldn't quiet or calm. My whole body was shaking as my hands gripped onto the desk in an effort to control my reaction.

"No... no... no... NO!" My voice went from whispering to shouting as I shoved myself away from the desk and stumbled towards my bed. I couldn't... he couldn't... I...

He was coming for me... I caught sight of the clock for a moment, the numbers were blurring slightly as I tried not to hyperventilate and pass out. Charlie would have a heart attack if he found me unconscious on the floor. My brain registered the time, but I couldn't seem to make sense of it. I tried to close my eyes, to focus, but they didn't stay closed for long before the darkness came swirling up.

My body lurched forward as my hand searched for the scissors clumsily.

_Princess._ I could almost hear his sickly-sweet words in my head as my hand finally closed in on the sharp metal. Through all the haze, all the panic, the most unwelcome sound reached my ears. The crunch of gravel was almost ominous as Charlie pulled into the driveway and my breathing still would not slow down. I shook my head, which only served to make me dizzy.

I had to get downstairs, start cooking the ingredients I had taken out earlier. I threw my scissors under the bed and had the sense to shut down my computer before tripping my way downstairs. Somehow I managed to get my breathing back to a semi-normal rate, though everything was still pretty hazy. I squinted as I flipped on the lights in the kitchen, trying to focus on the task at hand.

I heard the door open and Charlie called out to me. I couldn't bring myself to respond. I had to focus on breathing right, I could not pass out, not now. I reached the kitchen counter, with all the ingredients, before Charlie entered the kitchen. I sighed in relief as I leaned against the hard surface. I was still dizzy but at least there was something to hold me up as I continued to beat back the waves of fear trying to suffocate me.

"Hey, Bells. How was your day?" I hummed in response, hoping it was enough as Charlie plopped down in one of the kitchen chairs. Of course, today of all days, he would choose to sit and chat. I tried to keep my hands from shaking as I started cutting up the vegetables in front of me. I couldn't even recall what I had decided to make.

"Are you even listening?" I couldn't turn around at his question but I tried to answer him this time.

"I-I'm s-s-sorry?" I managed to push out before I had to suck in another breath of air. I looked down again at what I was cutting and realized that I had cut it all up and was now cutting nothing. I set the knife down quickly and moved slowly to retrieve a pan from the cabinet below the counter. My sight spun dangerously as I bent down and opened the door.

My breathing spiked again once I finally got the pan onto the counter and started throwing the vegetables in. Charlie sighed in annoyance, seemingly at my inattentiveness.

"I was just asking how Alice was doing," he mumbled. I could feel the hole in my chest flare and ache at the mention of her name. My breathing was coming in gasps as I tried to keep from wrapping my arms around myself to hold my body together. I could hear his weight settle back into the chair. I turned on the burners on the stove, my hand shaking, though I tried to stop it. I placed the pan on the flame quickly and pulled my hand out of Charlie's sight.

"She's good, Dad." I took a shaky breath before I realized he hadn't responded. I clasped my hands together for a moment, in an effort to force them to keep steady, and then moved on to cutting up the chicken.

"Why are your hands shaking, Bells? Are you on drugs or something?" He sounded extremely suspicious but I didn't dare turn around. I was pretty sure my expression would scare the living daylights out of him. I took another deep breath, hoping against hope that my body would calm down enough to make this work.

"No, Dad. Come on, you know me better than that. I was just working out and I think I over did it a bit. I was actually going to shower real quick after I got dinner going." The words came out in a rush and I waited with baited breath as Charlie seemed to mull over my words. He sighed and then stood, his footsteps heavy on the linoleum floor.

"I know. Sorry, Bells. I guess I just see a lot of weird things on the job, even in as small a town as Forks. I'm going to go watch the game, let me know when you're done." As soon as he was dropping into his chair in the other room, I felt my body sag against the counter. The panic was coming back, as soon as Charlie had accepted my lie.

After taking one last look at the vegetables and throwing the chicken in another pan to cook, I somehow managed to drag my shaking body up the stairs and barricade myself in the shower.

As soon as I stepped into the shower my, body began to shiver harder, but once I was under the spray it slowly began to calm down. The warmth of the water pounding into my back seemed to help with the shivering. Under the monotony of the spray my breathing began to even out and I was able to focus on what was going on around me. It took me another five minutes to force the unwanted images back into the vault before hiding the key once more.

I didn't feel entirely normal as I stepped out of the shower but I seemed to have gotten my body under control, even if my emotions were not. I could now put a brave face on for Charlie before I retreated to my room for the night.

Charlie did not ask any more questions concerning drugs and our meal was a quiet one as he read the paper. Though I had my body under control I spent most of the meal tucking small bits of food into my napkin, since my stomach refused to allow me to put it into my mouth. Even the smell was causing me discomfort as I waited for an appropriate time to retreat.

I, once again, had to practically drag myself up the stairs to my room as my body started to shut down on me. My emotions had gotten the best of me and my body's reaction had been violent, causing me to now have no other choice but to fall in bed. I prayed that the nightmares would be kept at bay by the sheer exhaustion and shock I had just experienced.

I turned off my light and shut the door before even touching my bed, knowing that as soon as I did I would be unable to get up again. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was rolling over and drifting into unconsciousness.

My mother's email and the memories it dredged up were not without consequences as I slept, as much as I wish they were. I knew, the minute it changed, that I was not going to escape my past this time. I tried desperately to wake up before I was submerged, but to no avail. I was sinking into the swirling darkness, and into a kitchen that I was only all too familiar with.

_"Where are you going, Mom?" I inquired, curious as to why she would leave the house without her new husband, Phil. The pair of them went everywhere together, not that I minded. He was nice enough, at least, when I did see him._

_ "I have a meeting, sweetie. I told you about it yesterday, it's for church but there is no reason for Phil to go so he is going to stay here with you. You two can finally have some bonding time. I know I hog him too much." Her whole face lit up as she glanced at Phil and he rubbed the back of her hand gently before she turned back to me. I smiled too, trying to look excited that I would get my 'bonding time.'_

_ I didn't think we needed to bond but I wanted my mom to be happy and if this was what would make her happy, then I would oblige. Renee stood up, grabbing her purse before kissing Phil goodbye and kissing me on the cheek. I listened with a sigh as she drove off for her meeting. I loved my mother, but sometimes she got involved in the weirdest things. They were her little obsessions until she grew bored and moved on to a new one. It was cute but I didn't understand it at all._

_ "So, what did you want to do, Princess?" Phil inquired, sitting back down in the chair next to me. He cocked one eyebrow and I laughed at the way it made his face look a little lopsided. He chuckled right along with me before moving into the family room._

_ "How about a board game?" I agreed and joined him where he was setting up the game Sorry! on the small table. We both sat down on the floor before he snatched up the blue pieces with a grin._

_ "Blue's my favorite color," he explained with a wink. I just smiled and grabbed the red ones. Red was my favorite color, not that he needed to know that. We only played one game, mostly in silence, but as we played, I started to feel as though I was being watched. It wasn't long before I realized that it was Phil who was watching me. His eyes followed my every move. It made me uncomfortable, but I kept my mouth shut._

_ As we played he began to touch me, not overly so, just in little ways. Like when I would get a piece in the safe zone or when he won. Somehow it just didn't sit right with me. Not long after, my mom came home. I didn't say a word as Phil kissed her and talked about how much fun we had had playing Sorry!. I wasn't sure what was going on._

_ The next time my mother left me in the house, alone with Phil, was for one of her close friend's bachelorette parties. This would be her third husband but the third time's the charm, I guess. At least, that was what Renee said as she laughed. Once she had ridden off into the night, things changed drastically._

_ "You have such beautiful, pale skin, Princess." His eyes were dark as he spoke, almost unnatural, and I could feel myself shiver under his gaze. It was extremely uncomfortable, him looking at me that way. He reached up and touched my collarbone with a soft sigh._

_ "So fragile," he whispered before motioning me up from my chair. Dumb as I was, at fifteen, I followed him into the family room._

_ "Now, Isabella, my Princess... I think we should have a little chat about your mom," Phil whispered motioning for me to sit on the couch. I studiously ignored the twisting that was starting up in my stomach at the way he was watching me again._

_ "About what?" Phil laughed lightly before leaning down, his face inches from mine._

_ "Well, now, Princess, you want your mom to be happy don't you?" he muttered, his hand reaching up and brushing my collarbone before skimming lower. My whole body jumped at the contact and I knew what he doing was wrong. I tried to slip past him but he held me back._

_ "You do. I know you do. Isabella, if you don't keep quiet about this I will leave your mother. I will break her heart and you can watch while she goes to pieces and know that it is all your fault." The expression in his eyes was cold and calculating as his hand skimmed lower, over my left breast. I looked towards the kitchen, my mind trying to come up with a way to escape._

_ "Isabella... we can do this the easy way or the hard way... I don't want to force you, but I will. Don't underestimate me, Princess." His expression turned taunting as I fought back the tears. His hand slid lower, curling under my t-shirt and slowly pulling it up. I could feel my breathing accelerate, the fear spreading through my body. I tried to force him away from me, to escape. I clawed at him as best I could, but to no avail. I was too weak and he slammed me back into the couch with a terrifying grin._

_ "Have it your way, Princess..." he hissed._

I shot up in bed, my heart pounding, his voice lingering in my ears. I was gasping, my legs tangled up in my sheets from trying to fight off my dream attacker. I hadn't screamed this time, but the memory had been far clearer than I had experienced since moving to Forks. It was like being back in Phoenix all over again. My entire body started shaking as my mind replayed the memories on fast forward.

My eyes flickered to my clock and I groaned as I realized I would not be able to go back to sleep now. My alarm would go off in a half hour, there was no point in sleeping for such a short amount of time. My memories wouldn't allow me to sleep anyway. I lifted myself from the bed slowly, letting the dizziness pass before grabbing my clothes and making my way to the shower.

I could hear Charlie downstairs, though he would be gone before I even finished my shower. I pulled off my clothes in an exhausted daze; today would be difficult to get through. The lack of restful sleep was starting to get to me, plus the stresses of the day before as well as Renee's announcement. I hadn't brought my scissors with me but I had calmed down enough from the memory that I didn't think I needed them.

Once I got my pants off, I lifted myself onto the sink, careful to keep my eyes away from my reflection. I was sure I looked like hell. I let my eyes wander down my legs, inspecting my injuries quickly before taking my nails and digging into one of the cuts. I let my nail scrape away the scab, let it dig into the sensitive flesh, and closed my eyes as my entire body absorbed the feeling of making myself bleed.

This is how it had all started, how I had learned to turn Phil's touches to anger and violence instead. In an effort to escape all the darkness, the hurt, I had gouged my nails into my skin on the softest part of my arm. It had been a new sensation, overriding the memories of how it felt to have his dirty hands on me, turning my emotional anger into physical anger on my own body. It was nothing compared to how I looked now but as soon as Phil saw the gouges, I discovered my way out of the hell I had been experiencing.

He had been so angry with me for trying to ruin my perfect, porcelain skin that he had hit me. He refused to touch me until the marks were gone and that was when I made it a habit.

I worked to keep my breathing regular as I dug my nail into another one of the more recent cuts. After that, I jumped in the shower, wincing slightly at the sting as the water hit the bleeding gouges. Once I was out, I dabbed up the excess blood and pulled on my jeans.

I was out the door for school a half hour later, breathing in the smell of the constant rain as I pulled myself up into my truck. After a week of feeling dead to the world, everything now seemed so much harsher, like I had been underwater the whole time and now it was all new again.

The colors and sounds seemed so brash, distracting me from the small amount of concentration it took for me to drive towards the school. I tried to pull myself back into my little cocoon, but I couldn't seem to make it work the way I had; and with a sigh of frustration, I slouched into school with Emmett following me every step of the way. James was, once again, missing from the school and I wondered momentarily if he had moved or switched schools. It didn't makes sense, unless Mr. Greene had decided to suspend him anyway.

As I walked to my first class, my head down, I felt someone's shoulder knock into me roughly and I gasped. My breathing sped up automatically as I fought down the panic. I was in school, no Phil yet, he wasn't here. He couldn't get to me. It took me a moment to realize that Emmett was standing in front of me, his eyes full of concern. I didn't realize I had stopped dead in the hallway.

"Hey, are you okay?" he inquired, reaching up and placing his hand on my shoulder. I felt my whole body shudder and I yanked myself out from under his grasp before racing off to class mumbling something about being late. As I slouched down into my seat, I felt my breathing slow. I hadn't been this skittish since it had all began. For the first few months I had jumped at everything and anything, causing the few friends I _did_ have to worry incessantly about me, at least until I managed to suppress the reaction.

I was surprised to find my classes were a welcome distraction. Even though my body was exhausted, I knew the mental stimulation would keep my mind off the darker things. As soon as I exited my first class, Emmett was waiting for me outside the door.

"Hey, wait, I just... are you okay? I didn't meant to... uh... frighten you or anything." He walked beside me, though I tried to speed up, he seemed to have no problem keeping up with my pace. This time he kept his hands at his side, being careful not to touch me, no doubt. I sighed, frustrated with the fact that he felt the need to apologize to me. This was my issue, not his. It wasn't his touch I was afraid of.

"I'm fine, Emmett. Really, I was just surprised." His expression seemed a bit surprised too when I said his name. It was the first time I had ever said it to his face, or ever taken the time to have a conversation with him. His surprise didn't last long though, in the next moment he was smiling, like he was happy I had finally spoken to him.

"Okay, well, have fun in class. See you in an hour," he called as he practically skipped away to his class. I wanted to laugh at the stares he was getting as he left, but my mind was still rather shaken from the night before and my amusement didn't last long. I made sure to skirt the classroom as I made my way to my seat, careful not to come in contact with anyone. I didn't need to freak out in front of anyone else today.

I made it to the doors of the cafeteria without any problems, but as soon as I looked inside I knew I would have to skip out on lunch. There were too many people and I was too tired to have to watch out for all of them. Emmett had already moved inside the doors but when he turned around to make sure I followed unscathed, confusion flicker across his features. All of a sudden he was turning right back around and standing beside me, concern etched across his features.

"I'm going to go get us some lunch, okay? You wait here and try to stay out of trouble." He looked amused at what he had said but as he went to pat my head, he stopped himself and the mirth faded. He didn't wait for me to protest, he merely slipped back inside and made his way over to the lunch line. Again the stares he received as he exited the cafeteria with a tray of food must have been uncomfortable for him, but he looked as jovial as he always did.

I wondered momentarily if they were all just so used to the attention that it didn't bother them anymore. I could see Alice watching Emmett thoughtfully and I felt a wave of relief when she looked away instead of making her way towards us.

"Where'd ya like to sit, shortie?" Emmett inquired as he moved towards me, out of the way of those trying to enter the cafeteria. It was still drizzling out, per any average day in Forks, so I wasn't sure where we could sit that would be dry. I let my eyes wander, searching for an appropriate spot.

"What about my truck?" My voice was soft, almost meek, as I caught sight of my rusty vehicle. It would do the trick. Emmett smiled and nodded. I watched, suppressing a smile, as he hovered one large arm over the tray to protect it from rain and balanced the actual tray in one hand. I unlocked the cab quickly and Emmett climbed into the passenger seat, shutting the door with a bang.

"Alright, shortie, take your pick." He wiggled his eyebrows as I continued to try to hold back my laughter to no avail. In place of laughter I began snorting, much to my embarrassment. I thought about telling him to drop the nickname but he just looked so happy that I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I picked up an apple, brushed it off on my shirt and took a bite while Emmett just watched, a large grin on his boyish features.

"Are you just going to stare at me while I eat?" He laughed loudly, hurting my ears slightly in the confines of the cab. I winced slightly and he apologized before averting his eyes.

"So, how are you liking Forks?" It seemed the most generic question but I wasn't sure what else to ask. I didn't want to pry, I didn't know Emmett very well. He turned to look at me again, excitement clear in his eyes. He was happy I was talking to him. I immediately felt guilty for never introducing myself. He was my bodyguard after all.

"They have good hunting here. So I guess it's nice." There was a look in his eyes I couldn't quite place when he mentioned hunting. I suppressed a shiver and stuck my keys in the ignition to turn on the heater. It wasn't exactly warm out now and I was starting to feel the cold.

"I've never been hunting. I'm a klutz though, I would probably end up shooting my foot or something." He laughed again and I smiled in response. It was easy to converse with Emmett, he was very laid back. Plus, we weren't really friends, it was more of the bodyguard and the guarded conversing. It just so happened he was rather easy to talk to.

"Yeah, well, that's okay. Hunting's not for everyone. So, have you lived here your whole life?" he inquired, he still looked jovial as he brought up the one thing I didn't want to think about. Where did I come from... that was easy, I moved here from hell.

"No." I had to work to keep the tremble out of my voice as I blinked back tears. I lowered my eyes so he couldn't see my reaction. I needed to change the subject. I racked my brain for some other topic of conversation before he could ask anything else.

"So, did you really think I would eat all of this or what? I mean, I'm tiny!" I kept my voice light, though I was sure my eyes gave away my anguish. Mom always said I was like an open book, easy to read. Emmett seemed to sense my discomfort because he didn't put up a fight at the change of topic. The rest of the lunch hour passed quickly with Emmett taking any chance he could to tease me about my blush or my expressions.

He took the tray back inside while I locked up my truck. As soon as I started off for Biology, I could see Edward trailing me in my periphery. He didn't try to approach me, maybe Emmett or Alice had warned him not too. Or maybe he was just as disgusted as he was with me the first day I met him. I scowled at that thought. At least he could keep his feelings to himself. I didn't need his stupid looks of anger or pity.

As soon as I walked into the classroom and sat down I realized that he hadn't followed me in. I didn't see him outside the door and I wondered if he had switched classes for some reason before I stopped myself. I didn't care what he did, as long as I didn't have to see his judgments clear in his eyes, I didn't care.

"Okay, class. Today we are going to do blood typing. You're either going to have your partner prick you or you can go ahead and do it yourself. I thought this would be useful since there is a blood drive coming up!" Mr. Banner began to pass out the materials and soon enough half the class was trying to figure out how to prick themselves. If it wasn't obvious, I had no aversion to blood, but I knew I couldn't participate in this.

If I saw my own blood in this way, just a small drop, I knew I wouldn't be able to stop until I had my scissors in hand while I sat on the bathroom floor. I wouldn't even make it to the end of class, so I stopped Mr. Banner at my desk.

"Mr. Banner, I can't do this now. Blood makes me nauseous." Again, I tried my acting on for size and he looked concerned. I was sure my pale complexion would work to my advantage in this situation.

"Are you feeling okay right now?" I let my body sway just a little bit on the chair before slowly gathering my things.

"I don't know. I have to... I can't stay..." my tone was soft, a low whisper. I stood, with a wobble for effect, and exited the classroom. He did not try to stop me. I knew where I would end up before I even got there. My favorite classroom in this entire school was empty most of the time, which was a welcome relief to me as I pushed the door open and stepped inside.

It wasn't until I turned around to face the room that I realized I was not alone. I'm sure he could tell I was surprised because he chuckled and leaned back from the paper he had been focusing on moments earlier. I thought about turning around and walking right back out, but that felt like a defeat. This was _my_ room, he could go to hell for all I cared. With that I moved to the table farthest from him and set my books down before moving to the art supplies to grab a sheet of paper.

As soon as I had a set of paints and a few brushes to go with my paper, I sat back down with my stuff. After a long moment of getting the caps off the paint, I could hear the faint scrapings of a pencil across paper. It seemed Edward had gone back to whatever he had been doing before I walked in.

I didn't want to think about what I was painting, I merely let my hands and my subconscious work the paper in front of me. It was dark, just as all of my art had become since Phil, but I didn't mind. I like the way the colors would seep across the page only to be caught up in the black that intersected it. I could see where the drawing was going as I reached for a darker green paint and yet I made no move to change it.

"So, not a fan of blood either?" Edward's voice interrupted my concentration and my eyes snapped up to meet his. I had forgotten he was there as I had submersed myself in my painting. He smiled at me, he eyes clear of any emotion but contentment, his pencil hanging from his hand, forgotten. Where was the anger from the day before?

"Uh... I don't mind it." My thoughts scoffed at the understatement. Don't mind it? I loved it, especially my own. I held back a shiver of desire that shot through me. Thinking about it wasn't going to keep me in school for the rest of the day. His expression shifted to confusion and, once again, curiosity. I realized, then, that I probably should have told him that blood made me nauseous, just to keep him from guessing anything.

"It doesn't make you nauseous or anything?" he asked as he leaned back into his chair again. He made no move to come closer, for which I was grateful. I was still unsure of him after the two drastically different reoccurring dreams I seemed to have about him. My logical side screamed at me to say yes, to just agree and be normal. But I wasn't normal.

"No." I turned back to my painting and let myself sink back into it, hoping he would let the subject drop. I smiled as I heard his pencil move across the paper again. At least today was getting better as it progressed, instead of worse. I didn't think I could handle any prodding into my personal life at this point. I already had too much to try and forget as it was.

The bell rang and I could hear the students begin to flood the halls but I couldn't bring myself to leave my painting. I hadn't finished yet and for some reason, it seemed imperative that I finish it. I grabbed a new brush and dipped it into the white before stroking the paper again. The entire scene was setting up perfectly as I watched myself work. I could feel my body relaxing again as the noise in the hallways faded.

The gray was next, just a small amount, and then I was placing the stars all across the midnight-blue sky. I let myself sit back to admire what I had done, letting myself register all the details in what I had created. The meadow on the page was bathed in the soft, white glow of the moonlight as the stars flowed brilliantly through the sky. I had been to this meadow in my dreams with Edward and it seems my subconscious had not forgotten his presence. I could see his outline in the trees, my head resting on his shoulder. It seems in this depiction, he had slung me onto his back instead of carrying me in his arms. We were shrouded in shadow but I knew it was us, I knew it because I had drawn it and I remembered that particular meadow clear as day in my mind.

I deliberated briefly on going back to class before deciding it wasn't worth it. Though I did pack up the paints and put them back where they belonged. I would go to gym, my last class of the day. As I deliberated I caught a shift of movement and my head snapped up to see Edward still drawing calmly at his own table. I hadn't realized he was still there. I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly to calm my now racing heart.

"Don't you have class?" I snapped a little too quickly. Why did I care if he had class? His hand stopped moving and his eyes met mine as he glanced up at me through his lashes. I felt my breath halt in my lungs, his eyes were mesmerizing.

"Don't you?" His tone was low, his words came out slowly and I felt my body shiver. My blush crept up slowly and I looked away, draping my hair between us. I decided then that I needed to be in class. I grabbed my book bag quickly and was out the door before I could say something even more dumb in his presence. I waited in the girls' locker room for the rest of the hour before changing into a long-sleeved shirt and sweat pants for class.

After my third wipe-out from Victoria's spiteful hands, I was told to go sit on the bench. It was only once I sat down that I realized what I had forgotten. My painting was still in the art room with Edward. He couldn't possibly know that it was him in the scene but I couldn't be sure. I could feel my face heating up as I realized how embarrassing it would be if he knew it was him.

Emmett walked me to my truck, joking all the way about some poor girl who had tripped in one of his classes earlier. He thought it was funny the way she had reacted. She pretended like she hadn't tripped at all. It wasn't until I was climbing into the cab that I saw a rectangular black plastic bag on my windshield. I got out to retrieve the mystery square. On one side there was dried paint that said _Open Me._

The paint was scrawled across the surface rather elegantly, which only piqued my interest as to what was inside. I started my truck to get the hot air flowing before peeling back the tape and sliding my painting out with a gasp. On the painting was a small post-it note with the same elegant script scrawled across it.

B_eautifully done. I thought you might want to keep it. You are very talented. -Edward_

I lifted my eyes to where Emmett had run off to, only to find myself looking right at Edward. He was standing next to the Volvo with a small smile on his lips as he watched me with my painting. I immediately felt bad for snapping at him earlier but, I smiled back as a thank you and then backed out of my spot to head home.

I didn't bothering checking the blinking message on the answering machine as I breezed by up to my room. The first thing I did was drop my bags in my room and pin my painting up on the cork board on my wall. My head tilted slightly as I stared at my newest creation. It was not as dark as my usual paintings. It reflected the relief I had felt when Edward had taken me from my nightmare with Phil. It was a new kind of art for me, something I hadn't experienced in a long time.

As I sat down on my bed and leaned back against the headboard I felt oddly calm. There was no fear, no anger or numbness; I merely felt calm. I let the realization of this new emotion wash over me and relax me for a few moments before it began to be tainted. I could feel a darker need start to creep in and bore its way into my conscious. I waited with growing trepidation as it began to spread, overshadowing the calm that I had been experiencing until I threw myself from my bed and grabbed my scissors. I was in the bathroom, on the floor, before I even made the conscious choice.

It was like a slow ache, the need to be satiated as I stared at the scars lined up across my thighs. I felt it all coming back, all the pain and the fear. All the memories of his hands as they wandered and I tried to rein them back, to no avail. This wasn't something I could control, this was my past, my memories, and they would never go away. I needed the pain to take it all away, to lock them up each night so the nightmares would lie dormant.

I let the scissors cut their way through sensitive flesh, filling my lungs with air as my body wept blood in an effort to keep the memories locked down. I watched as the scissors made six cuts, as the blood slowly pooled at the surface and dripped over onto the floor. My hands moved to touch the blood and in my mind's eye, I could see Edward, my heart in his hand as he licked the dripping blood. I pulled my hands up, staring at them, wondering momentarily why I was bathing my hands in the coppery-smelling liquid.

I tilted my head slightly only to find my hands starting to blur. This wasn't right, this wasn't the same. Something was spiraling and I couldn't seem to pinpoint what it was. I watched, fascinated, as one of my hands reached for a tissue to wipe up the blood.

Clean up before Charlie gets home. My brain repeated it as though it were a mantra. Something... something... was going horribly wrong.

**Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Review and let me know! :) I love to hear what ya'll think of the story.**

**peace & grace.  
**


	8. New Moon

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Warning: This story contains scenes of self-inflicted injury in a very detailed manner so consider yourself forewarned.**

**A round of applause for my betas Maddux and owlpostagain for being absolutely amazing. Also, thank you to those who have reviewed and all who are reading my little story. It means a lot to me. :)  
**

**Chapter 8:**** New Moon**

_Crawling my way through the wreckage, _

_the new moon is high in the night,_

_whispers of voices surround me,_

_behind me I sense a great light._

_It feels like I'm trapped in a story,_

_of courage to continue to fight,_

_with no one to hold on, to show me,_

_that what I am doing is right._

_Can you help... or just hold me..._

_and can you tell me that reasons that would console me... console me..._

_Can you help me... or just hold me..._

_and can you tell me the reasons that would console me... console me..._

_New Moon – Mark Boutilier_

"Please, at least, consider speaking to her. I mean you're talkin' to me, aren't ya? What's the difference?" I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, fighting back my growing headache at listening Emmett's pleas. I couldn't possibly tell him that I didn't even consider him a friend, I just couldn't bear to see his face if I said that to him. I was stressed out enough as it was. I didn't want to stop talking to him. He kept my mind off all the fear that my memories dredged up.

"Emmett, please..." I opened my eyes slowly to check his expression and sighed in relief. He had returned to his resigned state as he walked beside me.

"Well, can I at least sit with you today?" he pressed, glancing over to me with a cautious expression. Damn straight he should be cautious because he already knew the answer. I just glared at him for a moment before he looked away with a chuckle.

"Okay, Shortie. Have it your way. Just be careful. We don't want anything to happen to you." He reached up and tousled my hair lightly before I swatted him away with a grin. It was hard to stay angry with Emmett. He was just so jovial all the time, like a walking ball of sunshine and energy. I tried to rearrange my features to something closer to indifference but it didn't work very well because he just smiled back at me.

"Thanks for walking me, Emmett. I'll see you after school." I felt the nagging start, the desire to ask the question that had been burning in me since Emmett and I had started talking, but I managed to swallow it down. He smiled at me again and walked into the cafeteria whistling. I followed quickly, standing in line for my food and then plopping down with my stuff at my own private table.

The lunch period passed by quickly, leaving me little time to write in my journal. Edward followed me silently to our Biology class, never saying a word as we sat down and waited for Mr. Banner to start class. I bit back a groan of frustration as Mr. Banner announced we would be doing a lab that day. I would have to work with Edward on putting together a fake human skeleton. I turned towards the skeleton without looking at Edward. I couldn't be sure of what he was feeling towards me, disgust and pity or contentment and curiosity.

His mood swings were so freaking unpredictable. Not that I was any better.

"Where did you learn to paint like that?" he inquired, startling me out of my concentration on the skeleton. My eyes met his as I looked up without thinking and I was pleasantly surprised to see he looked honestly curious. There was no hint of anger or pity.

"I didn't. I've always been able to do that." I picked up one of the ribs and placed it where I thought it should go. Edward tweaked its placement a bit, but otherwise left me to my work.

"You should take formal lessons. If you can paint like that without even trying... imagine what you could do if you were taught." His tone was wistful, as though he wanted to try and persuade me to take lessons. I rolled my eyes with a sigh.

"Where the heck am I going to find art lessons in the small town of Forks, Washington?" I sounded irritated, because I was irritated. Where did he get off telling me what I should and shouldn't do? I could see him stiffen slightly at my side but I refused to let myself look at him again. He was probably back to being angry with me. It only took a few seconds for him to relax again.

"If not here, then, maybe in college?" He didn't sound angry so I glanced at him again. The curiosity continued to burn in his strange eyes as he stared at me and I could feel my blush creeping up my neck. I hated when people watched me. It made me feel... exposed.

"Yeah, maybe," I replied noncommittally. I couldn't even be sure I would go to college. It was hard enough to be the outcast in high school, could I manage being alone in college? He grinned, momentarily rendering me speechless, before turning to work on the lab with me. The silence was comfortable for once as we worked on the lab. I could tell that we would be the first ones done.

"What were you drawing in there?" I kept my voice low, asking the question before I could talk myself out of it. Edward continued working, concentrating hard on the skeleton in front of him. We were almost finished and the period wasn't even half-way over. He glanced up at me for a moment and then focused in on his work again.

"Would you like to see it?" his tone was quiet; so quiet, I almost missed what he had asked. He looked at me again and I nodded, unable to find my voice. I tried to pull myself together, to get a grip on whatever was happening to me, but it wasn't working very well. He let go of the bones in his hand and turned to his bag to pull out his drawing.

It was hidden in a small envelope, which was made especially for holding artwork, to keep it from smudging as he carried it. He laid it flat on the table, a small smile lighting his features, and pulled open the flap. As he glanced over at me, I was sure he looked nervous but it was gone before I could confirm my hunch. I smiled, hoping that would get him to pull out the drawing a bit quicker.

As he pulled out the large sheet, I could see the start of dark hair and then a pale forehead followed by feminine eyebrows. I felt my hands clutch onto the table as I suddenly found that I was staring at my own reflection – in the drawing. He pulled it the rest of the way out with a flourish, laying it gently on top of the envelope. He kept his eyes hidden as he moved to continue working on the skeleton. I knew my expression was rude as I stared, dumbstruck.

"You were the only interesting thing in the room. The only thing that could hold my attention," he offered a short explanation as I stared, but he still would not look at me as he kept working. I tried to think of something witty to say, something to relieve the tension.

"Edward, this is... where did _you_ learn how to do _this_?" I wanted to smack myself for coming up with that genius response. Edward laughed quietly and turned to look at me.

"I didn't. I've always been able to do that." His eyes danced as he repeated my exact words from earlier. I tried not to laugh at his antics but a small chuckle escaped my lips.

"You should take formal lessons. If you can draw like that without even trying... imagine what you could do if you were taught." I tried to copy the way his voice had sounded when he had said it earlier but it came out distorted. He laughed at my behavior, a smile spreading across his face. I tried to rein myself in a bit, to slow down on the friendliness but it was difficult.

"_Isabella_, I told you to let your partner work _with_ you," Mr. Banner sounded frustrated as he stopped at our table, surveying the completed skeleton. Edward was sliding the drawing back into the envelope before Mr. Banner could see it.

"Um, Mr. Banner, he did help. We worked together on this one." Mr. Banner eyed me suspiciously before turning to Edward with a doubtful eye.

"I was in advance placement at my old school, Mr. Banner. She's telling the truth, I really did help with the lab," Edward sounded calm and confident as Mr. Banner finally looked away, no doubt intimidated by Edward's unwavering gaze.

"I guess it's a good thing you two are working together, then." He sighed as he walked over to the next table. I covered my mouth with my hand for a moment until the mirth had passed. Edward watched me silently, confusion written all over his features. I didn't even try to explain my actions as I turned to my journal. He didn't bother me for the rest of the period as he pulled out another sheet of paper and began to draw. He didn't get very far before the bell rang and we were out of our seats and headed towards my next class.

He walked next to me this time, though we did not speak again. The rest of the day went by in a blur. I was too lost in my own head to even register Victoria's constant attacks in gym. Though it was getting a little ridiculous. I was surprised she hadn't gotten in trouble yet. Not that I cared. I wasn't too worried about Victoria, now that James had vanished. I wondered idly what had happened to him and then promptly pushed that thought out of my head. I had bigger problems headed my way. I shivered slightly as I dressed in the locker room again after gym.

Emmett was waiting for me with a grin, but he didn't say a word as he walked me to my truck. The nagging began again and I tried to shove it back. Just as we reached my truck, I whirled around to face him. He looked surprised at my sudden turn and he stopped with a confused expression.

"Where were you guys those four days? When it was nice out? Why did you leave?" As soon as the words were out I turned back around, my face heating up in embarrassment. I didn't want him to know how much trust I had given them and how dangerously close I was to doing it again. I didn't hear him move, but in the next instant, he was standing in front of me with an easy smile on his boyish face.

"Our parents took us camping because it was nice out," his expression changed, growing more serious, "but we won't do it again. We won't leave you here alone. We learn from our mistakes and they don't happen again, Bella," his voice was low, quiet, but extremely serious as I stared at him, wide eyed. I pushed back the tendril of hope that was rearing up within me. He had caught me off guard with his seriousness and I had to wonder if maybe he knew something about what happened to James. Emmett was never serious, at least, he wasn't around me.

"_Whoa. _Serious Emmett comes out to play," I commented, forcing my voice to be light and joking. He grinned, all traces of seriousness gone.

"Okay, Shortie. Time for you to go home. Be safe." He reached out towards me, like he was going to push me in the direction of my truck but seemed to think better of it. I tried to smile in a reassuring way, but it felt like it came out as more of a grimace. I didn't know how to tell him that I was not so antsy now, without explaining why I had jumped at his touch in the first place. He seemed to be okay with small things, like mussing up my hair, but I knew my fearful reaction in the hallway that day had made him really cautious. I could feel the guilt start to creep in as I considered how hard it must be for him to be around me so much.

I was so broken. Everything about me was fucked up in some way. How could he stand to be around me? I opened my truck door but before I could get in, my eyes caught sight of something on my windshield. I reached up and pulled back another garbage bag with paint scrawled across it. I hadn't painted anything today. I hopped up into my truck quickly, shutting the door and turning on the heat to get rid of the chill.

Across the garbage bag it read: _For you._ Simple enough. I sighed softly as I pulled off the black plastic as carefully as I could. I grabbed the small square card that fell out before it could hit the wet floor. The larger paper was a drawing of me, the same one I had seen in Biology. I looked up, searching for him, my eyes scanning the parking lot until I found him watching me right back.

I lowered my eyes quickly to read the card.

_ You're free to do with it as you please. I want you to have it. Plus, it would be rather... ill-mannered of me to keep it. -Edward._

I looked for him again, but he had vanished, along with most of the cars in the parking lot. Emmett's jeep remained as he waited for me to leave, along with a few other beat up cars. I hadn't realized I had been taking so long. I immediately switched my truck into reverse, pulling out of my spot, and then Emmett was behind me, following me out of the parking lot. I chanced a final glance in my rear view mirror at my protector and gasped in surprise. Edward was in the car with him.

I could see the hint of a smile on his features as he sat next to Emmett. Emmett seemed not to notice at all, focusing on driving maybe. Which I immediately returned to doing as I turned away from the school. I was home rather quickly, though I was in no hurry as I tried to work through the tangles of my thought process. I couldn't understand what was happening to me.

These people had me completely confused and, yet, I didn't much want to imagine my school days without Emmett's buoyant humor and Edward's constant mood swings. They were steady, they were something I was starting to count on, even when my logical side was screaming at me to keep them at arm's length or farther, if I could. I covered Edward's art in the plastic to protect it from the rain before going inside and quickly hanging it up beside my painting.

It was a new experience, looking at myself the way someone else saw me. I could see the sadness etched into my features, the haunted look of one so lost. I could never see those things when merely staring at myself in the mirror. I wondered if he could actually see those things or if they only came out in his drawings, like how my art appeared on paper. Most times, I didn't like to think about what I was doing. It would just occur as my subconscious saw fit.

I logged onto my computer to check my email. I knew Renee would call me or Charlie in extreme 'worry mode' if I didn't respond to whatever emails she sent. I hadn't even gotten around to responding to her email about them visiting. I wasn't sure I could handle even looking at the email again, let alone respond to it, but I knew it was necessary.

xXx

_Mom,_

_Hey, I miss you too. I don't think a visit is a good idea though. I have been extremely busy with school and clubs. Maybe later, though. How is your new hobby going? Quilt making I think?_

_I love you._

_Bella._

xXx

I was seventy-five percent sure that excuse would work for my mom. She was rather scattered as it was and she probably didn't have much time to visit. They both had to work. I tried to come up with more reasons as to why she would not be able to visit, but I knew it was a pointless thing to do. I was just going to to have to wait for her response. I took a deep breath and shoved myself away from the computer. I didn't want to dwell on it any more than necessary.

After spending some time on homework, I decided to start dinner to keep myself distracted from what was slowly demanding attention within me. I pulled out the ingredients and began to put everything together when I heard the cruiser pull into the driveway. Charlie walked in the door with a loud greeting.

"Hey, dad, just finishing up making dinner. Are you hungry?" I called back. I could hear him hang up his gun and then step into the kitchen. I turned to look at him, a smile plastered to my features. He smiled back and sat down.

"Starved, Bells. Go ahead and pile it on there." I filled up two plates and sat down across from Charlie. He didn't pick up his newspaper, instead choosing to sit quietly and eat.

"You know..." My head snapped up as Charlie began speaking. He had one hand scratching his head, looking awkward around as only Charlie could. I tried to look nonchalant.

"Your mother called the other day, left a message on the voice mail about coming to visit you. The two of them have vacation time coming up soon for about a week and they thought they could spend it here. Has she brought this up to you?" I nodded, keeping my eyes on my plate. Of course she would have called Charlie. My heart constricted as my pulse quickened in fear.

"Well I told them they were welcome to come, though I wasn't sure if you would have much time to spend with them, what with school work and all." I nodded again, not trusting myself to speak without the tears spilling over. I tried to control my reaction as I picked up my plate and took it to the sink. My appetite had vanished and I was sure I was going to be sick. I swallowed and took a deep breath before trying to speak.

"I have a lot of work for school, so I'm going to go work on it..." my voice came out as a whisper but Charlie grumbled out his agreement as he moved towards the television. I worked to keep my breathing even as I shut my door, leaning back against it, my body was giving up. I could feel the memories being dredged up once more as my breathing turned into hyperventilating. My bed was starting to blur in my vision as my room darkened. I was going to pass out if I didn't calm down somehow.

I dropped to the floor, moving slowly towards the scissors and rolled up my sleeves. My fingers pulled clumsily as I fought with the scissors to open them. I propped myself back against the bed, trying to get my breathing to slow, but to no avail. I turned my head, leaning it back against the bed, when I caught sight of the painting I had made the day before beside Edward's drawing of me. My hand froze over my arm as I stared at the images.

My breathing began to slow as I studied the contrasting pictures. Why had he drawn a picture of me? I can't possibly have been the most interesting thing in the room. I tilted my head forward, staring at the scissors in my hand for a moment, debating. Could I do it? Could I get through a night knowing that Phil was going to end up here, with me, in Forks? I winced as his leering features popped into my head. I took another shuddering breath and, before I could change my mind, shoved the scissors back under the bed.

I changed into my night clothes quickly and after brushing my teeth and washing my face, slipped into bed. It was early, only eight o'clock, but if I stayed awake I would not be able to stay away from the temptation under my bed. It felt as though I had laid there for hours until the darkness finally took me, pulling me into sleep.

The warm wind blowing over me wasn't normal for Forks but I wasn't too worried about it. What I was worried about was the distinct feel of grass beneath me, where I lay. Where was I? I sat up quickly, immediately regretting the choice as my head spun from the rush of blood away from my head. I managed to keep myself upright though, until I was no longer dizzy.

I stood from my spot in the grass, taking in my surroundings in surprise. I was back in the meadow, the meadow from my dream. In the center of the meadow, there was an easel and I could see two legs peeking from the bottom. Someone was out here with me, painting, maybe. I started towards whoever was behind the easel, only to freeze as they spoke.

"No. Don't move. I'm trying to draw you." I knew that voice. I would know that voice anywhere. _Edward._ I ignored his words and moved to stand beside him. He gave me a disapproving look before turning back to his art. I looked at what he was drawing and gasped. There on the stark, white paper was me, but I was in short sleeves and shorts, my scars very visible. The new and the old scars painting a design across my skin. I looked down in horror only to find that I was indeed in shorts and a t-shirt.

I crossed my arms, trying to hide the scars as best as I could. I tried to come up with a way to hide the fresh scars on my legs, but could think of nothing in the immediate area that would cover me. Edward turned to me with a frown.

"Why are you covering yourself up? I can't draw you if you are all covered up." I stared at him, incredulous, for a moment before his frown vanished. He looked genuinely worried about me as I continued to gape. He stood up, taking a step towards me and I automatically stepped back. His brow furrowed in confusion as he regarded me.

"I thought... I don't... I don't mean to frighten you." His words were gentle, tender, as though he were speaking to a caged animal. He didn't want to frighten me? How could he even stand to look at me with all of my scars?

"Why are you drawing me? Why did you draw me?" I managed the words after a few moments of tense silence. His shoulders slumped in defeat as he met my gaze. He didn't even seem to notice the scars riddling my body. Like he had already gotten used to their presence.

"How could I not draw you? You are beautiful," he whispered, reaching towards me. I flinched as his fingers brushed my cheekbone, but I did not step away this time. He smiled and stepped towards me. I held my ground, though I wanted to run and cover up. Before I could protest he was winding his arms around me, his chin resting on my head. It felt surprisingly good to surrender to him in that moment, with all my flaws in place.

"What he did to you wasn't right, Bella, and I will never allow him to touch you again. He won't get within one-hundred miles of you, I wont let him." His tone was so final, so full of hate for the man I feared. I stiffened in his arms, though he did not let go. I tried to pull away and he let me, caution in his eyes. I took a step back, trying to control my reaction to what he said.

"You... he... how..." I tried to voice my confusion and fear, but it wasn't coming out right. He reached out to me again but did not touch me, letting me make the choice.

"Shhh... I know what he did to you, Bella. I will protect you from him. Forever." I could hear the truth in his voice, I could see it in his eyes. But when had I told him? I don't remember telling him. This was so different from the first dream of him in the meadow, his silence then had been so confusing. Now his words were just as confusing.

I walked around him, careful to keep a distance, until I reached his drawing of me. He stood next to me but did not touch me, for which I was grateful. I didn't know how I would react if he touched me. I studied the art, my posture, my expression. The expression I had was different - somehow, happier? I looked confident, comfortable in my flawed skin. I didn't feel that way now, though. The only people that had seen me so uncovered were Phil and my shrink. I shuddered and turned away from the easel.

"You don't know... You can't know..." I whispered, my voice rasping as I fought back tears. Suddenly, Edward was on his knees before me, his hands palms up as he gazed at me. I froze.

"Please trust me... I wont ever let him near you again." His words were low, causing a shiver to run down my spine. It was an unfamiliar feeling. I shut my eyes, in an attempt to clear my thoughts.

"You left me. You all left me. I was vulnerable, I let my guard down. I started to _hope_... YOU LEFT ME!" My voice grew louder until I was screaming at him. He didn't even flinch. I was panting as I tried to catch my breath and keep the tears from falling. I shut my eyes again, hugging my arms around myself as I tried to shut out all the emotions that were coursing through me. He could see _me – _all of me and I couldn't think straight as I tried to cover up the physical evidence of my turmoil.

"Please, Bella, please... I'll do anything..." His voice cracked at the end of his pleas and I opened my eyes. There was so much pain swirling in his eyes. I could feel the guilt start to creep up. Why did I have to cause everyone so much pain? My mother, Charlie, Jessica, Alice, and now Edward. My knees gave out as I dropped to the grass, curling up into a ball in the dirt.

I couldn't stem the sobs or the tears as they fell. My body was completely out of my control as Edward moved to curl his body around mine, pulling me into him as I sobbed. He held me until the sobbing subsided, speaking to me quietly of happier times.

"Bells... wake up... Bella, honey." I twisted out of Edward's hold, rolling onto my back in confusion. The meadow was fading away as Edward watched me, the pain still clear in his golden eyes. He reached out one hand to me, but I couldn't reach him as the darkness overtook me once more and then I opened my eyes to a familiar room.

Charlie was sitting on the edge of my bed, trying to wake me as the tears continued to stream down my cheeks. I wiped them away quickly, avoiding Charlie's gaze as he scratched his head.

"You were screaming and then crying. I tried to wake you up. I... are you okay?" He was clearly uncomfortable and out of his element as he sat by me. I tried to smile, but it didn't work, so I merely settled for words.

"Yeah, Ch-Dad. I'm fine. Thank you for waking me up," I whispered, my voice was raspy from screaming and crying. Charlie smiled and then stood up to go back to bed. I looked over at the clock and sighed. No, he wouldn't be going back to bed, he would be going to work. There was no point in laying here any longer, but I didn't sit up just yet.

"Okay, well, have a good day at school, Bells." He beat a hasty retreat out the door and into the kitchen before leaving for work. I tried to force myself out of bed, but I was so tired. I finally managed to drag myself out of bed when my alarm went off. I showered quickly, ate a quick breakfast, and then made my way to hell in the form of school.

I groaned in frustration as I stepped out of the truck. There, at the door to my first class, stood Alice Cullen, and she looked like she was on a mission.

**Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Review and let me know! I hope ya'll are enjoying this story as much as I am.**

**peace & grace  
**


	9. Hold On

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Warning: This story contains scenes of self-inflicted injury in a very detailed manner so consider yourself forewarned.**

**Chapter 9:**** Hold On**

_I've been a heavy handful to hold,  
Like rain slipping through your fingers,  
You've been tall to handle it all,  
Most people have already walked away._

_Our storm has taken a toll on you,  
Can you still weather me._

_Hold On – Sister Hazel_

I knew I could turn right back around, climb into my truck, and spend the day alone in my room, but that wouldn't change the fact that she would probably still be there tomorrow. So, then, the plan was to avoid her. I tried to look nonchalant as I moved to walk around her, but she was having none of it. Of course, it was never that easy with my ex-pixie-friend. She stepped in my way, starting an awkward dance of my trying to get around her as she tried to get me to look at her.

Finally, with an exasperated sigh, she grabbed my arm and dragged me away from the door. A few students shot us glares as they walked past since we had been blocking their path. I kept my eyes focused anywhere but on the girl in front of me. I tried to pull away from her, but it was futile. Frankly, she was a lot stronger than I would ever be, though, I was sure it had to with whatever superpowers she had going for her.

"Please, Bella, just hear me out." Not that she was going to let me do anything else. I rolled my eyes and immediately wished I could take it back. It just seemed so childish. I finally met her intense gaze and relaxed. I didn't want to be childish about this, even if I was still extremely angry with her. Trust wasn't an easily given thing for me and she had earned it quicker than anyone else with her own secrets. How was I supposed to trust her again?

"Please, spend the day with me Saturday." She wasn't asking as she stared at me, her eyes never blinking. I could feel the frustration bubbling up. Did she just expect me to be okay with that?

"Okay... um... would you like to spend the day with me on Saturday? Please...?" My expression changed to something closer to incredulous. Of course she would know my objections. I hadn't even said anything out loud. _Never bet against Alice._ I shoved that thought away as quickly as it had come. _Not helpful._ I reminded myself as Alice awaited my answer. She just looked so disappointed with herself. It was a kind of disappointment that I understood all too well. I sighed in defeat as a grin replaced her previous expression.

"I promise you wont regret this, Bella!" She was practically bouncing as she finally let go of my arm. I shook my head and turned to go to class. I was definitely late this point, but once again, Señora Rodriguez said nothing. It seemed I had been through enough in the past few weeks that she was leaving me in my solitude for the time being. I made it through the first half of my day without anything particularly exciting happening. Emmett struck up a few conversations between classes, noting only once that I had spoken to Alice. I could tell he was surprised that I had given in so easily, but he dropped it when I wouldn't respond to his questions.

Edward didn't bring up the subject at all, probably having been warned by Emmett not to. I was grateful for his silence on the matter, but the overwhelming emotion around him was exposure – after the dream from the night before. I wasn't sure how to feel about him after dealing with my subconscious.

I was already upset with my decision, but I knew there was no way Alice would allow me to back out now. She knew how hard it was for me to stay angry with her, how difficult it was to shut any of them out knowing that they had secrets, just like I did.

"You know, if you keep frowning, it'll get stuck like that." My head snapped up as I stared at my lab partner. Did he really just say that? I snorted and he smiled before looking up toward the front of the class, making sure Mr. Banner wasn't paying attention.

"I'm serious. You'll be stuck with that face forever, and believe me, that's not a pleasant thought." I watched him for a moment, wondering if I should bother with a reply to his statement. I was a little shocked that he was trying to explain away his use of a phrase that is normally used on children. I tried not to compare his current mood to the way he had acted in the meadow. I wasn't sure what to make of that dream just yet. I decided not to say anything and instead I laughed quietly, watching Mr. Banner to see if he noticed our little conversation. Edward chuckled beside me, apparently he thought it was funny as well.

"Glad you can entertain yourself so easily," I whispered before covering my mouth in another fit of quiet giggles. He nudged me gently with his shoulder, still chuckling.

"Hey now, don't you make fun of me! I'm not the only one who is entertained here– you're laughing too!" His words didn't help with the giggling. I couldn't be sure if it was all him, though, because combined with the stress of speaking to Alice for the first time in weeks, I was sure I was a little on edge today. I felt the sudden urge to explain this to Edward so he wouldn't start to think I was crazy for giggling away like a little girl, but I never got the chance.

"Mr. Cullen, Miss Swan, did you have something you'd like to share with the class?" I tried to look at him seriously, but I had to slap my hand over my mouth as I tried to rein in my emotions. This was not going to turn out well. I turned to Edward, my eyes portraying my panic, since I couldn't respond. He had stopped chuckling, but I could see the humor lingering in his expression at my predicament.

"No, Mr. Banner, nothing." He continued to watch me as I tried to stifle my reaction, but after a moment he sighed and turned back to the board. My laughter faded before long, and I could feel the blush creep up my face at my antics. I tried to force myself to keep my eyes on the board, but it didn't work. I looked over at Edward to find him watching me. He looked like he wanted to laugh at me, and my blush only intensified.

"You alright there, giggles?" I quirked an eyebrow at his nickname for me and he chuckled.

"Yeah, Eddie, I'm fine." I grinned as he frowned at me. Apparently he didn't like that particular version of his name. I had something to hit him back with.

"Glad to hear it, _giggles_." I huffed and turned back to the board, pretending for the last ten minutes of class that I was paying attention to Mr. Banner. My heart was racing, my head trying to catch up with whatever had just happened. Were we really just joking – acting silly around each other? It felt odd yet comforting to be able to laugh in his presence – to be young again. It felt... unexpected. I tried to gather up my things quickly when class ended, hoping that maybe he would forget about his little nickname, though I highly doubted he would.

"Are you ready yet, giggles?" He raised an eyebrow at me as I glared right back at him before I changed my expression to one of an overbearingly sweet countenance, and batted my eyelashes a few times and pulled out the sweetest tone I could manage.

"Yeah, _Eddie_, I'm ready now." I turned away from him with a grin and started towards the door. He was quick to catch up to me, his frown having vanished rather quickly. We walked in comfortable silence to my next class and then he was gone. I wouldn't be able to speak to him again until the next day. I tried to ignore the overall disappointment that bloomed up at that thought.

Emmett met me after class, a grin on his boyish face. I narrowed my eyes at him, immediately wary as to why he looked so excited. He didn't say anything for a moment, but when I refused to ask him what had him so excited he sighed and turned to me while we walked.

"You know, he hates that nickname." I looked at him, confused as to what he was talking about, until he clued me in.

"Eddie. Of course, he did come up with a pretty brilliant nickname for you, _giggles,_" Emmett stated with a laugh. It was loud enough to cause a few of the students around him to scuttle away in surprise. I chuckled at their behavior. I was used to his outbursts now, it was just a part of who Emmett was. I couldn't even be mad at him for using that stupid nickname. It was brilliant if you knew what had happened in Biology, otherwise it didn't fit me at all. I wasn't exactly the bubbly, giggly girl most people expected high school girls to be.

"How do you know about that? Did Edward tell you?" He seemed torn for a moment as we approached the gym, but before he made up his mind, we had arrived and he was backing away to his next class.

"Have fun in class!" he replied without explaining how he knew. I was sure Edward had told him. He would get an earful tomorrow about gossiping, even if it wasn't really gossiping in this case. I was kept away from Victoria for the period, which was a nice change, though she continuously sent me death glares, and tripped me on the way to the girls' locker room at the end of class. At least she hadn't knocked me down, though not for lack of trying.

"Not. Until. Then." I heard a few smacking sounds as I exited the gym, along with Alice's stern voice, and stopped in surprise as I watched her hitting Emmett with her purse. He didn't seem to be in any pain, but his expression was thoroughly admonished, as though he'd just received a good talking to for something he'd done wrong. I wondered what she was lecturing him about when she froze, glanced at me, smiled, and then walked towards the parking lot. Emmett turned to me with a smile and wave.

"How was gym?" I smiled back at him, glad he seemed to have forgotten my new nickname for the time being.

"Well, for someone as clumsy as me, it was torturous." Emmett laughed as I clambered into my truck. He closed the door with a smile before heading back to the Volvo. The drive home was pleasant and calm – a change from what the past few weeks had dumped on me. I could feel the stress of the day with Alice looming, but I adamantly ignored it. I didn't want to ruin the strange calm that seemed to have manifested itself within me for the drive home. I was surprised to find the cruiser parked in the driveway when I arrived. Charlie hadn't said anything about being home today, and he had left the same time he always did in the morning.

"Dad...?" I sounded a little frightened as I tip-toed into the house. When had I become so fearful of the smallest changes? He could be here for any reason. Maybe he felt sick, or only stayed for half a day because he felt like being at home. It could have been anything, and here I was afraid. I squared my shoulders and stepped into the kitchen. It was empty, but I could hear the television in the other room, some kind of sports game on.

"Dad?" I didn't sound so frightened as I entered into the next room.

"Yeah, Bells, I'm in here!" I smiled as I stepped into the room and saw Charlie sitting comfortably in his armchair, watching some baseball game. I could feel the relief flood through me that he was alright, and I wanted to laugh at the absurd notion that anything could be wrong with Charlie, but the laughter stuck. My fears were not unfounded, not when I was all too aware of what could go wrong.

"How was your day?" I tried not to look startled as Charlie snapped me out of my deteriorating thought process, but I could tell my efforts were wasted. The worry in his expression was evident and I immediately felt guilty. I hated bringing Charlie into all of this. He didn't need to know just how broken I was. I didn't want to hurt him any more than I already had. I had already hurt so many – too many.

"It was good. I'm going to go work on homework. I was just wondering why you were home? Not that I mind... I just... is everything okay?" I knew the panic in my voice was obvious but I couldn't suppress it. Charlie leaned forward slightly, the worry increasing at my tone. He looked like he wanted to get up and hug me, but seemed to think better of it as he leaned back again.

"Yeah, Bells, everything is fine. I came home early today because the guys think I do too much and they refused to let me stay. They want me home early tomorrow as well. They told me to go fishing." He chuckled as he recalled why he was home. I slowly backed away towards the kitchen and the stairs – satisfied that Charlie was perfectly alright.

"Okay, well, good. I'm going to get some homework done." I bolted before Charlie could respond though I could tell he was a little confused at the exchange. As soon as the door closed, I threw my bag on the bed and turned towards the art on my wall. I took a step closer to them, studying the pictures once more as I tried to keep myself calm for Charlie's sake. I could feel the exhaustion weighing down on me as I studied my reflection in Edward's drawing. I could feel the frustration and sadness expand and spread throughout my body.

I didn't ask to be so broken. I wanted to be whole for all the people who loved and cared for me – like Charlie. Yet what choice did I have? If he came back... if he found me again or took me back with them... then my scars would be my only protection. I tried to focus on the pictures again and realized that I had crumpled to the floor from the shear weight of the darkness that threatened. I thought briefly about standing up and forcing myself to be normal and do my homework, but the thought vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

I curled up on my bedroom floor and waited for the darkness to take me. Unfortunately, it never did. There was no peaceful sleep and there were no nightmares. I merely lay, drifting in my consciousness, not truly listening, but hearing the small settlings of the house around me. My subconscious refused to drag me under and my conscious refused to allow any movement. I was so tired, of all of it. I didn't want to meet with Alice, I didn't want to see Renee, and I certainly did not want to hurt anyone else.

When I finally looked at my clock, my conscious kicked into gear, forcing me up and into the kitchen to start dinner for Charlie. I would pretend to eat, pretend to be hungry, though it was a rare occasion that I actually was hungry. My body felt robotic as I moved, stiff from my frozen position on the floor for so long. I could hear a new game playing in the other room and prayed that Charlie would choose to go fishing tomorrow. I didn't want him around my brokenness any more than he already had to be.

Dinner was a silent affair, as was normal, and I was back in my room the moment I could excuse myself. I didn't try to look at the art again, or study my own features in Edward's drawing. I didn't want to think about any of it, so I finally dragged out my homework and forced myself to focus only on that until it was time to sleep. I could hear the television on downstairs, more sports per usual, and quickly slipped into the bathroom with a towel and my scissors.

Homework kept my mind free of all my wandering thoughts, but I could feel it all creeping back up as my mind was left to its own devices. I didn't want to think about Phil or Alice. I didn't even want to think about my growing confusion concerning Edward and my dreams. All I wanted was to stop thinking, to shut my brain off, just for a little while so I could breathe, smile, and interact like every other normal teenager at Forks High School. Yet reality didn't work that way. I couldn't just shut it all down and I knew it wouldn't all go away.

I turned, catching my reflection in the mirror for a moment, and stopped to get a closer look. I could see the differences, the dark circles, the sallow skin stretched taut across my fragile cheekbones. I tried to tear my eyes away from the person I saw wasting away in front of me, but the twisted side of me wouldn't allow it. I needed to know what this was doing to me. I needed to see my brokenness and to understand it for what it was.

A new emotion spread through me as I stared at the weak person in the mirror. Anger was pulsing red-hot through my veins. I wanted to scream, to slam my hands into the mirror in front of me and watch it break into a million pieces – I wanted pain. I dropped my towel and hoisted myself up onto the counter, finally breaking my gaze away from my reflection. I slid my pants down and let them drop to the floor. I brushed my fingers slowly along the scars, old and new, smiling at the ones that still stung slightly.

My skin was rough, raised and agitated from all the hurt I had aimed toward it. The scars were testimony to the pain I had so desperately tried to stave off. I grabbed my scissors, opening them quickly. For once, finally feeling all my anger, I wanted more than the protection. I wanted to feel more than security. I wanted to feel the pain and not just the release. I pressed the cold metal to my skin and slowly pushed down.

I waited for the pain to register, for the blade to cut through my flesh, but nothing happened until I began to slide the scissors across my leg. I watched as the blood started to bead at the surface, and the sting registered before I was tumbled head first into the flood of relief and security. There was no real pain, only the sting of a small blade against my skin. I moved a few inches further and slid again. The sting was there, but there was nothing more.

The anger and the desire for pain raged further within me while the blood continued to bead up on my skin. Folding my leg towards me I stared at the inside of my thigh. My pale, "perfect" skin was like a beacon to me. Here, I was untouched by the blade. Here, there would be pain. I pressed the scissors against the soft skin and let them slip across before my thoughts caught up with me.

A smiled spread across my face as the pain came, first by sweeping away all the emotions that were rocketing through me. They slowed down to a more manageable level while small beads of blood appeared on the surface just as they always did. I pulled off the rest of my clothes and stepped into the shower so the warm water could wash the blood down the drain.

I watched as the stark red swirled slowly down the drain before washing and changing into my pajamas. Sleep came quickly and pushed me steadily closer to the moment I would have to finally listen to Alice.

I made it through most of my classes on Friday without any incidents. It was a quiet day, with little to no interaction with anyone except Emmett and Edward. Edward dropped my nickname, so I stopped calling him Eddie. Though I was a little disappointed that the teasing moments were gone, I was glad that the nickname had been tossed. It hadn't truly fit me at all.

It was at the end of the day that the plans to spend time with Alice finally solidified.

"Bella! Wait up!" I briefly considered trying to make it to my truck and driving off, but I knew it wouldn't help anything. Alice could find me at my house if she didn't get the chance to talk to me here. Emmett slowed down and I followed his lead. At least having Emmett around would help keep me calm. I turned around to find Alice practically skipping up to us with a wide grin on her face. She looked so excited to see me. I tried not to step back when she bounced to a stop in front of me.

"Hey Emmett!" She didn't even look at her brother as she greeted him. I could hear Emmett chuckle beside me, amused, no doubt, by Alice's enthusiasm.

"So, tomorrow, may I pick you up? I was thinking I could bring you to my house. Emmett will be there." She watched me hopefully as I turned to glance at Emmett. He winked at me, confirming that he would indeed be there for me. I could feel the relief flood through me. At least I wouldn't have to be alone as I battled through my trust issues. My thoughts touched briefly on Edward and I wondered if he would be there as well.

"I'll be there, too." I gasped and whirled around to find myself face to face with Edward. He smiled, a small chuckle escaping, as I glared at him for scaring me. I could tell he wanted to laugh, but he didn't dare. The silence stretched and my glare vanished as we merely watched each other. This time I tried to match up the Edward in my dream to the one standing right in front of me. I almost wished he were able to know me, the real me, and accept it all. A throat cleared behind me and I flushed before turning back around to face Alice.

I knew that wasn't possible. He couldn't possibly know all of me and accept me the way I was. _I_ couldn't even accept me, so what made me think he could? Alice cocked an eyebrow at me, and I forced myself back to the present. She was waiting for my answer. I glanced at Emmett one last time before turning back to Alice.

"Okay." I still couldn't bring myself to accept that I was going to spend the day with her. Though I had just agreed to it. She did a little dance in front of me, her eyes light and happy. I took a small step back but was stopped by a very solid something behind me. I turned around again to see Edward there. I hadn't realized he was standing so close. A small smile appeared as I blushed bright red. He stepped out of my way then, leaving me free to go to my truck. A moment later I was hoisting myself up into my old red truck and backing out to head home.

My thoughts were all over the place inside my head. They were flitting wildly from my dreams, to spending time with Alice, to the looming issue of my mother's visit. The cruiser was absent as I parked next to the curb, and though I loved Charlie, I was secretly relieved that he had not made an early appearance today. A dropped clumsily out of the cab of the truck and dragged my backpack out before heading up to the front door.

I already had my key out and the lock halfway open when the bright yellow paper caught my eye. There was a small square Post-It note on the door. I quickly unlocked the door, grabbed the note, and shut the door behind me before stepping into the kitchen to read what was written. The handwriting was sloppy, at best, with small dried up rain droplets splashed across the surface. I sat down as I read.

_Sleep with one eye open, bitch. You can't hide forever._

A small chuckled escaped my lips as I set the note down. I froze, surprised at the sound of humor towards a threatening note. Another chuckle found its way out, followed by a few giggles, which morphed into full-blown laughter. I tried to control it, but it was no use. By the time it subsided, there were tears streaming down my face, and I was thoroughly surprised that I hadn't fallen off my chair.

I, Bella Swan, believed this particular threat note to be funny, hilarious. actually, because what could be out there that was worse than my mother's husband?

**Thoughts? Questions? Feelings? Review and let me know! I love to hear from you guys!**

**peace & grace  
**


	10. My World

**Disclaimer:** **I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Warning: This story contains scenes of self-inflicted injury in a very detailed manner so consider yourself forewarned.**

**A big thank you to my betas Maddux and Owlpostagain. You guys are amazing!  
**

**Chapter 10:** **My World**

_I'm not comin' back,  
I'm not gonna react,  
I'm not doin' shit for you.  
I'm not sittin' around while you are tearin' it down around us.  
I'm not livin' a lie while you swim in denial,  
'Cause you're already dead and gone,  
You leave me out on the curb just like everyone else before you._

_Welcome to my world,  
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.  
Another lesson burned,  
And I'm drowning in the ashes,  
Kicking,  
Screaming,  
Welcome to my world._

_My World – Sick Puppies_

Charlie was out fishing by the time I woke up to get ready for my day with Alice. His excitement over not having to force me out of the house did not help with my mood. The only thing truly motivating me to get out of bed was the fact that I would not have to spend the day alone with Alice.

My own trust issues were messing with my thoughts as I got ready, tainting them with paranoia and fear. I didn't trust them to stick around, and that only made me work harder to keep them at arms length. Even as Emmett and Edward wormed their way into my life, I continued to try and push them out. Then there was Alice, scheduled to arrive at my house in the next half hour, who knew more about my issues than anyone else, without me having to say a word.

We had exchanged secrets without really meaning to and it had forced me to let my guard down. I had let her in, more so than anyone else I knew, and yet by normal standards she knew nothing concrete about who I really was. So, then, why was it so hard for me to even hang out with her or see her?

I jumped slightly at the knock that resounded through the kitchen, startling me out of my thoughts. I looked at the clock in surprise. I had meant to eat a bit quicker, and I was now left with half a bowl of cereal that I had forgotten about while I'd been worrying about the day ahead. I quickly dumped the rest into the sink and rinsed out the bowl before slowly heading to the door.

"Hey." I froze as my eyes snapped up to the person in front of me. This person was definitely not Alice. I let out the breath I had been holding, my whole body sagging slightly as I tried to control my reaction. I hadn't realized how worked up I had gotten myself with all my thinking until Edward had showed up at my door. I needed to be calm or this wouldn't work.

"Hey. Where's Alice?" I motioned for him to step inside for a moment so I could grab my jacket. I led him towards the kitchen and waited for him to sit before moving towards the stairs.

"I told her I would come get you and she agreed." I froze and turned back around to stare at him. He had asked to come get me? Was that a good thing? I shook my head, trying to clear it of those questions. It didn't matter what it meant. I could barely be friends with this family without having to deal with my trust issues. It wasn't possible for me to start wondering about anything else. I didn't want anyone but Alice to know how messed up I was, and she'd only seen the tip of the iceberg.

I made it up the stairs without tripping as I tried to balance all the chaos in my head. It wasn't as though I had told Alice about my scars. She had seen them by accident, but was I truly okay with her knowing? I almost sat down in my bed, but as soon as I went to sit down I hopped back up. I had left Edward downstairs! I raced down the stairs so I didn't keep him waiting.

I could see him sitting completely still in the kitchen. He looked so out of place it was almost funny. If he hadn't been sitting there it would have been impossible to picture him there. The entire family was just so beautiful. On the second to last step, I felt my foot catch, and I began to fall forward, the floor moving at an alarming rate right towards my face.

All of a sudden, a pair of hands were catching me, and pulling me up from the rapidly approaching floor. I gasped as I stared at Edward, who was now gently placing me upright on my feet. He smiled, but I could see the concern in his eyes.

"Are you okay?" he inquired as I tried to process what just happened. How did he get over here so fast? I almost laughed as that question passed through my thoughts. I knew the answer to that. He was just like Alice. They were different from everyone else. They had secrets, just as I did. I began to smile as I looked up at him.

"I'm just fine. Thank you for catching me. I can be a bit clumsy at times." He nodded and then stepped back, as though just realizing how close we had been standing. I flushed and moved to step around him. I was out the door and heading towards his car when I realized that he was already opening my door for me. He beat me to the door and I hadn't even seen him move past me. I froze at the edge of the driveway, my thoughts moving frantically, trying to work out what I was seeing logically.

The last time I had seen someone move so quickly, I had been too frightened of the situation to really think about it. How did I feel about it now?

"Bella?" his smooth velvet voice cut into my thoughts. I sighed and forced my feet to move towards the car. Confused – I was confused. That was how I was feeling about Edward's sudden show of their secret. I slid into the seat and before I could blink Edward was sitting next to me, backing the car out of the drive way. Did this mean I would have to share a secret of my own with Edward since he was sharing his? The panic began to creep in as I looked anywhere but at Edward. Before it could spiral too out of control, a wave of calm seemed to flow into me, calming me almost immediately. I glanced over at Edward only to find him watching me, concern etched across his features. I looked back at the road in surprise only to find that we were parked in front of a very large house. I gasped, my eyes widening in shock. Their house was huge and surrounded by a beautiful array of flowers.

I let my eyes wander, drinking in the warmth of the house and taking in the secluded surroundings. They lived in the middle of a meadow, at least, that was how it seemed. I smiled as Edward opened my door for me, extending a hand to help me out of the car. I had completely forgotten that we would be going into the house. The anxiety began to creep back up, but it was eclipsed by another wave of calm. Why was I so calm all of a sudden?

I reached up, laying my hand in his, keeping my expression as neutral as possible, feeling little sparks of electricity flow between us. He closed my door, squeezing my hand in silent support. I smiled as I glanced at him. He was watching me too, and I flushed.

"She's here, she's here, she's here!" a booming voice proclaimed before Emmett came bounding out of the house towards us. I took a small step back as I considered getting back into the car, but I didn't want to let go of Edward and to get to the car, I would have to let him go.

I watched as Emmett came to an abrupt stop in front of me. He hadn't bothered moving at my speed either, and I was slightly awed at how gracefully he moved, considering how big he was. He looked like he wanted to hug me, but, fortunately, he stepped back. I could only handle so much in one day. I flushed again when Emmett noticed my hand in Edward's, and I silently prayed that he wouldn't say anything.

He grinned, his eyebrows wiggling, and I knew I would not be that lucky today. I cast my eyes down as he opened his mouth to speak, before I heard a loud _umph,_ and when I looked up, Emmett was sprawled out on his back. I looked back towards Edward and chuckled. He had the most smug expression on his face. He looked over at me with a smile as I laughed.

"Come on, Em. Quit lazing around," he called as he began to tug me to the front door. I covered my mouth with my free hand as I tried to stem my giggles. It wasn't until we reached the door and Emmett had caught up to us that I was able to stop laughing.

"That wasn't very nice, Eddie boy," Emmett grumbled as he opened the door and stepped inside. Edward grimaced at the nickname, and I squeezed his hand gently, earning a grin shot in my direction. As soon as we entered the house, my thoughts centered in on Alice, who I could see was sitting on the white couches in front of us. My grip tightened on Edward.

"Breathe," he whispered, his soft voice comforting as we made our way to the couches. Edward sat down beside me while Emmett curled up in a chair next to Alice. I pulled off my shoes quickly, forcing myself to let go of Edward. The loss of contact was almost as shocking as touching him. It was like I had pulled out a piece of me and left it with him. I tried to keep my feelings under control as I curled my feet underneath me.

"I have some explaining to do, Bella. May I?" I lifted my gaze from my folded legs, finally looking over at Alice. The open honesty in her eyes gave me pause and I nodded. I found my curiosity peaking, looking forward to what she wanted to say. I already knew why they had been gone those days. I didn't fault them, and Emmett had said that it would never happen again, but I had still pushed her away. I had pushed her away because I had trusted her, no one else in her family knew about my issues. I wanted to trust her, I really did, but the only person I trust in my life now is Charlie, and even that is tentative.

I didn't know how to trust people because they always ended up hurting me. I felt a small nudge to the side of me and lifted my head again. I tried to focus on what Alice had asked me and what the proper response would be.

"Um... okay." That was eloquent. I sighed and forced myself to focus once more. Alice opened her mouth to speak when I recalled what I had just been thinking about.

"Wait, Alice," she paused, staring at me, "I just wanted you to know that I know why you weren't there that day and that I don't fault you for that. You can't be there all the time. I knew that. I didn't... I couldn't..." I tried to gather my wandering thoughts to finish what I had been saying, but Alice began to speak.

"Emmett told me that you asked and that you knew why we were gone, but, Bella, I owe you more than that. I know this may seem a little forward or presumptuous, but I want you to know that I understand why you reacted the way you did. I know you are aware that we have our own secrets – secrets that we share as a family – but I have my personal demons as well. It took me a long time to learn how to live the way I do." I was listening to what she was saying, but it wasn't making any sense. She understood... but what did she understand and what happened to her? I tried to make sense of it, but it was futile.

"I'm... confused," I stated. It was the best word I could come up with for the over all mass of emotion swirling within me. Emmett chuckled and I glared at him.

"Alice, you may want to explain what you're talking about," Edward stated with a sigh. I smiled at him in appreciation.

"I was getting there." She shifted slightly, watching me once again.

"See, I never knew my family. When I woke up, I was alone with no memory of who I was. All I knew was that my name was Alice. Everything else was dark, blank. I survived on my own for a few years, but even when I awoke, I knew I would end up here with this family, in this family. For me, that knowledge was my rock. It got me through all of the darkness and hurt that I dealt with until I could find them. Yet, even though I knew I would be with them, and though I had found Jasper before we came to them, it took me a long time to learn to trust them. I was wary of anything I didn't know. I didn't trust them to stick around, to want me in their family. I fully expected them to tell us to leave and never come back. I couldn't even trust my own visions." I watched as her expression darkened and slid into sadness. My heart tugged for her. I didn't want her to hurt, but I knew what it was like to feel like there was no one in the entire world there for you.

Before I could think it through, I was stumbling towards her and hugging her. I smiled through the threatening tears as she hugged me back.

"I just forgot for a moment, Bella, and I am so sorry because I know what it's like to feel like you haven't got a soul in the world that cares what happens to you. So I want you to know that I care about you and that I will always care about you. I want you to be able to trust me, whether that means talking to me or just spending time with me. Friends?" I fought back my tears as she whispered in my ear. Before there could be any confusion, I nodded a yes to her question.

My logical side screamed in protest, shouting for me to protect myself and back away now, but I didn't want to. I wanted to know Alice because she understood my issue with trust in her own unique way. I pulled away after a moment, uncomfortable with the physical contact. I wasn't used to being touched in a good way and it was all becoming a bit overwhelming. I backed up, sitting on my couch with Edward and putting some space between Alice and myself.

"Alice, may I ask you something?" She smiled and nodded. I thought back for a moment, picking out something that had struck me as odd when she had said it. I knew how it worked – _never bet against Alice_. But why did I come up with that?

"What did you mean by 'trusting your own visions?'" Edward stiffened beside me while Emmett merely grinned. Alice never even flinched. She looked as though she were trying to figure out how to word her answer.

"You know that we are different, right?" I nodded. That much was obvious. I knew they were different and I was glad they were no longer trying to hide it from me. I wondered how much of that was Alice's doing.

"Well, ever since I woke up alone, I have had these visions. In these visions I see what is to come or what may happen. These visions are dependent upon the choices people make but to put it simply – I can see the future, sort of. That's how I knew that I would end up with this family and it's also how I found Jasper. Yet, even then, it took me a long time to trust those visions because they could change so quickly." Her expression was wary as she watched me think over what she had just explained. I couldn't say I was surprised since they were so very different from anyone else I had ever met. It was only fitting that they have some kind of special gift to go with their secrets.

"Um... one more? You don't have to answer or anything... I'm just curious..." Alice chuckled, but nodded. She seemed much lighter now that I had agreed to try being friends again.

"Does the rest of your family have visions as well?" This time both Edward and Emmett chuckled along with Alice.

"No, not all of us have gifts and no one else has visions like I do." I was surprised to hear that their gifts differed. I wondered how different they could possibly be. I turned to Edward. His expression was wary as I thought about my next question.

"Do you have a gift?" He glanced towards Alice and then back at me before relaxing again.

"Yes." I smiled, glad he had decided to answer my question.

"What is your gift?" I sat back slightly so I that all three of them were in my sight.

"Well... I can read minds." I froze, my thoughts jumbling up into a tangled mess as I tried not to think about anything I didn't want him to know about. What if I already had thought of something that he shouldn't know? What if he knew about my past?

"I can read every mind I come across... except yours." My head snapped up and I stared at him in shock. My thoughts slowed down as my body gave a sigh of relief. There were too many things he didn't need to know about me. I sagged back into the couch once more as I tried to let my logical side catch up with everything I was learning.

"A-am I the only one you can't hear?" He nodded, a look of frustration coming over his features. I let this fact trickle through me slowly before another question popped up.

"Is there something wrong with me?" All three of the Cullens chuckled at that.

"I tell you I can read minds and you think there is something wrong with _you_?" I flushed as what I had asked filtered through to me. Of course I would ask questions without letting it go through a filter first. I sighed, embarrassed as they chuckled at my expense. Alice hopped up suddenly, startling me. My breathing spiked for a moment before I took a deep breath and turned to Emmett.

"I have my strength. That's my gift." I smiled as he promptly answered my unspoken question. Alice vanished for a moment, disappearing out of the room in the blink of an eye, and returning with a glass of water. She smiled at me as she handed the glass to me. I tried to rein in the surprise over her action, but it was poorly disguised. My surprise didn't seem to bother her though. Her smile never faltered.

"Thank you." Alice just nodded and skipped back to her place on the couch. Emmett began to ramble on about some game he wanted to watch before Alice told him to shut up because she had no interest in watching sports. The verbal fighting match that ensued was rather comical.

"What's wrong with watchin' sports? It's just as fun as playin' them!" Alice folded her arms across her chest, her expression annoyed that Emmett wouldn't just let it go.

"That's not true. I'd rather play them than sit around and watch. Watching is so boring." I turned to glance at Edward and chuckled. His expression was rather annoyed as well, but I was pretty sure his annoyance was towards the conversation taking place at all. I wondered what he could hear in their heads. What were they thinking about?

"Hey, Edward? What are they thinking about while they argue?" He looked rather shocked that I had even asked but he didn't seem unwilling to answer.

"Well, Alice is cataloging all of the clothes she needs to buy and all the clothes she needs to donate this week, while Emmett is thinking pretty much exactly what he's saying."

"She can do all that while arguing with Emmett?" Edward chuckled and nodded.

"Yes. Our brains work a bit differently than the average human. We have more space to work with so we can multitask much easier." I watched as Emmett continued to try and prove he was right while Alice just tried to ignore him.

"If you're not human, what are you?" I froze when Edward stiffened beside me and Emmett stopped talking. All three were now staring at me. I could feel my face grow hot in embarrassment. I hadn't meant to pry. The silence cracked as the front door opened and Dr. Cullen walked in the door. I tried to bury myself further into the couch, hoping that he wouldn't see me or recognize me.

"Alice, Edward, Emmett," he greeted each in turn before he looked at me.

"Bella. It's so nice to see you again. How are you feeling?" Both Alice and Emmett looked confused as they stared at me. I tried to think of the generic response, but my thoughts were all jumbled up in panic at having to see Dr. Cullen again.

"I-I- um... I'm... it's good – better." I mentally smacked myself at the confusing statement I came up with. It wasn't like he was going to say anything about my scars. It was against the law. He wouldn't tell his family, right? My eyes darted around the room, looking for anything to distract me from my anxiety. I breathed a sigh of relief as a slow calm began to drift over me. I don't know how I was able to calm down and I didn't care. It was much better to be calm than anxious and afraid.

"Good. I'm glad to hear it. Well, I'll be in my study. Have fun." I nodded as Dr. Cullen vanished up the stairs and breathed a sigh of relief as soon as he was gone.

"Bella, what do you think about going shopping again?" I was grateful when Alice changed the subject and I began to relax further.

"I highly doubt I will ever allow that to happen again. I hate shopping, Alice, you know that." She grimaced, her expression disappointed. It reminded me of a parent's reaction to their child being put in detention or getting a bad grade.

"There is nothing wrong with not liking to shop. Alice does all of my clothes shopping for me. Actually she does the clothes shopping for everyone. She is the one who keeps us all in style and in the 'right' clothes," Edward explained while Alice just pouted. I laughed at her expression. A comfortable silence stretched out then and Emmett vanished after a few minutes. As we sat together I let myself study the room I had been too nervous to notice before. It was very white and very clean. The only pop of dark was a grand piano and the table set in the middle of all the couches. I gazed out into the backyard for a moment, watching as the clouds began to darken further as the sun sunk below the tree line.

"Oh, shoot! Alice, what time is it?" I jumped up and began to pull my shoes on before she even responded.

"Five after five o'clock," she responded with a smile. I hadn't even started dinner yet. Edward watched me warily as I scuttled around trying to get my shoes on while moving towards the door. I tried to avoid my shoelaces but it didn't work and before I knew it I was falling towards the floor again only to have Edward steady me on my feet.

"Thanks," I huffed out as Alice appeared at the door and gave me a hug. I flinched but managed to relax after a moment.

"Calm down, Bella. Your dad won't be home for another hour and a half. You will have plenty of time to make dinner." I sighed, ready to ignore her words before I recalled what she had told me today.

"Did you see that?" I inquired, my curiosity peaked. She nodded and grinned before pushing Edward and I out the door.

"Have a safe trip home! I'll see you soon." I waved as I practically ran to the Volvo. Edward had my door open before I even got there.

"I wish I could move as quickly as you guys can." He chuckled as he started the car and wound his way out of the long driveway. I forced myself to pay attention as he drove this time, since I had missed the entire drive to their house because of the chaos in my head. We got to my house faster than I thought physically possible and I had to pry my fingers off the seat to get out of the car, but I was glad it had gone so quickly because I had a dinner to make.

Before I could open the door, it was being opened for me and the same familiar hand was being held out to help me out. I smiled as I came in contact with his cold hand and happily welcomed the electrical warmth that shot up my arm at his touch. He didn't hold on to me this time though, letting go as soon as I was out of the car. The flood of disappointment was not easily hidden.

"Thank you for driving me," I mumbled, already half way to the house. I tried to keep my eyes on my shoes, forcing myself to think of Charlie and what he would need when he came home.

"You're welcome. Would you like some help cooking?" My whole body jerked forward when his voice appeared from right behind me and Edward steadied me before I could fall on my face. He let go just as quickly as the last time, but I smiled at the contact, none the less.

"I... um... sure." Why couldn't I ever say anything coherent around him? About half way up the steps a small slip of bright yellow paper caught my eye. I briefly considered running up to the door and snatching it off before Edward could see it, but I knew he would beat me there if he wanted to. I grabbed it as quickly as I could, but it didn't seem to make a lick of difference. As soon as I grabbed it, it was gone. I unlocked the door and turned back to Edward and watched him read what it said.

"Has this happened before?" He sounded extremely angry, his tone carefully controlled, no doubt in an effort to keep from scaring me. I placed a comforting hand on his arm, leading him into the house and closing the door behind him.

"Yesterday was the first time. I didn't think much of it," I admitted though I had no idea how to explain to him why it didn't really bother me.

"Didn't think much of it? Bella, this is _harassment_. You can press charges for this kind of thing." The anger hadn't faded one bit. I sighed and plopped down in one of the kitchen chairs. Edward followed suit, placing the note on the table between us. I picked it up, eager to see what threat was given to me this time.

_They can't protect you forever. I'll get to you eventually. I'm a patient person._

I held back my laughter for Edward's sake. I knew the anger would only be worse if I laughed at the note. I set it back down and got up from the table to gather what I would need for dinner.

"That doesn't bother you at all?" His tone was incredulous towards my indifference. He wouldn't possibly understand though. I had already been through so much and if I were a betting girl, I would bet one hundred percent that my harasser was James or Victoria. What did I have to fear from them? A severe beating? Been there, done that. I hurt myself more so than they could ever hurt me.

Would they try and kill me?Did they hate me that much for just existing? So what if they did? The only reason I would fight to remain alive was because Charlie needed me. Otherwise, there was just no point. I lived my life in fear, but something like a threat note just did not cause any kind of fear for me.

"Edward, will you cut up the carrots, please?" I was sure he would try to protest, to get me to admit that I was afraid, but after a long stretch of silence he was standing at the counter, knife in hand, chopping up the carrots. I smiled as I stirred the noodles into the boiling water. It was nice to have some help and some company as I cooked. As soon as the cruiser pulled into the driveway, Edward vanished into the night. One moment he was sitting at the kitchen table, the next I was alone.

"Bells?" Charlie's voice rang out as the door banged open and he stomped in. I flinched slightly at the noise, surprised at how loud everything was after dealing with the Cullens all day. They were so quiet in their movements, whereas Charlie was loud and heavy with his.

"In here, Dad," I called, serving up the spaghetti, sauce, and carrots. I set the dishes down on the table and waited for Charlie to join me. He didn't bring his newspaper this time, so I waited for whatever it was he wanted to get off his chest. It wasn't until halfway through our dinner that Charlie finally opened his mouth to speak.

"Bells, I know you told Renee that you won't really have time to be with them if they visit, but I think she is still planning on spending some time here. They both have a bit of time off soon and they miss you. Even if you don't have a lot of time, maybe you could make some time for your mother. You haven't seen her in over a year. She told me that they would probably come up here in about a month. They won't stay for too long, only a few days." He wasn't looking at me while he spoke, his gaze was trained on his food as he spoke of my mother and her husband. I set down my fork full of spaghetti, the food I had already eaten was threatening to come right back up as I sat and stared at Charlie.

Charlie told her it was okay to come here, even though I told her no. I knew that, logically, it made sense that she would want to see her only daughter, but to me it would only cause more problems. I couldn't see him again. I couldn't even be in the same state as him without being in a state of constant panic, and now I didn't have a choice. I picked up my plate slowly, being careful not to drop it as I made my way to the sink.

"Okay... well... I'll be upstairs," my voice was dead, the words monotone as I slipped upstairs. The best way to deal with my mother's husband was to be numb. The best defense I had was my scissors and the overall feeling of numb. I sat down on my bed and pulled my knees to my chest, hugging them to me in an effort to keep myself together. It didn't work for very long.

After a few minutes of trying to get things straight in my thoughts; I stood, grabbed a towel, along with my scissors, and made my way to the bathroom. This would be the quickest way to let it go. This would push it all away. I locked the bathroom door and dropped my towel before turning on the shower. As soon as the water was on, I pulled off my jeans and sat on the floor against the tub.

I couldn't even take the time to fully explore the past damage I had done before I was dragging the blade across my leg. I only made one cut before moving to the inside of my leg.

My previous cut there was slowly healing, the scab was a thin line where the blade had slid across before. I smiled at that small cut and set my scissors against my skin right next to it. The sharp sting as I slid the blade across was like home to me. I did it again, moving the blade only slightly farther down my leg. I made three more cuts before dropping my scissors and slipping into the shower to wash away the beading blood.

As soon as I was dressed again, I slid into bed and let the darkness of my room hide me from my fears. I let the day replay through my mind, smiling as I came across Alice's explanation and subsequent request for my friendship. Everything had been going so well. I had spent most the day without my thoughts turning to my past. If Charlie had waited until tomorrow to tell me of Renee's decision to come here, would I have needed my scissors tonight?

Would the fear have come back once Edward left? Or would I have been able to fall asleep and wake up without the intense need for the blood and the pain?

I couldn't come up with a concrete answer but I was ninety-nine percent sure I would have needed it either way. That fear of seeing him again outweighed any good that may have occurred during the day. I could not possibly survive without my scars or my scissors. Not when he haunted my every step – my every thought.

**Thoughts? Questions? Comments? Review and let me know. :) Love to hear from ya'll!**

**peace & grace**

**Oh and if anyone was wondering, we have caught up to and are now ahead of the version posted on Twilighted.**


	11. Tears Don't Fall

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Thank you to Maddux and Owlpostagain for doing such a fantastic job at editing my work! :)  
**

**Chapter 11:**** Tears Don't Fall**

_There's always something different going wrong,  
The path I walk's in the wrong direction,  
There's always someone fucking hanging on,  
Can anybody help me make things better?_

_Your tears don't fall,  
They crash around me,  
Her conscience calls the guilty to come home,  
Your tears don't fall,  
They crash around me,  
Her conscience calls the guilty to come home._

_Tears Don't Fall – Bullet For My Valentine_

There is no escaping. There is no way out. Why scream when you know there is no one to hear your cries? It was all laid out before me, the path I was now walking. What did it matter anymore? He owned me, controlled my every move, possibly my every thought. I tried to fight, to take back my freedom, but he was stronger. He took my fight and broke it into tiny little fragments of what I used to be.

I was his princess, his slave. I knew it even better than he did. I watched, defeat my only thought, as the clink of the metal slid into place. What was the point? I was weak, broken, and yet, now there were restraints to further hold me back. I tugged gently on the metal around my wrists and then relaxed my hands. I was so tired, my body didn't want to fight anymore. There was no point.

"You're so quiet, Princess. Are we tired today?" I briefly considered nodding in confirmation just to get him to stop talking, but my body was just so tired. I could feel him moving around on the bed, pulling off my shoes and socks first, so he could admire the pristine, white skin there.

"All that running must have been hard on your feet. You should know better than to run from me, Princess. I will always find you again, no matter how far you run," he laughed, the awful noise bouncing around the dark room he had forced me into. I shuddered at his words, a small flame of desperation flaring to life as I contemplated the underlying threat to his words. This couldn't last forever... could it?

I heard a soft whimper in the darkness. It was so soft, I almost missed it, but I froze immediately and waited to hear it again. As I strained to hear the sound again, I could feel my blue jeans sliding down my legs and onto the floor. All movement stopped for a moment, the darkness going completely silent, before the screaming began.

"_What the fuck is this_?" My whole body jerked as his hand grabbed at my leg and yanked me closer to the bottom of the bed. I cried out as the metal handcuffs bit into my wrists. I could feel his stubby nails digging into the already irritated flesh of my thigh.

"_You little bitch_! We talked about this. I told you... I-I-I warned you! _Fuck_!" I could feel the desperation grow a bit brighter and stronger. This was what I had been waiting for. I bit my lip in an effort not to make a sound as his fist connected with my stomach. The handcuffs bit into my wrists as he yanked at me again. I held back a smile as the pain of my body being beaten registered in my brain. I'd have rather been in pain the rest of my life than deal with his inspections and touches.

My head jerked to the side when a loud shout filled the room. It was coming from the same inky black area as the whimpers had. Who else was here?

"Please... oh, please..." the words faded until they were too low to make out as I lay as still as possible through the beating. I listened intently, trying to hear through his grunts as he hit me.

"... wake... you don't... I care... oh, Bella..." the words sighed through the room, fading in and out. All of a sudden, a hand was grabbing my chin and I was staring straight into his livid expression.

"It will only get worse if you try this again, Princess. You're ruining your beautifully pale skin with these markings. _I_ won't _stand_ for it." My head snapped to the side as his hand connected with my cheek. For the first time since the beating began, I recoiled away from my assailant. I flung myself up from the bed, desperation winning out over the handcuffs' horrible bite. Before the handcuffs had a chance to yank me back, I was gasping and facing the darkness of my empty room.

I shivered, my whole body shaking as I tried to shove away the nightmare. It was nothing new. I had been there too many times before. My eyes swept the room, searching for anything out of the ordinary, but it all looked untouched until my gaze landed upon the window. I shivered again, this time from the cold wind blowing into my room. My window was wide open, the curtains billowing around it as the wind rushed in and chilled the space around me. I shivered again, tugging my covers closer for a moment before throwing them off and clambering down the bed so I could close the window.

I automatically scanned the area outside my window, searching for anything out of the ordinary. I certainly hadn't opened my window before I had fallen asleep. I closed the window slowly, making sure to keep the noise to a minimum so I wouldn't wake up Charlie. I winced when it squeaked a bit on the way down. As soon as it was closed, I climbed back into bed so I could shiver my way to warmth underneath the covers. I briefly considered grabbing my scissors from under my bed, but it was too cold for me to force myself out from under my covers once more.

I scanned my room again, just to be sure that everything was in its place, before checking my clock. It was still early, only four a.m. Luckily, I didn't have to get up the next day, so I pulled my knees closer to my chest and closed my eyes.

I awoke to the shrill sound of the telephone ringing downstairs, but did not bother to get out of bed for it. If it was _that_ important, Charlie would answer it. We received so few calls as it were. It took me another hour of trying to fall back asleep before I threw my covers off and went downstairs for breakfast.

The blinking light on the answering machine told me that Charlie had, in fact, not answered the phone when it had woken me up earlier. Before I sat down to eat my cereal, I pushed the play button, just to see who had called.

"Hey, Bella, it's Alice. I wanted to know if you would hang out with me today. Maybe we could spend the day outdoors? Just give me a call back if you feel like it." I smiled at her tone. I was sure that the moment I made a decision, she would know about it. I wanted to spend time with her, I truly did, but I didn't want to intrude upon her life. Had she not made any friends outside of her own family group? I jumped slightly when the phone rang again.

"Hello?" I sounded unsure and possibly a bit frightened of whomever could be on the other end. I tried to push those fears away.

"Bella! Good morning! So, are you going to spend time with us today?" I sat down again, digging into my cereal as Alice's voice came through the phone line.

"Us?" I inquired. There had been nothing in her previous message about spending time together in a group. I tried to think of anyone outside of her family that she could be referencing, but I hadn't seen her around anyone else at the high school.

"Edward and I? Is that okay?" She sounded anxious, like she thought I would say no.

"Sure, that sounds fine. I think Charlie is out fishing for the day. What are we going to do?" There was a knock at the door as I spoke and I stood from my seat. I could hear Alice babbling about being outdoors and hiking as I neared the door. I was pulling the lock open and opening the door when Alice went completely silent.

"Wait... Bella... don't..." The door swung open and before I knew what was happening I was being pushed back into the house by Laurent and a few of his friends. I watched as the phone clattered to the kitchen floor without ending the call. I could hear the squeak of wet wheels on the linoleum floor, and then Victoria and James appeared. She was pushing James along in a wheelchair, one leg and one arm in a cast.

It was obvious now why he hadn't been in school and I was pretty sure I knew who had injured him so badly. I was thrown roughly into one of the kitchen chairs while one of James' cronies pulled out a rope and tied my hands together around the back of the chair. I tugged at the restraints out of habit and froze. I could see my nightmare clearly with my hands cuffed and I could see him there. He would be coming for me. I was restrained and it would be too easy.

I tugged hard at the cuffs around me, my whole body shaking as I tried to get away from the one thing I was afraid of. He was coming. They were helping him. They knew.

"No, please, no. NO! Not this, not him. Anyone else. You can't- I'll do anything, anything you want. Just keep him away from me." I was screaming, I could tell, and then I was whispering. I tried to get out of the restraints, but they were too tight. They were always too tight for me to slip away. A resounding smack rang out through the kitchen and my head snapped sideways, the sharp sting registering on my cheek.

My head lolled back towards him, his hand raised for another strike when all movement froze. All of a sudden, I was surrounded by three pale figures and Phil was gone, replaced by James' group of minions. I blinked a few times, trying to see clearly after being hit so hard. I could see the blurry outline of Alice's spiky black hair and the copper shine of Edward's hair. Then there was Emmett, who seemed to take up half the room, due to his size. I was glad he was to one side of me, otherwise I would not have been able to see what was going on.

"You need to leave, James. You and your friends." A few of the kids in the room backed towards the door, but Laurent, Victoria, and James made no indication of leaving.

"You can't protect her at all times. She belongs to me and before your family showed up she knew that too. Didn't you, Bella?" He smirked and winked at me. Edward growled, his stance shifting slightly towards James.

"You don't get to address her! You don't even have the right to look at her! We will protect her and you will leave her alone. Don't make us have to warn you again because you might not survive our next warning." I shivered at Edward's tone. It was so cold and so very serious. I had no doubt that if James came after me again that Edward would make good on his threat.

"You do not control me. I will not give up. As I said, she _belongs_ to _me._" He turned his head slightly to look at me once more.

"You belong to me and I will have you back. Whether by your own free will or not. Until next time, Bella." I tried to reach out for Edward, to hold him back, but my action was quickly halted by the restraints around my wrists. Edward lunged forward, his expression feral, and yet, beautiful in his anger. I cried out as the rope cut into my skin, and Edward froze mid lunge. His golden eyes were torn between James' group and my cry of pain.

"Leave, now." Alice commanded, stepping towards the trio that remained. They retreated quickly, yet their body language showed no defeat. I tried to stop the tears from falling, but it didn't work and in the next moment I could feel a tissue wiping them up. I sighed in relief as Emmett pulled apart the rope around my wrists and my body sagged forward – almost slumping off the chair before Edward caught me.

"Bella, sweetie, can we take you to Carlisle so we can make sure you're okay?" My immediate response was to say no, but I was so comfortable now and so tired. I tried to move on my own, but my body refused to cooperate.

"I'm okay. Just... shocked, confused... fine." I let my eyes drift closed again, enjoying being held, not having to move on my own. Safe.

"We have to take you to see our dad, sweetheart. You're bleeding and they hit you pretty hard." Alice's voice floated into my conscious once more, but this time I couldn't find it in me to respond. I was on the edge of unconsciousness when I felt myself being lifted upward.

"Bella, Bella, can you hear me?" The light was painful, blinding, as small movements began to register once more. Where was I? I knew that voice, but the name refused to appear in my head. The light vanished and then I was being lifted again for a moment. I should have answered the question, but I just couldn't find it in me to speak. I heard a door click shut and then there was silence for a few moments.

"Bella, it's just you and I now. Do you remember me? My name is Dr. Cullen, you can call me Carlisle. I helped you at the hospital a few weeks ago. You have a few scrapes from the rope and bruising under your eye, but nothing too severe. I know you're protecting yourself right now, but I do hope you are aware enough to know that you are safe here." I could hear him, I remembered his name, now that he had given it to me, but I just wanted to sleep. The soft material being wrapped around my wrists was soothing against the rope burns.

They had said I was bleeding. I wondered how bad it could have gotten without me noticing. All my thoughts had been focused on my hallucinations and the similarities to my dream from the night before. I couldn't remember anything after the ropes, but the fear and memory.

"Edward, will you bring her upstairs? The best thing now is for her to sleep and let her recover from the shock. She has completely shut down and the only thing we can do is wait it out. Bella, we are going to let you rest now, okay?" I sighed in relief. Rest would be nice, especially after the past twelve hours I had experienced. I didn't hear a response from Carlisle's request, but a moment later I was being lifted and carried upstairs.

The door was closed with a soft click, and then I was being set gently on a very soft comforter. The chill of his hand as he touched my cheek contrasted wonderfully with the warmth that came with his touch. Without much thought, my hand grabbed onto his arm and refused to let go. I was sure that if he so chose he could pry it off, but it never happened. After a few moments of hearing my own breathing I felt the bed lower slightly and then I was being pulled into his arms.

The chill coming off him was quickly remedied when Edward pulled a blanket over me. My bones felt like jelly, as though I were melting, and as soon as the blanket was laid over me, I began to drift. The exhaustion took over quickly and the darkness pulled me under.

"Took care... Charlie... let her sleep..." The warmth was stifling and inescapable as the voice spoke in a low whisper. I didn't catch all of it and the small fragments I caught didn't make any sense to me. Why was I so warm? I struggled weakly against the thick layer of heat around me, but it only made it worse. I was trapped. Before the panic could get too bad, cool hands were pulling me from my prison and calming me down.

"Stay... needs you..." I shivered slightly as the cold intensified and I was quickly laid down with the warmth covering me right next to the cold around me. It was much better this way. Not too hot, not too cold.

"Bella... it's time to wake up, sleepy head." I snuggled closer to the cool arms around me, trying to get away from the warmth.

"Charlie is expecting you soon." I stretched slowly before curling back up and finally cracking one eye open. I blinked slowly, trying to get used to having to look around. I hadn't opened my eyes since the Cullens had saved me from James. I froze, the memories of what had happened flooding back. I looked up into Edward's golden eyes. His expression was worried as he watched me. I shook my head and tried to push away the feeling of dread after my nightmares.

"I'm sorry," I whispered before untangling myself from his hold and stepping off the bed. My muscles were sore and I had to fight to keep myself upright as all the blood rushed out of my head. I swayed slightly and then caught my balance. I started towards the door, searching for a bathroom to clean up after spending so much time asleep.

"Wait, Bella, where are you going? You just woke up after a very trying day today. Take it easy, okay?" Edward appeared in front of me, blocking my escape from sheer embarrassment at my current state. The expression on his face hadn't changed, worry still the most dominant emotion along with confusion.

"I just... I need... I-I-I..." It wouldn't come out as I debated trying to get around him and down the hallway to find my way around. All of a sudden he relaxed and stepped towards me.

"I have a bathroom in my room if you'd like to freshen up after being asleep for so long. I even have towels and soap if you'd like to shower." I stared at him incredulously. How had he known that? I hadn't said anything out loud, had I? He smiled and led me back to the room we had just been in.

"Alice tipped me off," he whispered as he closed the door again. Well that explained it. She was a girl after all. She would know such things. I watched, still rather speechless, as he opened the curtains and then led me to another door. The bathroom was extremely clean and it seemed rather new. I suppose this made sense though, since they hadn't been here all that long. I smiled in thanks when he handed me a clean towel and then left me to clean up alone.

It took me up until that moment to notice the gauze wrapped around my wrists. My sleeves didn't quite cover the bandages, but it seems I hadn't noticed them. I thought about taking them off, but chose to wait for Dr. Cullen's instruction on the matter instead.

I decided against a shower, feeling a little too uncomfortable to shower in Edward's bathroom, but I did wash my face and brush my teeth. I combed through my hair quickly, making sure I looked somewhat presentable as I stared at myself in the mirror. For someone who had just spent the last few hours sleeping, my eyes still had dark circles under them and I looked like I could use another nap.

I tugged my sleeves back down after washing my face, wishing briefly that I was in my own bathroom with my trusty pair of scissors. That would have snapped me out of the shock of the day much quicker than sleeping it off. The added security of the cuts would have only made me feel better. At least the nightmares had been kept at bay while I slept. Being beaten by James' group did have its perks.

I hung up the towel on the back of the door before stepping out of the bathroom.

Edward was sitting cross-legged on the bed with a large tray in front of him. The smell of dinner was wafting throughout the room and, as if on cue, my stomach growled loudly. I flushed, embarrassed but I was quick to sit down and dig in to the spread.

"Would you like some?" I inquired as Edward watched me eat. His expression changed to disgust and then smoothed out.

"No, thank you." He turned to look out the window for a moment, his expression conflicted. I took another bite of my carrots before digging into the lasagna.

"Do you not like Italian food?" I knew I should let it drop, but they had been so open with me so far, and I was extremely curious as to why they did they things they did. Now that I knew they didn't expect anything in return, I had a lot of questions. Plus, I knew Alice didn't eat the way I did, at least she didn't eat at Forks High School. Though that could be because of the quality of the food there. Mrs. Cullen really knew how to cook. The meal was amazing.

"Yeah, you could say that." I frowned at his response, but didn't push it. I didn't want to upset him or cause any problems.

"Did your mom make this?" He nodded, a hint of humor in his eyes as he turned to look at me once more.

"She is a wonderful cook." He grinned, cocking his head to the side slightly before focusing on me again.

"She says thank you. She wants you to know that you are welcome to come back again and eat anytime. Oh, and she wants to meet you before you leave tonight." I frowned again, the nerves popping up out of nowhere. I hadn't met their mother yet. Of course I hadn't been properly introduced to Rosalie or Jasper either, not that I really wanted to be.

"How long was I out for?"

"About eight hours. It's seven o'clock now. You were in and out of consciousness before that when Carlisle looked you over to make sure you were okay." Once my stomach stopped growling I followed Edward down three flights of stairs to the first floor and into the kitchen. I watched in silence as he washed the dishes, refusing to let me help. I turned to study the rest of the kitchen and gasped in surprise.

"Oh, I'm sorry sweetie! I didn't mean to frighten you. I'm Esme." She was so young and so very beautiful. I knew her words warranted a response, but I couldn't seem to figure out what to reply with.

"Bella, this is my mother, Esme." Edward appeared at my side, his hand lightly touching my own in a comforting gesture. I smiled, feeling a little more at ease with the situation. Esme looked a bit shocked for a moment, glancing between Edward and I before smiling once more. She didn't seem upset with me so I took that as a good thing.

"Esme, it is so nice to meet you." My words sounded polite and formal, but it would have to do. I wasn't used to having to meet new people. Alice had befriended me without all the awkward pleasantries, as had Edward and Emmett. I shifted slightly on my feet, moving myself closer to Edward.

"It's nice to meet you, too, dear. Alice let me know that she had made a new friend and I have been waiting so long to meet you. Our family is very tight knit and they tend to keep to themselves." I smiled as Esme chattered on about her children. She really cared for them, that much was obvious in her manner of speaking. A sharp tug pulled out a tinge of sadness when considering my own mother.

I loved Renee and I wanted her to be happy above all things, but in that moment I wished she were more like Esme. I wished she could mother me the way a normal mother would, but that was merely a wishful desire. Renee would always be Renee and that was that.

"Well, I usually keep to myself as well, but Alice is very persistent," I commented with a smile. Both Edward and Esme chuckled in agreement. I jumped, slightly, when Alice appeared right next to me with a pout on her small face. Esme hugged her and then vanished with another laugh.

"You know it's true, Alice." The smack resounded throughout the room and Edward stumbled back from me. I hadn't even seen her hit him. I stepped away from them both, not willing to get between them if they fought.

"Children! Please don't fight in my house!" I smiled as Esme's voice came floating into the kitchen. They both relaxed at her words and sat down at the breakfast bar. Alice motioned for me to join them.

"I know this just happened today, but we need to talk to you about James." I hadn't quite been expecting that topic of conversation. I wanted to argue against whatever she had to say, but the determination in her eyes kept me from saying a word. Edward took my hand again and I turned toward him.

"We would like to keep watch over you at home until we figure out how to get rid of James and Victoria. Without the two of them, the rest of the group will disband. We have already incapacitated James, but we have, obviously, found out that his injuries will not hold him back from you." His words were cold and calculating as he discussed protecting me further from James.

"You mean, you guys are going to stay at my house everyday?" I could see how wrong that would go already. How could I get what I needed if they were around all the time? I sucked in a breath and tugged my hand out of his.

"No, Bella, we would stay with you before and after school when Charlie isn't around and on the weekends when he is away from the house. I know it seems a bit overbearing, but we will not allow him near you again. You are a part of our group and we protect our own. It won't be too long before we figure out how to get him far away from here so he can't harm you." I wasn't sure how well it would go if I wasn't able to spend any time alone, but I would have to deal because they were very serious about protecting me.

I knew, at some point, if I needed my space, they would give it to me. I didn't need much time to satiate my needs, to protect myself the only way I knew how, and they would never be they wiser. Even Alice was in the dark. She had a partial truth of what I was, of who I was, and hopefully I would never have to tell them the whole story. The moment they found out, they would go running as far away from me as they could get – which would be pretty far considering how fast they can move.

"I- okay. But I need my space, so if I ask for that sometimes, will I be able to have it?" Alice smiled but a worried expression appeared on her face.

"Sure, Bella. I will know if he chooses to come visit you again, anyway. A little bit of time shouldn't cause any problems." I smiled and hopped off the stool so I could head home when Alice reached out to hold me back.

"Wait, um, are you leaving now?" I chuckled at her question. Of course I was. I had Charlie to think of and school tomorrow.

"We already called Charlie to see if you could sleep over and we will bring you to school with us tomorrow... if that's okay with you?" I sat back down, glad she gave me the option to leave if I so chose. I didn't want to leave my new friends, especially when they were able to make me feel so safe, but my scissors were back home and there were very few times that I would do anything of the sort outside of my own home. Though sometimes it was unavoidable, but those times were only on the worst of days.

"How did you talk Charlie into letting me stay here on a school night?"

"All it took was five minutes on the phone with Carlisle. Plus, I did an impression of your voice for him so he could talk to 'you,' and he accepted the sleepover idea."

"She also practically begged him, telling him that it was a fashion emergency and that she needed you. That was rather comical," Edward added with a laugh.

"How did you pull off an impression of my voice?" She didn't answer right away and the next second she repeated the exact question I had just posed to her in an impression of my voice. I giggled as she continued on in my voice and almost landed on the floor from laughing so hard as I watched her. My voice coming out of her small frame was hysterical, and just a bit weird.

"That is... ridiculously odd... hearing my... voice coming from... you," I managed to choke out as I laughed. Edward nodded as he too chuckled at the situation. Alice led me upstairs, back into the room I had woken up in, so I could check and make sure she had gotten all I would need from my house for the night. After a pedicure that Alice guilted me into getting from her, I was ready for bed. It had been a very long day and I was exhausted even after sleeping all afternoon.

Edward offered for me to stay in the room I had woken up in, his room, for the night. I decided that it would be easiest, fully expecting him to pick a different bedroom to stay in while I slept, but that was not the case. Once I was ready for bed, laying down under the covers, I felt the bed dip again and I was being scooped up into his arms. I almost protested the comforting gesture, but quickly decided against it.

There was still a part of me that wanted to pretend that he actually cared about me as more than a friend, that _that_ was his motivation – so pretend I would for this one night. At least I could try and forget that he stayed merely to keep me safe and comfort me as any normal person would do.

I shifted closer to him, breathing in his comforting smell as I drifted off to sleep.

**Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Review and let me know! :) I love to hear from ya'll.**

**peace & grace  
**


	12. Hurt

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight.**

**Warning: This story contains scenes of self inflicted injury along with other dark themes. Consider yourself forewarned.**

**To my betas Maddux and Owlpostagain. Ya'll are amazing, truly! :)  
**

**Chapter 12:**** Hurt**

_I hurt myself today_

_To see if I still feel_

_I focus on the pain_

_The only thing that's real_

_The needle tears a hole_

_The old familiar sting_

_Try to kill it all away_

_But I remember everything_

_What have I become?_

_My sweetest friend_

_Everyone I know_

_Goes away in the end_

_You could have it all_

_My empire of dirt_

_I will let you down_

_I will make you hurt_

_Hurt - Nine Inch Nails_

A few weeks passed, and I began to settle into a new routine. I was growing accustomed to the subtle changes in my life. Every day after school one of the Cullens would follow me to my house and spend some time with me until Charlie was due to arrive home. I spent most of my time focusing on my school work and not on the growing discomfort I was dealing with at being watched all the time. I knew I could ask for time to spend on my own, but it felt wrong, somehow, to force them to leave, just so I could bleed in peace. Instead, I chose to sneak around Charlie as best I could.

Some of the best days were the ones where Alice would follow me home and then take me to the Cullens to spend a few hours until Charlie got back. It was on these days that I was able to learn the most about my new friends. I could watch them interact and join in when I so chose. The only one who pushed me too far outside of my comfort zone was Alice, but she was getting better at avoiding my freakouts and keeping me happy.

These weeks of relative quiet and peace were nice, but they were not easily accepted. I knew, logically, that this was the calm before the storm. I knew it wouldn't last and that only added to the stress of never being alone.

I never knew who was going to spend the few hours with me after school. It changed every time and there was never any real pattern to it. I did realize rather quickly that though Rosalie and Jasper would sit with the Cullens at lunch, they never appeared after school, and there were several times when I would catch Rosalie glaring at me. Her glares were frightening, but I tried my best to ignore it.

I had never met the two of them personally, so I didn't understand why she would be so upset with me, unless she was upset that her family was spending so much time trying to keep me safe. At least, in that respect, I understood her completely. If that was her reasoning for hating me, well, I agreed with her. I didn't understand why they spent so much time on me either. I really wasn't worth all the trouble I was causing.

Jasper, Alice's boyfriend, never glared at me, but he never got too close to me either. I had seen him trailing me with Emmett in the school hallways and he spent a lot of time outside of my house when Alice was over, but he would never come in. Alice assured me that his actions were merely because he was not as certain of his ability to be around me as Emmett and Edward were. This didn't really clear the matter up since I wasn't sure what the heck she meant by that, but I accepted it and moved on. I certainly wasn't about to complain. There were only so many new people I could handle at once in my life.

Of course, she also assured me that he would learn to be around me soon enough, and warned me to be prepared for a new friend. I had chuckled at the way she phrased it, but she was right to warn me. At least I knew it was coming and I could justify it, somehow, before it happened.

"Hey, girlie. You look like you are thinking way too much, and it doesn't look like you're thinking about anything good. You okay?" I jumped slightly and twisted up off my bed, only to find Alice poking her head in the window of my bedroom. Her concerned expression as she watched me was enough to make me sit down again and try to relax.

"Um, I'm alright. I just was thinking about the past few weeks and all. I just… well… what are you doing climbing in my window? How did you get up here?" She laughed as I watched her walk from the window to the center of my room.

"Don't you think that is a bit of a silly question? I mean you know so much about us and our differences… did you think we couldn't climb up here?" I blinked, the logic slowly filtering through as Alice appeared next to me on the bed. It would make sense, with their speed and strength, that climbing a wall would be rather simple. Yet, even with the logic, I felt a strange sense of déjà vu, as though I had seen something similar before.

I dismissed it quickly, sure that Alice hadn't climbed into my window recently, at least, she hadn't done so to my knowledge. I glanced at her, narrowing my eyes in concentration. Why did this feel so familiar?

"So I have some good news for you." I let my train of thought go for the moment and focused on what Alice wanted to tell me.

"We no longer need to watch over you." The mischievous expression on her face had me wary at what she may have done to make that happen. I let the idea sink in slowly, unsure if I was glad I would be alone more often or not.

"You mean-"

"Yep. James won't be bothering you again. We didn't think you'd appreciate it if we killed him, so instead, we planted drugs on his person and in his house. We also pegged him for a major theft and vandalism. His parents are very strict, and since the police have him on all these charges, they are going to hold him in a juvenile detention center until the trial, and afterward his parents are sending him to rehab for a year-long program. He cannot leave the program or the facility until the year is up. All things considered, he should be gone for at least a year and a half. I doubt he will bother you after that. If he does, he will have me to deal with." I chuckled and she grinned. She looked far too excited at that idea than was healthy, but there wasn't much I could do about it.

"Well, I'm glad that's over." I wasn't sure what answer she was looking for, but I couldn't exactly say thank you for what they did. I was grateful, especially since I now understood that his attentions were darker than I had ever guessed. I had never thought he would follow me to my house or try to hurt me there. Yet, he had helped me keep the nightmares at bay. He had been a part of something I had needed at the time, before the Cullens had arrived.

"Me too. So, would you like to spend some time at my house today?" The idea of seeing Edward, Emmett, and Esme sounded like an overall enjoyable time, but I had one thing holding me back.

"Maybe you could stay for dinner and then we could go to your place afterward? Would that be okay?" She agreed and we headed downstairs after she shut my window. I wasn't quite ready to delve back into why the déjà vu was so strong with the window, so I ignored it as best I could.

Alice sat down in my usual chair at the kitchen table and chattered away about fashion while I prepared and cooked dinner for the night. Charlie was due in about an hour, and though he was unaware of Alice's attendance to dinner, I was sure he wouldn't mind. She was charming when she wanted to be.

I managed to pay minimal attention and keep Alice happy while cooking dinner. I was startled, once again, by his loud entry, but once he was in the kitchen the startled feeling dissipated.

"Hey, Bells… Alice, how are you?" His entire demeanor changed as soon as he realized that Alice was in the kitchen as well. It was a bit disconcerting that he seemed to have something to say, but chose not to say it as soon as he noticed that we had company. What had he wanted to say?

It wasn't long before Alice had fully filled in Charlie on her family and how they were getting along in Forks. He didn't say much, but he seemed to take to Alice quicker than I would have thought possible. It wasn't until about halfway through dinner, which I noticed Alice didn't eat very much of, that Charlie finally addressed me again. He seemed a bit uncomfortable as he cleared his throat to speak, glancing at Alice for a moment before turning to me.

"Bells, I wanted to tell you today that we are going to have visitors next week. Renee and Phil are going to spend about five days here for the week of Thanksgiving. They wanted to stay in a hotel, but I told them that was unnecessary. They shouldn't have to spend the money so I offered the house. I just wanted you to know that they will be staying here. I know you said you didn't have a lot of time for visiting and whatnot, but I will ask that you make some time for Renee. Uh… okay?" I could feel Alice watching me as I stared down at my plate. I couldn't look up, but I nodded for Charlie's sake.

After a moment of silence Charlie picked up his plate and vanished into the den to watch sports. I hadn't moved since he had spoken. I refused to look at Alice as I finally took a deep breath and stood to wash the dishes. She didn't comment on my current silent state as she helped me at the sink, for which I was grateful. I wasn't sure I could say anything anyway.

"Would you like to go to my house now?" I realized then that I had forgotten to ask Charlie if I could go to Alice's house in the first place. I made my way to the den, not bothering to even reply to Alice yet. I still had to figure out if I could speak at all.

I knew I should be freaking out at the moment. Normally I would have been upstairs suffering through a panic attack by now, but nothing was happening and I certainly couldn't just ditch Alice after telling her we could spend some time together. I cleared my throat, hoping to get Charlie's attention, but there was no need because Alice spoke up first.

"Chief Swan?" Charlie turned, watching us expectantly, his gaze flickering to the game every few seconds.

"Bella and I were wondering if we could spend some time at my house tonight. I'll have her back before ten, if that's okay?" Charlie turned back to his game with a wave of his hand.

"Sure, Alice. Oh and Bells? Your curfew is eleven. Don't be late, okay?" His question didn't warrant a response so I didn't even bother with one. I felt a bit like I was on autopilot as we made our way out the door into the cold November night. I felt colder than normal, but it became obvious why I was cold when Alice appeared beside me with my jacket. Her worried expression wasn't helping, but it made sense with my current state. I had just walked out into November weather without a jacket.

Could I tell her what was about to happen? I certainly couldn't do it without completely breaking down and it would only add more burden to her protectiveness of me. I didn't want to cause any more trouble. The car ride to her house was completely silent as I stared, unseeing, out the window. It was all a blur at the speed she was driving, but I knew I wouldn't have been able to see anything anyway. All I could see now was the darkness and the fear of the coming week.

A hand touched me on the shoulder, startling me from the darkness in my head, and I jumped slightly before turning to see who it was.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you," Alice whispered. She looked genuinely guilty and I immediately felt bad for acting so strange around her. She didn't deserve to be dragged into all of this. She had every right to live a happy and enjoyable life.

"No, it's okay. Let's just go inside. What did you have in mind?" Her guilty expression seemed to deepen as her gaze moved past me to outside the car. I started to turn as the door opened.

"Actually, I was hoping _we_ could spend some time together. Is that okay?" I glanced back at Alice but the driver's seat was empty. I sighed and turned back to Edward, who was holding open my door with one hand outstretched towards me to help me out. I immediately wondered if Alice had been thinking about having him come spend time with me instead.

"Um… okay," I managed, my voice barely a whisper as I took his hand and stepped out of the car. The shock of his cold hand mixed with the comforting electricity between us snapped me out of the numb that had descended. I cringed, fully expecting the fear to crash down and drown me, but it never came. I lifted my gaze only to see Edward watching me carefully.

The last few weeks, with their happy simplicity, had been made even happier with Edward. We had spent many of our lunches in the art room where we would talk and create. There were a few times when we had spent the rest of the day, from lunch until it was time to go home, in that room just enjoying each others company.

Then there were the days when he would come home with me until Charlie returned. We talked, laughed, and cooked dinner as the hours flew by. He had so many questions for me, about all my favorite things and what I liked to do. Though there had been a few questions I couldn't answer, it only made me happier that he wanted to know about me. It was also at this time that I began to learn about the Edward I didn't know. I learned of his likes and his dislikes. I listened as he told me about his parents and how they had died when he was young.

Those were my happiest days, when I could learn about him. He was fascinating, and for some reason, I couldn't get enough. Every little bit I learned was a small gift for me. Edward had found a way into my heart without even trying, and in a way, he meant more to me than anything else.

After that day with James, and spending my time at the Cullens' with Edward holding me, it felt as though something had shifted. I refused to name the feelings that surged through me every time he looked at me, but even without a name, those feelings were there.

I knew I could never tell him about these emotions, whatever they were. We were friends and even that was more than I would ever deserve. I could not lose the gift of being friends with him just so I could be shattered by his rejection. How could anyone care for someone as broken as I was? The answer was that they couldn't, and so I let it be.

"What are you thinking about, Bella?" We had moved into the house and up into his room. I looked around, trying to remember how we had gotten up here in the first place, but I just couldn't think straight. He had let go of me as he spoke, sitting down on the bed and motioning for me to join him.

The numb wasn't returning and the panic was welling up as I stood in his room, staring at him. Why had he let go? I tried to force myself to move forward, to resume contact before the panic took over completely, but I was frozen to the spot where he had let me go.

"I… I…" My knees began to crumple underneath me, but before I hit the floor, I was being picked up and cradled in comforting cold arms. I could hear him speaking quietly to me, but I couldn't make out the words as the panic slowly receded from my body. I curled into his chest, fisting my hand in his shirt as I breathed in his unique scent. This was safe, this was where I needed to be right now.

"Bella, please talk to me… what happened? Bella, it's going to be okay, I promise, if you just tell me what happened." His tone was soothing as I relaxed against him. He wanted to protect me, but this was something I couldn't allow. He didn't understand. He would walk away in disgust if he knew how wrong I was. They wouldn't look at me the same again.

I was scarred and broken on the inside and out.

"I-I-I'm sorry," I whispered into his shirt, breathing in again and relaxing further.

"Why are you sorry? You have done nothing wrong. Bella, Alice tells me that Chief Swan gave you some news today and that your reaction was not exactly positive. What happened in Phoenix, Bella, that has you so frightened and fearful all the time? Please, Bella, you can tell me. I won't judge. I only want you to be happy and whatever… whoever... hurt you will never get that chance again. Please…" I froze, the fear returning, as he brought up Phoenix. The images of what had happened were coming fast as I scrambled up from his lap, pushing myself back into the corner of the room.

It was like a wrecking ball as I tried to fight off the overwhelming fear and darkness that threatened without his touch. I could see Phil advancing towards me, I could feel the sheets underneath me, I could smell the sweat hanging in the room and the sound of my mother's voice as she asked me if I was okay. I shuddered, pushing myself further into the wall, desperate for some ounce of reality to return to me.

I didn't want to be in Phoenix, that's why I had left. I had left, hadn't I? Please, God, tell me I'd left. I could feel the wall, a wall, that had nothing to do with the memories. I knew it was there and then there was a shift again as a spark of heat ran up my arm. The images began to fade as another spark of heat, along with the searing cold, appeared in my other hand. I was in Edward's room, I was in Forks. _He_ was coming to Forks.

The warm electricity battled with the overwhelming fear that thought brought on. I wanted to get closer to that warmth, but I couldn't force myself to move for fear of falling back into the nightmares of my past.

It didn't take long to realize that Edward would win this battle against the darkness and a moment later I was, once again, cradled against his chest. I could feel a slight rush of wind as he moved, but there were no other voices.

"You don't have to tell me now, Bella. I won't push, but I'm not going to let this go. Whatever it is, it can't hurt you now. You are a part of this family and I will not allow any harm to come to you. I hope you understand now that we aren't going anywhere. Please, open your eyes for me? We can watch a movie or play a game. We can do something simple and calm. Please?" I was a part of their family? I realized then that I had squeezed my eyes shut so tight that I was starting to see little pin pricks of light behind my eyelids. If I didn't calm down soon, I would pass out.

I forced my eyes open slowly, taking in my surroundings. Edward had me in his lap, his unique touch creating a cocoon of safety around me. His expression was completely panicked for a moment before it smoothed out to relief. I glanced around the room quickly and found that we were sitting on a couch in the living room by the television. The room was rather dark except for the light of the moon shining in the large window taking up one side of the room.

I looked back at Edward and gasped as his face fell into darkness. The clouds had covered the moon once again. Less than a second later a light flicked on and I could see him again. He smiled, his entire expression now relaxed and calm. His golden eyes practically glowed as we watched each other. I could feel the spark of feelings flooding in again as we stared and I was unable to look away. It was a bit like my whole body was tingling. I pushed the feeling away as best I could and then he looked away. I sighed in relief.

"Would a movie be okay?" he inquired quietly. I nodded and he lifted me up again and moved towards the television. He let me look at all the movies they owned, which was practically every one ever made, while sitting comfortably in his lap. I knew why he hadn't let me go though. I had freaked out the last time he'd let me go. I blushed, the heat creeping up my neck to my face. I was so easy to read when I blushed. How could I have freaked out so badly in front of him? He must realize now that I'm insane.

This was it. I would leave and he would find some way to never see me again. I knew it, after what I'd done. He must think I'm crazy.

"Did you find a movie you like?" I shook my head to clear it and mumbled a quick 'no.' He smiled, looking completely comfortable where he was. It had to be a facade. I tried to shut off the voice in my head that was trying to convince me that I had scared him away. He was still here for the moment. It took a me a few minutes, but once I saw it, I knew it would be the one we would watch. I picked it up, holding it up for Edward to see as well.

I turned to him with a grin and he was already smiling. It seemed he agreed with my movie choice.

"Casablanca. Sounds good to me. That's one of my favorite movies. Shall we?" I nodded, and after placing the movie in the DVD player, he lifted me up again and headed back to the couch. I fully expected him to set me on the couch and sit beside me, but before I could protest, he was sitting down again with me on his lap. His arms curled around me protectively and the protest died in my throat. I certainly wasn't going to make him let me go.

"With the coming of the Second World War, many eyes in imprisoned Europe turned hopefully, or desperately, toward the freedom of the Americas…" The light beside us vanished and the black and white of the movie began. I had seen this movie so many times already with Renee, before everything had gone wrong, that I knew it by heart. I could have recited every line at the same time it was spoken in the film.

As the film continued on I finally found myself relaxing into Edward's arms. I leaned my head back against his chest, my eyes drooping slightly as I mouthed out the lines of the movie.

"Bella, honey, it's time to wake up. We have to get you home, it's almost eleven o'clock." I yawned and stretched up from my sleeping position. Edward hadn't moved at all and I turned to the television only to see the credits rolling down the screen.

"Oh, crap, how long have I been asleep? You didn't just sit here and watch the credits did you?" Edward shook his head 'no' before standing from the couch and heading towards the door with me in his arms.

"Edward, my shoes… I can't-" I felt my shoes sliding onto my feet and smiled in thanks at Alice before she hugged me gently. Before I could blink I was in the passenger seat and Edward was starting the car. He didn't let go of my hand the whole way home.

"Thank you for driving me home," I whispered, my voice refusing to be any louder as Edward opened my door and helped me out. I could feel the waves of panic just outside of my reach, waiting for the moment I was left alone. Why couldn't I just be numb? I couldn't stop it, I couldn't run away. He was coming and there was nothing I could do. Besides, I knew what could happen, what would probably happen.

Edward walked me to the door before having to stop. It wasn't like he could stay here for the night. Charlie would never allow it. I froze when I felt his fingertips touch my cheekbone. His golden eyes captured my own as we watched each other once more. He made me feel so safe.

"Goodnight, Bella. Sweet dreams," he whispered. I smiled, my mind slowly melting, my negative thoughts drifting away as I looked at him. What was it about him that had me so… confused? After a moment I managed to smile and look away. He waited there until I had unlocked the door and shut it before I heard the Volvo start and drive away.

I made it upstairs with few issues. Charlie was in bed and I was still relatively calm which was flowing over directly from having spent the past few hours with Edward. I knew it wouldn't last though. It never did.

I shut my door quietly and changed into my pajamas before sitting on my bed.

The mental images were coming fast, parading all my memories before me of the darkness my life had become in Phoenix. I tried to force them away from me, to forget them just for a little while, but I had been without them for too long in Edward's presence and now they were back with a vengeance.

I reached under my bed quickly and grabbed my scissors. I knew it wouldn't be enough this time, but it would hold them at bay long enough to help me sleep. At least there I could hope that the nightmares would leave me alone for the night.

I didn't bother pulling down my pants, choosing instead to yank up my sleeve and place the scissors there.

I pushed down just enough to draw blood and then moved the scissors a little further down. The thick scars from all the swipes across my skin were so obvious as the light turned them into raised scar tissue.

I leaned by head back and dropped the scissors after a few more cuts, letting the small amounts of blood bead there. The telltale sting of what I had done relaxed me and I finally closed my eyes to blank darkness. The pictures were gone, their painful reminder locked away for the moment.

As soon as I cleaned up and hid the evidence of my activities, I curled up under the covers, my body finally giving in to exhaustion as I drifted down into the darkness.

xXx

I knew it was wrong and that Charlie was starting to notice my change in behavior, but I couldn't help myself. The past five days had been spent in a darker fashion than normal. Half the time was spent in the bathroom while the other half was spent at the Cullens' house in complete denial.

Our visitors were scheduled to arrive tomorrow in the early afternoon and I still couldn't breathe when I thought of it. The worst part was that Charlie couldn't stop talking about it. He hadn't gone fishing this weekend, choosing to spend it in the house to prepare for their arrival, and forcing me to find new ways to sneak away for a few minutes when things got to be too much. He had switched into planning mode, as though their visit was extremely important, though I couldn't see why it was so important.

I had never seen him so neat and clean about anything in my life, not that I had been here for very long.

Charlie had refused to let me escape to the Cullens' the day before, since Renee would be here and the house needed to be cleaned and prepared. He wanted a bed made up in the den for them and the pantry stocked so they wouldn't have to buy food. I knew that some time during the week I would have to go shopping for the Thanksgiving meal since I would be the one cooking it. I was sure I would prolong that trip for as long as possible and leave the house as much as I could. I wasn't quite sure how I was going to get through my forced times within the house so close to him, but none of that mattered.

I couldn't think about it now or I wouldn't make it to their arrival.

I wished desperately that we had school the week of Thanksgiving, which would have gotten me out of the house for most of the day. I knew Charlie would be working Monday through Wednesday and he would be on call Thursday and Friday. They would leave Saturday. I would do anything to have it be Saturday already and they hadn't even arrived yet.

After spending the day cleaning up the house, upstairs and downstairs, I spent about five minutes just staring at the ceiling in my room before finally opening my eyes and sitting up to put on my pajamas. I certainly couldn't spend the entire night awake if I was going to be alert enough tomorrow to keep a good amount of distance between my stepfather and I.

I changed quickly in the bathroom, not even bothering with my scissors, knowing it would make little difference in the face of my biggest fear. It was when I entered my room that I noticed the change. The room itself had dropped several degrees in temperature and the window was open again.

"Boo!" I stumbled forward and squeaked as a voice floated into my ear. My heart was pounding loudly in my ribcage, desperate to escape what ever was in my room. I whirled around as soon as I caught my balance only to find Alice leaning casually against my closed bedroom door. I could think of a few choice words that needed to be directed at her for scaring the living daylights out of me, but I was still gasping and unable to speak.

"Looks like I actually managed to frighten you. I wasn't sure if that would work. How are you?" She folded her arms across her chest, looking extremely relaxed as I tried to force myself to be calm. It was just Alice after all. Since I couldn't seem to catch my breath to yell at her, I chose instead to huff and turn away to sit down. I was sure my expression would tell her exactly what I couldn't say at the moment.

"Okay, so scaring you was not the best idea. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Are you okay?" I nodded as she shut the window and came to sit down beside me. She slipped one cold arm around my shoulders in a quick hug before letting me gather my thoughts together. It didn't take long to put together what I wanted to say.

"Was there a reason why you thought it would be a good idea to terrify me like that?" She flinched, her expression slightly guilty as she looked away for a moment.

"I just wanted to lighten the mood. You have been so upset lately and I was worried. I thought we would laugh about this. I really am sorry it didn't work that way." I had already forgiven her. I never could stay angry with Alice for very long. She couldn't have possibly known how on edge I was or why I was on edge. The only things she knew was that my mom and stepfather were coming tomorrow and why would that be cause for concern under normal circumstances?

"It's okay, Alice. So, is that why you're here? To frighten me and then leave?" I inquired with a chuckle. She laughed and shook her head. Her expression grew serious as she watched me. She was watching for my reaction to whatever she was going to say next. I tensed, waiting for the bad news.

"Actually I was hoping you would allow me to spend the night here. I mean, if that's okay with you and all…" I smiled, relaxing at the inquiry. That was simple enough, but why did she want to stay?

"Of course you can stay, Alice. Did something happen that you need to stay here?" She didn't look any happier as she stood up from the bed. I watched, confused, as she began to pace the length of the room. This wasn't like Alice. She was my bubbly and happy friend most of the time.

"We don't have many rules in our house, only one really, yet I seem to have angered one of my family members enough that if I bring my car home, it will not survive the night. I can already see the damage if I return tonight, and Bella, the car was a gift. I don't want her to destroy it because she's angry with me. I know it's trivial and materialistic but-" I cut her off before she could ramble on further.

"I don't mind, Alice. Really, it's fine. You are welcome to stay, but we have to keep quiet because I don't really feel like waking up Charlie to ask him if you can stay. Okay?" Her whole face lit up as she bounded over to me and hugged me again. I allowed the hug, but moved to lean against the headboard so it wouldn't happen again. I think she already knew I had reached my limit on physical contact for the day because she stepped back, allowing me my space.

"Would you like a sleeping bag or something?" I inquired, unsure of how to organize sleeping arrangements. I had never had a sleepover in my own house before. Alice stepped to the closet, pulling out my old sleeping bag and smoothing it out on the floor before grabbing a book from my shelf.

"I'm going to read for a bit but you can turn off the light if you like. I can see it in the dark just as well in the light. That way you can sleep." I reached over and shut off the light with a sigh as I cuddled up in my covers. I could hear the pages turning quietly in the darkness. It didn't take long for my eyes to adjust and I could see Alice's outline in the darkness as she read cross-legged on the floor.

The darkness was not without consequences as I slipped into the nightmares I had experienced way too many times.

"Oh, Princess, it's been too long… I've been waiting to see you again, my tiny porcelain doll. How beautiful you have become as you've grown." His voice was low, almost a purr as he sat down beside my laid out form. I pushed myself as far away as was possible, but it wasn't far enough. I squirmed, my breathing picking up as one large hand slipped under my shirt and lifted it up.

"No, don't… please…" I gasped but my words weren't going to change a thing.

"You see, Princess, this was how it was meant to be. You can't escape me, no matter how far you run, you'll never get far enough." I jerked away from him reflexively and I found myself staring directly into a pair of worried golden eyes.

"Bella, are you awake now? Are you okay? He can't get you here, whoever he is, you're safe with me," her tone was soothing as she gently rubbed my back. I tried to reconcile the chaos of my nightmares with the relative calm that was surrounding me in my room but it wasn't easy. How much had she heard?

"I'm… I'm okay. Thank you, Alice. It's okay. It's fine. I'm sorry I woke you," I whispered in attempt not to wake Charlie. I was so tired and my nightmares only made it worse.

"It's okay. I wasn't sleeping, I was reading." That didn't make sense. I glanced at the clock and shook my head. It was almost five in the morning and she was reading?

"But, didn't you sleep?" She smiled, her hand never stopping it's soothing circles on my back. She was going to put me to sleep if she kept that up.

"I don't sleep, Bella. Didn't we tell you that? We can't sleep." They can't sleep? That didn't make sense either. Had they already told me this? I was sure that would be something I would remember. It was an impossibility. Everyone slept, it was necessary to sleep and rejuvenate yourself for the next day.

"You don't… sleep…?" I glanced up at her and she nodded. It was too early and dark and I was now officially too confused to care about any of it. If she says she can't sleep, then so be it. I moved back, curling up under the covers once again and shutting my eyes tight. She didn't try to respond, but I could hear her flipping pages as I lay in the dark with my eyes closed.

I wasn't able to fall back asleep, but I dozed in and out of consciousness until Charlie came in to wake me at ten. I bolted out of bed as the door opened, searching frantically for Alice only to find that she was long gone. My sleeping bag was also gone, no doubt in the closet again, and the book was put away.

"Hey, Bells. We have to leave soon. Your mother's plane is landing in about three hours and you still have to eat breakfast and get dressed." I forced a smile and he vanished out the door.

The next half hour flew by much too quickly but I couldn't seem to slow it down. Time didn't seem to want to cooperate with me when I desperately needed it to. Soon enough Charlie and I were driving, just below the speed limit, down the 101 towards Port Angeles. It took almost an hour and fifteen minutes to get to the small airport there, and I was panicking internally the entire way there. I couldn't focus on anything, my whole body was shutting down on me as we neared the front doors. We had about a half hour until the plane landed and I was already too far gone to notice anything going on around me.

It felt a bit like I was on autopilot as Charlie led me to a small bench where we could wait. I didn't have a watch and when Charlie stood up and stepped forward I was sure we had only been sitting there for five minutes. I didn't allow myself to look up until I heard his voice.

"Charlie! How've you been, man? It's good to see you again!" I felt a thin pair of arms surround me and then Renee was yelling in my ear how much she had missed me. She sounded just the same as she had when I'd left. We had spoken on the phone a few times towards the beginning, but it had been a while since I'd actually heard her voice. Mostly, we kept in touch through e-mail.

I was quick to step a little closer to Charlie as soon as Renee let go of me and stepped back. I knew it would make it a bit more difficult for him to get close to me. I lifted my gaze from the floor and took a look at Renee first as she gave Charlie a quick hug and then I was looking past them at Phil. He had a small smile on his lips, holding their luggage in one hand, the other hand hanging loosely at his side. I lifted my eyes a bit further and immediately looked away. He was watching me, his gaze appraising, and I was sure I was going to be sick in that moment.

I took a few deep breaths, forcing myself to calm down and focus on Renee. I needed to be here so she could be with me and catch up with me. Those were Charlie's orders. I refused to focus on anything else.

As we exited the airport I linked arms with my mom and we walked behind Charlie and Phil. I kept my eyes on my mom the entire way to the car and then they were loading the bags and Renee was getting into the back seat. It seemed I was allowed to keep my shotgun spot in the car with Charlie driving.

I tensed as Charlie and Phil finally opened their doors and slid in to their seats. I felt a large hand on my shoulder and flinched away. My heart was racing as I slid as far away from that hand as the confines of the car would allow.

"Bella, it's good to see you again. I didn't mean to startle you." I couldn't even bring myself to look at him and there was no way I was about to respond. I didn't think words were even possible at the moment. I turned to look out the window, watching the scenery go by as my parents chattered away about Florida and police work.

Charlie grabbed the luggage from the trunk before Phil could get to it once we arrived back at the house. I tried to catch up to Renee as she continued to talk Charlie's ear off, but I couldn't move quickly enough and suddenly there was a heavy arm slung over my shoulder. My first reaction was to scream bloody murder, but I bit it back, knowing that my parents wouldn't understand why I was yelling.

"Hey, Princess. How's your time in Forks been so far? Your mother and I have missed you _so_ much down in Jacksonville." I shuddered, the tears threatening to spill as I tried to fight back the panic that came with him touching me again. It was happening all over again and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

**Thoughts? Questions? Comments? Review and let me know! I love to hear from ya'll. :)**

**peace & grace  
**


	13. Last Resort

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Shout out to my betas, Maddux and Owlpostagain for being amazing! :)  
**

**Chapter 13:**** Last Resort**

_Cut my life in two pieces,_

_this is my last resort._

_Suffocation,_

_no breathing,_

_don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding,_

_this is my last resort._

_Last Resort – Papa Roach_

"Oh! I forgot my purse!" I ducked away from Phil with a sigh of relief and moved quickly towards Charlie as my mother turned back towards the car. I took the key from his hand as he struggled with the bags. My hands were shaking as I tried to fit the key into the lock and open the door. I knew it was lucky that Charlie was having a hard time with the bags, otherwise he would have asked why I was shaking.

I tried to cover up my relief as the door finally swung open and I stumbled inside to the kitchen. I had made up a bed for my mom and Phil in the den with the television so Charlie immediately dropped off their bags there and then plopped down in one of the kitchen chairs. I didn't bother sitting down, instead choosing to gather up an assortment of ingredients for lunch, since we hadn't stopped to eat on the way back.

It didn't take long for my mom and Phil to walk into the kitchen, chatting animatedly about the different things they wanted to do while they were here. I was surprised they came up with as much as they did. There really wasn't much to do around Forks or Port Angeles, but it seems they had found enough to keep them busy, even on the cold November days.

"Would you like some help with lunch, honey?" Renee came to stand next to me and watched as I laid out the bread for the four of us. I shook my head 'no,' but she didn't seem to notice because she grabbed the turkey and began to lay it out before I could stop her.

"So, tell me about school. Have you made any new friends?" She didn't look at me as she spoke, but I could tell she was looking me over whenever she thought I wasn't paying attention. She wanted to know if I had started up again after leaving therapy. If only she understood, but she didn't and I couldn't tell her.

"Yeah, Alice, Edward, and Emmett are my friends. They are siblings. They're really nice. School's fine too." Renee frowned, obviously not happy with my short response. I never had lived up to her expectations of being a girl. She wanted someone to gossip with about boys and whatever else girls gossiped about. There had once been a time that I would have done anything to fulfill her desire for _that_ kind of girl, but it hadn't lasted long. It just wasn't me to be like that.

"How's Jacksonville?" I inquired, knowing this would get me off the hook. I didn't have to speak again until after lunch as she went on and on about her new hobbies and all the adventures she had gotten into since I'd left. I really couldn't bring myself to look that excited, but Charlie's reactions seemed to cover up my own lack of enthusiasm. It was easy to see that Charlie had never really gotten over my mom. I just hoped that Phil didn't notice that or take offense to it.

"Bella?" I looked up, startled as my name was called. All three of them were staring at me, awaiting some kind of answer. My signature blush crept up my neck to my cheeks.

"Um, what…?" I whispered. Renee chuckled and rested her hand on mine on top of the table.

"Pay attention, honey. Phil and I were just wondering if you would like to go to Port Angeles with us for a movie. I already mentioned it twice, are you okay? You seem awfully distracted." I moved my hand out from under hers under the pretense of picking up my sandwich to take a bite. After I had chewed and swallowed I had come up with a solution to her proposal. That is, if Charlie agreed to it.

"Actually, I told Alice I would visit her today and spend some time doing pedicures and manicures. You know, girl stuff." Charlie quirked an eyebrow in my direction but didn't say a word in protest. I hadn't told him I was leaving for the afternoon, but it had been a last minute decision. I couldn't stay here, even if they weren't here. Plus, if I stayed Charlie would figure out how to get me to go with them, I just knew it.

"Oh, well, that sounds wonderful, honey. You never used to do stuff like that back in Phoenix. This Alice must be good for you." She grinned and turned back to Phil and Charlie to discuss what movies they could go see. Charlie watched me for a moment longer before giving up and focusing on Renee once more.

I didn't get a chance to leave until about two o'clock, but as I drove away, I knew it was the right decision. I was already on edge from having him in the house and staying there would only send me into downright panic mode. At least if I left for a while I could remain relatively calm until night time when I could be alone with my panic.

I never had paid much attention when going to the Cullens' house, but I had a vague idea which streets to take and hopefully I would be able to see their driveway. The drive was much longer than normal with me driving. My truck didn't move as quickly as the Cullen cars, and I certainly did not drive as quickly as they did. I never found it that exciting to drive fast just for the hell of it. Alice must have seen me coming because I didn't have any trouble seeing their driveway – there was a large wooden sign that read 'Cullen Residence' right when I needed it.

That certainly hadn't been there any of the other times I had visited. As soon as I pulled up to the house, Alice was bouncing out the front door to greet me. She was so bubbly and in that moment I wished I could feel the way she seemed to everyday. How wonderful would it be to finally be happy and without fear? I shook my head and cut the engine.

Those thoughts wouldn't get me anywhere. I was wishing for the impossible. Before I could open the door, it was being opened for me and Alice was tugging me out of the truck to hug me.

"I was going to come see you today, but suddenly you were here! Oh, I'm so excited! How is your mom? And your step-dad?" I cringed and backed up. I didn't want to talk about them. I came here to get away from all of that. Her bouncing lessened, but her smile was just as brilliant. She led me inside where Esme, Emmett, and Edward were waiting. They were all chatting animatedly as they sat on the couches in the living room. Edward stood and moved towards us as we entered.

For some reason Esme looked extremely happy about something as she watched Edward.

"Bella. How are you?" I could see the concern in his expression as he took my hand. I smiled, the comfort of his touch soothing the stress of the first half of my day. Alice had moved to speak to Emmett and Esme. I couldn't hear what they were saying.

"I'm alright. You?" He smiled and turned to lead me towards the couches.

"Better now." I glanced at him, confused at his statement. What had happened before that he was better now? Esme smiled at me and I smiled back as Edward and I sat down together.

"Hey, Bella. We were just talking about going shopping today in Port Angeles. Wanna join us?" Emmett stood as he spoke, along with Esme, but waited for my answer. I hadn't thought about what they may have been doing today. I began to feel the tendrils of guilt creep up as I thought over what I may have interrupted. What if they were having a family day and I had just shown up unannounced? I really should have called or just stayed at home.

"Are you all going?" I couldn't go to Port Angeles, not if Renee and Phil were going to be there as well. I came here to get away from them, but instead, I wasn't thinking and I interrupted their day. Alice came to sit beside me, catching my attention.

"Don't go home. I don't think Edward was going to come with us. Were you?" Edward shook his head 'no,' and I relaxed minutely.

"Is it okay if I stay? You can do whatever you were going to do, I promise. I won't bug you, I just-" I cut myself off, unsure of what to tell him and why I showed up here so unexpectedly. I fixed my gaze to the floor as I considered my options. What if he had something he had to do as well? Why hadn't I thought this through? Edward squeezed my hand gently and I lifted my gaze, forcing myself to slow down and wait to see what he says.

"It's fine with me, Bella. I wasn't going to be doing much anyway. Mostly just practicing the piano and studying." Well at least he wasn't doing much. Though I didn't understand why he was studying during Thanksgiving break. It's not like we had school or any tests when we returned.

"Okay." I whispered.

Alice, Emmett, and Esme were out the door and on their way to Port Angeles less than five minutes later. The house was so still and silent without them. I was used to having Emmett's booming voice and Alice's constant chatter, but with just Edward and me, it was so peaceful.

"Would you like to create our own little art room here somewhere?" His soft tone cut into my thoughts and I immediately perked up. That would be a wonderfully relaxing thing for me to do at the moment. Art was something that worked to relieve my stresses and emotions. It would be especially enjoyable since I wouldn't have to worry about class or intruders. It was just Edward and me.

Edward tugged me off the couch quickly and led me upstairs to a small room on the second floor. The entire room was created to be a space for art, whether you wanted to make art or just post it there. He showed me where all the paper and brushes were before pulling out his own utensils - mainly a pencil - to begin drawing.

Before I set myself up for painting, I walked around the room just to take in all the art on the walls. A lot of the paper posted had to do with house renovations, but there was a lot that was drawn and I knew those were created by Edward. There were drawings of old wooden houses, dark streets, people in top hats walking down the darkened alleyways, and then I came upon one that made me pause in surprise.

I was staring at me again. This time, though, there was a background of wild flowers. I was sitting in the meadow. My expression was smooth, but my eyes gave me away as they reflected my fear and overall sadness. I studied the picture, leaning in a bit closer. I froze, my mouth hanging open. There, in the drawing, I could see a sliver of my skin that was uncovered on my arm, and hiding there were a few white scars. They were drawn just as precisely as the rest of me. It was such a small detail and yet he had known to draw it. The panic was rising as I considered how he would know.

Edward appeared beside me as I leaned back from the drawing. I couldn't look at him as I moved robotically back to my chair. How could he have known? I went through all the options, staring at the paper in front of me blankly. He was watching me, I could feel it, and then it dawned on me. He must have heard it in Alice's thoughts that day when she had seen them. She hadn't been able to hide it well enough.

So, if he knew, why was he still acting as though I were normal? Why did he still want to be friends with me? How could he even stand to be near-

"Bella… is something wrong?" My head snapped up as he spoke, the fear plain on my face. He was beside me in the next instant, his arms around me as he tried to comfort me, but his touch only reminded me of what he knew. I pushed him away, ignoring the flash of hurt that crossed his features as I stepped to the other side of the room.

"How long have you known?" I challenged, but I couldn't look him in the eye. He stepped towards me and I stepped back. The hurt came back into his expression. This was familiar, this had happened before, somewhere. I could feel the images floating back up into my mind, images of the dream in the meadow when Edward had drawn me, scars and all. This had already happened while I slept. Could it possibly be the same? Could he accept my scars? Did he already accept my scars?

"Known what…? Bella, I don't understand…" I took a small step towards him, but didn't get close enough for him to touch me again. Before he could ask what I was doing I slowly lifted up one of my sleeves, the one with only the old white scars. There was no surprise or shock on his features, only realization as he glanced at my scars and then back up at my face.

It was like they didn't even affect him.

"How long have you known?" I demanded, holding my arm out for him to see. He understood now what I was asking. He tried stepping closer, but I pulled down my sleeve and stepped back. I didn't want to see him hurt, but I had to know how he found out. Was it Alice who had accidentally told him, or had he figured it out himself?

"I- well, when Alice came home that night she tried to hide it, but I caught a glimpse of what had happened that morning, and after that, I realized what she had seen was true. Sometimes your sleeves would slide up a bit and I could see. I'm sorry I didn't tell you… it doesn't bother me, I mean I want to know what happened to cause that, but I care for you, no matter what. Nothing is going to change that." I wasn't sure how to respond to that. It went against everything I believed about myself. It went against how I saw Edward and my thoughts on how he felt about me. I was sure he wouldn't understand or want to stick around once he found out. This didn't make sense.

I moved back to my chair, not allowing myself to touch him, even though I wanted to. I wanted to tell him that it was all okay, but I wasn't sure wasn't sure how I was feeling. I was confused and my thoughts were all tangled up.

Edward sat next to me in another chair, respecting my need for space. I knew I needed to say something, he was waiting for me to respond to what he had said. It wasn't his fault, it was his gift and it wasn't like he could turn it off. I finally turned to look at him.

"It's okay. I'm okay. I'm sorry I freaked out. I just didn't think… Alice was the only one who knew… I-" I couldn't tell him that I thought he wouldn't be friends with me if he knew. That would only reveal my trust issues, if he wasn't aware of those already. Edward reached out and wrapped his hand around mine in a comforting gesture.

"How about we work on some art? If you feel like talking about it, we can, and if not, then there is no pressure, okay?" I nodded and Edward grabbed his paper and pencil so he could work beside me instead of across the table. I was still feeling a bit chaotic but I knew painting would help and maybe, just maybe, the art would help me be able to talk to Edward about my scars.

Once I had set up my paints on the large, wooden table, I slipped into our own comfortable, artistic atmosphere. We didn't speak much, choosing to focus on our respective works instead, but it was soothing to sit with him in silence. Here was safe and warm. There was a tinge of true happiness when it was just the two of us. Edward knew about some of my biggest fears and he had comforted me through several breakdowns, and he still wanted to be around me. Though it took some time, trust was something I was starting find with him, just as I had with Alice.

The colors of my painting began to pull together as I focused on the paper in front of me. The colors on the paper were different, lighter, as the painting took shape. It was new and different. I knew that this painting would be a gift, created as a thank you. For most of the painting, I had go by memory, but once I got to Edward, I could merely look over at him and paint. It took almost an hour and a half to finish, but once I was done I found that I was much calmer than I had been.

I set down my paintbrush with a sigh and turned to watch what Edward was working on. The paper in front of him was almost complete; it seemed he was only tweaking his drawing, changing what he thought needed to be changed. The entire page was covered in an interesting design of dark and light fused together. I could see the shadowed and haunting faces of his family swirling into the page, faint and yet still visible. It was like a whirlpool of pencil as your mind picked out the drawings within.

"That is beautiful," I commented, and Edward smiled before putting down his pencil and facing me.

"Thank you. What did you paint?" I quickly lifted my painting, hiding it from view until I could explain what I wanted to do with it.

"I want to give this to Esme, your whole family actually, as a gift. So don't tell any of them before I give it to them, okay? We can wrap it once it's dry and I can give it to them when they return." He nodded in agreement and I turned the painting so he could see what I had done. I could tell he liked it as he studied the faces of his siblings and, of course, himself.

I had created a portrait of each sibling and yet fused them together in a representation of their family. In the back round, above the siblings, were Esme and Carlisle as they watched over their children.

"Bella, this is beautiful. They are going to love this. You know Esme will frame it and hang it where everyone can see it. Just a warning. She loves this sort of thing." I had already guessed as much, with her love of design and art. I grinned, the first real sign of contentment out of me since the day before. I felt lighter, somehow, and happier as Edward and I left our work in the art room.

I hopped off to the bathroom to wash my hands and whatnot, while Edward went to the kitchen to get a drink of water for me. He told me to meet him there.

Though their house was still a bit of a mystery to me, I had figured out a while ago where the bathroom was. It wasn't until I was leaving the bathroom to make my way to the kitchen that I realized something was off. I was being watched. I could feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up as I turned slowly to look behind me. I almost screamed as I caught sight of Alice's boyfriend, Jasper, behind me, but I calmed down quick enough to keep the scream from escaping.

"Hello, Bella. My name is Jasper. I wanted to introduce myself before you left and I lost the chance." I relaxed further, surprised at how comfortable I already was around Jasper. I didn't even really know him.

"Um, it's nice to meet you. Alice has told me a lot about you. I'm sorry you had to stand outside my house for so long." He chuckled at my words as he took a step closer and I made a move to step back, but the calm was growing, so I stood my ground. Everything was starting to feel a bit confusing as I tried to work through the sudden calm, yet, on edge feeling I was dealing with. What was going on?

"Jasper, don't." Edward's voice cut in as he appeared in front of me. He sounded extremely angry, but I couldn't see his expression. I hadn't realized at the time, but suddenly Jasper relaxed from his tense stance and stepped back. There was a lot of guilt in his expression, frustration as well.

"No! No, I didn't mean… I just wanted to meet her… How can you stand it?" I tried to keep up, but his ramblings made no sense. I didn't understand what he was talking about. What was wrong with meeting me?

"Mind over matter. She means the world to me. I would… _die_… if she were gone. How could I ever live with myself if it were my fault?" This conversation was getting more and more difficult to understand as the minutes passed. Edward had relaxed, though, and he didn't sound so angry anymore, just wistful.

"Soon. I'll be able to soon. I wasn't going to do anything. I just wasn't thinking right. It was nice to meet you, too, Bella." I blinked and he was gone. I hadn't even had the chance to respond or smile, nothing. Edward turned to me and led me to the kitchen. He wasn't angry anymore, just worried, I could see it in his eyes. He motioned for me to sit down and handed me the glass of water with a small smile.

After about a half hour of Edward trying to avoid my questions about Jasper, we finally returned to the art room to wrap my painting and get it ready for when the others returned. Edward said that they would be home in about a half hour. I slid the paper into a large envelope and wrote a short note to the family about why I was giving them the painting. It wasn't much but I hoped it would at least convey my gratitude for all they'd done for me the past few months.

Edward took me home after that, promising that his family would get to see my gift once they returned. He helped me make dinner for Charlie and myself before heading home. Charlie didn't seem entirely pleased with Edward's presence, but he was polite about it since Edward was helping make dinner. Luckily, Phil and Renee had already left for Port Angeles by the time I returned home, so Edward hadn't met them.

The rest of the night passed quickly, with very little sleep, as I watched my door vigilantly, and the next day I awoke to the sound of Renee and Phil discussing what to make for lunch. I had only managed to catch four hours of sleep total, and I was already exhausted. Even with the exhaustion, I barely said hello to my mom before I was out the door to shop for Thanksgiving dinner, which was only two days away. I would start prepping everything tomorrow as a distraction. Hopefully that would keep me safe from any unwanted attention.

The trip took twice as long as it normally would, since I was stalling for time, and thankfully, by the the time I returned home, Charlie was there with a pizza for dinner. That night Charlie made sure I spent my time with Renee and we watched Casablanca together before I headed off to bed. It no longer truly reminded me of my mother, instead all I could think of was Edward as the movie unfolded. One experience seemed to trump all the rest in this case.

I spent another night with very little sleep, but nothing out of the ordinary occurred, for which I was grateful. I would gladly spend all my nights awake if it meant he would leave me alone. That morning I ate a quick breakfast and began to prep the food for tomorrow so that I wouldn't leave all the cooking for one day. I had learned my lesson on that mistake a long time ago.

The food preparation and cooking took almost a full three hours, and afterward, Alice stopped by to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving and spend some time with me. She gushed over the painting I had given them for a while which only served to embarrass me in front of Renee and Phil. Of course, Renee took up most of Alice's time while I merely sat around and listened, but it was better than being alone with Renee and Phil.

Alice seemed a bit on edge as she left, inquiring in a whisper if I was sure that I would be okay. I reassured her and she left about the same time that Charlie returned from work. So far I had avoided anything too awful, not that I could possibly get through this visit unscathed. With my luck, it just wasn't possible.

I started dinner about that time, making a pasta dish since we were going to eat turkey the next day. Charlie seemed quite a bit happier now that he was off work the next few days, and I was just ready for the halfway point of their visit to be over. It wasn't until I went to bed that night that I knew I wasn't going to be able to stay up again.

It didn't matter how fearful or on edge I was. I had gone without much sleep for the past three or four nights, and it was finally catching up to me. As soon as I laid my head down I was drifting. I tried a few times to sit up, but then I would fall asleep sitting up, so I laid back down and gave up, closing my eyes and drifting once more.

As soon as the door to my bedroom opened I knew something wasn't right. I shot up in bed, my gaze trained on the door as the one person I didn't want any where near me slid inside and shut it almost silently. I considered screaming, calling for help, but it seemed like he would have the advantage on that one. There were excuses, reasons as to why he could be here that they would accept. Who was actually going to believe that my mom married someone as evil as Phil?

"Don't come near me," I warned, backing up against the wall as he grinned at me.

"Oh, princess. How can you say that? Haven't you missed me? Because I've missed you." I briefly considered grabbing my scissors, but I knew I couldn't overpower him. He was much bigger than I was. I pressed myself into the wall, wishing this wasn't happening again. He stepped forward, moving toward me slowly, but surely. My breathing spiked as I tried to melt into the wall behind me. I wished it would swallow me up and protect me from him, but that would never happen.

"Get out. Please. I don't want you near me." My voice was low, my tone so obviously frightened as he got even closer until he was sitting on the bed.

"Lay down, Princess. We have a lot of catching up to do." I tugged weakly as he grabbed my wrist and yanked me away from the wall. There wasn't a lot of fight left as he laid me down and uncurled me from my safety position. I was so tired and he was so much stronger.

"Your mom and I were so worried when we found out you were hurting yourself. Ruining that beautiful skin of yours-" I tuned him out, staring at the ceiling, the shame rising, as he lifted my pajama shirt up. His words drifted in and out of focus as I tried to squirm away from his grasp, but it was no use. There was no point.

"…hurt us…can't run…mine… find you…" I felt his fingers hook into my pajama pants and he slid them down my legs to my ankles. I held back a sob as the tears began to fall.

"Please, stop." I wasn't above begging as I lay at his mercy. There was no sound as he stopped talking. I knew he was looking, inspecting me as he always did. Suddenly, I heard a low thud and then the silence reigned once more. I froze and waited for him to continue his torture but it never came.

I had to build up my courage, but after a few minutes I finally opened my eyes to the dark room. I sat up slowly, scanning the room in confusion. That was when I saw him, Phil, on the floor, motionless. I yanked down my shirt as quickly as could, fixing my clothes. What was I supposed to do now? How had he gotten on the floor? What would I tell Charlie and Renee?

I could feel the panic creep up until it dawned on me. I was free of him, maybe for life if he was dead. A silly grin crept across my face as I stared at the form on my floor. What did it matter what they thought? I was free.

"Bella? We need to get you out of here. Come with me?" I gasped, stifling my scream as a deep voice spoke in my room. I wasn't alone and, apparently, I wasn't free.

**Thoughts? Questions? Comments? Review and let me know!**

**peace & grace  
**


	14. Wash Away Those Years

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright intended.**

**This is a shorter chapter, fyi. I didn't want to leave anything too cliff hangy because I will not be able to update next week. I will be out of town, computerless and internetless. My sincerest apologies. I will try to update as soon as possible when I get back!**

**Thank you to my betas Maddux and Owlpostagain, ya'll rock!  
**

**Chapter 14:**** Wash Away Those Years**

_She came calling,  
One early morning,  
She showed her crown of thorns,  
She whispered softly,  
To tell a story,  
About how she had been wronged,  
As she lay lifeless,  
He stole her innocence,  
And this is how she carried on,  
This is how she carried on..._

_Well I guess she closed her eyes,  
And just imagined everything's alright,  
But she could not hide her tears,  
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years,  
They were sent to wash away those years._

_Wash Away Those Years – Creed_

"W-who are y-you?" I backed up so that I was against the wall. At least they couldn't sneak up on me. I was shaking violently as my gaze shifted around the room. I couldn't see any outlines, it was as though whomever was here was completely invisible.

"You don't remember me? Bella, we met a few days ago." A few days ago? I tried to think back through the haze of stress and fear to this recent meeting, but nothing was coming to mind. I was too scared to recall properly. The room began to spin as my breathing grew heavier. I couldn't see right, and everything was so confusing.

"…can't see…you…" I managed to get out before I had to slide down the wall. I knew I was hyperventilating, but there wasn't much I could do to stop it. It was all too much. My vision began to go as the darkness closed in, but before I fell into unconsciousness, I could see Jasper step out of the shadows, a worried expression on his face. He was right, I had met him a few days ago.

I felt as though I were floating, the wind pushing against me, yet there was no sound. The world was silent as I moved through the blackness. Somehow I made no noise as I moved through the dark, but it wasn't important. There was a sense of urgency to my travels. I ran with a purpose because I was worried… frightened? Yet, I couldn't figure out what I was worried about.

I was moving so quickly that I couldn't keep up with what I was doing. I could see pin pricks of light stabbing at my eyes as the wind continued to rush past with no sound. It wasn't until the light grew to unbearable amounts that everything went black again. I relaxed once more in relief. The light had been painful and confusing. At least in the darkness I could float in peace.

"Bella, honey…" The voice that spoke was loud after spending so much time in the silence. I had been floating for a lifetime it seemed, maybe years, months, days, or hours. Time had no meaning in the silence. Nothing mattered here as I floated along. There was nothing before and there would be nothing afterward, if there was an afterward. So what was with the voice?

"Bella… wake… okay…" The voice shifted to something deeper and something tugged within me, telling me to fall from my floating perch and wake up. The tugging grew more forceful as the voice continued to speak in soft tones. I wanted to leave my place of nothing for this voice, but I didn't understand why. What did this voice mean to me?

There was a slight movement and then I was being moved into cold arms. Abruptly, I was no longer floating. It was like I had fallen without even realizing it.

My body burrowed itself closer to whomever was holding me, the feeling of warmth in their arms capturing my attention. I needed to open my eyes and remember once again.

It took a few minutes for me to actually open my eyes, but all I could see was the blue stripes of a button up shirt. That didn't really help me keep my eyes open.

"Bella? Sweetheart? You're safe now. Please look at me…" It was the voice again. How could I refuse such a voice? I lifted my head slightly, slowly lifting my eyes as well until I was met with the most beautiful sight, and then I felt it. All the memories slammed right back into me. There was a beginning and an end and not all of it was happy or simple.

"Edward…" He smiled, his eyes practically glowing as he just looked at me.

"Phil…?" His smiled immediately dropped off into an angry scowl, and I could feel him tense up beside me. He knew then, he had found out somehow. Why was I here? How had they found me at that moment?

"Emmett says he is still unconscious in your room. Charlie and Renee are still asleep. But, Bella, none of that matters now. You are safe here, he can't get you here." That didn't answer any of my confusing thoughts. I was still confused. Why was Emmett watching Phil?

"How- how did I get… here?" I looked around the room, a room I was actually rather familiar with. I was in Edward's room. I glanced back up at Edward and he looked… confused, which was nice since I was just as confused by it all. The last thing I could remember was the thud and the intruder. What happened?

"Don't you remember? Jasper brought you here. He said he believed you had hyperventilated and passed out but that you had no serious injuries. Carlisle, of course, confirmed that." As soon as he said it, I remembered seeing Jasper before everything blacked out. It had all been rather confusing on my end, especially since I couldn't breathe since I was in such a panic. I tilted my head down, breaking away from Edward's gaze to stare at his shirt while I thought it all out.

What would happen now? Edward told me I was safe, but Phil isn't dead, Emmett had said he was unconscious and I knew he would never leave me alone as long as he was alive. How can I escape someone that intent upon keeping me around?

"Alice wants to know if she can come see you now." I glanced up, his words breaking me out of the rush of thoughts going through my head. I nodded, but before he said a word, Alice was bounding into the room and jumping onto the bed to get closer to me. As soon as she was close enough, she hugged me and told me that I was safe now. Were they all going to tell me that at some point or another? I tugged away slightly, uncomfortable with the prolonged contact with someone besides Edward.

"I'm so sorry we couldn't get there sooner, it was like I saw it, just as it was about to happen. That dirty son of a-"

"Alice! Stop, please!" I interrupted her before she could say anything else about what she had seen. I didn't want to hear about it, I had been there. She froze, completely stopping all movement as she sat next to me. She looked almost as if she were daydreaming, but it didn't look like a very happy daydream.

I hadn't seen him come in, but all of a sudden ,Jasper was on the bed, his arms around Alice as she sat immobile. It didn't take long for her to come out of it and as soon as she did, she began to bounce around again in normal Alice fashion.

"Charlie is awake and he went to check on you. He found Phil and now he is going to wake Renee to find out what is going on. He is rather panicked since you're not in your room." I felt the customary surge of guilt that I was the one causing all the panic and confusion for Charlie, and soon for my mom. I had already caused enough trouble for the Cullens and now it would be the same for my own parents.

"I have to go back and make sure they know I'm okay," I whispered. Edward immediately tensed up, holding me to him so I couldn't really go anywhere. Alice was shaking her head 'no' before I even finished my sentence.

"Emmett will tell them that you are at our house before Phil wakes up. Actually, I believe he is going to do that right now. So there is no reason to go back just yet." Once I relaxed Edward loosened his hold on me.

"Why didn't you tell us, Bella? All we want is to keep you safe and you kept this from us… I don't understand…" The hurt look in her eyes only swelled the guilt from before as I considered why I hadn't told them. I hadn't wanted to cause any more trouble, and it seems I had done just that, again. Could I tell them the full story? Did they already know?

"I didn't want to cause any more trouble… you already protect me at school and outside of school. You spend so much time on me… what about your family? Don't they resent the fact that I am taking up so much of your time?" Rosalie, specifically popped into my head as I spoke. She seemed to hate me and I knew this without her even having to voice it. Just the way she looked at me said it all. How much time had I stolen from her with Emmett as he protected me?

"We wouldn't do it if we didn't want to. Bella, you are our friend. How many times do I have to tell you that before you believe it?" They would probably have to say it forever, and even then, I doubt I could ever truly believe it. They deserved someone better, someone who could be a trustworthy and caring friend, someone who wasn't broken. I kept my mouth shut, knowing I would only upset her if I spoke such thoughts aloud.

"Can I ask you a question?" She didn't call out my silence, for which I was grateful. This was becoming much too stressful. There were too many people slowly picking away at my secrets and it wasn't easy. I had been alone in this since it started, and now they all had a clearer view as to what has been going on in my life.

"I guess… but please don't be upset if I don't answer." She nodded in agreement which helped ease my fears, somewhat, though I was pretty sure I knew what was coming. This had to happen eventually.

"How long has he been…?" She didn't bother finishing her sentence. We all knew what she was talking about, and suddenly, I was hyper aware of all the people now sitting in the room. I glanced at both Edward and Jasper nervously before focusing back on Alice.

"I-I-" Alice's gaze shifted to Edward, who was behind me, and he stood up.

"I think I should go find Carlisle, what about you, Jazz?" Jasper nodded and then they were gone. I sighed in relief and Alice chuckled. I just couldn't speak directly to so many people, at once, about something so personal to me. I moved to lean back against the headboard so that I could at least be relaxed. Though, with Edward gone, that was easier said than done.

"When he married my mom, Renee. That's when." Somehow I managed to keep my voice steady and there were no tears. It was possible that my calm moment was from shock, especially since the Cullens had, quite literally, changed everything. I wasn't sure what was ahead of me now. I couldn't even guess at what would happen.

"How long ago was that?" Of course she would want to know the details. This was how Alice worked.

"Two years ago." I hoped she didn't ask for the date. I really didn't want to talk about this any more. I shut my eyes and rested my head against the headboard as well. What did Charlie and Renee think? Would they come here to get me or would they figure it all out for themselves?

"Bella, I know it's hard, but if you talk about it, you will feel better. Just talk to me, please?" I lifted my head and turned to look at her. She was sincere, I could see that much. She honestly wanted to help me get better. She wanted to keep me from all the awful things in the world. I think she could tell I was giving in to her wish, that I would talk to her and tell her what she wanted to know. I didn't want to fight one of the few people I actually trusted and cared about.

"Did he… try to…" I watched her warily, waiting for what I knew she was going to ask, if she could ever get it out. She sighed and laid back onto the pillows. Apparently this wasn't easy for her either.

"You should take him to trial, get him thrown in jail…" That was not a good thought. The fear surged up through me as I considered sitting in a courtroom, all those people listening and knowing what he did to me. I couldn't even tell Alice, how could I even attempt to tell complete strangers?

"Hello? Are you even listening, Bella?" I shook my head and slid off the bed towards the door. I couldn't even make it to the door before Alice was blocking my path. I scowled, crossing my arms and turning away from her. I knew it was childish, but I didn't want to talk about it anymore. There was too much to go through, all the pain and fear. She wanted it all at once, but I would break going through it all at once. The stress of it all would crush me. What made her think I could tell her?

"Alice, let her out, please." I smiled and turned back towards the door. At least Edward would keep me from a complete breakdown. He had witnessed too many of those, I didn't need to go through another one. The door opened and Edward stepped inside. I watched as Alice's shoulders sagged and she finally stepped aside. I accepted Edward's proffered hand and we slipped out of the room unhindered by Alice. I knew I had upset her by not telling her everything, but I just couldn't do it, not yet.

"Is it okay if we speak to Carlisle? He wants to make sure you're okay." I wasn't particularly pleased with seeing another person who was aware of my scars, but I knew it was smart to make sure I wasn't injured or anything. I didn't recall any severe pain or injury, but I also hadn't remembered how I had arrived at the Cullens' house, so I suppose my memory wouldn't be the best thing to trust at the moment.

Edward led me down the hall to the second floor, stopping in front of a dark wood door.

"Come in." Edward opened the door, revealing a tastefully done study with each wall covered in books. Now this would be my ideal room. A room where I was safe and surrounded by things to read. I could get lost in the books and never have to deal with the outside world, except for the basic necessities, of course. Carlisle motioned for us to sit down in the chairs in front of the large desk he sat at. The file on his desk suggested he was reading a patient's medical file. I had seen plenty of those in all my trips to the hospital.

"Well, Bella. Everything looks normal to me. I looked you over when Jasper brought you in, and I wanted to tell you myself that you were not injured in this incident, fortunately. Do you remember arriving here with Jasper?" He leaned back, closing the file on his desk, which may have been mine, and steepled his fingers together as he watched Edward and I.

"Edward explained, but I don't really remember very well." Carlisle nodded, looking thoughtful for a moment before focus back on us.

"I know Alice has already made an attempt to convince you to press charges, but I too wanted to convince you of that course of action. He needs to be locked away and this time we can't do it for you. We will help you as best we can, but, Bella, this has to come from you. You are the one who can lock him away for good. He would never come near you again." I tried not to listen, but what he said made sense. Yet, to put Phil in jail, I would have to be confident enough to tell an entire courtroom my story, and I just wasn't ready for that yet.

I jumped slightly at a knock on the door behind Edward and I. Before Carlisle could attempt to tell the knocker to come in, Emmett came bounding into the room with a grim expression, which was rather uncharacteristic of my bodyguard. He looked at me for a moment, nodding in greeting, and then turned to Carlisle.

"I told Charlie and Renee that Bella was at our house and that they should probably deal with Phil now. Before that I merely watched to make sure that he stayed unconscious on the floor until Charlie and Renee woke up to find him…"

_"I'm sorry, Chief Swan, it's not my story to tell. My mom and dad will watch over her for the next few days, and once your guests leave, she will come back to stay with you." Emmett shifted once again to keep up the human facade. Chief Swan narrowed his eyes, contemplating the sincerity of Emmett's words, no doubt._

_ "Does this have to do with the fact that I found Phil, unconscious, in her room this morning? Do you know what happened?" Emmett shook his head before waving goodbye and driving away. He ditched his car not far from the house and ran back to see what Chief Swan would do._

_ "-don't understand. Why would he be in her room? Renee, did something happen in Phoenix?" The concern in Chief Swan's voice was unmistakeable. He had begun to think the worst._

_ "I am just as clueless as you on this, Charlie. There must be an explanation though. There has to be." Her voice tapered off into a whisper as they made their way up the stairs and into Bella's room. Phil still hadn't moved from the spot where he had dropped to when Jasper had hit him. Renee disappeared to get some water before returning to splash it on Phil and wake him up. It didn't take too long before Phil was groaning and rolling over onto his back._

_ "Where am I?" He sounded groggy and extremely disoriented as he glanced, bleary-eyed, around the room. Then he froze, tensing up as he slowly turned to look back at Chief Swan and Renee._

_ "Why am I in Bella's room?" Renee immediately threw her arms around him, trying to comfort him in his supposed confusion._

_ "Oh, honey, I think you were sleepwalking again. Did you hit your head?" The growing bruise was already visible and as Phil touched it he let out a little yelp of pain. Chief Swan watched Phil for a moment before standing up. He dragged Renee up with him._

_ "Why are you unconscious, knocked out, in my little girl's room?" His expression was dangerous, almost murderous, as he glared down at Phil. He knew something was off, he just couldn't place it._

_ "He already explained, Charlie, he-" Renee tried to butt in and explain for Phil, but Chief Swan cut her off._

_ "No… you explained what _you_ thought happened. I want to hear what happened, from him." Phil squirmed slightly as he sat up. He looked extremely uncomfortable as he tried to look Chief Swan in the eye to respond. It didn't work very well._

_ "I- uh- well- yes, Renee was right. I must have been sleepwalking." His words were hasty, which seemed to only make Chief Swan more suspicious as to what had really happened. How long had he been sleepwalking right into Bella's room when she lived with them? He didn't say another word though, leaving the room in silence while Renee and Phil began to discuss what their plans for the day were._

"There wasn't much after that. Chief Swan seemed really on edge, though, all the way up until I left, and he hasn't come to see Bella yet. Maybe he is finally realizing that something is a bit off with Phil. Though, I could tell Renee never even batted an eyelash. She is either completely clueless or she has been ignoring what's right in front of her." Emmett glanced over at me, his expression apologetic at his evaluation of my mother. I wasn't angry though because he was actually right on track. Renee was just that way.

Emmett seemed to be done with his lookout report and quickly disappeared to another part of the house, possibly to find Rosalie. At least, since we didn't have school, he could spend more time with her, that is, when I wasn't getting into some kind of trouble.

My thoughts, suddenly, strayed back to my room and my scissors hidden under my bed. I felt a strong surge of need for them, to take care of this on my own and move on. It would be such a simple fix and then Phil would be gone on Saturday. Then, I would be free for a little while longer.

Why couldn't a little pain be the answer to all of this? Why did we have to talk about trials and past experiences? All that would do is cause a lot of suffering for my mom and dad, and even for me. I could avoid all of that if I could just get back home. I just had to come up with a way around Alice...

**Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Review and let me know!**

**peace & grace  
**


	15. Dance, Dance Christa Paffgen

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Thank you to my betas Maddux and Owlpostagain for helping me make this story presentable. :)  
**

**Chapter 15:**** Dance, Dance Christa Paffgen**

_Don't need no drugs, you're my chemical,_

_Now I'm dependent, swear I'm clinical,_

_Addicted to those glances, taking chances tonight,_

_I need a fix in those heroin eyes,_

_Don't need no drugs, you're my chemical,_

_Now I'm dependent, no not cynical,_

_Addicted to those glances, taking chances tonight,_

_I need a fix in those heroin eyes._

_She's no saint, She's no saint, She's no saint,_

_But she'll take you to your knees,_

_Try her boy, but she'll still do what she please,_

_Do you believe in science? She's perfect chemistry,_

_She wanted my love but I gave her the rest of me._

_Dance, Dance, Christa Paffgen - Anberlin_

"Bella?" I flushed as I turned only to find two pairs of golden eyes watching me silently. They both looked rather worried, but as soon as I focused on them again they seemed to mask their worry. Edward took my hand in his, the touch bringing me fully back into the present and not lost in my own room with my scissors. I hadn't heard a word they'd said after Emmett left.

"Um… I'm sorry… what?" I felt Edward squeeze my hand gently as Carlisle shifted and picked up the medical records in front of him.

"I wanted you to know that, if you choose, we can provide you with a good lawyer and that we wish to help you in any way possible." I tried not to think of how expensive that would be. It wasn't like I would need one any way. I wasn't going to accuse anyone of anything. I already knew I couldn't do it.

"I… can't. I mean, I-" Edward's gaze flickered to Carlisle and then back to me before he spoke.

"Bella, it's okay. We aren't going to force you into anything. This is, as always, your decision. We just want to keep you safe and help you through this." I tugged my hand out of Edward's and slid to the other edge of my chair. He made me sound like some kind of charity case that they were working on. As long as they kept me safe from harm, things would be all better. I scowled and stood up to make my way to the door.

"I'm going home," I announced sharply and then I was out the door and heading down the stairs. I was surprised that neither one of them tried to stop me. Of course, before I reached the bottom of the stairs, I could hear the start of an argument in the general area of my escape route. I considered turning around, but I knew where that would lead me.

"What is it about her? Please, explain it to me so I can understand why in the world we are protecting some fragile human from her own dramatic life? You'd think she would learn to grow up and deal with her problems like the rest of the world has. She is tearing this family apart, Emmett. You're never around anymore, and when you are, all I hear about from the four of you is how to help Bella-" All of a sudden the words stopped and I could hear Emmett's booming voice.

"How can you not understand, Rose? She is important. She is a part of this family whether you want it to happen or not. How would it feel if it were me, and Alice complained to you everyday about you wanting to help me? Would it be the same?" I knew I should leave, that I should get down the stairs and out the door, no matter what the consequences of them seeing me would be, but I couldn't get my body to obey me. There was a small part of me that wanted to understand why Rosalie couldn't stand me. At least now I had a part of the answer, the part I had already guessed.

"You were dying, Emmett. You didn't have another life to live. She has her whole life ahead of her and this is what we choose to do to her? We choose to bring her in, and you know just as well as I do, that her being human isn't going to work. She will find out and then our choices will be set. Death or a life of eternal damnation! What would you choose, Emmett, when she didn't even want to get involved with us in the first place?" I could feel the tears start to fall but there was no emotion behind it. I needed to leave. This house was no place for me and I knew it, just as surely as I had known it when Alice had first helped me that day with James.

"She's Edward's-" I touched the bottom step when Emmett's response cut off completely. I didn't bother looking up as I shoved my feet into my shoes and opened the door. As soon as I stepped outside and onto the porch, I could see Alice and her yellow Porsche waiting for me. Would she actually take me back to Charlie? Was I free from all that I had just heard? Had she finally realized her mistake in choosing to make me a part of her family?

"How about we stay somewhere else for the night?" Her tone was chipper, as usual, yet her expression was anything but. She looked upset, but I couldn't be sure why. Had she heard Rosalie's argument with Emmett? Had she known that I would hear it? I considered making my argument to go home to Charlie, but I was ninety-five percent sure I wouldn't win that argument so I got in the obnoxiously bright car without a word.

"Where are we going?" I sighed, my voice sounded defeated and tired, even to my own ears. Alice glanced over at me for a moment before focusing back on the road. I merely watched as I twined my fingers together over and over while the silence dragged on. I was a bit startled when Alice finally decided to speak, but I managed to keep it off my face.

"We are going to Port Angeles for the night. I have a place for us to stay there. We can stay as long as you wish if you don't want to return to Forks tomorrow." I didn't bother with an answer, choosing instead to stare out the window for the remainder of the drive. My thoughts drifted to Charlie as the car moved at a steady pace towards Port Angeles. I wanted to know how he was doing. I wanted to be sure that he wasn't worried, or too upset that I was gone. I didn't want to cause anyone else any trouble. Though, it seemed with my luck, that was impossible.

The car rolled to a stop after only a half hour on the roads. Alice made her way to the trunk before I had mustered the motivation to exit the car, but as soon as I was out, she was handing me a small bag. I recognized the bag, it was one that Renee had given me a year ago, but it wasn't heavy, so there had to have been lighter items inside, clothes or something, for the time away from home. Alice had, as always, thought of everything.

"Would you like me to stay with you tonight? Or would you be more comfortable with Emmett or Edward?" I knew she was waiting for me to tell her that I wanted Edward with me for the night, and I did, but I needed time to think and being with him wouldn't afford me that time.

"You can stay," I whispered, unable to put any conviction in my voice. Alice pouted for a moment before whirling and heading towards the building in front of the car. I followed behind at a less bouncy pace, my head down as I tried to ignore Alice's reaction. Why was she so eager to have Edward here with me? Did he even want to be here in the first place?

"There are two bedrooms. Of course, I don't actually need one, but you are welcome to pick first. Then you can drop your stuff in there. Would you like to nap now?" I nodded but didn't speak. Alice didn't seem to mind and the next few minutes, as I picked my room, were spent in silence. Both rooms were rather similar with a few small things to change them up. I didn't have much of a preference, so I merely chose one and dropped my stuff at the foot of the bed. There was a bathroom attached to the bedroom, so there was no need to leave the room – until I got hungry. Alice said goodnight to me and vanished, much to my appreciation.

I found everything I needed in the bag Alice packed for me, and it didn't take long for me to climb into bed at the early hour of two in the afternoon. I was sure it wouldn't matter. I could sleep all day at this rate. It would be better than staying awake. At least, that was my hope.

How do I explain the fear that grips me when he gets so close? How do I tell the world about what happened when all I want to do is figure out how to forget – the shame and embarrassment to be suffered in front of so many? Then to know that my father and mother would know and hear of what had transpired. Would they blame me? Was I the one to blame for all that had occurred or would it have happened to any other child whose mom had married Phil?

But that couldn't be right. It had to be me. I was the one who deserved it, I was the one he wanted with my pale skin and doll like features. There could be no one else until the day he died.

I could hear her, feel her like a whisper around me as I stood in the total darkness. The leaves would move so carefully as she brushed past. Why wouldn't she just come already? Why did she make me wait?

"Why you, Bella? Why are we to protect some fragile little human?" She was angry, I could hear it in her voice, but I still couldn't see her. I wanted something at my back, a tree, anything, to keep her from sneaking up on me.

"What are you?" My voice trembled as I spoke to the darkness, to her constantly moving form. She laughed, the peals bouncing off the darkness around me and reverberating through me causing, shivers to run up and down my spine.

"What am I? Oh, dear Bella, my family's new pet, I am those that stalk you in the night. We are not human, Bella. You have seen such evidence for yourself. Why do you stick around those who would rather have you as a meal than as a friend?" I cried out as a hand knocked me backwards onto the damp, dirt floor. My shoulder throbbed where she had hit me, her hand was like stone.

"Oh, Bella, don't you see? You don't belong with us. You have your whole life ahead of you, and yet you sit with those who would cause you harm! Do you not see… do you not know the danger that shadows your every step?" Her words were soft until they morphed into that familiar anger. I hugged my knees to my chest, not understanding what she spoke of. What did she want?

"I'm not… I don't understand. Please, stop, please…" I was close to tears as she continued to move around me, never quite showing her face. I lifted my head for a moment, searching frantically for her and then she was there, her face inches from mine as she crouched before me. She was radiant, glowing in the darkness as she glared at me.

"You do not belong here! So grow up and deal with your own problems!" she snarled, her teeth snapping so close that I flinched away, my heart rate speeding up in fear. She was a goddess as she glared down at me, her humanity, or the facade of it, stripped away in her anger. She was nothing close to human, none of them were. It was all an act for something much more sinister. I shuddered and tried to scoot away but she continued to follow me as I moved, her glare never lessening.

"But he… he…" She snarled again, cutting me off.

"You think _your_ life is so hard… _fuck off_." I was sobbing without even realizing it. I still didn't understand her anger with me, but I was too distraught to stop her before she was gone, vanished into the darkness. The silence was deafening after all her anger. I slumped down, my head thumping down into the dirt as the tears continued to fall.

"I'm sorry… I'm so, so sorry…" It was all I could do. What else was there to say? I took a deep breath, trying to stop the tears as the silence stretched on.

I awoke to muted light streaming into my room, my eyes were swollen and red rimmed. The light hurt my eyes, so it wasn't exactly appreciated as I considered what time it may have been. I groaned and turned away from the light, unwilling to sit up and start my day or night just yet. Once things were sufficiently dark enough I finally was able to think in peace.

I had told myself that I need time to think this all through. I needed time to understand everything that had happened, and yet, I had fallen asleep right away, unable to bring myself to actually go over everything again. I was still so tired. This seemed to be my constant state these days. How long could I keep this up before I fell apart completely?

Then there was Edward. My friend, yet someone that meant so much more to me. He was someone I had allowed into my life because he was the comfort I'd never had. His complete acceptance, of who and what I was, wasn't something I experienced very often, which only made me doubt it all the more. He clouded my thoughts and shielded me from all the pain that had been inflicted upon me, and all that I had inflicted upon myself.

In all honestly, Edward frightened me because he knew and understood so much about me. He knew more about me than my parents and I hadn't even had to tell him. Just being around him had told him the whole story. I curled up tighter, suddenly feeling more alone than ever at the realization that he wasn't even here.

Just a simple touch from him had a greater effect than any words that are spoken or promises made. Yet my fear kept me from fully trusting him. My fear of his knowledge made me push him away, though he always ended up pulling me back again. Was there any chance that he knew what I was feeling about him now? Was there any chance that he might-

I shook my head and stopped that thought process. It was an impossibility. So much so that it would only hurt to think of it. I knew I needed him, he had made it impossible for me not to need him and I knew it was foolishness to try and push him away on my own. When we finally lose our friendship, since this is how all things end, it will be because I have finally exhausted him of all his care and concern for me.

I sighed and pulled myself into a tighter ball underneath the covers. There was, of course, my dream to consider. Rosalie had starred in it as she snapped and screamed at me. I knew the Cullens weren't human, but had I ever considered what they were? I had considered it when I had first met Alice. I had thought she may have been a superhero with her gifts, but my subconscious was telling me there was something much more dangerous about them.

I knew why I had never really looked into it originally. I had my secrets, they had theirs, and there was no reason to break that for curiosity's sake. What was the rule now, though? They knew my secrets, at least, Alice did. Did that mean I would finally get to know theirs as well?

Rosalie's argument with Emmett came to mind, her words about eternal damnation and her anger that Alice, Edward, and Emmett were bringing me into their family. She wanted me to know that there was something more to it. That her family was wrong for me somehow, they were dangerous, and Rosalie believed that I was wrong to choose to be with them. So what did it mean to be eternally damned?

I needed a computer. Maybe that would make this a bit easier, but that would require me to get out of bed. I snuggled farther under the covers, once again longing for the comforting cold that Edward provided when he was with me.

It took me almost a half an hour to lift my head and look around the room. It had gotten darker since I had woken, and had turned away from the window to think, so I knew it was turning into night. How long had I been here? Did it matter? I supposed not, since Alice hadn't come barging in since we got here. A quick sweep of the room revealed a computer set up on a desk near the closet. I hadn't recalled seeing it before I'd fallen asleep, but I had been extremely tired at the time so I wasn't surprised.

I pulled on a sweatshirt and socks as soon as I got out of bed. It was still freezing out, and though the apartment was warm, it wasn't toasty enough to walk around barefoot.

The computer booted up quickly, giving me little time to think through what I was actually going to do when I got on it.

I pulled up the search engine quickly and decided that typing in eternal damnation would be the best place to start. Unfortunately, those two words yielded me 673,000 results and I definitely did not feel like going through all of them. I scrolled quickly through the first page, all of the links pertaining to hell and being damned to hell forever. On the second page I found the web dictionary results. The site told me that eternal damnation was a noun and it was a state of being condemned to eternal punishment in Hell.

I was starting to understand Rosalie's anger. None of the links I found sounded at all pleasant. Yet, none of the information I found gave me any answers. All I knew was that, whatever they were, it was not pleasant. At least, it wasn't pleasant for Rosalie. Was that why she didn't want me around? She didn't want me to be eternally damned?

How would they spread eternal damnation? I sighed and turned off the computer before sliding back into bed. None of it was making any sense. I needed something else to put all the puzzle pieces into place, but I wasn't sure exactly what that was yet.

Just as I was about to close my eyes, I was startled out of bed by a knock at the door. Alice would have just bounded in… I tugged the covers around me tighter, hoping they would leave me alone, whoever they were.

"Bella? It's Edward, may I come in?" As soon as I heard him say my name, I was up and yanking the door open. He looked surprised as I stood staring at him in shock. After a moment, I managed to step back, a deep red flushing across my face as I realized what I must have looked like in that moment. I already knew I was completely disheveled and dressed in my pajamas. No wonder he was surprised when I practically ripped the door off to get to him. I lowered my eyes to the floor and stepped closer to the bed so I could bury my embarrassment in the covers.

"Hey, how are you?" There was nothing but care in his voice as he stood in the doorway. I moved back again, finally sitting on the bed.

"I've been better. You can come in you know." He smiled sheepishly and stepped inside, closing the door behind him. Once he stepped inside things became a bit more normal. He sat down on the bed with me, his expression relaxed as we merely watched each other, waiting for someone to begin.

"How have you been?" I stuck with a safe topic when I finally broke the silence, looking away from the beautiful boy in front of me.

"Well, since you kind of vanished into thin air this morning, I have been discussing trial options with Carlisle. I wanted to know how long you could wait to press charges and still have the charges stick. We called our lawyer to talk to him and see what he thought. It didn't take too long to figure out. He said that the best chance you have of putting Phil away was to testify yourself. He said the chances of him being put in jail if you don't testify were slim to none." So much for a safe topic.

"Edward, I can't-" I didn't get a chance before he was speaking again.

"No, Bella, you can. Just let me finish. Jason assured us that we could wait about two months to press charges, but he didn't advise it. Of course, that is up to you. He said it may be more difficult to do since you have been in Forks for a year already and this is the first time he has tried since then. I mean, if that is correct?" I refused to answer, choosing instead to stare out the window. He was pushing me and he knew it.

I could hear Rosalie's voice in my head. _You'd think she would learn to grow up and deal with her problems like the rest of the world has. _She was right, but it wasn't that easy. Did she know, just as the rest of them knew or guessed at, what had happened to me? Did that not matter to her? Did she not understand the mortification, the pain, of reliving what had happened ever since Phil married my mom?

"I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about this now. I just _hate_ him for what he's done to you. I would have killed him already if it weren't for the fact that Renee hasn't left his side since this morning." His words were so cold and calculating with the undertone of anger laced through it. I shivered, grabbing as much of the covers as I could reach and hugging them around me.

"If putting him in jail is the next best thing, then that is what needs to happen. Of course, if you don't want to press charges, I can get him in jail for the rest of his life for numerous other things. Did you know that he has committed tax fraud and that Phil Dwyer is not actually his name? He changed his whole identity to get away from the authorities, the tax fraud charges, and his ex-wife, who pressed charges for abuse." I don't think Edward realized what he was saying, his tone was still so serious as he listed off all the offenses he could get Phil in jail for. The anger never quite left his eyes as he spoke and the tension rolling off him was staggering.

Yet, all these things weren't making me feel any better. For some reason, putting Phil behind bars for life, or killing him, didn't change what had happened. It didn't cancel it out or make me feel whole again. All I felt was empty, lost, and confused. Even when I had finally got away to Forks, where I had been sure I was free from Phil, at least for a while, I had still needed someone like James to protect me from myself. What would it take for me to be able to live my life again?

I'm hungry," I stated quietly, sliding off the bed and out the door. I hadn't eaten since yesterday, and I still wasn't sure what time it was. It was a valid excuse to not have to hear about my mother's husband anymore. I didn't want to know what he had done. As long as he wasn't hurting my mother, it didn't matter.

I couldn't hear Edward, but I could feel his eyes watching me as I moved about the kitchen searching for something to eat. I found a bowl, cereal, and milk rather quickly, so that was what I decided to eat. The small table fit the room well and we were both able to sit down comfortably. The silence wasn't quite uncomfortable, but the way he was watching me was a bit odd, considering all I was doing was eating cereal.

He looked so content as he watched me, his eyes following my every shift as I ate. It wasn't until I was finally done that I decided to comment.

"Are you going to stare at me all day, or just while I eat?" I tried not to laugh at the look of sheer embarrassment that seemed to appear the moment I said anything. He averted his eyes, but did not respond to my question, and a few minutes later he was watching me again as I stood to put away my dishes.

"What would you like to do for the night, since you slept away the daytime hours?" I sat back down, contemplating what could be done in this weather at night time. I came up empty. Today was Thanksgiving, of all days, as well. Everything would be closed and my family would be eating whatever I made – without me there. What had my family been up to for the day? I sat up, knowing exactly what I wanted to do.

"Edward, what did Charlie and Renee do today?" Edward visibly tensed at my question and I could tell he was trying to decide whether or not to tell me what had happened.

"I think I have a right to know, Edward." My voice was just a whisper, but as soon as the words were out the conflicted look in his eyes vanished and he stood from the table.

"Can we talk in the living room, on the sofa? It would be much more comfortable." I agreed and as soon as we settled in, he began to explain how the day went for my parents.

"Emmett already told you about what happened when Charlie woke up. After that, Charlie left for the station. He wanted to look into Phil's past as best he could. Renee and Phil ended up in town, shopping for some last minute Thanksgiving meal items. They spent the day just wandering around together, talking about their plans for the next few weeks once they returned to Jacksonville. What was interesting to me was what Charlie found. Our lawyer was not the one to find out about Phil's past, it was your dad, and suffice it to say, Charlie arrested him once Renee and Phil returned home. Much to my happiness, Phil is currently enjoying the pleasant living of a Forks, Washington jail cell." The smug look on Edward's face told me that he had wanted to reveal this fact ever since he showed up, but had waited for this moment. I tried to feel something for the whole situation, but all I felt was pride for Charlie and sadness for Renee.

What would she do now that she was to be all alone again? Would I have to drag her down further by telling the world what Phil had done to me? I smiled half-heartedly, hoping it would appease Edward, but he knew me better than that.

"What's wrong, Bella? I thought you'd be happy that he was in jail. Isn't that a good thing?" I knew he wasn't upset. He was honestly curious as to why this wasn't a celebrating moment for me. It must be very confusing for him not to be able to read my thoughts as he can with everyone else.

Without further thought I pushed away from my side of the couch and curled myself up in his arms. He smiled and kissed the top of my head. I tried not to look into it too much, and instead, focused on what I had to explain to him.

"It is a happy thing for me, in a way, but it is not happy for Renee or Charlie. Renee is now left alone again, her second husband having been discovered as a fraud and as an abuser. Charlie has just come to realize that his only daughter lived with such a 'step-father,' and he probably suspects that his daughter was abused. How can that be happy and good for them?" My speech sounded formal in my ears as I discussed what my parents may have been feeling, and what happened to me. I knew I sounded stiff, but it was the best way for me to handle the stress of such thoughts.

"Your parents should be happy that a man who, in their minds, probably hurt their daughter and definitely hurt another woman is going to trial, and most likely, to jail. What do you mean by 'happy in a way'?" Of course, he would have caught that. I curled in closer to him, relishing feeling of being near him once again.

"Just because Phil is going to jail, does not mean that I am suddenly a new person. It doesn't make all past issues disappear. What he did still affects me. Even though I managed to escape, I still needed- need- something to protect myself from my own mind. How does putting a man in jail change that? It doesn't. So in a way, I am happy that he is going to be far away from me for a good long time, but that is only one small part of it." I took a deep breath, hiding against his chest as he considered my words.

This conversation was the most honest I had been with anyone in a very long time, and though it was freeing, it was also very frightening to think of how the other person might react.

"You are right. Putting him in jail won't fix that, but maybe…" he trailed off for a moment, possibly trying to decide if he wanted to voice his thoughts or not, "counseling would be what could get you through all the rest of it, so that you can really be happy, not just happy in a way." I knew I had already tensed up at the word and Edward was sure to notice, but there was nothing I could do about it now.

I had tried counseling, had been forced into it by my mother, and it hadn't done much of anything. All counseling did was teach you how to lie and say you were okay when you really weren't.

"Bella?" I shook my head 'no,' and pulled myself tighter against him in an effort to convey my disagreement. I was tired of talking and this was not something I wanted to talk about. Counseling was a wasted effort, I had seen that first hand.

**Thoughts? Questions? Comments? Review and let me know! I love to hear from ya'll. :)**

**peace & grace  
**


	16. Until the Day I Die

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright intended.**

**Warning: This story contains scenes of self-inflicted injury in a very detailed manner so consider yourself forewarned.**

**Thank you to my betas Maddux and Owlpostagain! Ya'll are amazing. :)  
**

**Chapter 16:**** Until the Day I Die**

_As years go by,_

_I race the clock with you,_

_But if you died right now,_

_You know that I'd die too,_

_I'd die too._

_You remind me of the times,_

_When I knew who I was (I was),_

_But still the second hand will catch us,_

_Like it always does._

_We'll make the same mistakes,_

_I'll take the fall for you,_

_I hope you need this now,_

_Cause I know I still do._

_Until the day I die (Until the day I die),_

_I'll spill my heart for you,_

_Until the day I die (Until the day I die),_

_I'll spill my heart for you._

_Until the Day I Die - Story of the Year_

Leaving the apartment was not something I wanted to do. It would mean a trip back to Forks where my father could actually find me. As long as I stayed out of sight I was untraceable. Alice made sure of that, and she assured me it was foolproof, at least, for a little while. Yet, I wasn't sure I could handle staying here for much longer. Once we had gotten onto the topic of counseling, it was like he couldn't get off it. He pushed and pushed, listing all the benefits of going. He wanted to help me, but all I was feeling was trapped. Why couldn't he just let it go?

Why couldn't I just explain it to him? I knew this was the real problem, because even after three days of being cooped up in the apartment with him, I couldn't bring myself to tell him. It was like once those few hours of honesty had passed, I couldn't bring myself to open up again and tell him what was on my mind.

"_Please_, Edward, _don't_ _follow me_." I spoke as forcefully as I could as I made my way through the apartment.

That was what had led me to this moment. I grabbed my jacket, his protests ringing in my ears as I opened the door and headed out into the cold. It was overcast, as usual, and the wind was whipping up my hair and blowing it around, but I didn't care. I couldn't stay, no matter what the consequences of leaving were. I shoved my arms into my jacket, zipped it up, and headed down the street towards the bookstore I knew was nearby. I only needed a bit of time to myself and everything would be okay.

I was legitimately surprised that he didn't try to follow me and it was just as weird that Alice wasn't around either. She usually knew the minute I chose to do something she didn't approve of. Maybe this was something she did approve of, or maybe she just hadn't seen it. The cold was starting to seep into my jacket as I walked and I shivered, pressing my lips together in an effort to keep them from getting chapped.

I could see the book store just down the street and I quickened my pace, if only to reach the warmth faster. It wasn't until I reached the store that it hit me. Charlie was driving my mother to the airport today which meant that they would be in Port Angeles about the same time I'd left the apartment. I wondered momentarily if Phil would be with them or if he was still rotting away in the Forks jail until the time came to address what he'd done. I glanced around me, farther down the street and then back the way I'd come, but the roads were practically empty.

It shouldn't have been that surprising since it was technically a holiday weekend. Most people were probably still trying to digest the ungodly amount of food they had eaten on Thursday. I glanced behind me again and scowled. Of course, there was Edward, about a block down from the store, probably making sure I didn't end up in some kind of trouble.

I yanked open the door and was immediately greeted by the comforting smell of a small book shop with books crammed in every nook and cranny available. I could feel the tension leave my body, my thoughts of Edward fading as I began to browse the shelves.

I wasn't exactly here to buy anything, though I would if something truly interesting came up. I was here to unwind from the stress of the past week. Everything had just built and built as I tried to keep myself calm. Until it suddenly all culminated the night Phil came into my room. I knew it was going to happen, but what I hadn't expected was Jasper appearing or all the events after that night.

None of it lowered my stress levels, and even Edward was adding to my stress this time with the counseling talk. It was like everything was gathering together to push me past the boiling point. I briefly considered the possibility that they were all doing it on purpose. Maybe they all just wanted to know what would happen if I finally snapped. The idea was dismissed promptly as I was unable to see Edward actually taking part in something like that.

Of course, Edward _would_ be the one to stress me out when he was the one I wanted around the most. Yet, what could I do?

"Hey, did that book offend you or somethin'?" My head snapped up as I searched around for the voice. I hadn't realized there was anyone else in here besides the shopkeeper, who still stood silently by the cash register. I looked around, hoping that the voice was directed at someone else, but no one else responded. I turned and froze.

In front of me stood the biggest man I had ever seen. He was tall, his head at least a foot and a half higher than mine, and he was broad shouldered, practically taking up the entire aisle where he was standing. I could see his nose flare suddenly, his expression disgusted before it smoothed out again. I suddenly wished Edward was here with me as I cowered back, confused as to why this man was striking up a conversation with me.

"I-I-I was t-thinking." I watched as he shrunk slightly, stooping a bit, his face relaxing as he watched me stutter my way through my explanation. He didn't look as frightening when he shrunk down a bit. More like a college student, instead of a large man.

"Sure, sure. But it didn't seem like you were thinking about anything good. You okay?" I nodded, starting to back away so I could escape from this large boy and get back to Edward.

"I'm Jake, by the way. I go to the La Push high school. You are?" He didn't hold out a hand, for which I was grateful, but I was still extremely uncomfortable. He was pushing me, just like everyone else and I didn't like it. I shook my head and slipped out the door. I practically tripped down the stairs in an effort to get away from him only to run right into Edward at the bottom.

He caught and steadied me before hurrying me away from the small store with a scowl on his face. I could hear him muttering as we walked, but I couldn't have cared less about what it all meant as he talked about mutts, trouble, magnets, and stink. All I cared about was the fact that I was safe with Edward's arm around me. Perhaps it hadn't been such a great idea to leave the apartment. I glanced around, checking for any familiar faces but we seemed to have made it to the apartment without anyone noticing.

"Bella, do you want to go home today? Your father is on his way back to Forks now. We could meet him there." I was grateful he didn't dive right back into the counseling topic. I felt a strange tug, a longing, fill me for my home and my own bed. Phil was locked up at the moment and my mother was on her way home. I sank down onto the couch, the warmth of the apartment seeping in and making me sleepy after the bitter cold.

"Bella, sweetheart?" Edward crouched in front of me, one hand slipping into mine and squeezing gently. He was heart-wrenchingly beautiful and kind, and he was still here, taking care of me. I could feel the warmth that accompanied his cold skin. A paradox that was unsolvable. He was warm to me, yet cold. He was kind, yet there was something there that screamed danger. I couldn't tear my eyes away as we watched each other.

How had I gotten so deep without even realizing it? I was moving closer, lifting myself from the couch without any thought. What harm would it do? Nothing else mattered but him now, the two of us in the silence and warmth. I was starting to feel dizzy, my head swimming slightly and the beautiful vision before me going hazy.

It wasn't until I opened my mouth, a shuddering breath finally reaching my lungs, that I realized I had stopped breathing for that long moment. I slumped back against the couch, forcing my eyes towards the ceiling. He didn't let go of my hand.

"Okay, take me home, please," my words came out as a soft whisper. A slight shift and he was gone, into my bedroom to pack. I forced myself up off the couch to help, but as soon as I stood, he was at the door with my small bag and shoes. I sighed and shook my head.

"I could have done that." He grinned and set my shoes on the floor before grabbing my jacket and holding it out for me. I thanked him as he helped me slip my jacket on and then we were on our way back home. A dark home, one that had been temporarily tainted, but a home just the same. I knew I needed to see Charlie, I just didn't quite want to admit it to myself. I wanted to pretend I was someone else, start over and be someone new.

Home would not afford me that luxury, but that didn't mean I could just abandon it - abandon Charlie. Even with all that had happened, I knew Charlie was happy I had come to stay with him. We hadn't spent much time with each other since we lived so far apart, but every time we were together, he would do everything in his power to make me smile and laugh. Now I was finally living with him, and though it wasn't quite the same as the yearly meet-ups, he still got me to smile more often than any other person I knew.

Well, that was true before I met Alice. It's hard to dwell and get lost in my own thoughts when she is constantly holding my attention with some conversation or another. It was a bit like she knew I needed to be distracted, that it would make me happier if I could just get my mind off things for a time.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward inquired after about ten minutes of silence. I smiled and turned from the window and the blur of trees outside towards him.

"Charlie and home." Edward smiled at my response, turning to look at me for a moment.

"He really cares for you. I can see it every time I'm at your house. I can hear it in his thoughts. There is always, and I mean _always_, a strong under current of protectiveness towards you whether you're around the house or not." I glanced toward the road for a moment, trying to rein in the overall flood of gratitude and sadness that I felt at Edward's words.

"Please don't cry, love." I hadn't even realized I'd been crying until he wiped away a few of the tears. A strangled chuckle escaped my lips as I hastily swiped at the traitorous tears.

"I-I'm sorry. I just - it means a lot to me that you hear that from him, and that you told me. I don't have much experience in dealing with people who genuinely want me to be happy and protected. At least, not until recently." Edward hummed in agreement, turning back to the road, though I could tell there was something more he wanted to say.

After about twenty minutes on the highway, the car slowed significantly and about ten minutes later, Edward was pulling into my driveway. The cruiser was there, but Charlie did not come running out to us, if he was even home.

"He's inside, reading the paper." Well that seemed mundane enough, considering how cold it was outside. Edward opened the door for me, holding out his hand, and helping me out of the car. Did he do this for everyone? I had never noticed, not that he was around too many other people besides his family.

As soon as I opened the door Charlie was in the hallway, his voice frantic. This was not exactly mundane. I looked back towards Edward only to find Alice in his place.

"Where have you been? Carlisle said it was best if I gave you some time and Emmett told me you would come back once Renee left... at least he was right about that. Bella, what happened?" I tried not to cringe as Charlie hugged me, speaking a mile a minute and not really allowing for a response. I pushed away after a moment and slipped around him so I could sit at the kitchen table. Alice sat beside me, her expression calm as she watched Charlie pace around the kitchen.

"She was with me, at my house, for the past few days. She called me and asked me to come get her, so I did, no questions asked." Charlie didn't stop pacing through the small kitchen, but he was listening, that much was evident.

"This has to do with finding Phil unconscious in your room, doesn't it?" I knew I should tell him, explain it all and just be done but the words wouldn't go from my brain to my mouth. I sat there silently, trying to make myself explain.

"Yes," Alice responded for me, placing a comforting hand on mine. I exhaled in relief, still wanting to explain, but not quite ready to do so. Charlie stopped pacing, looking between Alice and myself before practically collapsing into the chair across the table from me. He looked exhausted and completely defeated. I had been the one to do that to him.

"Renee left for Phoenix today. She begged me to let her stay, but I thought it best if she went home for a bit to recollect herself and think things through. Phil is still in a Forks jail cell, though they are moving him back to California soon to be tried for tax fraud and physically abusing his ex-wife. Bella, did he ever... I mean... did he ever hurt your mom while you were around?" I shook my head vehemently and the frustration in his gaze lightened just a bit. He sat up, leaning against the table as he watched me.

"Did he ever hurt you?" I stared at the table cloth, refusing to look up. Not answering would tell him all he needed to know, yet I couldn't lie about it either. How could I directly lie about this in front of Alice, who knew the truth, and Charlie, who suspected it? He wouldn't believe it anyway. I had never been a good liar when it came to those who knew me best.

"I-I... can we talk about this later? Please?" I looked up only to see Charlie's murderous expression. He had his suspicions and he was angry, he just didn't know how bad it really got. He scooted his chair closer to me.

"Just answer the question, Bells. A simple yes or no, did he hurt you?" My heart rate sped up as he pressed harder for information. Would he demand that I tell him all of it tonight?

"Yes," it came out as a whisper but the affect it had on Charlie was instant. His fists clenched and he was out of his seat again, pacing. I glanced over at Alice, overwhelmed by his reaction. What was he thinking?

"I know this is hard but I have to know these things... can we talk tomorrow about what happened with your mother's husband?" Tomorrow... I turned to look at him. He had stopped pacing and was watching me carefully. He looked like he wanted to comfort me but was entirely unsure how to do so.

"Okay, maybe in a few days. But, Bells, we have to talk about this in order to press charges. Whether you want to tell me or the jury is up to you. I just want to make sure you're okay..." He cleared his throat and finally sat down again though the worried expression never faded.

"Maybe it's best if she eat something. You didn't eat lunch today..." I had forgotten, but she was right. Between the stress of fighting with Edward and the nervousness of coming home, I had forgotten all about lunch. My stomach growled, as if right on cue, and I stood to make myself something simple. I could hear Alice whispering to Charlie, but I didn't allow myself to hear the actual words. I didn't want to know what she had to say about me that she couldn't say aloud.

At least I could trust that she wouldn't tell him what happened to me. That was my story to tell, if I ever chose to, and she knew that.

Charlie didn't ask again to explain what had happened with Phil, and he allowed Alice to stay until after dinner. She had a way with him, that was for sure. She could probably charm him into anything if she really wanted to. As soon as dinner was over though, she left with a sad smile and hug. I could hear the game going on in the other room and I wondered if he was even paying attention to what he was watching. It wasn't until I began to walk through the kitchen that Charlie called out to me.

"Hey, Bells, will you come in here for a moment?" I turned in his direction, making my way to the threshold of the den. He turned from his game, looking directly at me with a sad expression.

"I love you, kiddo, and I'm glad you're back home now. I promise you, from now on, you are safe here." There was no sense of discomfort from him, no effort at all on his part. It was like being gone for the past few days had changed something for him. I knew I should respond in kind but, I just wasn't that person.

"Goodnight, dad." I watched as he turned back to his game, effectively releasing me from our short talk. I trudged up the stairs slowly, hoping against hope that I would be left in peace for the night. I had been surrounded by people for the entire week and I was ready to be alone again. I needed space from the outside world again. My door opened and I breathed a sight of relief. No Alice in sight, no Jasper. I was free for the moment.

I sat down on my bed, hoping to sit calmly for a moment and just be, but it didn't work that way. As soon as I sat down I could hear him, see him in my room. It was tainted, just like my room back in Phoenix. He was here, had been here, had touched me here. I hopped up from the bed and tried sitting on the floor, but it didn't change anything. I could see it all happening, over and over. What if Jasper hadn't come? Would I have finally screamed for help this time?

I grabbed my shower items, and without thought, grabbed my scissors to bring with me. I could feel the anticipation and overall need start to build before I'd even closed the bathroom door. How long had it been? Three days? I tugged off my jeans and sat down on the cold tile floor. All my scars were laid out in front of me. I bent one knee, baring the inside of my leg and studying the recent scars there. There weren't as many and they were much newer than the ones on the top of my legs.

I laid the scissors against my leg, pressing down and tugging them across quickly. It was like a burst of adrenaline coursing through me. The pain registered something inside me that felt much more real and healing than talking it out. Talking never got me anywhere. This was the only thing that made sense, that made it all fade. I pulled the scissors across my skin twice more before wiping them off and slipping into the shower.

After my shower I took some time to actually brush out my hair, reveling in the mix of the warm shower and the fading adrenaline from the scissors. I was feeling lethargic as the brush moved rhythmically through my hair. About ten minutes later I finally set the brush down, my arm aching from holding it up for so long. The rest of my body was pleased though, tired and ready to lay down.

Just before I went to open the door, I stopped. There were voices coming from inside my room, and I recognized them immediately.

"We have to tell her. It's not right to keep this from her, Edward. She has a right to know what she is a part of." There were very few times I'd heard Alice speak angrily towards another sibling, let alone Edward. What did she want to tell me?

"You know the risk. She will be in grave danger if we tell her, more so than if we don't tell her. If they find out, they'll kill her. The Volturi are not to be defied, Alice. I cannot agree to putting her in danger just so she can understand. She knows we aren't human, isn't that enough?" He didn't sound angry, so much as worried. He was trying to protect me, just as he always did, but my subconscious was telling me that I was curious. My nightmare with Rosalie had proven that. I wanted to know what they were. I had already tried to research it, though I hadn't gotten very far.

"I am going to tell her. She has a right to know. The Volturi will never find out." Her tone was becoming whiny and upset as she spoke. Edward was winning.

"And what if she doesn't chose us, Alice? You base your assumption around her joining us one day. Yet, it is her choice. Has she made that choice yet?" Silence. I reached out and opened the door to find Edward and Alice glaring at each other from opposite sides of the room. Edward's gaze snapped to mine before he looked back at Alice, his expression murderous.

"You knew... you knew she'd be standing there! That's what you were hiding from me." I could feel the tension mounting as he took a step forward. I immediately placed myself between them, not that it would help. They were a million times stronger and faster than I was.

"Alice, you need to leave now." I was dead serious and very calm as I spoke. Her expression was so crestfallen I wanted to comfort her, to reassure her that I wasn't angry, but I refused to move from my spot between them. I could not allow them to tear this house apart over their difference in opinion.

After a moment she relaxed, accepting my choice, and slipping out the window into the darkness. I sighed and moved to the window to close it, leaving Edward with me.

"Sit down, please." My tone was still very calm as I stared out the window. I couldn't see anything, but I wasn't willing to look at Edward just yet. I knew my will to talk to him would crumble the moment I did. I smiled at the sound of the bed creaking slightly as he sat down. At least he listened when I asked him to do something.

"Why were you fighting with Alice? In my room no less?" I turned and finally looked at him. He looked ashamed and a bit frustrated, though I wasn't sure who the frustration was aimed at.

"Alice came here to tell you, I heard it in her thoughts and I came to stop her. We began to argue about it again when you arrived. She knew you would hear our argument. She used me to alert you to the fact that she wanted to tell you something and I wouldn't let you. That's what she was hiding from me as we argued." I sat down beside him, slipping my hand into his and squeezing, just as he had done to me earlier in the day.

"I'm curious as to what she wanted to tell me, but you're right, I know you aren't human. I'm just not sure that it is enough for me. When I first met your family I didn't ask what made you different. When Alice protected me in Port Angeles, I let it go. The reason being, I thought that if I didn't inquire into your secrets, you wouldn't inquire into mine. Well, now your entire family knows my secrets, yet I don't know all of yours. I have always been curious, it was just a matter of keeping my life private and staying out of yours as well. I know what it's like to keep secrets and I know how shitty it is when others try to weasel your secrets out of you. I just wish you could trust me the same way I am learning to trust you." I let go of his hand, moving to lay down and relax. It had been a long day and I was still trying to push through the haze that had been the after affects my shower.

"I am being hypocritical, aren't I? I ask you to be honest with me and yet I refuse to be honest with you. I want to know what happened to you, yet I choose to hide what we are from you. I just don't want to put you in any more danger than you already are. We can protect you from your human enemies. We are stronger than them in every way. We cannot protect you from the law enforcers of our society. They are stronger, with gifts we have no chance of winning against. Even if they never found out about you, even if it all turned out okay, what if we tell you and you never want to see us again? What if you are too frightened to be near us anymore? I can't lose you, Bella." There was the truth of the matter. Edward was afraid I would run from them, the only friends I had.

"I may need time to think through what I'm told, but how could I leave the only friends I have? How could I possibly just forget all the things your family has done for me? I am finally learning to let you in, to trust you guys, and you think I would run away from that? Edward, I'm not going anywhere." The worry didn't disappear though. He still seemed troubled as he watched me.

"You don't understand, Bella. We are not human. We cannot stay here forever, nor can we drag you along with us everywhere we go. Are you going to chose now, without even knowing what we are, to bind yourself to that? You tell me you aren't going anywhere, yet we will be the ones to leave. You are human, Bella. You have a life to live, a whole other life waiting for you, and yet you wish for us to remain friends. You don't understand what you're asking for." I tried to keep the anger down at his words, but it wasn't working. Who did he think he was, thinking he knew what was best for me?

"Then tell me, Edward! Tell me what the hell you are that will send me running in fear. Tell me why you are leaving me and why you think I don't belong. If you want me to understand then tell me!" My tone was bitter and angry as I glared at him. His expression softened and he reached out towards me. I scooted back towards the headboard and he dropped his hand.

"I-I..." I had never seen Edward at a loss for words and it was a bit disconcerting. I sighed and moved back towards him.

"Please, Edward... I have a right to know. I want to understand." He sighed, the tension fading from his body as he slipped an arm around me and hugged me to him.

"I want to hear what you know so far. Then we'll talk." I almost refused and demanded a straight answer, but I decided against it. It seemed too childish to even attempt.

"I know you don't sleep, you are very fast and strong. Your skin is as cold as ice and as hard a stone. Some of you have gifts, like a superhero, except I'm told you're not superheroes. Something tells me you're dangerous, but with the list of characteristics like those, I'm not surprised. Of course ,you're dangerous, you have a whole arsenal of weapons built in to your bodies. I don't think you are a danger to me. Though, I'm not sure about Rosalie." Edward chuckled at that last comment and I glared at him. It was true. She had to hate me considering the way she was arguing with Emmett.

"Who told you we aren't superheroes?" It was my turn to laugh. This would be a very odd explanation.

"Rosalie told me." I waited for a moment, trying to figure out how to word it.

"I had a nightmare... a dream... about her. She was so angry with me for tearing your family apart. She was so inhuman... It was like nothing I'd ever seen before. She had dropped the human facade completely, but her words are what tipped me off, at your house and in my dream. Eternal damnation. What superhero would think they were eternally damned?" Edward lifted his head to look at me, his gaze piercing as he studied me for some odd reason.

"You had a dream about Rosalie? About us being inhuman?" I nodded. This was nothing new. It happened to me frequently. Sometimes my dreams were like little windows of information, telling me about things I couldn't see when I was awake. My dreams gave me insight into what I refused to acknowledge in real life.

"It's a normal thing for me. My dreams tell me things that my logical side would never accept in real life. My dreams told me, a few months ago, that you would accept me no matter what had happened with Phil. They told me that you wanted to protect me from him. It is the part where I believe them that is always called into question. Most times it is just too hard for me to actually believe what my subconscious is telling me. Then, of course, there are the dreams that my logical side throws in sometimes." It was late and I was tired, the full effect of my shower not quite wearing off. I yawned, my body slowly tiring of talking.

"Sleep now, sweetheart. We can talk about this tomorrow and maybe then I will finally have the courage to tell you exactly what you've befriended." I was slipping into unconsciousness as Edward began to hum a soft melody in my ear, the music following me into the darkness of my dreams.

**Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Review and let me know! :)**

**peace & grace  
**


	17. Blurry

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**I am switching out versions for those of you who read the unedited one. This is edited. :)**

**Thank you to my beta Maddux for noticing my mistake and editing this chapter!  
**

**Chapter 17:**** Blurry**

_Everything's so blurry,_

_And everyone's so fake,_

_Everybody's empty,_

_And everything is so messed up,_

_Preoccupied without you,_

_I cannot live at all,_

_My whole world surrounds you,_

_Stumbled and I crawl._

_You could be my someone,_

_You could be my scene,_

_You know that I'll protect you from all of the obscene,_

_I wonder what your doing,_

_Imagine where you are,_

_There's oceans in between us,_

_But that's not very far._

_Blurry - Puddle of Mudd_

I could hear them all around me, moving in the darkness. There was no fear though, merely curiosity as I listened to the soft movement. If I hadn't known any better they could have been small animals moving quietly through the underbrush, but my subconscious told me otherwise. I was surrounded by my friends. I was watched by those who cared for me and had proven so time and time again. How long would it take until I fully believed that?

"Alice, Edward, Emmett?" I kept my voice low, not wanting to disturb whatever else lie in wait within the darkness of my subconscious.

"Tell him! Tell him you have a right to know what we are!" I smiled at the sound of Alice's frustrated tone. I still couldn't see any of them. I turned around, wishing that my mind was a brighter, happier, place.

"I already did, Alice. Didn't you know? He is going to try to tell me tomorrow." I heard a huff and turned in that direction.

"Edward? Let me see you," I requested, my eyes straining to see further into the inky blackness. I could hear Alice skipping around me in circles. Her excitement was almost palpable. I reached out, hoping he would take my hand. I felt his cold touch for an instant and then it was gone. I couldn't move quickly enough to grasp onto him and, even if I did, he would shake me off in a moment. I was so weak in comparison to them.

"Eddie boy… dude, she asked you nicely… why don't you just listen to her?" Emmett laughed, the booming sound bouncing and reverberating though the dark. It was so Emmett that I almost wanted to laugh right along with him.

"I can't… she'll see…" He sounded so sad as his whisper carried to me. Emmett growled and Alice began to yell again. They were so obviously frustrated with their brother. I sat down and covered my ears, waiting for the moment it got quiet again. I couldn't compete against them in the noise department. Between Emmett and Alice, it was like a thunderstorm going on inside my head.

I started as a cold hand gently touched my cheek. The accompanying warmth made me finally open my eyes, ready to see him. I gasped, and I was sure my heart stopped for a moment as I stared at him in awe. It was similar to when I had seen Rosalie in my nightmare. Edward crouched before me in all his inhuman glory. I saw not a shred of what made up their charade as humans in reality. He was lethal and feral and oh, so beautiful.

It didn't last though. All of a sudden I was laying down, his eyes still holding me captive. I blinked as I felt his teeth at my throat, and then there was pain. I screamed as loud as I could, finally registering that something wasn't right. It was like he was crushing me as I lay in the dirt. I screamed again, praying whatever was happening would stop. I felt a yank on my shoulder and there was a frantic voice calling to me.

"It's okay, it's okay! Shhhh… you're okay, I'm right here." I could feel the air filling my lungs as I was shoved back into reality. It felt so good just to breathe as I lay on my bed, but something stopped me. This touch was not what I expected. I shifted and turned over to face the voice before opening my eyes.

"You're okay, Bells. I got ya. I'm right here." I glanced around the room, searching for any signs of Edward, but he was gone. My heart sank as I considered when he may have left. Of course he wouldn't want to stick around to watch me sleep. How completely boring would that be?

"I'm fine, Ch-dad. I didn't mean to wake you." I glanced at the clock and sighed. It was only 4am and he didn't even have to get up tomorrow. I had just wrecked a perfectly good night's sleep for him. He shook his head and gave me a disapproving look.

"Don't ever be sorry for something like this. I want to help you, Bells. I don't want you to have to wake up screaming. It's not right." He coughed and looked away, clearly embarrassed at the frustration in his tone. I patted his arm awkwardly and pulled my covers up again. I was tired and I could tell he was too. I watched as he left, closing the door behind him with a soft click and an even softer goodnight. It wasn't until I looked away from the door that I practically jumped out of bed, holding back my scream of surprise.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you. Are you okay?" I nodded, no words quite able to leave my mouth as I tried to calm down. I watched in silence as he slipped his shoes off and sat down next to me. I finally found my voice as he watched me calmly.

"I thought you'd left." I relaxed into him as he slipped his arms around me, making sure to keep the covers between us as much as possible. Was it because he didn't want me to be cold or because he wanted to keep space between us? I tried not to think about it. Guessing would only make me more upset because I knew which one my logical side thought it was.

"I tried to calm you down before Charlie woke up, but the moment you screamed, he woke up. So, I hid in your closet. It was so sudden, too. One moment you seemed rather calm and the next you were screaming. What were you dreaming about?" I could feel the blush creeping up my cheeks as I tried to come up with something better than what I'd actually been dreaming about. I knew it would only upset him more.

"I-I was in the dark, in pain. I think that's why I screamed." That was pretty vague and I was sure he would call me out on it. I had just spoken to him recently about how my dreams worked. I remembered them vividly. I looked away, staring at his chest until he answered.

"Well, how about you get some sleep and I'll be here when you wake up later, okay?" I smiled, instantly happy with that agreement, and a little confused as to why he let me slip by with my vague description.

The next time I woke up, my room wasn't shrouded in darkness and there was no screaming. Edward was right beside me, his arms still around me, as I stretched and glanced up at him. I blushed when I realized he was actually watching me, the dominant emotion on his face being fascination. I slipped out from under my covers and out of his arms so I could go to the bathroom and clean up a bit. I was sure my hair was like a haystack and I hated morning breath. At least, I hated those things when I realized I had just woken up with Edward right next to me.

It didn't take long for me to get back to the room, but he was gone. I put my stuff down and considered getting right back in bed when the door opened.

"I made breakfast. Are you hungry?" I knew it was silly to keep thinking that he'd left every time I couldn't find him, but I couldn't help it. I nodded and he grinned, leading me down the stairs with one hand over my eyes. Apparently I wasn't allowed to see whatever he had made for me.

I could smell it though, and it didn't smell like anything I'd experienced during breakfast time. I was usually the cook, so it was a bit odd for me to not be able to identify something through its smell. It wasn't like there was much to breakfast. There were eggs, pancakes, waffles, french toast, and cereal. How much did he deviate from that?

"Okay, open your eyes." He pulled his hand away and I blinked a few times in the light of the kitchen. I had just woken up after all. In front of my chair sat the most peculiar dish. It looked like a cheese wheel, but it was paler with darker speckles. I looked over at Edward, one eyebrow raised in apprehension. What had he made?

He motioned for me to sit down and I complied, hoping that would give me my answer sooner. He sat down across from me, the excitement clear on his face.

"It's called tortilla española. It's a dish made in Spain, though not usually for breakfast. It's made out of potatoes, among other things. Try it with the sauce, I think you'll like it." I still wasn't sure why he had made this for me, but I accepted it and took a bite. He was right, I did like it. I liked it so much I wanted to know how to make it myself.

"Where did you learn how to cook?" I inquired between bites of the tortilla española. I motioned for him to try some, but he declined. I could feel my thoughts splitting. There was a part of me that was still waiting for his response, while the other was going back over all the time we'd spent together to see if this was a normal pattern. I had thought about it before, but this was the first time I really questioned it. They almost never eat unless Charlie is around, and even then, it's very small amounts to keep anyone from questioning.

This, of course, had to do with what Edward was leaning towards telling me today. I could feel the impatience stirring up within me. I wanted to know why these things happened with the Cullens.

"I lived in Spain with Carlisle and Esme for a while and learned to cook while I was there. We had people taste test what I made until I learned to make it correctly. It takes a long time to get things exactly right when you can't taste them yourself. I watch the Food Network sometimes, too." He was baiting me, he had to be. This was how he was going to explain it all. I sat up a little straighter and stopped eating.

"Why can't you taste test things yourself?" He looked nervous, but pleased that I caught on. He looked down at the floor for a moment before looking back up.

"Because we don't eat human food. We can't digest it." Well, that was interesting, though not entirely unexpected after all the time I'd spent with them. I nodded and took another bite of my tortilla so I could have time to think of the next question, the right question. The question seemed obvious when I thought of it, but it seemed asking directly was the way to go.

"So, what can you eat?" The nervousness in his expression got worse as he watched me. I wanted to tell him it was okay, that I didn't need to know, but that just wasn't true. How can I trust them fully if I didn't even know what they were, especially when they knew so much about me?

"Blood." The word came out strangled, as though his body was trying to hold it in even after he had decided to tell me. I wasn't sure if I'd heard correctly. I must have because he had been very clear. I shook my head and waited for a moment, letting it sink in.

"As in… blood? Like the blood in my veins, in all living things? As in… _I vant to suck your blood?_" I tried for my best impression of Dracula, but all he did was nod. There was no laughter, no smile. He looked frightened and small as he sat before me, waiting for what ever else I would say. He couldn't have been serious. A giggle made its way out as my mind threw out what he was saying as ludicrous. It wasn't possible. Was Edward telling me that they were vampires? I could see the defeat in his eyes as I giggled.

"I-I-I… are you telling me that your family is made up of vampires? Unless you've all got some rare disease… but none of you are related!" He sighed, his expression never changing. I had legitimately upset him. I tried to stop the giggles, but it took a few moments before they complete subsided.

"We don't have a rare disease, but the myths aren't exactly correct either." I tried to think it through logically, at least as logically as possible in this situation. I knew all about them, their strength and speed. I knew of their gifts and their eyes. So why was it so hard to believe that they were some kind of vampire when it was so easy believe they could really have all those superpowers? This would be the darkness that haunted my dreams. This piece that he was giving me was the _missing_ piece.

The giggles were gone as I considered what that meant. Could they smell it? I knew Edward and Alice were aware of my scars, but could the rest of them merely tell by the smell of my blood? Did it matter if they all already knew?

"Is… is that how you knew about my scars? Can you…" I couldn't even bring myself to say it. It was all so unreal, not that I wasn't an expert in the unreal by now. Why was this so much more difficult to understand? I knew I didn't fear them, no matter what they were, but I hadn't expected this. I looked up at him and felt a little less guilty about my outburst. He didn't look so defeated since I was actually talking to him.

"I knew something was different, but most times your scars had already scabbed over or stopped bleeding by the time I saw you, so I didn't really know for sure until I saw them. After that, there were a few times where you would come over and I could tell you'd just done it. It was frustrating, not being able to say anything, because I wasn't supposed to know. Alice told me it would be best if we didn't interfere. She believes that if we can make things better for you that the cutting will stop." I flinched as he finally spoke the word aloud. He was being so honest about it and it scared me. I had never really talked to anyone about my cutting except with my therapist and that had all been lies. I had never really told her why I cut, except that I was depressed, which was actually true at the time.

"You aren't going to make me stop?" It sounded accusatory, but I wasn't feeling that way. I didn't want to stop. It was my outlet, and stopping in Phoenix had only been detrimental to me. I had withdrawn into myself, unable to control my own emotions. That, as well as the fact that Phil was always around, had brought me closer and closer to ending it all. That was when I had finally tried to move to Forks, and when it worked, there was a new hope that I would never have to see my mother's husband again. Of course, I knew that wasn't possible, but I had hoped it would which had only backfired on me in the end.

"I-I mean… I don't know. Um… what are we doing today? Wait… where's Charlie?" I took a deep breath and tried to keep myself calm. Hopefully we could drop the subject all together now. I finished off the rest of my breakfast, but before I could get up to wash it Edward was up and the water was running in the amount of time it took me to blink.

"Charlie went to the station to check on Phil. He will be back in about twenty minutes. I will have to leave by then, since he doesn't know I'm here." Though our conversation had been difficult, I didn't really want Edward to leave. I knew I should want him out of my house, along with the rest of the Cullens, but there was too much good in them, outside of what I'd just found out, to separate myself from them. How would I manage without them around? Then there was another idea as I considered the possibilities. Would Charlie want to talk to me even if Edward was here? I leaned back, trying to figure out how to get him to stay. It's not like I could make him stay.

"Do you have to leave?" I inquired, hoping the answer would be no. Edward sat down across from me again with a sad smile.

"Yes, I do. Your dad wants to talk to you about Phil, and doubt he'll want me here for that." I knew that was why he was leaving. I watched as he stood from his chair again and grabbed his jacket. I was out of my seat before I had fully decided on what I was going to do. I grabbed his hand and he froze, turning to look at me in surprise.

"Please, don't go. I can't do this on my own… please…" He looked confused and a bit shocked as I continued to hold onto him.

"Bella… after all I've told you, after what you found out today, you still want me to stay?" He seemed to be in complete denial, just as I had been when he'd told me.

"I don't care what you are. I know you're different and I know that there are dangers. I just... I can't be without you guys. I cannot lose the only friends I have, not when you all care for me as much as you do. I am finally learning to trust a select few people, how can I just let that go? I know you won't hurt me, or you wouldn't have stuck around for so long. Please… stay?" His resolve was slipping, I could see it in the way he started to relax and grip onto my hand just a bit. I continued to watch him until he nodded and took off his jacket.

"Thank you," I whispered making myself let go of his hand. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. I sat back down with a sigh of relief, just happy that he was sitting down next to me this time.

It wasn't long until we both heard the crunch of tires on the driveway and the slam of the car door. I sat up a bit, wishing the nerves would go away. Would he just jump right into the conversation or would he stall to come up with the right thing to say? I felt Edward cover my hand for a moment and realized I was shaking. I took a deep breath and tried to smile, but I was sure it looked more like a grimace.

"Try to relax," Edward whispered just as Charlie opened the door.

"Bells?" He called out before actually entering the kitchen. I wondered momentarily if he would be suspicious as to how Edward got here. Not much we could do about it now. I pulled my hand away from Edward's when Charlie walked in. He didn't seem to surprised to see Edward sitting next to me.

"You own that car, Edward?" What car? I glance at Edward and he smiled.

"Yes, sir. I paid for it myself. I just came to see how Bella is doing." Charlie nodded, glancing over at me with concern in his expression. It seemed he wanted to know the same thing. I watched with trepidation as he sat down across from me.

"Well, did she tell you that she and I were going to talk today?" Edward nodded, making no move to leave, though it seemed that was what Charlie was hinting. I could see he was annoyed by Edward's presence. Did that have to do with the fact that the Cullens had been the ones to take me away from home that morning? I would have thought he would be pleased to know they wanted to help me.

"Dad, I want him here… this is hard for me and he is one of my best friends. I'd trust him with my life." His pointed looks lessened as he searched my expression for any indication that what I was saying wasn't true. He wouldn't find any. I needed Edward more than I would even admit to myself. Charlie leaned back into his chair, apparently accepting my conditions. I glanced at Edward but there was no response. He looked very serious though.

"Okay, Bells. I know we started talking about this yesterday…" He looked uncomfortable as he spoke which was much different from the demanding father figure that had appeared yesterday. I wished Edward would touch me again, but I knew Charlie would flip if he saw that.

"Can you tell me what happened between you and that dirt-bag?" The anger that laced his tone only made his words seem threatening. What would he do once he found out? I pushed that thought aside and focused on answering Charlie.

"It started a few months after Renee married him. She left us alone in the house because she had a meeting to go to." I looked away, knowing I wouldn't be able to keep talking if I had to see his reactions to what I was saying. I felt Edward's cold hand slip into mine and took a deep breath to continue.

"He… he asked if I wanted to play a game, so we played Sorry. It felt off as we played. He would touch me randomly on my leg or my arm as he spoke. I didn't understand it then. It was uncomfortable, but I thought I was over analyzing." Step one completed. I had started at the beginning. Now I had to find a way to continue.

"Renee didn't really leave us alone again until this bachelorette party for her friend's third wedding. She was staying overnight at a hotel with the bridesmaids in the wedding party. Once she left, he had me sit down on the couch and he… he told me i-if I didn't do as he said, he would divorce Renee. He said I had to keep quiet or he would make sure Renee was unhappy forever. I-I-I t-tried to f-fight but…" I had managed to sound detached from it all, recounting the details until I got to the part where I had struggled against him. It had been no use. I hadn't been strong enough and that was where I finally gave up. I gave up on my happiness and hoped against all hope that whatever happened, Renee would never have to know. I felt Edward squeeze my hand gently and I looked up, blinking away the tears I didn't know had formed. Even that was no use. I was crying silently a few seconds later, unable to speak at all.

"I'll kill him." My head snapped in Charlie's direction, recalling his presence. His expression was deadly as he glared at nothing in particular. I could see him calculating, trying to come up with the right way to get to Phil without having to go to jail himself. My father, the Chief of Police in Forks, was considering killing someone for _me_. I couldn't let him do that.

"If I may add my two cents, sir. I told Bella the same thing, but she will not allow me to do so. I doubt she would want you to do so either." For a moment I was sure Charlie would start screaming at Edward and force him to leave me but, after a few seconds, he seemed to deflate and sit back down in the chair. Edward looked over at me as though seeking my approval and I nodded.

"Have you considering pressing charges, adding them to the charges already against him?" I shook my head, not wanting to go through the same explanation as I did with the Cullens. I just couldn't expose my shame to the world. I was too weak, too fragile, to actually stand in front of a judge and jury to talk about my past.

"Bella…" His tone was disapproving, like I had done something wrong, but that wasn't going to change my mind.

"How could I… tell all those people? Stand there and explain… I can't even tell those closest to me. How can you expect me to…" He had to understand. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I watched, confused, as Charlie stood and put on his jacket again. Where was he going now? I glanced at Edward only to find him looking awfully pleased as he too watched my father.

"Edward, where is he…?" I didn't even have to complete the question before he responded.

"He is going to pay _Phil_ a little visit." His tone was so sinister and yet so happy, though he never looked at me. My father was going to- I gasped and shot up out of my chair.

"No, dad, you can't. Please. Don't kill him. They'll put you in jail and then where will I live? Please…" Charlie chuckled and ruffled my hair on his way towards the door.

"Oh, Bells. We aren't going to kill him… just rough him up a bit. The boys sure would enjoy a little action and adventure tonight. What better way to do that then by roughing up the man who dared to lay a hand on my little girl?" This couldn't be right. It couldn't possibly be happening… I knew I should grab onto him and force him to stay, but I was in shock. This was not the Charlie I knew. He was angry and violent now and I didn't understand it.

"I trust you to watch over her while I'm gone, Edward." Charlie called as he slid into the cruiser. All of a sudden the front door was closing and Edward was holding me. There were no tears, no real emotions as I stood in his arms. I couldn't feel much of anything as I tried to sort through what had just happened.

It wasn't until I woke up that I realized I had fallen asleep. I could feel the couch beneath me and comforting arms around me as I opened my eyes. Edward was watching me as I stretched and snuggled closer to him.

"What time is it?" I inquired, not really wanting to get up but knowing I would have to at some point.

"Four o'clock. Your dad will be home soon." I didn't bother with a response. After a moment I sat up and disentangled myself from Edward so I could move to the kitchen. I had to make dinner for my father so it would ready when he came home. It would have to be simple since I was in no condition to cook anything fancy.

Edward offered to help, but I wasn't in the mood to explain to him what I wanted done. I was in my own little world as the meal came together, slowly but surely. He was right though. Charlie came home around five and sat down to dinner with a content expression on his face, though he still seemed worried about me. Edward sat down with us, but did not eat. After dinner Charlie sat at the table and read the newspaper while I saw Edward out and then headed upstairs. As I walked past my father I noticed a small change. On his right hand, a few of his knuckles were split open, and there were bruises forming as well. I looked away and headed upstairs.

I was without visitors that night as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. I was awake until the sky lightened the next day. Even after that, I only slept about an hour before my alarm woke me for school. Charlie came in asking if I wanted to attend school today and I told him I would. What did it matter if I went or not? I was up anyway, so there was no reason not to go.

I was late getting to school, and the parking lot was empty of students as I searched for a vacant spot. It wasn't until I stepped out of my truck that I noticed the blonde standing at the entry way. Why was Rosalie standing outside in the rain when she had class to attend? She didn't get out of the way once I made it to where she was standing, so I glanced up, only to find her watching me as well. We were out here alone and I wasn't sure what she wanted, but it couldn't be good considering her fight with Emmett about me a few days ago.

"Bella. I'm Rosalie, Emmett's wife." I started at the word, looking up at her in surprise. They were married? Did it have to do with the vampire thing?

"I know we haven't ever spoken and I know you heard my argument with Emmett the other night, but I wanted to talk to you personally. I know I haven't been the friendliest of the family, so far, and I'm sure you've figured out why by now. The thing is, I wanted to talk to you about my family. I thought maybe we could come to some kind of compromise. I'm tired of fighting with Emmett all the time over you, and I am tired of watching my sisters and brothers worry about you constantly, so, here I am." She was still watching me, her expression impassive as she spoke, but it was easy to see that she meant what she said.

"Honestly, the only reason I'm doing this is because I don't want to fight with Emmett anymore, and since you're Edward's mate, I might as well get used to you since you're going to be around for a while. I can't exactly force you to leave and throw my own brother into misery." Edward's _what_? Okay, now I was severely confused. What the hell was she talking about?

"So, here is my compromise. Explain to me what happened to you and why my husband and siblings are so attached to you. If you explain it to me, I promise to tolerate you and not be so hostile anymore. I'll also explain the things you still don't understand about us. Deal?" I perked up at her last statement. She knew I was curious and I was sure she was using that to get me to agree. She held out her hand, her expression never changing. She would have made a great poker player.

I considered the options as I stood outside the school. I should have been in class, pretending like I was paying attention. Yet, here I stood with Rosalie Cullen. I sighed and grabbed her hand before I could think any further on the subject. Now they would all know about me, but for that information, I would be learning so much more than I'd ever dreamed. A small smiled formed on her lips, but vanished almost instantly as she let go of my hand and started to walk towards the parking lot.

I stared after her for a moment, wondering if now was the time to follow.

"Let's go. I don't have all day." She sounded annoyed as I finally got into motion and scampered after her. She had driven her own car today, I think, because we weren't in the Volvo, we were in a much nicer car with a soft top. I wasn't sure what it was called, not that I cared. All I knew was that it looked very nice.

"Be careful. Don't scuff up the interior," she barked as she slid into the driver's side. I got in slowly, watching to make sure I didn't wreck anything. I couldn't afford to repair a car like this, no matter how small the damage.

She drove just as quickly as the other Cullens, though she seemed a bit more reckless. I clung to my backpack as we zipped down the highway towards some unknown destination. I sighed in relief when she finally stopped in a small circular gravel lot off the highway. At least we weren't going any farther away, I wasn't even sure where we were at this point.

I watched as she got out of the car and I followed suit, leaving my backpack behind. I wouldn't need it out in the middle of the forest.

She had a blanket in her hands, which I hadn't noticed before. I didn't think she needed it, but maybe she assumed I did. For someone who was so hostile and angry towards me, she seemed to know how to take care of me. I sat down and she joined me shortly.

"Okay, talk," she ordered. I tried to think through what I wanted to say, but I wasn't sure where to start. I held up one finger as I considered my words carefully.

"Well… with your siblings it started when you first came to Forks. Alice saw me with James and stepped in. I didn't want her help, so I ignored her until Charlie finally forced me to spend some time with friends. I chose Alice since she was the only one that pestered me everyday to hang out. That's where it started. She has been protecting me ever since. After they got rid of James, Phil showed up with my mom, Renee. Um… when he married my mom two years ago he began to-" I took a deep breath and forced myself to continue, "touch me inappropriately. He a-a-abused me emotionally and physically. He told me if I told anyone that he would divorce my mom and make her life hell. It went on for two years until I finally escaped to Charlie's." She didn't say a word after I stopped talking. Her expression was still as cold as stone. I tried to think of what else her husband and siblings wanted to protect me from.

"I began to cut while this was happening with Phil and it turned the touching into beatings. It made him angry that I was ruining my 'perfect porcelain skin.' At least it was better than the touching." I shuddered, trying hard to keep the memories locked up. I didn't want to breakdown in front of Rosalie. She would probably just laugh and leave me here to find my own way home.

"I think that everything combined keeps your family around. They are my friends and they want me to be safe and protected. I am slowly learning to trust them, which I haven't been able to do for a long time, and I can't imagine losing them now. Though, I'm sure they will leave eventually… I mean, they are bound to get sick of me, at some point." The last part came out as a whisper as I stared at the blanket under me. I didn't dare look up at her as the silence stretched on.

"I… I didn't know," she spoke softly, though it still startled me after the quiet moment. Was that remorse I heard in her tone? I glanced up and all I saw was sadness in her eyes. What had the ice queen finally showing her emotions? I hadn't thought she'd actually react to my story.

"I… Alice said I would regret my anger. I wish she'd just told me why. I had asked so many times, but she refused, telling me it wasn't her story to tell. She was right, but it would have saved you from a lot of my bitchy behavior. Not that I'm going to be all buddy-buddy with you now, but…" I tried to keep up, but I had no idea what was making her so talkative all of a sudden. She almost looked vulnerable as she spoke.

"Okay, you upheld your end of the bargain. I shall uphold mine. What do you want to know?" She seemed to have tucked everything away again as she turned to me, the indifferent mask appearing again. I relaxed, glad I had gotten through my past without breaking down. That was definitely a first, though I hadn't explained it in detail which helped. I cleared my throat and leaned forward a bit.

"Edward told me that you drink blood. Does that make you vampires?" He hadn't said it aloud, hadn't confirmed it. Rosalie nodded and waited for a better question. Apparently, I had to pick the right questions.

"Which myths aren't true?" She seemed pleased with my question.

"Garlic, coffins, stakes, holy water, mirrors, any weapon really, and sunlight." Those seemed to be all the way's the human race was given some kind of advantage over vampires, except the mirrors, and yet none of them were true.

"Does that mean you're indestructible?" She chuckled, but it was bitter and she cut it off quickly. I had hit a sore spot.

"The only way to kill us is to rip us apart and burn the pieces. The only creatures that can do that are other vampires and shape shifters. Otherwise we will live forever." Well, that didn't bode well for the human race. I gasped, a new question making itself known.

"Do you drink human blood?" She cocked an eyebrow at the question, as though I had asked something dumb.

"Uh, no. My family and I only drink the blood of animals, but we are unique. Our family, along with one other clan in Alaska are the only groups of vampires to do so. You can tell by our eye color. Those of us that drink animal blood have gold-shaded eyes while those that have red eyes drink human blood." Well, that explained their eye color.

"Who are the Volturi?" I recalled Edward and Alice fighting over them while debating whether to tell me or not. Rosalie grimaced, but responded.

"They are the self-appointed royalty of our kind. They make the laws and enforce them. The only law they really have though is to keep the secret. No human is to know of our kind unless they are to be changed. If they know and are not to be changed, they will be executed." That was what Edward had been worried about. He didn't want the Volturi to find out about me. I shivered as I considered the outcome if the Volturi ever found out about me.

"How did you become a vampire?" She stiffened and glared at me. I'd hit a nerve. I cleared my throat and tried again.

"How does one go about becoming a vampire?" She relaxed, though she didn't seem too happy having to tell me this.

"We are poisonous, so if we bite a human, our venom begins to change them. Once you've been bitten you will be changed. The thing is, it's not exactly that easy. Once we bite a human a sort of feeding frenzy begins and it is almost impossible to stop. You are more likely to be drained of blood than actually be changed." It was a warning. I knew she didn't want me to be changed. She had said so in her argument with Emmett. I had a life to live and she didn't think I should throw away my life just to be eternally damned.

"Why do you say that you're eternally damned?" The sadness returned as she looked away from me. This was a hard question for her. She didn't look at me when she responded.

"Because I never wanted to be changed in the first place. I was dying when Carlisle found me and changed me. I would have rather died. You have to understand, Bella. When you change, you are frozen for all of time. You do not age, grow, or die. You cannot have _children_, you cannot stay in one place for too long. It is not all fun and games just because you live forever. The thirst is unbearable and it never goes away." She was right. There were always ups and downs, but she had Emmett, didn't that help?

"What about Emmett? Doesn't he make you happy?" Rosalie smiled and finally looked at me. The sadness lessened but did not completely disappear.

"Of course, but I would do anything to be human again, to have children and live a full life, and to die. I want to grow old with Emmett and die with him. If I had to give him up to be human again, to have children, I would and he knows that." Her view of the world was just as depressing as mine was. Maybe we weren't that different…

She stood up after that, done with questions now that things had gotten so personal. I hadn't meant to pry. The car ride back was silent and I had to go to the office afterward to get a pass. Rosalie helped us both get passes, though I'm not sure how she did it. She didn't say a word as she headed off to her class and I was left to sort through the way the first half of my day had gone.

Once I reached my consumer education class, I handed my teacher the note from the office without even bothering to greet her and sat down. She didn't say a word about my rude behavior, which was nice, and it left me free to think for the rest of class. After that, I would have lunch and then the rest of my classes. I couldn't wait to be done for the day. It seemed so unimportant after all I'd learned and needed to sort through.

It wasn't until Charlie got home that I finally snapped out of the haze of information in my head. I hadn't really spoken to anyone the rest of the day, but once he arrived home, that changed. He walked into the kitchen looking rather worn out, but okay, and I didn't think much of it until he addressed me.

"Bells, your mother is coming back to see Phil."

**Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Review and let me know!**

**peace & grace  
**


	18. 4AM Forever

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright intended.**

**Thank you to my beta Maddux for editing! :)  
**

**Chapter 18:**** 4AM Forever**

_Maybe I'll never see you smile again,_

_Maybe you thought that it was all pretend;_

_All these words that I could never say,_

_I just let them slip away..._

_4 AM forever_

_Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you (to you),_

_Why don't you listen when I try to make it through (to you)_

_Goodbye, goodbye,_

_Goodbye, you never know,_

_Hold a little tighter._

_4AM Forever - Lost Prophets_

I put down the knife I'd been holding, placing it on the cutting board, and turned to face Charlie. Why was Renee coming back to see him? It didn't make sense. Why would she ever want to see him again? I watched as Charlie dropped into his chair, the exhaustion clear in his eyes. What had happened today that had him so down?

"I don't… understand?" I phrased it as a question, trying to relay my confusion as I spoke slowly. I was trying to drag myself out of the stupor I'd been in all day and this news wasn't helping things. I leaned back against the counter, crossing my arms and waiting for Charlie to explain.

"Your mother is coming to Forks to see Phil. She wants to talk to him, to hear his side of the story. She knows about the previous charges and his name change. The way she was speaking, well, she's in denial, Bells. She wants him to explain it all away." My mother didn't believe me? It was like a stab to my heart as I realized what my dad was telling me. He believed that Phil would convince her that he was innocent. That didn't register as logical to me; not that anything I'd learned today was logical.

"Oh." I turned back to my dinner preparations and picked up the knife to continue cutting the mushrooms. I wasn't sure what kind of response Charlie wanted out of me. I had been through so much betrayal and upset that I just couldn't bring myself to get emotional over something like this. Yes, it hurt like hell, but I was stronger than that. I had a group of people who cared about me now, and if my mother, who had spent the last few years ignoring what was going on in her own home, didn't believe me, then I would find comfort with those who did.

"Bells, can I ask you something?" I didn't turn around, but I was surprised that he even asked my permission. I could hear him clear his throat and the chair squeak as he shifted. Apparently this was going to be an uncomfortable question for him and, most likely, for me as well.

"Sure, dad," I responded, keeping my voice light and open. I knew it hurt him to see me struggle through these things. I hated to hurt him.

"Was Phil the reason you… ya know… started cutting yourself?" The last words came out as a whisper, but I managed to hear them. I sighed, moving to grab a pan to sauté the vegetables in. I started the flame and poured in some oil before I answered his question. I had to be calm in order to talk about this, for Charlie.

"Yes." I kept it simple, waiting to see if he wanted details or just the quick confirmation of what he'd already suspected. Sometimes less was more when dealing with Charlie. He didn't always want the details. Instead he was more interested the direct yes or no answers. The details weren't always easy to swallow, and I knew that from experience. I didn't fault him for his need for simplicity. It was something I needed sometimes too.

"When Phil told Renee about your scars and that you were… you were… wanting to die… he lied, didn't he?" I nodded, still keeping most of my concentration on cooking. It was easier when I didn't have to react to what he said. Yet my nod wasn't entirely honest. I had spent many nights wishing I could just die, so that I could escape from what was happening to me.

"Why?" That was always the real question. It didn't make sense to outsiders why he'd want to keep me alive when I was a witness to his actions, a victim. I understood why though. I wasn't human to Phil. I wasn't his wife's child. I was his porcelain doll to be played with whenever he so chose. To be used as needed. I was nothing more than a toy to him.

"He didn't want me to continue ruining my pale skin. The cuts I made would make him angry and instead of touching me, he'd hit me." I shuddered and had to stop talking, stop explaining before the calm tone I had dissolved into sobs. I didn't want to cry anymore. I didn't want to feel crazy or broken like I had for so long. I knew if we kept talking about what had happened that I would lose what calm I had left, which wasn't much. I scooped a few spoonfuls of sauteed mushrooms onto each plate and then added steak before placing both plates on the table.

Charlie didn't seem inclined to say anything else. It was obvious my words had affected him but he wasn't angry this time. It was like he didn't want to say anything for fear of what he might say or how it might sound. He picked up his fork and dug in quickly. I wondered what he might have been thinking about, besides what I'd told him. How did he feel about the truth behind the past few years?

I didn't voice my thoughts, though, choosing instead to keep silent and finish dinner quickly so I could go up to my room and be alone again. Charlie actually offered to wash the dishes after dinner, instead of heading straight towards the television, but as he spoke, I finally figured out why he had chosen to keep quiet for dinner. My father sounded like he was going to cry, his voice was wavering and he cleared his throat a few times with deep breaths in between. I had never seen Charlie cry before and I knew I didn't want to start now. I didn't even know dad's could cry. I was pretty sure it was a rule that they were gruff and unable to shed tears because they were stronger than that. I _needed_ him to be stronger than that.

"Do you even know how to wash dishes, dad?" I inquired, trying to lighten up the mood with a laugh and he chuckled too but the sadness didn't seem to lessen.

"Ya know, Bells, I took care of myself long before you came around. I think I know how to wash my own dishes." His voice was a bit more solid as he spoke and I hoped we were past the tears. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle seeing that. I sighed and shook my head before stepping away from the sink.

"Okay, okay. Well... holler if the sink overflows with bubbles or something." I could hear him mumbling as I walked away, but the lighter tone of his voice told me he was entertained by my skepticism.

I smiled as I listened to the dishes clinking in the sink, and a few muffled curse words before I shut the door to my room and picked up my backpack. I had quite a bit of homework to catch up on. I hadn't been doing so well on the projects we were assigned over Thanksgiving break. I was pretty sure most of them were due tomorrow and I had yet to start them. I sat down in the middle of the room, knowing if I laid down on my bed, I would fall asleep or quickly become distracted by my own chaotic thoughts.

One ten-page paper, a presentation, and a few miscellaneous homework assignments later, I was ready to call it a night, take a shower, and head to bed. I gathered up all of my things and packed them away before getting my shower items. I grabbed my scissors last, hiding them in the folds of my towel, just in case Charlie happened to be around as I walked across the hall. He wasn't, as usual, but I still considered it a good precaution to take in such matters.

I closed and locked the bathroom door, as I always did, before I unfolded the towel to place my scissors on the sink. I turned to the shower, twisting the handle to warm the water up before I got in. As I turned back, I grabbed for my scissors and froze. The counter was empty, pristine and white, just as it had been before my scissors had been there. My thoughts immediately honed in on Charlie, and the fear spiked before I realized that there was no way he got in and out of the bathroom so quietly, or picked the lock so quickly.

I glanced at the floor, thinking that maybe they fell, but they weren't there. My logical side was slowly pestering me, telling me exactly who took away my scissors. I wanted to run back to my room and figure out if my logical side was correct, but I knew that would only raise suspicions if I never even got in the shower. It would be the quickest shower I'd ever taken, though.

As soon as I was able to redress in pajamas, I practically ran to my room. My logical side won and rejoiced at seeing Alice Cullen perched on my bed, my scissors laid out on the quilt in front of her. The completely irrational side of me fell down and sobbed over my loss. I closed the door calmly and tried not to stare at my scissors as I hung up my towel and put away my shower items.

It wasn't until I was done with these simple tasks that I turned to glare at Alice.

"What the hell, Alice? What are you doing in my house?" She sighed, picking up the scissors and gazed at them as though trying to understand some complicated math problem. Then she did the unthinkable. I watched as she took them in one hand and crushed my hard metal scissors into a tiny ball. It was like they were a feather. She smashed them so easily. I almost launched myself at her once I'd managed to close my mouth and get past the shock of what she'd done.

"You can't do this to yourself anymore."

"Fuck. You." I growled, crossing my arms over my chest, my glare never lessening. "Get the fuck out of _my_ house." She didn't seem surprised. She also made no move to leave. I took a step towards her, ready to drag her out of my house if that's what it took.

"Do you realize the danger you put yourself in every time you do that? Not just by wounding yourself, but by _bleeding_? Don't you understand now? If any of us had been near you right after you'd cut yourself when we'd first become friends, you'd be dead. Finite. Gone. I don't _want_ to kill you, Bella, and neither does my family." I froze up, unsure of what to do. I hadn't expected that argument from her. I had expected her to tell me that it was hurting me and that it was only making my life worse, but instead, I heard about her family.

I hadn't even thought of what that kind of problems it might cause for them. Of course, I hadn't known until today that it affected them at all. I tried to think of something to say, to come back with to get her out of my room, but I came up empty. I jumped, startled, when Alice was suddenly standing behind me, her chin resting on my shoulder.

"You have the sweetest scent any of us have ever come across." I felt her take a deep breath, her nose close to my throat, along with her teeth. My heart rate was starting to spike as I considered that these could be my last moments on earth. Had I done anything worthwhile?

"To add to the difficulty, you are Edward's singer. Your blood calls to him more than any other human being on earth. He may have desensitized himself, but the part that hungers for you is always there, Bella. So will you tempt the monster further?" I shuddered, wishing I could step away, wishing I could disappear from her words, her revelations. She took another breath, and another. I was shaking, I could feel it, my body giving in to the stress it was undergoing.

"Alice." Her head snapped up, her entire body going ridged as she and I both stared at the newest guest to my room. I slumped forward, the adrenaline fading quickly, and he caught me before I hit the floor.

"Go, now, Alice." I didn't see her leave. All I could see was the carpet in front of my eyes as I tried to catch up with what had just happened. She had been so close, whispering, taunting me. She had been too close, had gotten caught in what she could smell, and almost killed me. My entire body shuddered again and then there was a blanket being wrapped around me.

"Are you okay, Bella?" I nodded, exhausted from the rush I had just been through. The adrenaline had almost completely faded as I lay curled up on my bed.

"Bella, Edward wishes to see you, to stay with you. Would you be willing to let him come in here?" The first thought that appeared as his name was spoken was calm, but then their words came back to me. _Edward's mate, his singer._ I didn't understand. Did I want to? I knew the decision was already made. It had been a lost cause a long time ago. I couldn't go back now.

"Yes." Carlisle smiled, his golden eyes watching me carefully to make sure my words were the truth. Why would I lie? My body shuddered again, working to keep its calm. I could see the worry in the doctor's expression.

"Bella... I know you're scared and I am very sorry for what happened with Alice. She didn't mean to do any harm. She loves you, we all do. The last thing any of us wants is for you to get hurt." I nodded, hoping he knew that I understood. I knew all these things already. I had forced them out of my life once and it had only hurt all of us more than I'd expected. I couldn't doubt, after that, that she was a true friend to me. There was just more to it than friendship. It wasn't going to be easy for their family or for me. Yet, I knew there was no way I could separate my life from theirs. How would I fair if I were forced to be alone again after finally experiencing some semblance of happiness?

I watched Carlisle climb out my window in a very un-adult-like fashion. It seemed very odd to see someone who was supposed to be a parent, climb out of a second story window, especially _my_ second story window. The Cullens were very lucky I had so few neighbors.

"Hey," his tone was soft and complacent as I turned to look at him. I hadn't seen him enter through the window, but that really was the only way in unless you wanted to go past Charlie.

"Hey," I practically croaked. I was not doing well functioning like a normal person. My body had pretty much shut down. It was demanding sleep and I wasn't currently allowing that. I smiled and cuddled closer to him as he settled in next to me. I could ask my questions in the morning. For now, I knew I wouldn't last much longer.

"Goodnight, Bella. Sweet dreams." I felt his lips in my hair and I knew it was time to relinquish my hold on consciousness and slip into the darkness.

xXx

Edward drove me to school the next day. He held my hand the whole way there. His silent support helped me feel a bit more confident about spending an entire day at school after Thanksgiving break. I had no idea what had circled around Forks about Phil. Did everyone know about it or had it been a well-maintained secret?

I thanked him when he opened my door and helped me out of the car. He didn't let go until I pulled away, glancing around the parking lot. I didn't want anyone to ask if we were together, because I already knew the answer. It would most certainly be no. Unless... well, I had no idea what that was about, so it wasn't even worth thinking about. There was no sign of Alice as we made our way to the front of the school.

My logical side was warning me that she was dangerous as we walked towards the school, and I tried to ignore it as best I could. I didn't want to fear Alice. Last night it had been impossible to fear her because of the shock and adrenaline pumping through my body. Would I fear her today?

"Bella?" Edward's voice pulled me out of my thoughts and I turned to look at him. He appeared to be concerned as his eyes darted from me to the school. It didn't take me long to realize that I had stopped walking, and Edward was trying to figure out why. I shook my head, trying to clear it so I could function for the day. What the hell was wrong with me?

"I'm sorry. I'm okay. Can we just go to class?" He nodded, the concern never quite vanishing from his features. I didn't want him to worry about me, about my actions. It was obvious I wasn't quite with it. I guess they just hadn't gotten used to it yet.

I was hoping the day would go a bit slower, giving me time to prepare for lunch, but the exact opposite happened. I wanted time to slow down, but had no such luck, and before long I was sitting in my consumer education class, listening to the bell ring which signaled the start of the lunch period. I sat there until the classroom had emptied out and our teach was done packing up before she motioned for me to stand and exit the classroom.

"Is there something you wanted to talk to me about, Miss Swan?" I shook my head and headed out of the classroom to my locker. I saw Victoria coming towards me this time, and tried to move out of her way, but she seemed bound and determined to run into me.

"Hey, Bella, over here!" I sighed in relief and turned towards Edward, who was on the other side of the hallway. I could see her still heading in my direction before I finally made my way to Edward. He took my hand and led me towards my locker. Victoria made no move to get in my way again. Instead, she chose to glare at me until she turned the corner into another hallway.

"Is she going to be like that to me until we graduate?" I looked up at Edward and his stony features, waiting for a response from him. He was angry, again.

"Yes. As will her little following. They blame you for James' disappearance. Not that it matters. They can't get to you." He squeezed my hand gently and relaxed, but didn't let go until we got to my locker. I took my time placing the books I didn't need inside the locker and grabbing my Biology book. Edward lifted one eyebrow at me when I glanced at him. I shrugged and turned back to my task.

It didn't make things move any slower and before I could think any further into it, we were walking into the cafeteria. I spotted the Cullens almost immediately, grouped at their own table, separated from the rest just a smidgen. Alice wasn't facing me and neither was Jasper, but I could see Rosalie and Emmett clearly.

I watched them as Edward and I made our way to the lunch line. Rosalie had never sat at our table before. I was pretty much in awe of her and a bit confused as to why she was sitting there today. Did she actually want to sit by me after the talk we had yesterday?

"Alice, Jasper, Rose, Emmett," Edward greeted all of his siblings before he sat down, nodding at each of them in turn. I wasn't sure if that was welcome from me, so I went for a slightly more casual approach.

"Hey, guys." Jasper and Emmett both responded with smiles and a small greeting while Rosalie didn't even glance my way. I turned towards Alice and sighed. She wouldn't even look at me. All my worrying had been for nothing. There was no fear, no hesitation in the desire to comfort her or be near her. I had known since the beginning that the Cullens were dangerous, I just hadn't known why. Now I knew the exact reason, but did that mean everything had to change? I didn't think so.

"Hey, Alice... I need some fashion advice." I cringed internally at the loathed topic, but continued on, well aware that it would break her out of her self-hatred.

"Um... I actually wanted to go to the winter formal and... well... it's just... I'veneverboughtadressbefore." The rest of the sentence came out in a rush, but I could already see her perking up, her eyes gaining back some of the vibrancy.

"What was that last part?" she whispered, not quite ready to give in to my bribery. I smiled, glancing at Edward before turning back to her. I took a deep breath and dove right in.

"I've never bought a dress for a formal occasion before. Will you help me?" I knew I was condemning myself to hell over the next few days, but if it would help Alice, then I could tough it out. I could survive her fashion-crazed attitude.

"I would love to help you." She smiled, finally looking me in the eye and taking one of my hands in hers. Her eyes darted from me to Edward for a moment before her smile turned into a mischievous Alice grin. Of course, she wouldn't just leave it at fashion advice.

"Soooo... who are you going with?" she inquired, the grin never leaving her face. I didn't know how to answer. I hadn't actually planned that far ahead. I glanced around the room, knowing she wouldn't accept me going alone.

"She's going with me." I turned around, wondering if I heard correctly. Edward smiled, his golden eyes warm and sincere as they looked back at me. He was being serious. We were going to a formal together? I tried to rein in my thoughts, forcing myself to tack on 'as friends' before I turned back to Alice.

"Yep." That was about all that needed to be said. I smiled and she grinned back.

"I didn't see him asking you... I must have missed it," she muttered to herself.

"I asked her spontaneously, Alice. You don't catch everything, you know." He had the whole story figured out. I thanked him silently, glad that someone knew what to say because I would have failed at this part.

"This is true. Anyway... We are going shopping some time this week. Today? For a dress. I will pick out the dresses, unless you see some you like, and if you do, by all means grab them, and you, of course, get the final say." I nodded, choosing not to say anything in case anything negative about the horrors of shopping came out. I didn't want to upset her. I wanted her to be happy, and if this would help her let go of what happened, then I would put up with it.

"We can go today, if you'd like." She was beaming now. I chuckled, as did Emmett and Jasper.

"You sure know how to make my girl happy," Jasper commented with a grateful glance in my direction. Alice giggled when Jasper slung an arm around her shoulders and kissed her temple lightly. They really were perfect for each other. I wasn't sure how long they'd been together, but no matter how long, they would always love each other, that much was obvious.

"I should hope so. I mean, she is my best friend." The bell rang then, but before I could get up Alice had thrown her arms around me. I patted her awkwardly on the back and waited it out, forcing myself not to pull back or break contact first.

"Shall we?" Edward prodded and Alice let go with a sheepish smile on her face. She looked like she was going to cry, but there were no tears. I gathered up all my stuff quickly and slung my bag over my shoulder while Edward threw our trays away. The rest of the Cullens disappeared by the time he returned.

"Does Rosalie ever speak in a social setting?" I inquired as soon as he came back for his books. He chuckled and took my hand. This time, I didn't protest.

"She is still getting used to the idea of not being openly hostile towards you. It may take some time for her to open up. We are very solid creatures, Bella. We find it hard to change once we are set in our stone bodies. The only time I can think of where we truly change is when we meet our mates, or when we lose a mate. Those are the most altering things in our eternity," he spoke in a low voice, keeping his explanation from the students walking around us. They wouldn't have understood anyway but it was better to be cautious. There were more question to be asked though. His explanation brought up another situation I didn't understand.

"Edward? Why did Rosalie tell me that I'm your mate? I just, I don't know what that means, exactly. It could mean friends or other stuff. There are different definitions." He looked surprised at my admission. Was I not supposed to know of this situation?

"I didn't realize she told you. She thought nothing of it when she returned. Can we talk about it tomorrow after school? We could go to my house, if that's alright." He squeezed my hand gently and then let go once we'd reached the biology table. I doubted Mr. Banner would understand the gesture if he saw it. He wouldn't realize we were just friends. No one would.

"Won't your family be there?" Mr. Banner started the class, calling for our attention, but I wasn't ready to give it. Edward put his finger to his lips and pulled out a piece of paper to write his answer on. I awaited it anxiously. I really wished we could just talk about it instead of being in class, but I had already skipped out on quite a bit of class and I couldn't afford to miss any more days, unless it was a dire emergency.

Edward slid the note over to me, hiding it under my notebook in one swift motion, looking for all the world as if he were merely explaining something about the class to me. I glanced up at Mr. Banner and waited until his back was turned to open it and spread it out on my notebook. Hopefully he wouldn't notice that the page wasn't attached.

_Carlisle is at the hospital for the day tomorrow, working. Esme is in Port Angeles for an interior design conference. All of my siblings are going hunting tomorrow so they won't __be around either. Is that okay?_

I glanced up at the board a few times as I wrote to make it look as though I was taking notes.

_That would be fine. I will tell Charlie, just in case he comes home early. Are you coming to Port Angeles with Alice and I today?_

I folded up the note and chuckled silently when it disappeared from my hand. It was unfolded, read, and being responded to in only a few seconds. I watched Mr. Banner for a while, not really paying attention to what was going on, but most of the other students weren't either, so it wasn't a big deal.

I glanced down for a moment, only to find the note back on my notebook, waiting to be opened. I, again, made sure the coast was clear before opening it.

_I'm not allowed. Alice tells me that I can't see you in your dress, or the dress itself, until the night of the dance. She is a force of nature, otherwise, I would be there. I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?_

I chuckled at that last sentence, trying to keep quiet. I glance up toward the board and froze. Mr. Banner was looking towards me.

"Um... Sodium?" I looked back and realized that he was, in fact, not looking at me but at Mike Newton and by the look on Mr. Banner's face, Mike got it wrong.

"He is asking about what makes up our air," Edward whispered in a low voice. So low that I almost didn't hear it.

"Miss Swan, Since Mr. Newton cannot tell us the elemental make up our air, besides oxygen, will you please take a guess at it?" I already knew the answer to this one and was surprised that Mike had gotten it wrong.

"Nitrogen." Mr. Banner nodded and turned back towards the board.

_Thanks for the save with Mr. B. There is nothing to forgive. It's all on Alice and her force of nature capabilities. Her rule sounds more like wedding rules though than formal rules. Does she know this is just a dance and that we are not getting married?_

The note disappeared and reappeared in less than thirty seconds. I unfolded it and read through quickly.

_I don't think she understands the difference. To Alice, a wedding dress is a dress and a formal dress is a dress, therefore the same rules apply to both. She goes way over the top on these kinds of things. It's just her way. Plus, the last time we had a legitimate party/event was in 1936 for Emmett's birthday. This is big for her._

That made sense, sort of. I folded up the note and tucked it into the front pocket of my backpack for the rest of the class. The rest of the day flew by, and before I knew it, I was calling Charlie to let him know where I was going and hopping into Alice's Porsche for some dress shopping.

"Get ready, Bella. We are going to shop until we drop! Well... until you drop, at least." I groaned and sank down in my seat, hoping I would have enough time to prepare myself for the madness before we actually got there.

**Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Review and let me know! :)**

**peace & grace  
**


	19. Sooner or Later

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Props to my beta Maddux for editing my messy writing. You are wonderful!**

**Chapter 19:**** Sooner or Later**

_I want a normal life,  
just like a new born child,  
I am a lover hater,  
I am an instigator,  
You are an oversight,  
Don't try to compromise,  
I'll learn to love to hate it,  
I am not integrated._

_Just call my name,  
You'll be okay,  
Your scream is burning through my veins._

_Sooner or later you're gonna hate it,  
Go ahead and throw your life away,  
Driving me under, leaving me out there,  
Go ahead and throw your life away._

_Sooner or Later – Breaking Benjamin_

Collapsing was all I could do as soon as we entered my room. I hadn't expected quite that much work to go into following Alice around while shopping. It seems she had gone easy on me for our first shopping trip back when we'd first met. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes, and relished in the feeling of having my feet off the floor.

"Edward is going to love this, Bella. I am so excited that you're coming with us." I didn't bother responding. She had already told me this about six times on the way home. All of a sudden, my shoes were being pulled off and I was being moved so that my feet were actually on the bed. Alice plopped down beside me, but the peppiness in her voice didn't actually reach her eyes. I sighed and curled up a bit to give her more room.

"Alice... why are you still upset?" She glanced at me and then looked away. She was staring at the spot where we had both stood the night before when Carlisle had appeared.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..." I smacked her lightly, hoping to jolt her out of the melancholy she was experiencing. She was my best friend and I had just sacrificed an entire afternoon to make her happy again. I wasn't about to allow her to be upset and moody, it just wasn't Alice.

"Please, Alice. You are my best friend. I meant what I said. You are the only one who really tried to be a part of my life and succeeded. You got around James and have been helping me through everything else that has happened. You have done what no one else could, you got me to trust you. It's been so long since I've been able to say that I truly trusted anyone, and I _trust_ you,Alice." She smiled, the sadness fading again, though I knew it would never truly leave her. I knew what guilt was, and I had spent so much time waiting for it to go away. It never did.

"Well, I'm going to go spend some time with Jasper. See you tomorrow?" I nodded and she smiled as she stood and headed for the door. My eyelids were heavy as I tried to keep them open for a few more minutes. I hadn't even changed into my pajamas.

"Oh, Bella?" I opened my eyes, completely unaware that I had even closed them.

"Is Edward driving you to school tomorrow?"

"I don't know. Maybe?" I watched, forcing my eyes to stay open, as Alice stared blankly at the middle of the room. She smiled, a bright and happy smile, and I chuckled. Her expressions were always so Alice, they wouldn't really fit on anyone else.

"Yes, he is. Good luck tomorrow." She winked, shut off the light, and vanished. My blush began to creep up into my cheeks as I lay there, my eyes shutting on their own. I wasn't even sure why I was blushing. It wasn't like she had said anything that would make me blush, though the wink seemed a bit over the top. What had she seen?

xXx

"Ah, Bells, you're awake." I rubbed my eyes, still unsure of how I was feeling after the day I had yesterday. I really hated shopping and everything that went with it. I grabbed a bowl and poured some cereal in before I finally realized what was wrong with the situation I was in.

"Dad, what are you still doing here?" He chuckled but did not look up from the morning paper. Did he really have a day off after the Thanksgiving break?

"I'm picking up your mother and bringing her here to see Phil." His expression darkened as he spoke and it was obvious he was still angry and a bit frustrated with the situation concerning Renee. I turned back to my cereal, knowing I would be late for my ride if I didn't hurry up.

"She wants to see you too, you know." I froze mid-bite, staring at him in shock. She wanted to see me? What for? I thought she came here to see Phil... I shoved the cereal in my mouth and chewed, hoping Charlie wouldn't notice my moment of surprise.

"When is she... arriving?" I inquired, immediately worried that her arrival would coincide with my time with Edward. I didn't want to have to wait another day for his explanation. I didn't want to go another day without seeing him after school or in my room. I had grown accustomed to his presence and it was... difficult when he was gone.

"I am leaving around one PM. Her flight gets in at two-thirty, and we should be back here around four. Will you be home?" He glanced up at me, but I refused to meet his gaze.

"I'm going to the Cullens' after school, but I will make sure I'm home around four." Charlie nodded, accepting my answer, and then turned back to the newspaper. I finally finished my cereal, checked the clock, and mentally swore since I was a few minutes late. Would he be waiting? Should I tell Charlie that I wasn't driving?

I ran upstairs and grabbed my bag, along with my coat, before practically falling into the kitchen in my haste. I needn't have worried though. Edward was already standing in my kitchen, talking to Charlie in a quiet tone. I couldn't hear what they were saying and that made me nervous.

"Bells, you didn't tell me you were going with someone to the Winter Formal... I'm glad he came to talk to me about it, or I'd have never known. You're not...?" He trailed off, suddenly uncomfortable as he glanced between Edward and I.

"Not what, dad?" I wasn't sure what he was going for. Not dating? Not in a relationship? Not...? I wasn't sure what else there was. Surely this wouldn't get any more embarrassing...

"You driving her to school, son?" Edward smiled, clearly pleased with Charlie's question. I pulled on my coat and shouldered my bag, ready to have this entire ordeal over with.

"Yes, sir," he spoke firmly, no hesitation in his tone as he looked my father straight in the eyes. I wondered if Charlie ever noticed the difference in their eye color, the way they moved so quietly and with such grace. Or was he oblivious to it all?

"Well, then, you two have a good day at school. I'll see you at four, Bells." I didn't bother with a response, since I was already halfway out the door and headed towards Edward's car. I slowed down a bit before I reached it, knowing that Edward couldn't really move any faster than me, since Charlie was watching. I thanked him quietly as he opened my door and helped me in. It was odd to see it take him so much longer to get to the driver's side. I was used to them moving at their own speedy pace when they were around me.

"I'm sorry about that." I mentally kicked myself for having that be the first thing to come out of my mouth when we got in the car. What else could I say?

"What are you sorry for? I knocked on the door knowing full well that your father was in there. I wanted to talk to him, to tell him that we were going to the formal and that I was driving you to school. You have no reason to apologize." He chuckled, apparently amused by my apology. It certainly wasn't my fault I hadn't been aware of the fact that he'd knocked on the door to talk to Charlie. Most people tend to shy away from conversations like that, myself and Charlie included.

School dragged that day and was rather boring, even with the time I was able to spend with Edward. He was doing his best to distract me from the conversation that was to come after school. I considered, momentarily, that he might have been just as nervous as I was, but the thought was quickly squashed since I really couldn't place Edward under the nervous category. It didn't fit him at all.

It wasn't until we met up again after school that I began to think that maybe he really was nervous. He wasn't acting as carefree as he usually did. He seemed tense which only put me on edge and made the car ride to his house that much worse. Was this going to turn out to be a bad thing?

He seemed stiff getting out of the car, but it was a bit more comforting to see him moving at his normal speed, the pace I had quickly grown accustomed to after spending so much time with the Cullens over the past few months.

"Would you like something to eat?" I wanted to snap at him, to demand that he explain everything now, but I knew that would be rude. I didn't want to fight with him, I just felt jittery and nervous about what he was going to tell me. I couldn't be sure if it would be good or bad or both. I shook my head, and he sighed, glancing towards the kitchen before leading me towards the stairs.

The trip to his room was silent and just as tense as the car ride, but I was starting to feel a kind of anticipation build along with my nerves as we stepped into his room. My curiosity was turning my nerves into excitement. I was about to learn something new about Edward, about the Cullens, and learning about them definitely fit under the exciting category.

I sat down on bed, but Edward didn't immediately follow. He paced a few feet in front of me with his hands behind his back. He seemed to be deep in thought, still trying to decide how to explain things to me. I sighed and laid back in an attempt to relax. Staring at the ceiling was much more calming than watching him pace back and forth. I could hear faint mumblings as he walked.

"...how to explain... examples... simple declaration..." I didn't understand much of what he was saying, though I knew he was still trying to figure how to he was going to tell me whatever it was he was going to tell me. I felt the bed dip down and a moment later I was staring up into his golden eyes as he sat beside me.

I sat up slowly, my nerves spiking again as he prepared to speak.

"You wanted to know why Rosalie called you my mate. The simplest way for me to explain something like that is by giving you an example. What do you think of when you see Alice and Jasper together?" I could picture the moment in the cafeteria the other day, and the thousands of other moments that had me thinking the same thing. They were perfect for each other, and they truly were the epitome of love.

"I think of love and devotion. They are perfect for each other," I answered slowly, thinking through what I said before saying it. What if I was wrong? What if he was going in a completely different direction?

"Yes, exactly. That's because they are mates. They were meant to be together. They complete each other, and it's obvious just by the way they interact. That is what you are to me, Bella. I want to be whatever you need. I can be your friend, your brother, your lover, your husband. No matter what I am for you, I will always be there for you and I will always love you. You are my whole world now." My breath caught in my throat. Words failed me as he pretty much declared what I had forced myself to never even consider. I didn't deserve someone like him and I knew that, so how could I possibly be his mate? How could I be the one to complete him when I couldn't even make sense of myself?

"You... love _me_?" My tone was skeptical, disbelief coloring my tone as I stared at him. The words rang false as I sounded them out and I was utterly confused. This went against everything I knew about Edward and I – against everything I'd told myself to be the truth. I felt one cold hand reach up and gently touch my cheek and I glanced back up at him.

"Yes, I do. Ever since I met you. I didn't know it at first. I was determined to be angry with you for the way you treated Alice, and the way you so easily gave in to James and his bullying ways. I wanted you to fight, to stand up for yourself. That was when Alice and Emmett began to help you, protect you. I became conflicted over the desire to be angry with you for your actions and the desire to protect you as well. It didn't take long after you finally spent some time with Alice for me to realize that my desire to protect you from harm, and get to know you as best I could, was something more than what my siblings were experiencing. Alice knew it the whole time, too. She is sneaky, that one." He chuckled, the nerves seemed to have vanished as he spoke.

His declaration was over with and I was left to respond, but I had no response. What could I say? That he was wrong? That I couldn't accept what I had secretly been hoping to hear over the past few months?

It just didn't make sense. I wasn't whole and I wasn't good for him, and still he proclaimed that I was the one for him. He was perfect, kind, and gentle; there was no comparison. He was better in every way, and yet here we sat, together on even ground. He _wanted_ to be with me?

I sighed and tried to push all those thoughts away. I was going in circles with my thinking, only confusing myself further.

"Bella, love, this doesn't mean anything has to change. I told you, I will be what you need me to be. If all you need is my friendship than that is what I will be for you. There is no pressure and never will be. All I know is that I cannot live without you, and will not live without you. The rest will always be your choice." He seemed adamant on getting this point through my head. I knew he would keep his promises, but how could he promise such a thing?

"But... you want more...?" The question dragged out as I considered this as a possible reality. Could he truly want to be with me? Could I let the questions and doubts go long enough to find out?

"It doesn't matter what I-" I placed my hand over his mouth and the words stopped. That wasn't what I had asked.

"No. That's not what I asked. Do you want more than friendship? You, yourself, what do _you_ want?" I pulled my hand away, but before I could retreat fully, he had my hand in his.

"I want you and I love you, always. Just the same as Alice and Jasper love each other. This is the way I feel about you. You are my whole world, but I could never force you into my world. For me, this is forever, but the choice is yours." At least he was being honest this time around. I smiled. Honesty... He was being honest with me and his words were the truth. Edward Cullen loved me and always would love me. It may not have been logical to me, but it was honest.

"I-I... thank you for being honest." He smiled and nodded, his hand never leaving mine. What a beautiful thing honesty was.

I don't really remember time passing as we sat in a comfortable silence. I knew thinking about what had just happened would only confuse me even more, so instead I chose to focus on the simple idea of truth and his attempt to be completely and utterly honest with me. He had taken a risk in baring himself to me and it only made me trust him further. Was this what it felt like to know you were unconditionally loved? I wasn't sure but it didn't really matter. The rest could wait until I was able to wrap my head around it all.

"Would you like me to take you home? It's almost four and your mother and father will be home soon." I smiled and nodded, breaking myself from the silence and focusing back on the reality of the world around me. I would have to go back now and jump into the pains and problems of the real world when Renee arrived. Would she even want to speak to me?

"Relax, love. Everything is going to be all right in the end." I cocked an eyebrow at him and he chuckled. I didn't want to think about any of it, but we were pulling into the driveway, and at this point, I didn't really have a choice. Charlie's cruiser was parked by the curb along with my truck and I knew Renee was, most likely, inside waiting for me. I focused on Edward again as he opened my door for me and helped me out, holding onto my hand as he closed the door and we began walking towards the house.

"Do you want me to stay?" Did I want him to stay...? Absolutely. Would Charlie allow it? Definitely not. My mother was here and he would want me to talk to her and answer her questions. This would be 'family time' for a family that broke a part a long time ago.

"Yes, but you may have to wait outside once things start getting serious. I don't know that Charlie will let you stay." He nodded, squeezing my hand in a comforting gesture of support before I opened the door and led him inside. I should have known what would happen, but it came as a complete shock when the first thing Renee did when she saw us was glance between us and our entwined hands, and gasp.

"Oh sweetheart! I missed you! How was your day and who did you bring home with you?" Her tone was so sweet, too sweet, as she continued to glance between Edward and I. She didn't understand, no one could possibly understand what Edward and I were. I didn't even really understand. Edward led me to the chair across from Renee and then sat down beside me, never actually letting go of my hand. I was glad he was here, keeping me calmer than I would have been otherwise.

"School was good, long. This is Edward. He goes to school with me along with his siblings, Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett. I know I told you about them the first day you were here for the Thanksgiving holiday, and you met Alice during that week, too. Remember?" She smiled and nodded, her expression a bit unclear as she gazed off into the space above my head. It certainly was odd when she did that, but I had gotten used to it over time. Daydreaming was Renee's favorite thing to do. All of a sudden she was watching me again.

"Well, yes, but you didn't tell me he was your boyfriend!" she chirped, her eyes lighting up as she spoke. She was much too excited about something that wasn't even true.

"He's not my-" I tried to protest, but was cut off almost immediately.

"Bella, you never were a very good liar." She chastised me, her tone disapproving. Where was Charlie when I needed him?... On second thought, maybe he shouldn't be around for the conversation about boyfriends. He might think Renee's assessment was correct and force Edward to leave.

"Like you would know! You spent how many years unaware of Phil's past, his _history_, and just as many years ignoring what was going on in your home, to your own daughter! Yeah, you're such a great judge of who's lying and who's telling the truth!" I think I shocked her because she didn't say anything for a long moment and her expression was clearly confused.

"Bella, what are you talking about? I knew about Phil's past. I knew the details and all the sides of the situation that most don't see. He ran from that because they were lying, trying to pin things on him that he didn't do. He has been nothing but good to us. And don't you dare try to pin your own suicidal tendencies on him. He provided for us and loved both of us. He loved you like you were his own daughter!" I hadn't expected her to know of his past, but I wasn't surprised that she had believed his lies. Who wouldn't? He was respectable and kind to everyone around him, except for me. There was no reason to be respectful or kind to your _plaything. _ I wanted to punch something, to kick and scream and yell, but it was too deep, too far down for me to actually get that emotional and that violent.

"He used you and he used me. Don't you get it? Are you completely blind, mom? Did it ever click? The times you would find him in my room or the tension he exuded when you came home early? Didn't you ever notice? Did you honestly think he could sleep walk that often right into _my_ room? Why do you think he finally told you about the scars? He wanted you to think I was crazy. He wanted you to think that I was the one with the problems." I slumped down, the anger leaving me suddenly as I tried to rein in the hysteria. I was dredging up things that couldn't be rectified. My scissors were gone, my means limited, and Edward would never allow it, not while he was here.

"No. That's not true... it can't be true." Her expression hardened, her logical side dismissing my words immediately. I wanted out, I needed to leave.

"It can't be..." A flicker of indecision passed over her face, and then she stood up abruptly.

"You don't need your truck right now do you?" I shook my head, not really sure if I could speak at this point to ask her where she was going. I looked over at Edward as my mother practically ran out the door.

"She's upset and very confused at this point. She went to go talk to Phil. She wants the truth, she wants him to deny it all. It remains to be seen whether she will believe him or not. Your father is coming down." I pulled my hand out of Edward's and sat up straighter as Charlie strode into the kitchen, immediately looking at the two of us.

"Where's your mother? I heard shouting when I got out of the shower..." He didn't bother sitting down, instead choosing to pace around the kitchen. He couldn't seem to stand still.

"She went to go see Phil. She wants him to deny it all. She thinks I'm lying." My voice cracked on the end of my explanation. The tears were welling up but not quite falling. I wouldn't be able to talk now with the lump in my throat as I tried my hardest not to cry.

"She went..." His eyes widened and then he was out the door, leaving Edward and I in the house alone to work through the mess they'd left behind. Did my parents ever consider how I might have been feeling in these moments? A small sob escaped without my permission and then another followed until I was full out crying in Edward's arms. Yet all I could think was that it should have been my mom comforting me in this moment, but she was headed to sit and talk with the man that had caused all this in the first place.

"Shhhh... It's going to be okay. I'm here. It's going to be okay..." They were supposed to be comforting words, but would it ever truly be okay?

**Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Review and let me know! :)**

**peace & grace**


	20. Your Guardian Angel

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**My sincerest apologies to all of you for the time delay. Writer's block is a bitch. It took me three weeks to finally get this on paper. Well, I hope you enjoy this chapter and I REALLY hope this doesn't happen again. I'm feeling pretty positive that the writer's block has vanished for the time being. :)  
**

**Chapter 20:**** Your Guardian Angel**

_I will never let you fall (let you fall),  
I'll stand up with you forever,  
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all),  
Even if saving you sends me to heaven._

_Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart,  
Please don't throw that away,  
Cuz I'm here for you,  
Please don't walk away and,  
Please tell me you'll stay, _

_Stay._

_Your Guardian Angel – Red Jumpsuit Apparatus_

"They will be home soon." I glanced over at the gorgeous guy sitting at my desk in my room. His gaze met mine and I flushed before turning away to look at the Spanish homework on my lap. It was time to face this issue with my parents head on, to be honest about what I was feeling, as I had been doing with Edward. He wasn't going to let me do what I wanted to do, as it were, and I wasn't about to sneak around the Cullens considering the kind of hardship it would cause them. It was just my luck to make friends with a group who could smell my habit. I slid my fingertips against the raised lines underneath my jeans. I considered using my nails again and I smiled to myself. I ran my fingers over them again in a slow back and forth motion. It was soothing to touch them.

I gasped as Edward appeared beside me, his hand grasping mine and pulling it away from my leg.

"That is extremely distracting." His voice was low, like a growl as it slid into my ear. I shivered, the effect of his voice was confusing, and yet not totally unwelcome. It was so hard to deny him anything, even if the effect was entirely involuntary. I breathed in his scent as it swirled around me with his words. I peeked over at him and found myself caught in his gaze again, my heart beating faster as we sat with my hand in his, our faces inches apart.

His other hand touched my cheek gently, the cold a welcome feeling as it reminded me of safety and comfort. All of sudden, he blinked and looked away.

"Breathe, Bella." I sucked in a breath, forcing myself to look back at my homework again. How did he do that? I still didn't quite understand the power he held over me. I jumped as I heard the front door slam and the loud, as well as the arguing voices of my parents.

"Don't you get it, Renee? You can't just force the world to work the way you want it to. She may never be okay. You can't force her to be okay!" I cringed as Charlie finally made his opinion clear. I truly wanted to prove him wrong. Could I?

"But if I just... if I-" All of a sudden, Edward had me cradled in his arms and we were out the window and in the front yard. I looked up at him, confused. He smiled, holding me to him in a gentle hug before setting me down.

"Your father would have a heart attack if we came down the stairs together." I chuckled, not even surprised. I was his only daughter, of course he would freak out and come to the wrong conclusion.

"Be right back." And then he vanished. I turned in a small circle, unsure of why he had left. His absence felt a bit like having my heart ripped out, like he had taken it with him wherever he had gone. A moment later, he was back, taking my hand in his and I sighed in relief. That had not been a good feeling. My grip tightened as we made our way to the door and stepped inside. The arguing cut off completely.

"Bella?"

"Bells?" I pretended to hang up my jacket as they both appeared around the corner. They both look frustrated and upset.

"Edward." Charlie nodded at him and Renee smiled. At least they weren't angry about Edward's presence.

"Chief Swan, Mrs. Dwyer." His tone was formal and polite as we made our way into the kitchen and sat down with my father and mother. They weren't looking at each other, instead they were both watching me, which was a bit awkward.

"We were so worried about you, honey." Renee jumped into action, grabbing my hand as she leaned forward. I snorted and tugged my hand away from her.

"No, you weren't." Charlie looked surprised as I spat the angry words back at Renee.

"Of course we were, honey, we just-" I cut her off, my anger spilling up and out faster than I could figure out what was happening to stop it.

"No. You just nothing. Why do you think this family is so fucked up? You never pay attention to anything outside of yourself. It's all about you and your fabulous life! The Cullens are a better family to me than you guys are! All you care about is Phil and how good or bad he might be, or what he did wrong. Do either of you actually care about how I'm feeling about all of this?" The room was silent as I finally slumped back into my chair. Edward put one arm around me and squeezed gently before leaning back again.

"Of course we do, Bells. We just want to help you. _Right_, Renee?" His tone moved threatening in an instant. I looked over at my mother and sighed. She looked so lost and I wanted to help, but all I ever did was help her in Phoenix. I couldn't do it any more. She had to learn how to fend for herself.

"We love you, Bella. We just want to help make things better again." I sighed and stood up. I didn't want to stay here anymore. This house was toxic just like the one back in Phoenix, and I knew they didn't really understand.

"I'm going to the Cullens' for the night." I grabbed my coat and Edward followed without a word until Charlie spoke up.

"You aren't going anywhere, young lady." I froze, my jacket already half on. Had Charlie actually just said that? He appeared at the end of the hall, his expression stern.

"You are going up to your room for the rest of the night, and Edward can go home." My mouth dropped open in shock. What the hell? Who did he think he was? I stopped and realized exactly where my logic had skewed itself. Charlie was my father, and as such, could definitely make me stay home. Was this his way of caring? I sighed and dropped my jacket. Edward kissed my forehead, and whispered that he would be back in a bit to see how I was doing before he vanished out the door.

I didn't bother saying a word to either of them. Instead, I chose to go directly upstairs and ignore them both. The only person who had ever actually enforced rules upon me had been Phil. I scowled as I plopped down on my bed. I glanced around my room and smiled. I was left alone if only for a little while. The question was, did I have the right supplies? I went through my drawers, looking for anything to help me. It had been too long, and I knew it. I couldn't survive like this. They couldn't deny me my addiction. I glanced at my shower stuff and froze. I knew exactly what would do the trick.

I grabbed my towel and grabbed a razor. I shut the door and locked it, holding the razor tight in my hand. They weren't going to steal it from me this time. I sat down on the bathroom floor, pulling my pants down quickly and placing the razor against my leg. I glanced at the door, took a deep breath, and pulled the razor roughly against my skin.

I leaned my head back with a sigh and let the pain register. How I'd missed this. I could feel all the excess emotion I'd been carrying around start to bleed out. The pain eclipsed all of it, throwing me into the calm space I'd been waiting for. I picked a new spot and cut myself again.

The rusty smell of my own blood was so familiar as I relaxed further. I knew I didn't have much time. If Alice had seen what I'd done, she may have already been here. Though I would have thought she'd break down the door to stop me before I did it, but at this point I didn't even care.

I grabbed a Kleenex and dabbed at the blood before getting up and turning on the shower. It felt good to stand under the warm water and know I was in that hazy place between calm and relaxed. I was free from all the chaotic thoughts that plagued me on a regular basis. I had some time to be normal and a little less stressed out about everything.

I got out of the shower and threw the razor away. It was disposable anyway, and I certainly couldn't bring it back to my room since it would probably be destroyed. I got dressed quickly, my adrenaline kicking in as the ramifications of what I'd just done started to surface. What if they were here? What if it was too much for them? Was I going to die?

I shook my head and opened the door to head back to my room.

I couldn't ever actually believe that they would harm me. Not now. An image of Alice, her teeth at my throat, stopped me in my tracks. I was an idiot. I dropped my shower stuff outside my door and went back into the bathroom, locking myself in there to brush my teeth and avoid my room.

After I was done with my teeth, I yanked up my pant leg to check the cuts. They weren't profusely bleeding or anything, but I didn't know what amount would be enough to cause problems. I took a deep breath and finally unlocked myself from the bathroom.

I couldn't stay in here all night or my parents would think the worst. My heartbeat wouldn't slow down as I made my way towards the door to my bedroom. I felt clammy and sweaty, with a pinch of nerves mixed in there, as I considered what might be on the other side of that door. I poked my head in first, opening the door only a crack to scan the room. I was surprised that as I looked around there was no one present. Hadn't Edward said he was going to come back?

I opened the door further and finally accepted that they weren't here. I put my stuff away and plopped down on my bed, only to hear a slight crinkling noise. I sat up and grabbed the piece of paper I'd just laid on.

_Bella,_

_I'm sorry that I can't stay, but I don't want to hurt you. I'm not used to being apart from you, but I don't have a choice in this matter. I will not risk you. Ever. Sweet dreams._

_All My Love,_

_ Edward_

It was like something tore away from me as I read. I had caused this? The calm haziness was shattering already as I actually considered the consequences. What did he think of me now? I wanted to tell him it was a mistake, that he should come back. I would apologize and everything could go back to normal. I curled up on my bed, breathing in slowly as I thought about being here alone. My room felt empty without them, without company. I pulled my legs closer to my chest and shivered. I had told myself I wouldn't cause them that temptation and then I went and did it anyway.

The tendrils of self-hatred that bloomed within me only made it worse. I wanted to scream and cry in frustration. I couldn't have both my addictions. I couldn't have my friends and my protection. I couldn't stop though. I didn't know how to stop. I needed it, didn't I? I needed it for peace of mind, for a sanctuary. And then there was Edward, a sanctuary in and of himself.

How do I unlearn something that has kept my head above water for so long? I could feel my nails digging into the flesh of my legs. I wanted the pain to wake me up, to make everything make sense. I wanted clarity so I could figure out what the best path was. Was there ever an easy answer?

I stood up, pulling up my sleeves and studied my reflection in the mirror. My eyes looked sunken in, my whole body was too thin. I looked like I could break in half at any moment. I felt like I was breaking in half as I looked over the broken person in front of me. I looked defeated and tired and completely lost. I could see the rows of scars, crossing over each other in quite a few places. I could see the newer ones that I'd done while I was here and all the whiter ones that had been done in Phoenix.

The image in front of me, the girl in front of me, screamed 'sick'. Was this really what I looked like to the rest of the world? How could anyone ever love this?

I turned away from the mirror in disgust, turned off the light, and laid back down. How long could I go on like this?

xXx

_"Sweetie, you're sick. We have to get you help. You know we only want to help you, right?" I wanted to hit her, to scream, to tell her I was fine. It was her husband that needed help. I crossed my arms over my chest, uncomfortable with the way she stared at the angry red marks. What did she know, anyway?_

_ "Your mom's right, kiddo. We need to get you some help. Then we can go back to being a normal family again." I snorted and Renee frowned at my behavior. What did I care anyway?_

_ "Well, act however you like. You are going to see Dr. Karen today. We will drive you and pick you up." I think my mouth dropped open as I stared at both of them in shock. They were forcing me to go to therapy? I couldn't do it. Hell, they thought I was suicidal._

xXx

_"Strip, please." I was sitting in the chair across from her as she leaned back casually in her chair. I shook my head no and refused to look at her. This was not therapy, this was insanity._

_ "Okay, fine. I'll have them strip you." I glanced over at the two men by the door and I stood up quickly. They weren't coming anywhere near me. I took my time, my hands shaking, as I finally slid off my jeans. I crossed my arms over my chest, uncomfortable with all the people in the room. Four was a crowd._

_ "Hands down." I scowled but did as I was asked. I didn't want those men to have any reason to touch me. My hands were still shaking as I tried to still them at my sides. She studied me for what felt like eternity. She wrote down a few things, and then placed her notebook on the desk and leaned forward._

_ "You are suicidal." It wasn't a question. What kind of therapy was this? How could my mom send me to something like this? Or had she? Was Phil behind this madness?_

_ "I'm not." Dr. Karen frowned and leaned back, clearly displeased with my disagreement._

_ "Yes, Isabella. You are. You will come back every week and we shall check, every week, for new cuts. Tell me why you hurt yourself." I grabbed my shirt and put it on quickly. I didn't want them to see anymore. I could feel the shame start to creep up as I sat back down. I hated the bodyguards, I hated her, and most of all, I hated my parents._

_ "Because I'm suicidal." Dr. Karen smiled and nodded, writing a small note on her yellow pad of paper._

_ "Well, the first step is admitting you have a problem. We will talk about this next week. It was good to meet you, Isabella." I didn't bother with a response as I escaped the devil herself._

_ "How'd it go, sweetheart?" My mother looked so hopeful. I didn't get a chance to respond before Phil was piping in._

_ "Honey, you know counseling is confidential. She doesn't have to tell us anything." He smiled at me and I looked away. I didn't want to talk to either of them. Renee patted my knee and then we were on our way back to our fucked up family life._

xXx

I awoke to the muted light of another day, unhappy with the memories that had popped up in my dreams. I didn't want to remember life in Phoenix, life before Charlie and the Cullens. It wasn't a happy life.

I rolled out of bed and froze. Edward was sitting in the corner of the room, in the old rocking chair that had been there since I was little. I wanted to run over to him and hug him, but I wasn't sure if that was allowed anymore. Had anything changed?

"I-" I took a deep breath, trying to actually let my feelings be known. It wasn't easy.

"I... missed you." I exhaled sharply and sat down on the edge of the bed. He didn't say a word. He looked as still as a statue as I watched him cautiously. Was he angry?

"And... I'm sorry." I glanced towards the window, looking anywhere but at him as the silence stretched on. He was upset, he had every right to be. I had screwed up, again. My heart leapt into my throat as he suddenly had his arms around me. I clung to him, I really had missed him. It was like having a part of me missing when he was gone.

"Are you going to school today?" he inquired, his tone gentle. Why was he being nice to me after what I'd done? I nodded and he smiled, wiping away a stray tear I hadn't known I'd shed.

"Well, then, go get dressed and I'll get your breakfast ready." I didn't want him to leave, not after spending the entire night without him, but it seemed I didn't have a choice, because he was gone before I could protest.

I got dressed as quickly as I could and practically ran down the stairs only to find him sitting at the table reading the paper. It was such a normal activity to do, but Edward had never been normal. It seemed odd to me. I sat down slowly and started in on my cereal while watching him closely.

"Did you bring down your school stuff?" I groaned and got back up, but he was back with my stuff before I had gotten very far. I sighed and sat back down. Why was I starting to feel like the child in this situation. What was going on?

"Edward-" I started to voice my concern, but I never got that far because he was already standing.

"Are you almost done? We're going to be late for school." He still sounded like my father, more so than the Edward I was used to. I stood up, placing my bowl in the sink and grabbing my bag. He helped me into the car, as usual, and we were on our way to school a moment later.

We walked hand in hand to my first class where he left me to go his own class. I want to call after him and ask what was going on, but the coward in me shut me up quick. What if he had changed his mind? What if he didn't love me anymore? _Well, it isn't like you could ever love him back._ My mental voice snipped at me. I scowled and made my way into the classroom.

"Trouble in paradise, _Bella_?" Jessica practically sneered at me. I flipped her off and sat down, doing my best to ignore her. I watched as she whispered something to her friend and they giggled. Why did she have to be in half of my classes while Edward was only in one?

The day dragged on slowly as I waited for lunch. Emmett and I chatted between classes as he walked with me. He didn't appear to be acting any differently towards me, but I couldn't be sure if he was even aware of my idiocy last night. He noticed my anxiousness right away, though, and told me that everything would be okay, and that I should just relax. It didn't quite work that way, but he made me smile anyway.

A kind of nervous anticipation was starting to build as Emmett and I approached the cafeteria. I wanted things to go back to the way they were. Maybe this morning had been a fluke and I had been looking into it too much. I sighed as Alice practically bowled me over with a hug before I reached the table. Edward had left me a seat next to him and had already gotten me something to eat.

I smiled and sat down next to him. He took my hand in his and squeezed gently. Alice pretty much talked the entire time, except for when Edward told me that I should eat more, and I knew that nothing had changed from this morning. What was he trying to prove?

"Can we talk?" I inquired, turning to him and tuning out the debate between Alice and Emmett on the best kind of snowball.

"Sure. What did you want to talk about?" I shook my head and stood up.

"Privately." He sighed and stood, looking a bit exasperated. I could feel the anger building. What was he frustrated about? I was the one who was going through hell not understanding what was wrong with him today.

Our walk was silent and tense as I took him to the art room. I didn't bother sitting down as I considered what I wanted to say.

"I don't need another parent, Edward." I turned around to face him as I spoke and he frowned, tugging his hands through his hair. He was agitated, just like I was.

"Actually, I think you do since you can't seem to do anything on your own. Have you looked in the mirror lately, Bella? You are sick. You need help and you won't take care of yourself, so that is what I'm going to do, take care of you. You proved yesterday that you can't do that for yourself." I scowled and began pacing.

"I am a grown woman. I can do what I want." Edward chuckled humorlessly.

"Well, then, why don't you prove it and start acting like a grown woman. That means taking care of yourself; eating right, sleeping, getting counseling... You can't keep going like this, Bella, and I can't lose you." He took a deep breath, the frustration in his voice giving way to desolation as he spoke of loss, and tugged on his hair again. It looked painful. I didn't want him to hurt because of me. My anger deflated in an instant and I reached up to pull his hands out of his hair. I framed them around my face and smiled at the cold comfort his touch brought.

"Please, don't be upset. I promise I'll take care of myself. I just can't have you do it for me. I can't live like that. I don't need another parent. I have three that already fucked shit up royally." His expression softened and he kissed me on the forehead. I sighed and stepped away for a moment. I still couldn't agree to what he wanted.

"Edward, I can't get counseling. I don't want to go to counseling. I can do the rest of it though, please." He watched me for a moment, studying my sincerity maybe. I would do this for him, but there were some things I just couldn't do. Counseling was one of them. It was obvious the moment he gave in. I smiled and hugged him.

"Thank you." It took a minute, but his arms wrapped around me just as they always did, and I felt him kiss the top of my head as he held me. I had _my _Edward back and that was all I really needed.

**Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Review and let me know! :) I do love hearing from you guys.**

**peace & grace.**


	21. Hit the Floor

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**A big thank you to my beta, Maddux, for being amazing.**

**And an apology to my readers. I am finding that the more I am immersed in college life, the less time I have to write. Luckily, and yet sadly (since I really can't imagine this ending), we are nearing the last few chapters... God I am going to miss this story... :( and all of your kind responses to it. Thank you so much for hanging in there as I try to figure out my scheduling and writing capabilities. I'm glad I have a group of people to enjoy what I write. :)  
**

**Chapter 21:**** Hit the Floor**

_So many people like me put so much trust in all your lies  
So concerned with what you think to just say what we feel inside  
So many people like me walk on eggshells all day long  
All I know is that all I want is to feel like I'm not stepped on  
There are so many things you say that make me feel you've crossed the line  
What goes up will surely fall and I'm counting down the time  
Cause I've had so many standoffs with you it's about as much as I can stand  
So I'm waiting until the upper hand is mine_

_(One minute you're on top)  
The next you're not, watch it drop  
(Making your heart stop)  
Just before you hit the floor  
(One minute you're on top)  
Next you're not, missed your shot  
(Making you're heart stop)  
You think you've won  
(And then its all gone)_

_Hit the Floor – Linkin Park_

"Bella, can we talk?" I turned from the pile of homework in front of me to glare at Renee, who was standing in the doorway of my room. I hadn't spoken much to either of them in the past few days. Phil was being moved tomorrow, back to where the original charges were filed by his ex-wife. I was trying not to think about it.

"Sure, mom. What did you want to talk about?" I know I sounded rude and upset, but I couldn't feel very guilty for it at the moment. I was still rather annoyed with them. Renee moved from the doorway to my desk chair and looked around the room.

"It looks just the same as it did all those years ago, when you were just an infant. I can't believe I'm actually here again. I swore I'd never come back, you know." I turned back to my homework, unsure why she was going on about when I was an infant. It's not like I remembered that time of my life.

"I know you don't remember being here, but I just want you to know that the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would do whatever it took to make you happy. I just got lost, Bella. I didn't mean for it to happen this way. I love you, I will always love you. I was so sure that marrying Phil would be our ticket to a happy family life, one where you could go to college and enjoy your life as you grew up. I didn't know-" She stopped talking, her words choking off as she tried to talk about what had happened. I looked up from my homework just to see her wiping away a few tears.

"I want to be there for you, honey. I really do. So does Charlie. It was just a shock to find out and I was so confused. I had to question everything. It wasn't easy. I have been married to Phil for two and half years. We dated for at least a year before that, and behind my back, he touched... he-" She stopped again, finally giving up on saying it out loud. I sighed, finally putting my homework away and listening. She was obviously upset and I could tell she really wanted me to understand what she was saying.

"Mom, I know you and Charlie love me. I just feel so ignored sometimes. The way you both reacted to Phil was like he had done all those things to you. It was like what happened to me hadn't really happened at all. I felt like the only people that cared were the Cullens. They worried about me and watched over me while the two of you went traipsing around town over this whole thing." I leaned back against the wall, closing my eyes for a moment to gather my thoughts.

"I'm sorry we made you feel that way. We certainly never wanted you to feel alone or abandoned. We do love you, Bella. We really do." I felt the bed dip and then she was hugging me. I wanted to tell her to get off me, but she was being emotional and I didn't really want to ruin her moment. I sighed in relief as soon as she let go.

"Well, I'll let you work on homework. Maybe we could talk over dinner about pressing charges?" My eyes snapped open and I sat up. That was not what I wanted.

"I-I-I-" She was already halfway towards the door.

"Charlie should be home soon. I'll make dinner." I cringed, unable to call her back to explain that I didn't want to talk about pressing charges. The door closed and something else dawned on me. Renee was making dinner. My nose wrinkled at the thought. She never did too well with food and cooking. I was the one who made the meals, not my parents.

I curled up on the bed, my homework abandoned for the moment as I tried to force myself to get up and go downstairs to make things clear again. My efforts weren't getting me anywhere. I heard the window slide open almost silently and the bed dipped down again.

"Bella?" I opened my eyes only to find myself staring into the warm golden color that meant Edward was finally here. I leaned into his touch as he brushed his cold fingers against my cheek.

"Did you hear?" He nodded but he didn't seem as upset by it as I was. Of course, the Cullens wanted me to press charges so his lack of reaction to what Renee wanted to talk about made sense. He probably hopes that they will convince me or maybe force me to press charges.

"Would you like to stay for dinner?" Maybe his presence would deter them. Edward chuckled and shook his head.

"Bella, they don't even know I'm here right now, and I know for a fact they want to talk to you as a family tonight." One of the downfalls of knowing a mind reading vampire would be situations like these. I sat up, slipping my hand into his which helped to calm my nerves.

"We've discussed this, Edward. I don't want to press charges. I don't want the world to know what he did to me. I don't want to tell anyone. It's over now, anyway, and he will probably be found guilty on other crimes and go to jail for life. It's not like we have any evidence to support what I would be claiming. All that evidence is long gone. All I have left is the evidence that I'm supposedly suicidal, which I'm not. Not that anyone actually takes my word for that." I scowled, glaring at the carpet next to my bed.

"If you keep making that, face it'll get stuck like that." I stuck my tongue out at him and he full out laughed. I chuckled, knowing my actions were childish. Sometimes I didn't mind being childish, especially if it made Edward laugh. He had the most contagious laugh I'd ever heard. I rested my head on his shoulder, relaxing into him when he slipped an arm around me.

This was where I belonged. Safe and sound in the arms of someone who really cared about me, and as he claimed, loved me. Feeling safe was a thing most people took for granted, but now that I'd found safety, I never wanted to let it go. Edward shifted slightly, pulling my blanket around me to keep me from getting cold, and then laid us down gently on the bed. I curled into him, knowing this was the one place I could completely relax and rest.

"Je t'aime," he whispered. Did he think I couldn't understand the words 'I love you' in French? Doesn't everyone know that? It didn't matter either way, though, because I doubted I had it in me to respond in kind; knowing he loved me was just another layer of the protection he gave to me, just by being around me.

"Bella, love, it's time to get up. Your mother is calling you down to dinner and Charlie is home." I didn't move, wishing he would just keep whispering in my ear. It was soothing and it made me want to sleep more. I groaned as he slowly untangled me from the blanket, effectively waking me up with the gust of cold air that seemed to envelop me. I jumped up and grabbed my sweatshirt, tugging it on quickly.

"That is definitely not fair." He chuckled as I threw my pillow at him. It bounced off harmlessly and landed in a lump on the floor in front of him.

"I never said I played fair, Bella." One moment he was standing across the room from me, and the next I was flying through the air, wrapped in his protective embrace until we were sitting together on the rocking chair. I gasped, feeling rather out of breath for having put forth no effort. I was sure it had something to do with the rush of adrenaline from being tossed around like a rag doll.

"Edward!" I smacked him lightly on the arm and he just shook his head. It took a moment for the sting to register. I grabbed my hand realizing that I had just hurt myself by hitting him. I frowned.

"Bella! It's time for dinner!" Renee's voice floated up to my room and my frown deepened. I felt cold fingers run across my forehead, trying to smooth out the wrinkles no doubt.

"Will you be here when I get back?" He smiled and nodded. That was a relief. I waited a moment longer before finally getting up and making my way towards the door. I glanced back at Edward as I opened the door and frowned when I found he had already disappeared. I turned to exit my room only to run smack dab into Renee. No wonder Edward had disappeared. It probably wouldn't have looked too good if she saw him in my room.

"Mom, what are you doing?" She grinned, waving around a spatula in one hand. I ducked away from her quickly, snatching the weapon out of her hand and making my way downstairs. Charlie was already sitting at the table looking pleasantly surprised. I sat down with a huff, hoping Renee had forgotten all about her little agenda.

"Renee, you cooked this?" The surprise was still evident in Charlie's tone as he stared at the food in front of him. I glanced down and stared. The food in front of me actually looked edible. This was new.

"I told you not to start until Bella got down here!" I watched as Charlie snatched his hand away just before Renee smacked the table with a new spatula. Where was she getting all these utensils? This was getting weirder and weirder.

"I was hungry," he stated, seemingly unconcerned with Renee's wish to eat together.

"Well, yes, I did cook this. We couldn't exactly eat out all the time when Bella left so I took some cooking classes. Try it." Charlie dug in whole-heartedly, having already tried it, but I wasn't so sure. What had they done with my mother? Because this wasn't normal. I picked up my fork slowly and stabbed at the ravioli in front of me. Charlie was a quarter of the way done by the time I finally popped the thing into my mouth and chewed. My brained registered the word _delicious_ and I speared another one, tossing it into my mouth. This actually was good.

"This is actually... good, mom. I'm impressed." She laughed, hitting me lightly on the arm in mock anger. The gesture only served to remind me of Edward's disappearance. I immediately wished he had decided to stay for dinner. I already missed being around him. I shook my head, knowing how ridiculous I sounded when I thought of him. I sounded like a love-sick puppy and it was getting to be a problem.

"Bella, are you okay?" Renee waved her hand in front of my face. I blinked and focused back on the situation at hand. I lowered my fork, embarrassed that I seemed to have stopped moving in the middle of bringing it to my mouth. Like I said, ridiculous.

"I'm fine, mom." I took another bite, trying to focus on Charlie's description of his day at work.

"So, honey, I already told you I wanted to talk about pressing charges. Both your father and I would like to discuss your choice." I set my fork down, looking anywhere but at the two adults sitting in front of me. So now I was being ganged up on. Wonderful.

"We think you need to stand up for what is right. You can't rely on his past to deal with him. What if they find him not guilty? What if he ends up hurting someone else?" I froze, my gaze darting up to hers. She did not just play that card? Was she really trying to guilt me into pressing charges? I scowled and shook my head.

"I'm not doing it. I can't. Don't you get it? This hurts, to have to relive it, over and over. Having to tell the world what happened to me is not fun for me. It _hurts_. I don't want anyone else to know!" Charlie cleared his throat, effectively ending my rant.

"Bells, we know this is hard for you, but he needs to be brought to justice. He needs to realize that was he did was wrong and that society won't stand for men like him." I stood up, placing my dishes in the sink.

"This is my choice and I choose to say no. I don't want to press charges. I'm tired of living in my past. I can't live that way anymore and pressing charges will only dredge it all up again. Please, just let me be normal for once." I think my plea surprised them because I was able to slip back upstairs without another word being spoken. I shut my door and turned, hoping to find Edward waiting for me but the room was empty.

"Edward?" I called out to him quietly. I didn't want Charlie or Renee to hear me.

"Charlie is coming to speak with you." I heard him whisper to me and I found myself immensely grateful he was at least in the general vicinity. There was a soft knock on the door.

"Bells? Can we talk?" I opened the door, wishing they would just leave me to myself so I could talk with Edward.

"Sure, dad." He seemed a bit uncomfortable as he stepped in the room and his eyes immediately traveled to one spot in the middle of the room. That must have been where they found Phil. I cringed and looked away. That was in the past. I wasn't about to go back there. I gestured to the chair and he sat down with a heavy sigh.

"I know this is your choice, Bella, but can we make a compromise?" He looked over at me, his eyes pleading. I knew he wanted to put Phil away for the rest of eternity, but he was asking too much of me. I considered my options carefully and decided to proceed.

"We can try." He sighed, obviously aware of my word choice. I certainly wasn't agreeing to anything before I knew what it was. He had taught me well. I knew how to take care of myself.

"If he is ruled not guilty in the case with the IRS and his ex-wife, will you press charges?" I thought about this for a few moments. The likelihood of him getting off on all charges was slim to none, especially with the IRS involved. Did I want him in jail? Yes. What if they let him go? I didn't want to have to live my life worried he might pop up some day. I knew I wouldn't survive that kind of fear. I felt the tension leave me as I accepted my fate and I prayed to whatever god was up there that this would never have to happen.

"Okay. I can agree to that." He smiled, stood, and hugged me before making his way towards the door.

"Thank you for being so brave, Bells. I love you." I smiled, knowing the decision was made and there really was no going back. It was weird to hear an _I love you_ from Charlie, but not entirely unwelcome. As soon as the door shut I looked around the room, waiting for Edward to appear.

"Well, I'm glad that worked out." I stuck my tongue out at him as he appeared beside me, clearly pleased that I had agreed to my father's conditions. I wasn't too happy, but at least I had made Charlie feel a bit better. The Cullens would be happy, too. Maybe luck would decide to be on my side this time and I would be free to never have to go up against Phil or tell my story to the world. It didn't belong in the world anyway.

"I'm proud of you. If it ever comes down to it, I will be here for you. Our family will be here for you." I smiled, comforted at that fact. At least I had that much. It was something I hadn't had in a long time, and I was grateful for it. Friendship was not something I would ever take for granted again. I leaned up against my truest friend and he wrapped one hand around mine.

My life was starting to feel a bit more like a fairy tale than the real deal, but I supposed it made up for the nightmare that my life was for so long. Yet I knew, as always, I was waiting; waiting for that other shoe to drop. There was no way my life could ever be this good and stay this good. I was just not that lucky.

I fell asleep, relaxed, and feeling somewhat content as I pushed out the thoughts of doom that liked to creep in. I wasn't ready to fall back down to reality just yet. That would have to wait until tomorrow.

xXx

I felt exposed as I walked down the hall. There were more people watching my every moved than I was used to, and I couldn't understand why. What the hell was going on?

"Yeah, did you see? Isn't that just sick? I told you she was crazy." I turned to figure out where the voice was coming from only to find myself looking right at the back of Jessica Stanley's head. Her friends shushed her, pointing at me subtly, and she turned to glare at me.

"What are you looking at, Swan?" I looked away, trying not to notice all the stares I was getting. Edward appeared beside me at my locker after a minute, his expression clearly upset. He knew what was going on.

"Edward? Why are they all staring at me?" He clenched his teeth, glaring at a few of the staring students. I smiled as they all looked away. Edward could be intimidating when he wanted to be.

"They are staring because they are all idiots with nothing better to do with their time." I frowned, closing my locker, and cocking an eyebrow in his direction. That was nice, but that wasn't the answer I wanted.

"Edward..." My tone was warning him now. I didn't want to play games. I needed to know what was going on. He sighed, grabbing my hand and leading me towards the cafeteria. He didn't try to explain anything until we got to the table. All of the Cullens' expressions ranged from annoyance to frustration to downright anger. Alice seemed the most out of character as she glared at the student body around us.

"Jessica started a nasty rumor about you, which they are taking for true, since you used to be friends with her. She would know, right?" He sounded bitter. All I felt was dread. They thought I was crazy... I immediately thought back to the drawing she had given me and the warning note attached to it. What had I done for her to make good on her threat? Was it such a bad thing that I had made friends, that I was semi happy?

"She told them about my..." He nodded. I chuckled, standing up from my seat, and leaving the Cullens to stare after me. If Alice could see what I was about to do, I sure was glad she didn't seem to want to stop me. The entire cafeteria followed me with their stares as I stood behind Jessica Stanley and tapped her on the shoulder.

"What the fu-" She started to turn around and I wound my arm back, curling my hand into a fist. The rest of her sentence didn't get out as I punched her square in the nose. The crunch was loud enough that I was sure the entire cafeteria heard it.

"That's for spreading rumors about me, you vile little bitch." I stepped back from the blood that was now pouring out her nose and made my way back to the table. The hall monitors came running, one grabbed me before I got back to my seat while two others helped Jessica get up and get cleaned up. I didn't even have a chance to grab my stuff as they led me down to the principal's office. Jessica joined me there a few minutes later. I didn't think I'd ever seen her so angry before. I just felt like laughing. Punching her had felt so good.

"The principal will see you now." I snorted. It sounded like we were in a doctor's office. Although, with the way Jessica's nose was looking, we probably should have been. I didn't know I could hit that hard.

"Sit down, girls." He glanced over the two of us, visibly wincing when he saw Jessica's nose. His expression radiated disapproval, but I wasn't about to back down. She had deserved it for what she did. I wasn't crazy.

"Now, please explain to me what happened." He looked over at Jessica, but it seemed her nose was stopping her from talking. I could see the frustration starting to boil over as she tried so hard to get the words out. He turned to me, knowing I could speak much more easily.

"She started a rumor about me, and so I hit her." Jessica didn't say a word, didn't even bother trying to defend herself.

"What rumor did she start?" I sighed. Why did I have to tell him this?

"She told people that I am a cutter and that I'm crazy." The expression of disapproval was now on the both of us. I wondered momentarily how often he had to deal with shit like this. I definitely wouldn't want his job. High school kids were assholes.

"And are you?" He pressed. I stared at him in shock. Had he really just asked me that?

"A cutter, I mean." He revised quickly. I scowled.

"I used to be. I went to counseling. Ask my parents. I'm fine now and I'm not crazy." I glared at Jessica, wishing I was anywhere but here.

"Don't you think punching her only makes her rumor seem valid?" I thought about it for a moment and chuckled. He was right. It did make me seem crazy. I suppose they all hated me anyway, so it wasn't like this was anything new. I was just so sick of her bullshit and I snapped. Did that make me crazy? I didn't think so. Hell, a girl could only take so much.

"Can I go now? I have class." The principal shook his head.

"No, Miss. Swan. You are suspended for the rest of the day. Go home." Now _that_ I had not expected. They were really going to send me home. I suppose it wasn't the worst thing that could happen. I looked around for my stuff and recalled my quick departure from the cafeteria. I would have to go get that. I stood, ignoring Jessica completely, and made my way out of the office.

"Bella. I brought your stuff." I smiled as Edward handed me my things. I felt much better now. Suspended or not I had finally done what I'd been waiting to do ever since Jessica had turned into such a bitch towards me.

"Shall I take you home?" I nodded and he took my hand in his, leading me out the door.

"I know you got in trouble for that, but I have to say I never expected you to do something so drastic. Besides the blood issue, my siblings and I were impressed." My eyes widened and I stopped walking. I had forgotten about the blood. Edward stopped, his expression still clear but confused as he watched me.

"I- I- I'm so sorry!" He chuckled.

"Bella, it's okay. We know how to deal with blood. The others are all headed home, too. We just up and left once they took you both out of the cafeteria. We are very good at holding our breath." I relaxed slightly, still chastising myself for being such an idiot. Why couldn't I think of someone outside of myself for once?

"Come on. Let's get you home." I allowed him to lead me forward to the car, forcing myself to let it go since it was all over and done with, anyway. I couldn't change what I'd done. The damage was set and now I was left to wait and see what the repercussions would be. Hopefully Charlie wouldn't be too angry.

**Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Review and let me know! :)**

**peace & grace.  
**


	22. Brothers on a Hotel Bed

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

So... I know it's been a while. My sincerest apologies. After a crazy, hectic, semester and an even crazier winter break, and the lack of internet over the past week, it's been a bit impossible to get things done. But, here it is! Finally. :) I hope you all enjoy it as much as I enjoyed finally writing again. :) Peace out.

**Chapter 22:**** Brothers on a Hotel Bed**

_You may tire of me as our December sun is setting,  
'Cause I'm not who I used to be,  
No longer easy on the eyes,  
These wrinkles masterfully disguise,  
The youthful boy below,  
who turned your way and saw,  
Something he was not looking for,  
Both a beginning and an end,  
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize,  
When he catches his reflection on accident._

_On the back of a motor bike,  
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight,  
Leaving everything behind,  
But even at our swiftest speed,  
We couldn't break from the concrete,  
In the city where we still reside,  
And I have learned,  
That even landlocked lovers yearn,  
For the sea like navy men,  
'Cause now we say goodnight,  
From our own separate sides,  
Like brothers on a hotel bed._

_Brothers on a Hotel Bed – Death Cab for Cutie_

Once we arrived at the house we started making dinner together for when Charlie returned. Edward had promised me that the principal was going to call Charlie at work, but Alice said that he wouldn't come home until his regular time. I wanted to know if he'd be upset, but she wouldn't tell me. It didn't take long for me to forget all about that, though. Once we got home Edward tensed up, growing silent as we worked around each other.

It wasn't until we sat down on the couch that I finally opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me to it.

"Bella, I want to know why you won't get counseling." I should have known that would be the cause of some tension. I leaned back against the cushions of the couch and averted my gaze to the television which was playing some mindless show about an island somewhere.

"Please? I know it's hard, but we've already been through so much. What happened that made counseling so awful for you?" He was right. After everything he already knew about me, what was so bad about telling him this particular horror story? It shouldn't be any different, and yet it was. If I told him he would rationalize my fears so that he could get me into counseling. I didn't need counseling.

_Don't you think punching her only makes her rumor seem valid? _Principal Greene's question floated back to me and I rolled my eyes. I didn't care what the school thought of me, but was there some truth to her rumor? Was there something wrong with me that I was ignoring?

The way Edward was acting, it seemed to be the situation. They could all see it while I refused to. I heard the crunch of gravel, the accompanying light shining in the front window that alerted us to Charlie's arrival. Edward stood and helped me up from the couch before heading into the kitchen. He didn't seem as tense as before, but I guess he'd put the ball in my court now.

"Hey, kiddo. Dinner smells great!" Charlie commented as he closed the front door. He didn't seem surprised to see Edward when he got to the kitchen. He also seemed rather cheery for what he was supposed to know about my actions earlier in the day.

"Hey, dad. Edward is going to stay for dinner, okay?" He grunted in response and sat down. Edward served the both of us and then sat down.

"So, how was work?" I inquired, hoping to get the anger out of him quickly so it could be over with. Charlie smiled, chuckling quietly before setting down his fork.

"Well... it got much more interesting after hearing that my daughter gave Jessica Stanley a bloody nose." He chuckled again and Edward smiled. He had known that was coming. What else could he read from Charlie? How I wish I knew.

"Not that I'm condoning it or anything, but I'm proud of you, kid. I taught you well." He cleared his throat, tucked away the smile and looked up at me seriously.

"Of course, violence is never the answer. So don't do it again. Got it?" I nodded quickly and he went back to eating with a grin on his face. I sighed and looked down at my plate. I really wasn't hungry, but I had to eat. Rules are rules, or I should say, agreements are agreements. I needed to take care of myself or it was off to counseling for me. I grimaced and picked up my fork.

The tension from earlier returned as I considered just one of the issues I had been ignoring for so long. I would have to respond to Edward sooner or later, and he was obviously anxious to understand my seemingly unfounded fears. He deserved to know, especially after everything I had put him through. It wasn't until I retired to my room that I formulated my answer.

Edward was lounging back on my bed, hands behind his head, as he watched me work on homework. I turned from my biology homework and he leaned forward, no doubt thinking I needed help with a problem or something. I closed my book and tossed it onto the floor before crawling into his lap. He smiled, kissed my forehead, and then wrapped his arms around me. I had never felt safer than when I was in his arms.

"You know, he was the one who made me go to counseling. Phil wanted to get me to stop cutting so the scars would go away. He picked my therapist and my mother agreed to whatever he wanted." My voice shook as I spoke but I kept going, knowing that if I stopped in that moment, I would never be able to begin again.

"The first day I went, Dr. Karen was nice enough. She asked me normal questions. She wanted to know what was wrong and why I was cutting. I lied and told her I was depressed. Obviously that wasn't the only reason I was doing what I was doing. At the end of the session a man stepped into the room and stood next to the door. I was confused. I rationalized it, telling myself that Dr. Karen didn't know about what had happened with Phil so she didn't understand my fear of anyone, especially men, being so close to me.

"Then she ordered me to take off my pants and my shirt. I thought she was joking, but she threatened me, saying if I refused that she would have the man at the door do it for me. I did as she asked. She said I would have to do the same thing every time I came so she could make sure I wasn't cutting anymore.

"I went to see Dr. Karen every week until she thought I was cured. She told me I was suicidal and I finally just agreed with her. Having to stand there in my undergarments was embarrassing, and the fact that I was outnumbered didn't help." I took another deep breath and shut my mouth. I had told it as objectively as possible, ignoring the fact that I was talking about my experiences, and told him as much as I could. I didn't want to say anything else, and he hadn't said anything yet, so I shut my eyes and I tried to keep the memories from flooding my mind.

I could feel them pushing against my defenses, fighting to make me remember things that were better left in the dark vaults of my sub-conscious. It hurt enough having to retell all of it. I wished I could hear Edward's thoughts, know how he was feeling. His silence didn't bode well for anyone and he definitely wasn't relaxed anymore. I glanced up at him.

"Edward?" I whispered. He shifted slightly, coming out of his own thoughts to listen to me.

"Are you okay?" I watched as he turned his head away for a moment before turning to look directly at me. The anguish in his expression brought tears to my eyes. He looked like someone had lit him on fire and left him to burn to death. I reached up and touched his cheek.

"How can you ask me if I'm okay when you've been through something like that? _I_ should be the one comforting _you_." His tone was just as upset as his expression. I sat up and turned to face him.

"Edward, that is in the past and, thanks to you, and your family, I have come a long way from those days. I am still broken and pretty fucked up, but I never, in a million years, would have stood up for myself the way I did today if it weren't for you. Please, I don't want you to be sad or upset or in any pain. It only hurts me more to see you in pain." My words seemed to calm him, and when he looked up at me again, he didn't seem as upset. I wondered briefly if he was merely hiding it away for my sake, or if I really had managed to convince him not to be upset over my misfortune.

I was pretty sure he was just hiding it, but I would have to deal with that later, because suddenly, he was gone. Charlie must have thought about heading towards my room to say goodnight or something. I grabbed my math book from the floor and opened it up again. There was a soft knock on my bedroom door almost as soon as I picked up my pencil.

"Bells? Can I come in?" I did a quick search of my room for anything that might give Edward away, but if there had been anything he probably took care of it while he vanished.

"Sure, dad," I called back. The door opened slowly and Charlie popped his head in. He looked almost overly excited which immediately made me wary.

"I just got the news. Phil arrived at the jail near his ex-wife's house an hour ago. I was assured that the trial would start in a few months, but until then, he would be holed up in that jail cell. Good news, right?" I forced a smile and turned back to my homework.

"Great, dad. I have to finish my homework so... yeah." I waited until the door closed before setting my book back on the floor and reclining back into bed. Why did I have to know these things? Why did they think I wanted to know anything about him? I just wanted to forget it ever happened.

"Hey, are you okay?" I opened my eyes and smiled. The golden eyes looking back at me were worried, but still so beautiful. I reached up and touched his cheek gently, relishing in the cold of his skin.

"I'll be all right. I just wish they'd stop telling me about him. I just want to forget it all. Why can't they understand that?" Edward slipped an arm around me and I cuddled closer to him.

"You can't just forget, Bella. What happened to you has shaped who you are, who you are going to be. It's a part of you that you can't just erase. As much as I'd like for it to have never happened, it doesn't work that way." I knew he was right, but it didn't make me any happier, nor did it make my life and easier; though I never really had a time in my life when things were easy, at least, not that I could remember.

"Why do you always have to be so logical? I have spent all this time pretending it didn't happen, why stop now?" I glanced up at him and he looked like he was seriously considering my question. I didn't really want an answer.

"So, what happened in those sessions before, that's why you won't get counseling?" That was a fairly abrupt change in topic. I sat up, confused on how he'd gotten back to that again. I didn't want to talk about that either, but it seemed I didn't have a choice.

"Yes." I turned away from him and picked up my homework again. It was a welcome distraction. Edward grabbed my pencil before I could pick it up, forcing me to pay attention. The frustration began to bubble up, flooding into my mind in an effort to suppress what I knew was pressing at the edges to be let in, my memories.

"Bella, love, you know I would never allow that here. We would find the best counselor for you, one who wouldn't do strip searches or accuse you of suicide because, whoever that woman was, she was not a certified counselor. What she did wasn't even legal. Here they would know about your fears and needs. They would merely listen to whatever you have to say. It would help you get through this in a healthier manner, instead of with a blade." He touched my wrist lightly and I looked up at him. Why did he do this to me? But it didn't work that way. He wasn't Charlie or Renee and he wasn't Phil. He wasn't trying to hurt me or drag things up to make me break down. He was desperately trying to help me and I could see it in every word he spoke. I just wasn't sure I could accept that kind of help.

"What if I went with you? Would that make it easier, at least for the first few sessions." Could he do that? Did I want him to? I dropped my head into my hands. He had such a way with me that I couldn't even think straight anymore.

"It's okay, sweetheart. You don't have to decide now. How about you get ready for bed so you're not exhausted for school tomorrow." He lifted me off the bed, helping me stand, and walking me through my night time routine.

I felt like a zombie, swimming in all the chaos. It was hard to breathe, to function on my own. I didn't even try to change into my pajamas until Edward asked me if I was going to put on something more suitable for sleeping.

I looked down at my jeans and a tee before staring up at him. All of a sudden, Alice was standing in the room. Why was she even here?

"I will be right back. She is going to help you change, okay?" I merely nodded and after a moment I was standing my pajamas. I felt completely idiotic. I was too lost to even complete basic functions. Edward pulled me into his chest, holding me to him protectively.

"Is she going to be okay?" I couldn't see Alice anymore, but I could hear them speaking in low tones.

"I can't see too far ahead because she's too overloaded, but, from what I can see, yes. Edward, I told you to slow down. She is in a very fragile state right now, especially since she's suppressing it all. You sent her into shut down mode with all of the counseling talk. She has been through so much already. You can't push as hard as you want to, okay?" I felt him nod but nothing else was said between the two of them.

Edward put me into bed not long after that, turning out the light, and humming to me until I slipped into the darkness. The last thing I felt was cold pressure on my forehead as he kissed me.

xXx

I was in better working order when I woke up, but I was sure it was because I had put the conversation from the night before behind me. Edward didn't bring it up again except to ask if I was all right after last night.

He seemed okay, a bit worried, but that was becoming his constant expression these days.

The first half of the day dragged on as the entire student body stared at me and whispered behind their hands. I would catch snippets of what they were saying, but I tried not to listen too closely because I didn't want to hear what they were saying about me. The silent girl had stood up for herself. What was next?

Most of Jessica's friends sneered at me and some even looked like they wanted to hurt me, but it was obvious they didn't want to risk it. I had friends in high places now. They couldn't throw me around. It was an odd situation.

It wasn't until Jessica showed up at school that things shifted. She didn't show up to Spanish class, or any of the morning classes. Jessica Stanley showed up right in the middle of the lunch hour, walking in with her head held high and a prominent black eye. She hadn't even tried to cover it. I wasn't surprised though. She wanted her big entrance, her chance at having all the attention on her, and it worked.

The cafeteria grew silent as she walked in, her friends jumping up to go talk to her.

"Look at me," Edward whispered in my ear and I turned, confused as to what he wanted at this pivotal moment. He smiled, a small smile and touched my cheek gently.

"She wants your reaction, love. She wants to see you shocked and then begging for her forgiveness. Don't give that to her." That made more sense. I smiled back. He really was too good to me.

"Thank you." Alice tugged at my arm, gaining my attention. I turned to my other side. She looked fairly serious.

"She is considering coming over here. Just so you know. She won't do anything, since we're here, but it's important that you just ignore her. Otherwise things could get ugly." Edward took my hand while Alice laid her head down on Jasper's shoulder. Rosalie looked frustrated while Emmett looked more excited than a kid in a candy store. Of course he would want something exciting to happen, that was just Emmett.

I was more worried about their reaction to Jessica than Jessica's reaction to me. She was in more danger than I ever would be, even though she had no way of knowing that.

I picked up my apple and took a bite, forcing myself to keep my eyes on Edward as he explained what was going on in the room. He knew I was curious. I merely nodded and kept my eyes on him.

"She is looking at us and the rest of the room has followed her lead." He kissed me on the cheek, a public show of affection, and in some ways a show of fierce protectiveness. He wasn't about to let them do anything to me.

"She is quite literally boiling with frustration. I can see it all in her head. She hates that you don't seem to care, and that we are your friends. She hates that I chose you. As if I would have ever chosen someone as vindictive as her." He chuckled and I smiled, laughing quietly. His laughter was contagious, his happiness was like a ray of sunshine in all of the darkness. I heard Rosalie clear her throat delicately. Edward's expression changed to annoyance, but I looked over at her anyway. She smiled, showing all of her teeth. The expression was so very predatory.

"Don't worry, Bella. She won't get within 30 feet of you if I have anything to say about it." I shuddered at the harsh tone of her words. She was dead serious. Since when was Rosalie so set on protecting me? She had promised not to be outright mean to me, but now she was sticking up for me. It didn't make much sense, but I chose not to question it.

"Thanks," my response was short but I wasn't sure what else there was to say to such a proclamation. It was fairly un-Rosalie-like, at least where I'm involved.

"Yeah, I'm all right. It hurts but, I mean, she _did_ punch me _really_ hard. Fucking bitch." I wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of Jessica's words, obviously directed at me, as she walked past our table to sit down with her friends. I didn't even bother looking away from my friends. I chose, instead, to focus on what Edward was telling me about Biology. It wasn't something I was particularly interested in, but he didn't want Jessica to hear him talking to me about anything else.

The bell rang not long after the spectacle of Jessica's arrival. Edward and I walked to class, ignoring the stares and whispers along the way. Our conversation had me in our own little bubble and I definitely was not complaining. He kept me focused on everything but our present moment as he told me about all the places he'd been, the traveling he had done with Carlisle and Esme.

It wasn't until Mr. Banner started talking about the class that I realized I had missed our entire walk because I had been too caught up in Edward and his life before he'd met me. He had done so much, though he had quite a bit more time to do those things.

"Miss Swan, what is the answer to number 2?" I lifted my head, unaware that we were working on the homework from last night. Had I even done it? I glanced over at Edward.

"No, Miss Swan. I want your answer, not Mr. Cullen's answer. Mike, number 2, please." A few people in the class chuckled at my expense. I flushed bright red at the chastisement, looking down at my notebook as I hastily looked through it for the homework I probably hadn't done. Edward touched my arm, catching my attention and handing me a small slip of paper.

_It's okay. Calm down. He won__'__t call on you again._ I read the note twice before it sunk in. I looked up at him and he smiled at me, comforting me. Why was I so worked up? The stress of being stared at consistently wasn't helping, that was for sure.

The rest of the day flew by in a blur of the Cullens distracting me from my current predicament. I had never been so happy to leave school before, at least, not that I could recall. Edward drove us straight to his house, explaining to me that Alice had called Charlie earlier to let him know that I wouldn't be home for dinner. I didn't even know we had plans.

"Well, if I'm not going home, what the heck are we doing? And why didn't you tell me this earlier?" He chuckled at my frustration. I didn't like surprises and I was pretty sure he knew that already.

"Calm down, sweetheart. It was planned rather last minute so that's why we didn't tell you. Alice brought it up during lunch and I agreed that you would probably enjoy it." Oh, well I guess I couldn't exactly yell at him for that, though he still should have told me. I looked back at the road, but it was gone. We were already in the driveway and Edward was opening my door to help me out. I really needed to pay better attention to things. I was starting to lose track of all the things I missed when I was around the Cullens.

Alice was nowhere to be seen as we entered the house, in fact, the entire family seemed to have disappeared from the general vicinity. It was odd since usually, when I was around, they were as well, especially Emmett. He almost never passed up a chance to tease me about something I did.

"Where is everyone?" That seemed to be all it took and, suddenly, all of Edward's siblings were in the room. I blinked, unsure if what I was seeing was real. It was still fairly disconcerting to see them all appear at once. I should have been used to it by now but sometimes it was just weird.

They were dressed a bit differently this time, with what looked like thermal clothing, running clothing. Were they going for a jog?

Edward turned me towards him, displaying what looked like a winter parka. Did they think I was running with them? It wasn't like I move as quickly.

"I am going to carry you. We are going to race." That didn't really clear anything up. I turned back towards the rest of the family. Did they know what was going on? Alice appeared in front of me with a grin on her pixie face.

"So, Edward has always been faster than the rest of us. We don't really know why but it's always been that way. So, I challenged Edward to try and beat us while carrying you. It would make it a bit more difficult for him to win, at least I thought so. You weigh practically nothing, but I'm hoping the innate worry he constantly has for you will slow him down. It took him forever to agree to it, but he forced me to promise that if you said no that the deal was off." Oh, just fucking great. She was dead serious too.

What the hell was wrong with her? Did she really think I could do something like that? It didn't even sound remotely fun and, really, the only time I'd been carried around by them at that speed was when I was too out of it, or too far into a panic attack to even notice.

"How about we let her go for a test run first, Alice? I think you've scared her into shock. Bella, love? Did you want to go, just you and I, for a short run? If you hate it, we don't have to race them. I didn't really want to do it in the first place, but you know how Alice is." I considered, momentarily how that would occur. Being carried around by him, although embarrassing, was not necessarily unpleasant... I could already feel myself warming to the idea. Maybe if I just tried it? Alice giggled and backed away which effectively cut me out of my stupor.

I glared at her, blushing. She didn't need to know what I was thinking about or what I thought could happen. It was impossible anyway.

"Okay, fine. But keep it short and if I hate it then this whole mess is off." Alice nodded but her excitement was almost palpable. She thought she was going to win. She couldn't possibly see my choice yet, could she? I hadn't even made it yet.

"I doubt we'll have a problem but it's probably best if I carry you piggy back," I must have looked worried because he continued on hastily, "Of course, I will be holding on to you the entire time." I sighed and shrugged my shoulders. If that was what worked best and he promised not to let go then I could agree to it.

He crouched down and I looked around the room, but his family was gone again. It was starting to get really annoying when they just vanished like that. Couldn't they at least say goodbye so I could note their departure?

I moved carefully, checking to make sure I felt secure where I was. I wrapped my arms around his neck, careful not to strangle him, and wrapped my legs around his waist.

"Are you ready?" he inquired quietly. I nodded and he stood slowly. I wound my arms tighter around his neck but he didn't complain. I doubt I could do anything that would hurt him. He moved slowly at first, wrapping both hands around my legs, securing me in place, and then walking out the front door. He stopped by the car.

"Okay, I'll take it slow at first. If you need to stop, let me know. It also might help to close your eyes, but that's up to you." That idea didn't sound like much fun. If I was going to move faster than the speed of light then I kind of wanted to watch it happen. Of course, maybe I would change my mind when he started running.

"All right, I'm ready. Let's go." There was no real shift, no jostling. It didn't even feel like we were moving as he jogged into the woods surrounding the house. I watched as he picked up speed slowly, the trees whipping by faster and faster until everything around us began to look like a big green blur. The wind was whipping my hair back from my face and making my eyes water, but I felt somewhat prepared. It felt a lot like it had with Jasper when I was pretty much unconscious. My body was telling me that this wasn't abnormal, that it had done this before even if I hadn't been conscious for it. Edward turned his head toward me and I turned so my ear was closer.

"Okay, I'm going to faster, as fast as I can go, okay? Then we can stop." I was glad I had moved closer because I could barely make out what he was saying.

"Okay!" I yelled back. I could feel his chest rumble as he laughed. Right, I didn't need to yell. They had great hearing. They had great everything. I clung to him as tightly as I could, relishing in the feeling of my arms around him, the fact that I was so close him without feeling too awkward about it. I wanted to spend the rest of forever in his arms. At least there I was safe, and most of the time happier than when I was alone.

I couldn't really tell the difference as far as vision went. Everything just got blurrier, a more solid green, but my body could feel the difference. I ducked my head into the crook of his neck, hiding from the wind. I really didn't want wind burn or bugs in my eye or whatever else.

"You okay?" he yelled back to me.

"Yes." He nodded, acknowledging my response and then we were slowing down. I lifted my head as we slowed to a jog, finally coming to a stop a few feet from the edge of a cliff. There was a lake laid out below us and across it I could see the city of Seattle. It was beautiful and we had gotten there in less than half an hour. It took about four hours to drive.

"Wow." That was about all I could get out as Edward helped me down from my perch. I smiled in thanks as he held me up. I couldn't do it on my own from hanging on so tightly when he was running. It was weird to be at a stand still, but then, the run itself had been somewhat exhilarating. If only I could run that fast. I chuckled at that thought and Edward quirked an eyebrow at me. I definitely was not about to relay that thought to him. It was laughable to think they'd ever consider that. Dealing with me... for eternity? It was ridiculous, even to me.

"Are you okay?" After a few minutes of staring at the city I turned back to my protector. He looked honestly worried. I smiled, touching his cheek. He leaned into my touch with a returning smile.

"That was so cool. It was a rush I've never experienced before. I can't believe we made it to Seattle so quickly. So, are we heading back now?" He nodded and crouched so I could clamber on.

The trip back was too quick. He didn't start slowly by jogging. We merely ran all the way back to the house in comfortable silence, not that you could do much talking with the wind.

The race itself was uneventful, though interesting to see since Edward still won with me on his back. I got to make fun of Alice the entire way back to the house. She took it with a good natured attitude until we entered their house. Suddenly the mood shifted and Alice was watching me warily. Edward was watching Alice, obviously confused. She was hiding something from him.

I knew what she had seen. I had more questions and I wanted to ask her, not Edward.

Alice drove me home and cooked with me.

"Bells?" Charlie, once again, had me jumping as he stomped into the house. He was so loud compared to my afternoon with my friends.

"Hey, dad. I made lasagna, it's ready on the table. Can Alice stay with us for dinner?" Charlie stepped in the room and everything stopped, at least in my mind. He was holding his hand out from his body, careful not to let it touch anything and it was easy to see why. He was bleeding profusely from a cut in the center of his palm. I glanced over at Alice, worried about her reaction. She hadn't moved since Charlie walked in but she didn't seem distressed either.

I grabbed a towel, quickly wrapping his hand and practically dragging him over to the sink to rinse it and cover it up.

"Whoa, Bells, it's just a cut. Don't worry. It's not serious." I didn't stop what I was doing.

"Sorry, Chief Swan, it's just that seeing blood makes me really queasy. Bella already knows that." Alice piped up from her spot across the room. She still hadn't moved. I wondered if she was even breathing.

I watched in silence as the blood washed down the drain and then I moved to get the first aid kit.

Once I had it on the table, I turned off the water and had Charlie sit at the table so I could cover it up. Charlie was as good as new after a few moments, bandaged up, and ready to eat. Alice still hadn't moved.

"I think I'm going to skip out on dinner, Bella. Mind if I wait in your room?" Her voice had gotten smaller, quieter. Charlie looked up in concern.

"Sure, Alice. I'm sorry about the injury. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Are you going to be okay?" She nodded and then fled up the stairs. I sighed and sat down to dinner. I really hoped she managed okay. I didn't really feel like dying at the hands of a bloodthirsty vampire tonight. I had too many questions I wanted answered. I especially didn't want to endanger Charlie.

Dinner was a quick and silent affair and, as soon as I was done, I left to go check on Alice. Charlie didn't seem to mind. He seemed just as worried about my friend as I was. As I reached the door to my room I decided to knock first.

"Alice? You okay? Can I come in?" There was no response so I made a decision, opening the door slowly. I couldn't find Alice so I stepped inside and sat down on my bed before I realized that the window was open. Had she left? I stood up but didn't get very far when, suddenly, she was in the room again, smiling.

"Okay, it's okay. I'm fine now. That went better than I thought it would." What the heck did she mean by that? Well, either way it didn't matter. I still had questions. I sat back down and Alice joined me.

"Okay, let's talk. You have questions. What's on your mind?" I took a deep breath, working to keep calm as I began to broach a topic I already hated.

"Alice, what happens when you guys leave?"

**Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Review and let me know!**

**peace & grace.  
**


	23. Sound of Pulling Heaven Down

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Chapter 23:**** Sound of Pulling Heaven Down**

_So rest assured I have the key to every opening,  
To every wishing well that's deep enough to dream (dream),  
I want to show you just how fascinating kissing is,  
When earth collides with all the space between (yeah)._

_I'm reaching farther than I ever have before,_  
_Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore,_  
_I may be some sort of crazy,_  
_We may be some sort of crazy,_  
_But I swear on everything I have and more._

_Sound of Pulling Heaven Down – Blue October_

I must have surprised her because she didn't even acknowledge that I had asked anything for a minute or so. She turned toward me, her expression distinctly sad. I felt my heart leap into my throat as I considered what Alice was going to tell me. They were leaving me, would leave me. Hadn't I already expected this to happen? I looked away quickly so that she wouldn't be able to see all the chaos tumbling through me, almost tearing me in half.

"Bella, I'm not allowed..." She trailed off, pressing a finger under my chin and lifting my face up so she could see my eyes. I flinched away from her but she wouldn't let me get away.

"I won't leave you, Bella. I-I don't want to, but-" I stood up and made my way to my desk. I couldn't look at her. She was speaking in contradictions. She couldn't say she wasn't going to leave me and then put a 'but' in there.

"I get it. I understand." My voice broke at the end and I cursed my weakness. This wasn't a surprise. I had to have seen this coming.

"No, Bella, you don't. Please, listen?" My thoughts flashed back to the day the Cullens hadn't come to school and all the effects afterward; how I had pushed Alice away and how hard that had been, though I had refused to admit it then. I sat down at my desk and faced her once more. I was unwilling, to say the least, to lose my first real friend since all this had started. I glanced up at her and she smiled timidly.

"You should ask Edward the same question, but here is how _I_ look at it. We don't want to leave you here. We will be here until we graduate high school and then it's 'off to college'." She grinned at her own quotations. I had an inkling that Edward would definitely be going to college again. Unlike the rest of his siblings, he seemed to enjoy learning, even if he knew more than the majority of his teachers.

"Carlisle and Esme will probably move not long after that, since they cannot hide the fact that they don't age for too long, or people begin to get suspicious. When that happens, we won't return to Forks until everyone who could possibly recall us has passed away. We can't have them recognizing us. We also change our names to throw off suspicion. I suppose this doesn't exactly answer your question, at least, it doesn't tell you what you want to know." I nodded, she was right. I wanted to know what happened to our friendship. Would we go our separate ways, leaving me to take on my life without my only friends?

"I want to go with you, Bella. I want to go through college with my best friend, but, if I go, would I then be holding you back from the friendships you could make without me there? Edward is fearful that if we stay with you that you won't be able to live a normal human life. I can see where he is coming from, but you're still my best friend and no matter what, in my opinion, it's up to you, not us, whether you remain friends with us or not." She was putting this on me? The answer was obvious, I couldn't just watch them walk away from me.

Would Edward see it the same way though? Would he allow me to make this choice? I could see him walking away for my sake, leaving because he believed it would best for me, but _I_ knew what was best for me. I finally had the chance to be free, from everything I had gone though, but I don't know what would happen if they left.

"I want you to be with me, Alice. I don't want to lose my best friends, my only friends. You could leave me though, so easily. I wouldn't be able to keep you with me, you're too strong." Alice smiled a sad smile, but there was something else there. She seemed almost relieved about something.

"Bella, you are the only best friend, besides my family, that I have ever had. You don't think I'd give that up so easily, do you? Especially if you want me to stay. I'm not going anywhere." I grinned and she grinned back. This had gone better than I expected. At least I had one Cullen that refused to leave me, that would remain my friend even after they had to move on. All of a sudden she stiffened, her expression frozen.

"Edward, don't..." Her tone was a whisper, but she sounded like she was upset. Her expression changed suddenly, contorting into a mask of pain. What was he doing to her?

"Edward, stop!" I tried to keep my voice low to keep Charlie from hearing, but still infused it with anger. He was hurting her and I couldn't even help if I wanted to. I went to the window to search for him, opening it quickly and scanning the cold darkness as well as I could with my weak human eyes. I looked back at Alice and she had her head in her hands.

"Alice, what did he do to you?" I closed the window and came to sit next to her.

"I showed her what would happen." Edward's smooth voice cut into the tense moment and my anger flared. I jumped up from my bed, striding up to him, and slamming my hands down on his chest to push him backwards. I could feel the vibrations through my hands and up my arms and the pain that shot through from the impact was almost too much, but I held it together.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You need to leave. Now!" I had lost all sense of control, my anger blooming into shouting. There was a flash of desolation and pain in his expression, and then it was gone as he glanced toward the door, vanishing from my sight.

Suddenly, there was a knock.

"Bells, everything okay in there? I heard shouting..." The door opened slowly as Charlie stuck his head in to find Alice and I sitting on the floor together. She had moved me without my knowledge. I sighed and glanced up at him with a smile.

"Yeah, dad. We're fine." I looked over at Alice, hoping she had some kind of excuse.

"We were just practicing for a skit we have to do tomorrow." She smiled up at him and I could see the temporary affect she had on him, keeping him blind to the tension in the room. I forced another smile and Charlie exited with a mumbling command to try and keep it down. I turned back to Alice, the concern returning at what I had just witnessed and what I had just done. I flexed my fingers and winced at the dull ached that extended up my wrists from having tried to hit Edward.

"Alice, what the hell did he do to you?" I glanced around the room, but he was no where to be seen.

"He's not in your room anymore, Bella. He followed what you said and left." She didn't seem angry with him just very, very sad. What was going on?

"Alice, what did he do?" I didn't like the way she looked, almost helpless as she sat in front of me. This was not the Alice I knew and loved.

"He showed me why we can't stay with you, why it would do more harm than good. He showed me all that could go wrong. Bella, you are so fragile and then there is the Volturi. They would kill you in an instant if they knew. They would kill all of us for 'not keeping the secret'." Her voice broke at the end as I stared at her in shock. Was my presence that dangerous for them that the Volturi would kill all of the Cullens?

How could he do this? Did he want to be rid of me so badly that he would put Alice in jeopardy of leaving me? A memory surfaced of Edward and Alice fighting in my room about telling me something and the danger involved. This was a part of it. I shook my head. He just didn't want to lose his family; he didn't want to stay with me because if they did, they would die. There had to be a way around it though. There had to be a way to protect them and stay with them. Right?

All of a sudden it hit me. They would be killed for not keeping the secret... so, what if there wasn't a secret to keep?

"Alice, change me." I demanded, my whole body tensing up as I considered what I had just asked her to do. This was the only way though. I couldn't lose them. Her head snapped up with a shocked expression. Her eyes flickered to my window, but the shock didn't disappear.

"Bella, I can't. Edward would kill me. He is already having a major anxiety attack at the idea. I don't even know if I could stop in time to keep you from dying. It's not that easy." I stood up from the floor, pacing the room as I considered what I had just blurted out. Logically, it made sense. This would solve all of it. I could keep Phil away from me, I could stay with the Cullens, and the Volturi wouldn't kill my only friends, my family.

"But, Alice, it makes sense. It would save all of us from the Volturi and I could stay with you, with my real family. What happens when I grow old, Alice, and I die? I want to stay with you, with all of you. You guys are the closest thing I've ever had to a normal family, and you're nothing close to normal. So what does that tell you?" The more I thought about it, the more the idea appealed to me. It all made perfect sense. I could be with my family forever and leave all the pain and suffering behind. I could walk away from all of it and Phil could never come near me again. Maybe, for once in my life, I could be normal.

"Bella... you have a real family. You have Charlie and he loves you more than life itself. It would devastate him if you vanished that way. Your mother, she loves you, too, you know? She just wasn't seeing clearly. She was too desperate. I know she wants to make it up to you." Alice stood from the floor and went to look out the window, probably watching Edward who was probably still standing outside the house listening to our conversation.

"Make it up to me? Really? Alice, do you even understand all the shit she didn't fucking see? All the things she _didn't see clearly?_ How could I ever forgive her? As for Charlie..." I hesitated, thinking about all that he had done for me since I'd moved here, all the support even as I had refused help, refused his attempts at taking care of me. I had been too obsessed with getting my next fix so I wouldn't have nightmares as often, so that Phil didn't seem like such a threat. The more bruised up I was, the less likely it was that he would touch me. I shuddered at the reminder of the man who was too far away to get at me. Yet, was I really able to leave Charlie?

"You really should tell Edward he can come back in before he tears any more trees down. Charlie is going to be really confused if he finds a pile of timber in the backyard in the morning for no reason." Alice stepped away from the window with a smile. The amusement in her voice and expression caught me off guard, breaking me from the chaos swirling inside my head as I considered everything that had happened. I walked over to the window and opened it.

"Okay, okay, you can talk with us, but don't hurt Alice again or I'll make you leave." That wasn't something I could physically do, but I knew if I told him to leave, he would. He was too moral for his own good.

"I promise not to hurt Alice." His voice came from behind me and I shut the window, whirling around to face him. How the hell did he do that? I hadn't even seen him both times he had entered. I suppose it didn't matter much. As soon as our eyes met I felt my anger fade. I couldn't stay mad at him. He was my safe zone and he... well... for some odd reason he said he loved me. I still wasn't sure if I believed that, but I trusted him with my life and that was what really mattered.

"I'm sorry." His tone was tender, quiet, as he watched me standing frozen by the window.

"It wasn't okay for me to do that and you were right to kick me out." He turned to Alice then with a smile as she glared at him, obviously thinking something that had amused him.

"Yeah, yeah, you, too. I'm sorry I showed you that, but you know I had to and I'm allowed to be a romantic, sappy fool when I hurt the person that means the most to me so quit teasing me. Besides, any teasing you can think of you can say out loud." He chuckled along with Alice and things between them seem to have returned to normal. Did they do this a lot? I sighed, hoping we could move on and focus on the more important issue. Were they going to leave me if they refused to change me?

Edward sat down in the rocking chair in the corner of my room while Alice flopped down onto the bed. I glanced between the two of them, unsure of what to do. I started toward my desk chair, but I didn't get very far before a cold pair of hands caught me, and suddenly I was curled up in Edward's lap on the chair. I felt my heart skip a beat, my body tensing up as I tried to catch my bearing. It was one thing to be warned about moving that quickly and a whole other thing to just be moved without permission.

"That is the second time I've had you guys do that to me tonight – just move me around whenever you feel like it. That's gotta stop." Edward looked a bit sheepish but nowhere near apologetic while Alice just laughed.

"Do you not want to sit with me?" Edward inquired, his tone low in my ear. I felt a heated blush creep up my neck and into my face as I looked away to stare at the carpet.

"I didn't say that." I whispered and both Alice and Edward chuckled.

"Good, because I like when you sit with me." He slipped his arms around my waist, holding me to him gently and rocking back and forth for a few silent seconds before I decided to speak up and get the rest of this conversation out of the way. I had to know.

"Edward, what happens when we graduate?" The rocking didn't slow but I felt him take an empty breath to answer.

"We'll go to college like normal people and Carlisle and Esme will move to another city or town." I sighed. He wasn't going to make this easy. I glanced over to the bed but it was empty. Alice had left us alone. I wished she hadn't. She was the only one who promised not to leave me. Did that still ring true after what Edward had told her?

"When you say 'we', do you mean you and I or you and your family?" The rocking slowed and then stopped before one cold finger lifted my chin up so he could look me in the eyes. I knew the effect he had on me, the way his gaze could render me powerless, the way my heart quickened and my mind went blank.

"Breathe, Bella." He smiled and kissed me on the cheek before speaking again.

"I know what I showed Alice and I know the dangers you are placed in just by being a part of our lives, but I just wanted to make sure she understood where this could lead. Bella, I don't think you quite understand what I meant when I told you that I love you. You are the most important thing in my life now, more important than my family or my own life, and when I say that I love you, I mean it. _I love you_ and no matter how hard I try, I won't ever be able to leave you. Even if someday you don't want me around anymore, I will be there out of sight and out of mind, but I will be watching over you, protecting you." He didn't stutter or hesitate as he spoke. The emotion in his expression was clear as day. As I listened the words, I had such a hard time making sense of them. How could anyone love someone like me?

It wasn't logical for him to love me, but he wasn't lying. It was obvious that he believed ever word he was saying. I felt my heartbeat quicken as we watched each other in the tense silence.

"Bella?" He sounded almost breathless as he whispered my name and I tried to take a deep breath and relax. What was going on?

"Hm?" I couldn't bring myself to actually answer. I had to focus on keeping my breathing steady.

"I want to try something... can I... will you allow me to... kiss you?" My heartbeat got louder and I felt myself blush at the thought of him hearing the drumming in my chest. Could I kiss him? I wanted to, but my nerves were sending butterflies into my stomach as we continued to watch each other. My breathing wasn't doing well with the idea of steady. I felt his fingers pressed gently against my wrist, cooling me.

I nodded slowly, making my decision without really thinking about it. I couldn't move as he reached up and brushed his fingers gently along my cheekbone, cupping my cheek in his hand as he slowly leaned forward.

I could feel myself getting dizzy and I tried to force my breathing to slow down so that I didn't pass out. He got close enough that I could feel his breath on my lips. I shut my eyes as cold lips molded gently to mine and I felt a warm current of electricity run up and down my entire body, almost blissfully before I yanked back, nearly falling off his lap.

He steadied me, a look of concern in his eyes as I sat gasping in his arms.

"Bella, sweetheart, are you okay?" He held me loosely as I tried to calm down enough to respond. I felt his hand run soothingly up and down my back until I felt I could breathe normally again.

"I- I'm sorry. It's not your fault. It's just... I've never... been kissed like that before and it surprised me..." I blushed, looking up at him with a smile. I wasn't complaining. It was perfect bliss being that close to Edward, but the only kisses I had received had been unwanted before, so the experience was new and frightening all at the same time. I had thought I would be thrust back into my memories with _him__,_ but I hadn't, and it was surprising, in such a good way.

I cuddled closer to him, yawning involuntarily. It was getting late and we had school tomorrow.

"Time for bed, love." I didn't protest as he stood and tucked me in before laying down next to me and scooping me up into his arms. I smiled as he kissed me gently on the forehead and hummed a quiet tune to me as I fell asleep.

xXx

"When is that dance, Bells?" I glanced up at Charlie, a puzzled look on my face as he asked me about some dance. Was I going to a dance? I looked over at Edward and he chuckled.

"The Winter Formal is in two weeks, Chief Swan." He responded for me, glancing at Charlie before looking at me again, no doubt watching for my reaction. We were going to that? I sighed and turned back to my dinner preparation as Edward got up and inquired if he could help. I smiled up at him and handed him the knife I had just been using before, pointing out the peppers on the cutting board.

"I know I've said this before but you can call me Charlie, son. Do you have a dress yet, Bells?" I smiled at Charlie's attitude towards Edward. It was good to see that they got along. I, on the other hand, hadn't even known we were going to a dance. I vaguely remembered Edward asking my father if he could take me to a dance, but that had been quite some time ago, right? Things had been too hectic to keep up with anything anymore.

"Um... no. Alice and I are going to go shopping this Friday." I had made that up, of course, but she probably would have asked me soon anyway, and now that I'd said it, she had probably seen it. I grimaced at the idea of shopping with Alice again. It hadn't been my favorite experience the first time, though it had helped me make my first real friend since as long as I can remember.

"Oh, okay. Well I want to get some pictures of you going to your first dance, okay?" His tone had turned gruff and I could tell he was feeling a bit emotional about it, though he would never admit it. Our talks recently had been about a lot of the same, very mundane items. After the first few updates on Phil and my unenthusiastic responses, he had stopped telling me what was happening. I think he realized that it only made things harder for me. I didn't want to think about or know about Phil.

The only thing Charlie had been pressing recently was that I should speak to Renee. He told me how much she missed me and wanted to see me again and how sorry she was. I knew he only meant well, but every time he brought it up, I dismissed it and moved on. I wasn't ready to handle my mother, just like I wasn't ready to handle Phil. Right now I needed to handle myself and all the chaos I was trying to control in the aftermath.

"All right, I guess. Just, not too many. I don't like pictures." Edward glanced over at me and smiled, a look of mischief in his eyes. I was immediately wary.

"What?" I inquired, wishing he didn't look so amused. It didn't bode well for me.

"Oh, nothing. It's just that I've never been to a school dance either..." He trailed off suggestively, knowing I would understand just how long that would have been, before continuing.

"And you know how Esme is... I imagine you'll be very comfortable with pictures after she's done." I groaned, turning back to my preparations as I considered what I had just been told. I didn't want to have my picture taken and now I was going to be bombarded with them in two weeks. Fan-freaking-tastic. I could hear Charlie chuckle behind me and I shot him a warning glare.

They were not laughing at my expense, not right now. Edward and I finished up making dinner fairly quickly once Charlie left the kitchen to watch some sports game. Dinner was a talkative affair as Edward discussed the game that my dad had just been watching, speculating on future games, all things that I really didn't care much about. I knew though that Edward was just trying to keep on Charlie's good side.

I mostly tuned them out. Choosing to focus on some of the more interesting things that had happened, like watching the different healing stages of Jessica's bruise from when I hit her, or watching Victoria's frustration build every time she saw me. They both hated me and I couldn't care less. I was fairly happy right now, and even though I had a lot to work through, I felt comfortable with the person I had at my side to help me work through it. That was the most important part.

After dinner, Edward and I went upstairs, with him climbing in my window of course, and worked on homework, talking about the dance and other trivial items. Edward hadn't asked to kiss me again since the first time about a week ago. I wanted to ask him if it was because I had freaked out or if I was a bad kisser or if he just realized that he didn't like me that way, but I was too nervous.

I had never felt this way about anyone before, and although I couldn't even consider the possibility of more than kissing him without having an anxiety attack, I knew he meant more to me than anyone else in my life. In my heart I knew that being without him would be hell. I couldn't survive something like that. Did that mean I loved him? I wasn't sure I could love anyone at this point when I couldn't even love myself, but I was closer to loving him than anyone else I cared for.

"Are you okay, love? You seem distracted." I glanced up only to find him a few inches away, his hand holding mine. I loved having him so close, feeling the connection of electricity between us. It was warm and comforting and so very intense sometimes.

"I'm all right. I just... I-" I took a deep breath and, knowing we needed honesty more than anything else, decided to just tell him.

"Why haven't you kissed me again? Is it because of my reaction or was I... you know... bad?" I flushed at the question, turning away my gaze in embarrassment. I had never had this conversation with anyone and it was scary to know that I was putting myself out there with the possibility of getting hurt or having my fears confirmed. Edward chuckled and I looked back towards him. Why was he laughing when I was so nervous?

"No love, you were not bad. The kiss was perfect, just the way I envisioned my first kiss. I suppose I just want to make sure you're okay with it. I don't want you to be scared or worried or upset when it happens. I want you to trust me and trust that I love you and would never do anything to hurt you." I smiled at him, chuckling just the same way he had. I wasn't scared, not around him.

"But, that's when I feel the safest, when I'm around you." He grinned, touching my cheek before leaning in slowly and kissing me for the second time, sending my entire body into overload at the spark between us, and before I knew it I was in his lap, pulling him closer before he took my wrists firmly and pulled away, a smile in his expression. I blushed. I hadn't meant to do that.

"Sorry," I whispered, catching my breath as he pulled me into his lap and held me, rocking me back and forth slowly with his chin resting on my shoulder. This was where I felt safest, where I would always feel safest.

**I know... fluffy but I needed a little fluff. :) Hope ya'll enjoyed it. Review and and let me know! I love to hear from you guys.**


	24. Drive

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**In the previous chapter I made reference to Alice and Bella going dress shopping but it seems I forgot that they already went shopping for a Winter Formal dress in an earlier chapter. So, my fault, please disregard that mention in the last chapter. :)**

**Chapter 24:**** Drive**

_Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear,  
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear,  
Take the wheel and steer.  
It's driven me before,  
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal,  
But lately I'm beginning to find that I,  
Should be the one behind the wheel._

_Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there,_  
_With open arms and open eyes yeah._

_Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there,_  
_I'll be there._

_Drive – Incubus_

BPOV

"You can't keep avoiding this you know. I deserve a say at the very least. Don't you think?" Edward was sitting at my desk, clearly avoiding my stare by pretending to be working on some homework assignment. I wasn't going to let him just ignore me though. He'd distracted me too many times from the subject for me to just let it go.

I got up from the bed, leaving my books in a pile, and placed both hands over the book he was reading. Edward sighed and finally looked up at me. He seemed resigned but at least he was paying attention now.

"Bella, you know how I feel about this. You don't understand the choice you're making. Being one of us will take away your whole life, it will take away Charlie and Renee and you aren't they only one losing that life, they are going to lose you too. Don't you see how much that would hurt them after everything that's happened? They've finally become aware of what's happened in your life and they want to be there for you. Are you just going to take that away from them?"

Edward was right in a way. What really hurt, out of all of that, was that I would be hurting Charlie. He was the one that had gotten me away from Phil by letting me stay in Forks. He had tried so hard to take care of me and now he was protecting me too. Yet, that didn't change the fact that the Cullens were family now too. They had been the ones to turn everything around, they had helped me escape my very worst nightmare and I didn't know if I could recover if the only friends I'd ever truly had left.

"Charlie and Renee will be okay, I can visit them a few years later, right? But, Edward, I can't lose the only people who managed to help me escape my past. I can't lose my friends who turned into family. I can't. This is what I want. Doesn't that count for something? What was it you told me? You would be anything I wanted, friend, lover, family, protector? Well, this is what I want from you. I want forever with the people that mean the most to me."

I could see the worry in his expression but it was clear what I was saying was important to him. He had promised me he'd do whatever would make me happy but he hadn't expected it to be this. Before I could try to convince him further, Edward slid the chair away from the desk and pulled me into his lap. I felt my body relax into his touch and into the comfort that always accompanied being in his arms. I glanced up at him and found him staring right back at me.

"Bella..." He whispered, his expression pained. The hurt seemed to spread to me as I was caught in his gaze. I couldn't look away even if I wanted to and, before I could protest, Edward leaned down and kissed me gently. My thoughts went blank for a moment, my body reacting before my logic could catch up and when he leaned back, releasing me, I had to catch my breath.

"I...I...I..." I couldn't get a damn word out. I stopped speaking for a moment and then stood up. He wasn't playing fair. I whirled around to face him, this time far enough away that he couldn't distract me.

"Edward, you can't just kiss me every time I want to talk about this. I can't keep doing this dodge and weave thing with you. I want to have a serious conversation about this and I want you to understand where I'm coming from." He sighed, seemingly accepting my desire to actually hash this out. I knew I had to get further away from him so I moved back to the bed and waited for him to turn and look at me.

It took a few moments but when he finally turned to look at me I knew he'd actually consider what I was saying about being changed. He wasn't pleased though.

"Bella, you won't even consider counseling... how can I consider changing you?" I could feel my expression change to frustration. I didn't want to go to counseling. Didn't he understand that? I'd already gone through hell with a counselor and I definitely couldn't do it again but he wouldn't let it go.

"Wait..." Something had sparked in him as he looked up at me again, something I was sure I wasn't going to like. This could be bad...

"How about a compromise, love?" Next thing I knew, Edward was sitting next to me, holding my hands in his, searching my face for something. I couldn't be sure what.

"What kind of compromise?" I was wary of course. I had a feeling this would have to do with counseling and being changed, one of which I wanted and the other I did not.

"I know you've learned a fair amount about us, you know what we are to an extent but there is something else you must understand. You see, when we are changed, when Carlisle changed me, I went from a living and changing being to, well, this. When we change, it's like we turn to stone, our personalities, our bodies, and our pasts shape us into a stone version of who we were at our deaths. This 'turning to stone' is why Rosalie has such a hard time being what she is, why she'd give anything to be human again, and it's why the only thing that really completely and irrevocably changes us is when we meet our mates." The excitement in his voice built as he spoke and he almost seemed to be smiling now.

"Edward, I don't understand how this fits with a compromise. What do you want to compromise on?" I was starting to feel some serious trepidation towards where this was leading. I doubted I was going to enjoy it.

"I'm just about to get there. Bella, if you want me to change you, I can't do it with you being in the state your in. I can't change you when you haven't dealt with what happened to you with Phil. I can't agree to change you when the hell you've been through will shape the changed you. You will be haunted by it for eternity and I can't allow that, especially when you self-harm. Changing and becoming one of us, you also have to realize we are virtually indestructible and your need for pain won't be attainable. It would be torture and I cannot willingly subject you to that but... if you agree to go to counseling, to deal with what happened to you, I will agree to change you when your counselor signs off on your health." And there is was. I sighed and looked away from Edwards triumphant gaze.

He was right and I hated him for it because suddenly counseling was my path to spending forever with the only real family I'd ever had. I felt his fingers under my chin as he turned me back to face him again.

"I'll even go with you to the first few sessions if it helps you feel more comfortable." His whispered words were comforting but I still couldn't believe what I was going to have to do. I knew I could lie my way through it again. I could just act like I was okay and then get changed but something was pressing at me to finally tell the truth.

Maybe that's really what I needed, maybe it would help me accept friends like Alice, Emmett, and Edward into my life without so much doubt and fear. I wanted to be able to be normal for once. I wanted to feel like I could live again. Maybe this was the way to make that happen while also getting the chance to find a forever happiness.

"I..." I swallowed once, twice, "okay... okay, I can make that compromise."

xXx

"Bella, it's for you!" I could hear Charlie yelling up the stairs for me when Alice showed up. I considering actually getting out of bed but decided against it. I was terrified of what was about to happen. The dance was tonight and Alice had promised she'd be here at 2pm sharp. She hadn't lied. I couldn't even walk without tripping. How the hell was a supposed to dance? With Edward no less? I was sure he'd be an amazing dancer since the Cullens excelled at everything. I heard Alice before she even opened the door to my room.

"Bella! Bella! Time to get up! You knew I would be here at two and it's time to start the transformation!" I shut my eyes, hoping she'd leave me to sleep and knowing that would never actually happen. Alice was more excited about the Winter Formal than everyone else at the school combined.

"Oh geez! Bella, you're not even out of bed yet? Come on, up, up, up!" I felt the covers fly up, leaving my body shivering in the chilled room. I cracked open one eye only to have Alice's cheery smile taking up my vision. I groaned and rolled over.

"Go away." I mumbled, hoping against hope she'd do as I asked.

No such luck as suddenly I was upright, on my feet while Alice quickly made my bed so I couldn't get back in it. She was persistent if anything. I rubbed my eyes and tried to get my bearings straight before finally ambling out of my bedroom and down into the kitchen to get some breakfast. I needed sustenance to survive the torture I was about to go through.

Charlie glanced up from the paper as I grabbed some cereal and milk before sitting at the kitchen table.

"You'll let me know when you two are done up there so I can take some pictures, right?" I looked up at my father and smiled. He looked nervous which was sort of endearing. He'd never dealt with any of this high school stuff before as I'd never had friends to drag me to these sorts of activities before.

"Of course, Dad. I don't think Alice would have it any other way."

"You think right!" Alice yelled down the stairs and Charlie laughed.

"You better get upstairs or she might come down and drag you back up." He advised with another chuckle. It was good to see my dad laugh after everything that had been dumped on him in the past month.

"You're probably right." I grumbled as I placed my bowl in the sink and trudged upstairs. I was not ready for this, not that I had a choice.

The next few hours were spent in the cramped space of the bathroom with Alice refusing to let me see a mirror. I had never gone through such an extreme makeover in my life and I hoped it never happened again. She kept telling me how I should use makeup more often, how it accented my beauty, but all it reminded me of was Phil's obsession with my "beauty". I think she could tell it hurt to talk about because after a few comments she left it well enough alone and, instead, focused on her family.

"Esme is so excited to see you and Edward. Edward has never taken part in these sorts of things, let alone ever had a date to a dance. Esme has been nonstop talking about it since she found out. You have basically assuaged her fears that Edward would never find anyone. You know, that was one of her biggest fears as a mother. She truly hopes and prays for our happiness." I could feel myself blushing as Alice spoke. I hadn't spent much time around Esme but I was glad she was so happy.

"I, well, I'm glad she's happy about Edward. She really does love you all like her children, doesn't she?" Alice nodded and smiled.

"Okay, one more thing, we need to get you in your dress and then you can look!" I groaned as Alice ran off to my room and reappeared with the dress we'd found. I had to admit, Alice had found the perfect dress for me and my specific needs. She had pulled it off the rack with a flourish and my first impression had been fear. It was a white Chiffon Sheath V-Neck Floor Length dress with long sleeves. Though I had no idea what most of that meant as far as dress design, I was glad she knew to find something with sleeves that would cover my arms and legs.

It was a beautiful dress but the heels she had paired them with terrified me even further. I could barely walk in my sneakers so I was doubtful I'd be very graceful in what she had chosen but I had very little say in what I was wearing and she had guaranteed that I'd be just fine with Edward since he would help me.

"I'll be just outside. Let me know when you get on the dress and I'll help you get on your shoes." Alice shut the door but I could feel her bouncing around outside waiting for my word that I was ready.

I carefully pulled the long white gown off the hanger and out of the plastic covering, praying I didn't somehow rip it or cause any damage. I unzipped the back and slowly stepped in, pulling the sleeves on over my scars and resting the material on my shoulders. Alice would have to zip it in the back as I couldn't reach it.

"Okay... I'm ready. You have to zip it though." Alice was quick to oblige and then she was sliding on the white heels which ensured I didn't step on the dress since it was a bit on the long side. Finally Alice gave me the okay to look in the mirror and she turned me around.

It took me a moment to recognize myself in the mirror. There was color in my cheeks and a light in my eyes that I hadn't seen in a very long time, not since my mother remarried. I had to admit that Alice had done a magnificent job and she'd had the skill to pin closed the deep v-neck of the dress which gave the dress an even classier look for me. I felt... beautiful and, for once, worthy of the love they had shown me since I'd met them.

"Alice... I..." I turned to her with a smile, "thank you." I wrapped my arms around her before I could second guess myself and I felt her hug me back. She truly was my best friend and I couldn't thank her enough for sticking it out with me.

"Of course! You look stunning, now, let's go downstairs. Edward will be here any minute."

"But, Alice, what about you? You haven't gotten ready yet..." She laughed, vanished for a moment into my room and reappeared looking like a movie star in her dress and heels. Of course she'd have already planned for that. I sighed and she laughed at my expression.

"All done!" She crowed before taking my arm gently and leading me down the stairs to where Charlie and Edward were no doubt waiting. I had to admit, it was not so awful walking in the heels with Alice holding me up. I could walk without much trouble and she kept me steady as we made our way to the kitchen.

As we finally came into view of the kitchen I lowered my eyes to watch the stairs in front of me, afraid of what I'd see in front of me. I had never gotten so dressed up before and certainly not for a guy. I didn't know how Edward would react, or Charlie for that matter. What would they think of me? I knew though, once we got to the bottom of the stairs, I'd have to look up and face the music.

Alice cleared her throat. We had reached the kitchen floor and I hadn't even realized. I felt the butterflies in my stomach as I finally lifted my gaze to take in the kitchens occupants. The first thing to catch my eye was Edward dressed in a suit, perfect and standing in my kitchen. I felt a blush creep up into my cheeks as our eyes met and held. I had never seen someone look at me quite the way he was, with a passion I had never experienced before him.

I could feel my heart beating faster, like a hummingbird in it's cage, bumping against my ribs and suddenly Alice nudged me gently. I felt myself suck in a breath and flushed again. I had forgotten to breathe. Charlie cleared his throat and I turned to him with a smile.

"So, dad, what do you think?" I could see him blush and he looked almost uncomfortable. This was not his forte.

"Bells... you look... beautiful, honey." His voice was gruff, almost as though he was holding back tears. I had never seen my father cry but he seemed awfully close at the moment. I watched as he turned away and grabbed the camera behind him while trying to secretly wipe away a stray tear. Charlie really did love me, that much was obvious. I could feel the lump of emotions stuck in my throat as I tried to pull myself together. I hadn't expected this moment to be so emotional.

"Okay, picture time. I just need a few." His voice still gruff, Charlie motioned for us to head outside. Edward stepped over to me and offered his arm to help me walk.

"You look stunning." He whispered. I smiled at him gratefully and the four of us made our way to the front porch so Charlie could get a few pictures of us before we headed over to the Cullens house.

"When will you be home, Bells?" Charlie looked a bit concerned but I knew he trusted the Cullens well enough as they were the ones who finally brought his daughter back to life.

"The dance ends at 11, Chief Swan, and I'll drop her off here afterward." Edward held out his hand and shook with Charlie as though they'd sealed some kind of deal and then we were off to Esme. I knew it was going to be overwhelming but, from what Alice had told me, this was something Esme had been waiting to see for a long time and I didn't have the heart to deny her that.

The drive to the house was quick, as usual, but I was nervous. We were getting closer and closer to the dance, an activity I detested and had never been very good at. Edward seemed to catch on to my nerves as he helped me out of the car and led me up the stairs to the front door.

"Breathe, Bella, it's going to be just fine. Tonight's going to be fun and I promise I won't let anything happen to you." He smiled at me and squeezed my hand as we stepped inside.

"Whoa! Shortie, you're lookin' smokin!" I laughed as Emmett appeared in front of me and reached up to tousle my hair only to have Alice smack his hand away.

"If you so much as mess up one hair on her head, I'll beat you! I worked long and hard on getting her ready so don't screw it up!" Emmett just laughed at her threat and returned to Rosalie's side. They all looked absolutely stunning in their gowns and tuxedos. I was glad Alice was the one to dress me up instead of me having done it myself. I wouldn't have been able to compare to them.

"Oh my, darling! You all look so dressed up and formal! Look at how handsome you boys are and, oh Bella, you look stunning, dear." I smiled as Esme swept into the room with Carlisle not far behind. They were both smiling but Esme looked beyond ecstatic as she hugged each of her children and then turned to me, giving me a moment to prepare, and then hugging me too.

"I am so glad Edward finally found you, dear. I've been waiting since, well, since we became a family for this to happen. I was starting to worry-"

"Okay, mom, enough, enough." Edward interrupted, seeming slightly embarrassed. It was such a human emotion and a familial action to be embarrassed by your parents that I couldn't help but grin. They were so normal, even as they were so very different.

"Right! Don't want you guys to be late. Okay, I want each couple in front of the piano and then all the girls, then boys, then one big group picture. Got it?" We all agreed to her wishes and then began the pictures. It wasn't nearly as overwhelming as I had thought it would be, mostly because Esme was so kind through the process I almost forgot how much I hated cameras and after a short time it was over.

"Have a wonderful time! I can't wait to hear all about it!" Alice waved back at Esme as she watched us leave from the front porch. We each took different cars, Edward and I in one, Alice and Jasper in another, and Emmett and Rosalie taking up the rear. I couldn't back out now. I was going to my first real school dance and my nerves had come back full force.

xXx

With Edward's arms around me, we were dancing in beautiful patterns along with the rest of his family and with half the school standing by just watching. Besides the initial stares when we had walked in though I hadn't taken much notice to my peers. I was reveling in the beauty of being able to dance, to ballroom dance, with the one person I was perfectly happy to be with. He moved us gracefully, with seemingly no effort, and I felt content.

"Edward?" I lifted my head from his shoulder to look up at him.

"Hmm?" His response was quiet but he kissed my cheek to let me know he was listening.

"How exactly did Carlisle, Esme, and, well, your family become a family exactly? I mean, Esme... she's your mother but she's not in the human sense. I'm just curious how that happened..." I laid my head back onto his shoulder, enjoying the feel of his arm around my waist and awaiting his response.

"Well, that's a long story but I'll try to give you the short version. Carlisle can tell you more about when he was changed as that is not my story to tell but he changed me in 1901 when I was dying of the Spanish Influenza and I was the first to join his family. The next of us was Esme in 1921 when Carlisle found her in a morgue with a faint heartbeat. They fell in love after her transformation and have been together ever since. Esme didn't bring a specific power with her in the change but she does have the ability to love passionately and I think that's what makes her such a wonderful and loving mother to us. We are her adopted children and, though each of us came from different backgrounds, we have adopted her as our mother. She loves us unconditionally, as does Carlisle, and that is the best thing a parent can be." Their story, though tragic in their deaths, was compelling and I was glad they had created their own family.

"What about Alice and Jasper and Rosalie and Emmett?" I had never quite learned how they'd come to the family, though Rosalie had been the first to really be honest with me about what they were she had never really explained her own change and, in fact, most of them seemed reluctant to discuss it.

"Well, those are their stories to tell, love. I cannot be the one to tell them but you should ask them. I'm sure they would be more than willing to help you understand what they've been through and what got them to where they are now. Maybe it will help you better understand the choice you're making." I sighed and tightened my grip around him. I knew it would take some time for him to accept my choice but I had agreed to our compromise and he had to, at least, accept that at the moment.

"I have to say, I'm surprised yet glad that this was actually fun." Edward laughed at my statement and leaned down to kiss me once, sealing the end of our night with a perfect memory. I hadn't been this happy in a long time.

xXx

The morning after the dance was quiet. Charlie had left to go fishing earlier in the morning and Edward had come over to spend most of the day watching stupid movies and cuddling. It was a slow day but I had no other obligations as Winter Break was starting in the upcoming week. I knew though, when Charlie came home for dinner I'd have to have one important conversation with him.

Edward had promised to come back after dinner so we could go through a few different counselors I may want to see and make a decision. I wanted to start sooner rather than later so Edward could fulfill his part of the compromise but I couldn't start counseling without a least telling Charlie that I'd be going once a week or he might worry about where I was going.

I had almost finished making dinner when Charlie walked in the front door and Edward disappeared in order to give us some father/daughter time. I was nervous to finally make the decision to go to counseling but I had agreed and I knew it would be for the better if I could finally work through what happened.

"Smells good, Bells. Lasagna?"

"Yep. It'll be ready in about five minutes if you just want to wash up and sit down."

About ten minutes later we were at the table and I had to gather the courage to speak openly with my father. We got through about half the meal before I finally put down my fork and managed to speak up.

"Dad, I wanted to talk to you about something." Charlie glanced up from his plate and sat back, setting his fork down to listen.

"Everything okay, Bells?" He looked worried which wasn't surprising considering what had he had found out about Phil not too long ago and how much my parents hadn't known about my past and my scars. At least this was a generally good decision on my part.

"Yeah, of course, I just... I wanted to let you know... I'm going to start counseling soon. I just thought you should know I made the decision to start going." I took a deep breath and picked my fork back up. Charlie smiled with relief and nodded.

"Well, I'm glad you're going to talk through what happened."

**xXx**

**I tried a few different ways to place the links for Bella's dress/shoes but couldn't figure it out so if you want to see them feel free to message me and I'll send you the links!  
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**I know it's been a while since I've posted in this story but I hope I can finally create an end to this fanfiction creation. :)**

**Let me know what you think!  
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